My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Of course they met on purpose. I’d be asking him to cut contact with her. That’s it really. Your gut is correct.

Oh my goodness I read the 3 as a three year old!!
Thanks for pointing that out! How stupid of me.
But given he is a married man with a 22 month old child his behaviour is just as inappropriate, imo odmf course.

Of course it’s possible to run into someone in London! People run into each other all over the world everyday. But I do think he wants to stay in contact with her and thats more worrying.

I wouldn’t necessarily jump to conclusions on the face of it.

I’m from overseas and I’ve bumped into people here (London) that I know from my home country purely by chance. Once a guy I had a massive crush on at uni turned out to be living just down the road from me. Another time I went to Croatia and within ten minutes of getting off the bus from the airport I had bumped into someone from high school I’d not seen in ten years. These things happen.

I’ve also parted with several exes on friendly enough terms that I might grab coffee with and exchange numbers if we bumped into each other. (I’m not single).

I’m also very good friends with an ex and catch up with him without my partner - as well as together with our new partners.

None of these things you describe as having happened are obviously nefarious.

My thoughts are that he’s maybe never quite been totally and completely over her, to the point where he could see her and feel nothing. If it was all completely innocent with just a ‘how’re you doing, it’s really nice to see you, I hope life is treating you well’ then why swap phone numbers? If he follows her on Instagram, she could have messaged him a list of recommendations, couldn’t she? I think the reason that his female friendships don’t bother you is because they’re innocent. I think the reason that this is bothering you is because you know he’s not being completely honest with you.

but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to.

And for many others, being married and having a child with someone else would be the exact reason that they wouldn't be friends with an ex.

I'm completely against exes being friends if the partner has an issue with it, unless the exes share children.

I've also bumped into people in central London, including an old friend from another country! Particularly in stations that are hubs for everyone to pass through, it actually isn't that odd.

I would trust him if he is usually trustworthy, I might keep half an eye on it but definitely reserve judgment. If it was me and I'd bumped into an ex and had a coffee I would understand my current partner feeling a bit odd, but it would be controlling IMO if they completely tried to ban any friendship from the outset.

The thing about coincidences is that they actually happen quite often! He came home and told you about the meeting, right away. You can explain that you feel uncomfortable with him maintaining a friendship with his ex and he should stop contact but I would not suspect he has done anything wrong. He has chosen to marry and start a family with you.

I'd believe him, and he's also wanting you to meet her and her partner, so I'd go along with that. You'll soon know the score between them.

I ran into my ex on the Eurostar! It does happen.

I have run into people I know in most random places abroad. I think its possible it was a coincidence but he should stop, anything after coffee and catch up is sus.

I'm not sure why you think it is so unlikely that he bumped into her.

I bumped into an school friend who I hadn't seen for 30 years just outside the British museum.

My sister bumped into her workmate in Las Vegas. It happens a lot.

I bumped into an ex in Seville, genuinely random, he was there for work I was there with a friend for a long weekend. We met up in the evening had a couple of glasses of wine and a catch up, nothing untoward. He's a nice guy, I wouldn't have dated him if he wasn't. It just didn't work out when we ended up living across the country from each other. Didn't mean I have any intention of pursuing things. We mainly spoke about mutual friends and acquaintances, who we keep in touch with what they're doing, our own lives, work, relationships etc. It was really pleasant. Added each other on social media, occasionally like each others pictures.

I think if your first instinct is that your husband took your toddler to a clandestine preplanned meeting with his ex at st pancras, there are other issues in the relationship.

I wouldn't be asking him, I would do a covert investigation into alternative social media though. If theres nothing to find them no harm done. If he's done something wrong there's no point giving him a heads up. Let him think everything is fine.

I too have had weird coincidences happen. I had an old friend who had moved abroad then moved back. The week she moved back she hasn't told anyone in our group she has returned. I went into Sainsbury's, never been in that branch in my life. I asked a member of staff where the spices were and when she turned to look at me we both did a double take, it was my friend.

