My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Bit torn on this tbh. The meeting was when he knew you were busy taking your sister to the airport. I would definitely do some phone snooping. However realistically if she is in another country would your dh or you realistically see them again?

I am usually quick to call out sketchy behavior but this one doesn't ring any alarm bells for me.

Honestly, I could believe it. I've run into several people at Waterloo, either people I went to uni with or former colleagues. I've also seen a few people I went to school with.

Oh give over. How many more instances of people randomly bumping into old friends/ exes do you need to show it dies sometimes happen.? You cannot categorically state it was even a deliberate meeting, let alone an emotional affair. Ridiculous assertion.

Quite surprised with he responses here, I don’t think you have anything to worry about really. Keep an eye on how things unfold but he could’ve completely hidden it and you wouldn’t have had any cause to find out and secondly, he seemed quite reasonable in his response. He didn’t fly off the handle or deny anything or even become defensive.

Even if it purely coincidental, why the hour long coffee chat? She’s an ex, not even someone he has remained friends with. A normal person would immediately think of them as an ex and the last thing would be to take their child along- that alone would make you pause.
He seems to also drop in that he wants to remain friends. I think this sounds like bad news

Hmm I wouldn't say I'm overly suspicious by nature but this doesn't sound quite right to me. I guess it's just about possible he could have run into her. As you say, a slimmer chance still that they would both happen to have time to spare for a coffee. This bit though, is what rings alarm bells:

He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

I might be misreading it but it somehow smacks of 'my intellectual needs aren't being met'. If it's suddenly become important to him to discuss philosophy or FL films with someone I'm sure he could find a club and if he knows that him having conversations with her about F1 bothers you, why would he pursue it?

I've always been confused by people who have a hard and fast rule you can't remain friends with exes. Maybe I'm unusual, but I've remained friends with all my significant exes. We don't see each other often, but I still enjoy catching up occasionally. Maybe because I have no desire to revisit the past and when a relationship is over for me there is no desire left at all. For me they just become old friends and it's nice to catch up occasionally.

I think it was an unexpected meeting and I’d be fine with that. But I would expect that to be it. No messaging no plans to meet up. They are an ex and you and your marriage should be the priority. If the continued messaging makes you uncomfortable he should respect that and end it

Do nothing but watch to see if he self regulates.

Lol. 100%? That’s quite a reach!

So I looked on his phone

on WhatsApp the messages started Saturday night with him messaging her “Was nice to run into you, you look well, do send me the recs list” , she replied Sunday night “nice to see you too, I’ll send it over”, sent the list yesterday afternoon, DH replied last night with “thank you which book should I read first?”, she replied this morning with a suggestion and he replied this afternoon saying he’d pick it up, then she messaged this evening “Great, let me know if you enjoy it. In London until Sunday if you want to meet up for a glass of wine, I’d love to meet your wife!”

On instagram there are just random story reactions until you get to about 4 years ago where they briefly messaged about her getting him Roland Garros tickets and then nothing before that.

I guess there is nothing there to suggest I should be worried but I can’t get rid of the weird feeling in my stomach about it.

He is more interested than her reading your last update and she has closed it down by mentioning you

Well that sounds normal and cordial to me. Work on your self esteem. Why is it so low?

Based on your update, and if those are really the only messages they've exchanged, that actually doesn't sound like anything to worry about. Maybe it was just a big coincidence.

So a new boyfriend did similar. Told me he’d won tickets to a major concert and his ex just happened to be there. I knew he was over his ex and he loved the band so it pissed me off he made up a load crap to justify going.

It’s the lying, not the intent that breaks you.

I think he’s talking bollocks. The reason is why he’s lying to you. My husband has met his old flames and introduced me and his mine. They are part of out history - good choices at the time and we’ve all moved on.

I think if he really thought you were rock solid he would tell you he was meeting her especially as she lives miles away and should be no threat.
My guess is he knows he can use your insecurities against you. I’d be inviting your ex round for a catch up.

Tbh I wouldn’t expect him to have told you about it if he had planned it beforehand. Why would he invite drama by telling you if it wasn’t just a coincidence? But I wouldn’t be happy for them to be texting. The problem with an ex is the shared past they have, which can lead to something if they get close again.

It's usually wise to listen to your gut. If something feels off, most likely it is. At the moment I would just watch and see how things progress.

I agree. I was in Sydney when it was the NYE of the millenium. So were millions of people, it was unreal. Who did I meet? My ex, standing couple of feet away for the countdown. We are both Irish and had no idea we were even both in Australia.

This was what I thought as well - the 'hobbies' they share are quite ostentatiously intellectual and that's obviously fine but it would rub me up the wrong way if my partner said that 🤣 it's essentially 'oh we have all these smart person hobbies in common that you just don't understand!'

I asked just now if he would be okay with me catching up with an old ex, he said yes. I said should I message one then and he said “if you want to, go for it”, I said that really doesn’t bother you and he said “no, if you can’t be friends with your ex and not sleep with him then the problem isn’t your ex, it’s the relationship and I don’t think we have any issues in our relationship”

It was pre arranged

I’d say he’s trying it with her! Maybe they did jump into each other but he’s clearly excited! Keeping the conversation going. Plus what he has said to you shows he isn’t loyal to you.

it making you feel uncomfortable should be enough for him to stop. The fact he is carrying on is disrespectful.

id keep on eye on it but give an inch and someone can take a mile so I would set your boundaries and be firm.

you don’t deserve to be made to feel pushed to the side!

he is in the wrong

Bizarrely I ran into an ex also at St Pancras station. Thousands of people in the station and I no longer lived in London (and my ex lived no where near the station) and who do I bump into - my ex and his pregnant girlfriend. It made for an awkward conversation and we certainly didn’t go for a coffee and a catch up but it is certainly possible that your husband didn’t plan the meet up. Continuing to contact her afterwards though is a bit odd

Ok just read the updates. Doesn’t sound off really.