So these things do happen, but on balance planned meetings must happen much more then accidental ones.

I thought OP said they had one 22 month old. ?

I live 100s of miles from London and know barely a dozen folk who live there, yet I still managed to randomly bump into one of them in a Brixton pub when I was visiting a friend a few years ago. It can happen.

I think if they'd stayed friends post break up I probably wouldn't mind that but if they just bumped into each other and now he's talking about doing shared hobbies with her, and double dating I'd think that was a bit much, like he's creating as many situations as he can to spend time with her.

If there's no evidence of a pre-arranged meet up you might have to let that one go, but out of nowhere suddenly wanting to spend lots of time with her would lead me to wonder where this is heading...

I’m so sorry hun but he is having an emotional affair 100%. If he hasn’t been physical yet it will lead in that direction.

he is trying to manipulate you by making this emotional affair a “friendship” fantasy.

it is all a set up until something happens and they can get away with it “naturally” turning into something.

There is no way it was coincidence it was planned and they fact he took your child and was comfortable to do that without even speaking to you first shows his lack of respect for you.

You should come first and he has NO reason to be friends with someone he used to sleep with. It is not normal!

he is making you feel less than, he is gaslighting you which is why you are questioning things.

you’re better than this honey! I’m sorry to say it but he is cheating on you.

He is being completely thoughtless. YANBU. Tell him to stop messaging her and put you 1st. Bloody men!!

And how would he feel about you seeing an ex for a nice catch up?

I have quite a lot of experience of an ex popping up and it's not comfortable, even if your DH hides in a toilet like mine did to avoid her. Other women fine, just didn't trust this one...

If she doesn't live in the UK, realistically how much of an issue could this be?

To add to the few voices on here that aren't saying this is suspicious and must have been planned, I too have visited London from my home 200 miles away and on 3 separate occasions that I can think of, bumped into people I know. Only 1 of those 3 people lived in London themselves, the other 2 were also visiting for the weekend, making the chances of our bumping into each other seem even more unlikely.

I was on holiday in Greece and enjoying dinner in a seafront restaurant once when I heard my name being called. It was a man I'd known from work years earlier. The point being, the world can be a surprisingly small place and coincidences do happen.

If you typically trust your husband and feel your relationship was good before this question mark was raised in your mind, I'd be inclined to say you're being overly cautious/suspicious. It likely was a genuine coincidence and he hasn't tried to hide it from you. If it reassures you, keep an eye out for any 'mentionitis' but otherwise, I think and hope you're probably okay.

It’s not implausible that the meeting was by chance but who knows really. You’ll likely never know.

But there’s zero need to be friends with an ex.

I would either tell my husband that it’s my boundary and let him make his choice (and let the chips fall where they may), or keep quiet and keep an eye on his messages to see what, if anything, unfolds.

Consider his response. Was he reasonable, open, kind, and understanding? It sounds like he responded well, which is unlikely if he had cheated or had plans to. Just read some of the other threads on Mumsnet - he's not following the usual cheater's script.

I live in London and have bumped into people I know (including exes, colleagues, former uni friends) at Kings Cross, on Oxford Street, the tube, outside pubs, non-local leisure centre, supermarket museum... This is people from London as well as far away. It happens about twice a year and it's always unexpected, but it's not a lie! We nearly always either have a chat or go for a drink if we have time.

I used to live in Central London and I bumped into unlikely people pretty regularly. Several of them in stations. I ran into people I had been to school with ( totally different place) and regularly walked past celebrities. A main station in London is a common place to bump into people as so many people go there. So that seems totally believable to me. Who arranges a meet up with their child there too ? That seems unlikely. So I think he is probably telling the truth.
It’s up to you to decide about how you feel re him staying friends with an ex. It’s not automatically a bad thing, but people have different attitudes to it (and obviously some exes are nice and some less so) so you need to work that out between you.