My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Tbh we share plenty of hobbies and he’s right I cannot deal with foreign language films or philosophy (bores me to death, I do not care what Nietzsche or Seneca said), I don’t mind watching tennis but I have 0 interest playing or discussing the qualities of someone’s backhand or the state of the tour calendar and I couldn’t be less interested in watching rich men drive around in oddly shaped circles if I tried!

He "ran into" his ex while you were busy with your sister. Oh the synchronicity.

And now he suddenly wants to restart an emotional relationship, er, friendship with his ex while he's married and parenting 2 young children with you.

Bridge for sale!

@NorthernMum2021 yeah, that's basically it. It sounds like a stealth insult. Particularly with a young child in the picture, which probably means OP probably doesn't have loads of time and space to engage in intellectual hobbies at the moment. I don't know if that means he's lying but the implication would bother me I think. Then the follow-ups suggesting that it's all perfectly normal to be friends with exes. I'm not saying it's never possible but it certainly isn't out of the ordinary not to be comfortable with it.

I’d stop for a coffee with any of my exes if I randomly bumped into one of them, I’d love to know how life was treating them. I’m surprised how many posters have jumped to a “he’s 100% cheating hun” conclusion. How sad.

I am married with kids. I lived in London and I’ve also bumped into people I’ve not seen for years in there, and also at festivals, and my husband and I bumped into his friend when we were at a connecting airport too. I wouldn’t have a coffee with most exs, I’m not interested in their lives because they were awful people, but there are maybe two I definitely would have a coffee with, and wouldn’t mind my toddler meeting. One of them I dated in his country/lived with for about a year, but we wanted different things (I wanted to be back in the uk - so I guess vaguely similar). The relationship ran its course and that was that. Plus I love my husband, my family and what we have. I’d definitely give up some of my time to chat to someone who I know is a kind and good person though, but I do get that it would probably seem weird though, but there would be absolutely no hidden agenda if it was me. I would probably would feel a bit insecure if it was the other way round when I still don’t feel myself after having my kids. So I do get where you’re coming from but, but honestly I would trust what your husband said.

He doesn't need another friend. It's inappropriate. YANBU

Yet another ‘hobby’ thread where dh is clearly playing away/emotional affair and getting away with it 🤨
It’s very suspicious OP, of course he wants you to meet her, of course you can look through his phone .. it’s the first signs of ‘proving’ there’s nothing going on .. the start of gaslighting.
I hope you get it sorted, but I fear not.

I am quite a jealous person, but I'm surprised at the replies to this. Of course it's possible to run into someone you know, especially in somewhere like St Pancras where there are so many people, and neither your h or his ex live in London so they're statistically more likely to be at a travel hub.
If your H is trustworthy, I don't get why you'd have an issue with this. They're not going to have arranged a secret meeting with your toddler tagging along, are they!
One of the biggest green flags for me in a man is that they speak kindly and are respectful of their ex. If I met an ex randomly, and we both had time, I'd have a coffee with them. And I'd have something to say if my current DP said I wasn't allowed to.

This would be completely unacceptable for me. Then again I wouldn’t have accepted him following her on instagram.

There is absoloutly no need for it. I have met up with an ex before after I divorced but I had no contact with him during my relationship with XH. Of course we ended up being intimate at this meet up.

The fact they have been messaging since would be screaming huge alarm bells to me.

Trust your gut. Mine has never failed me when I sense something is off.

Urghhhh I wouldn't like this either, sorry. Yes I live in London and I've bumped into people at Waterloo BUT he's clearly desperate to keep the conversation going. Who the fuck needs telling which book to read in which order? 🙄

The fact that he's so keen for you to "check" his messages makes me suspicious. Does he have a work mobile?

Take a look at battery usage to see what apps he's surviving time on, and whether he has hidden or deleted anything.

No, he really doesn’t need to be in contact with her at all! Especially if she doesn’t even live in the country!

But as an aside, in 2005 me and my husband, entirely by coincidence ran into his mate who he’d known since birth, both from a tiny South Yorkshire pit town, in a tiny pub in Georgia USA! Neither knew the other was even in the US!

I don’t think it’s impossible or off limits to be friendly with an ex (especially one from so long ago!) but I know I’m not a cheater. My DP is firmly on “you can’t be friends with exes because it will mess with your new relationship” grounds so I guess he wouldn’t.

In his case, he gave a weak excuse to what seems to be a planned Meetup and that itself is a gigantic red flag.

Don't be thinking there something wrong with you and you have low self esteem. I would find this totally inappropriate and would not be comfortable with it at all.

Obviously can't help that they bumped into each other, and I wouldn't mind if they stopped and had a chat. Going for a coffee, I wouldn't like but say if they had a very extroverted character I'd probably understand it more, but texting after and the suggestion of a friendship with them I would see as completely inappropriate.

If you say you're uncomfortable with it (and many people would be, so don't be thinking your crazy), he should have more respect for that than he is doing.

I come from a small town in Australia, around 6000 people. For such a small rural town the people really get about. If I'm talking to people (the usual where are you from questions) it's not unusual that they know someone from that town. For random running into people, the most memorable one was two people from that town ran into each other at the running of the bulls in Spain (obviously I knew one of them). You cannot escape them!

So I believe the random running into each other.

He’s now said that he isn’t going to meet up with her as it clearly makes me uncomfortable but that he doesn’t think it’s very fair I believe he is doing anything wrong in continuing the conversation from a coffee.

Crikey there's some very suspicious and also very controlling replies on here. Do people really tell their partners who they can or can't be friends with?! I would not be in a relationship like that, what's the point of having so little trust in someone that you have to control who they can speak to to stop them cheating on you.

Anyway....I went to London for the day from Newcastle with DH a few mths ago and bumped into THREE separate people also from Newcastle that we knew while there. Also it was a coffee, with his toddler...hardly a romantic liaison. I sometimes meet my exDH for a meal out.

I think you trust someone or you don't.

Just to add, XH and I once bumped into one of his exs in my apartment block elevator in the early days of our relationship (I had met her once on a night out but had no clue they had dated previously). He smugly told me she was a lovely girl who I should become friends with. I was only 21 at the time but remember it really rubbed me up the wrong way but didn’t show it to him. He started liking her provocative photos on instagram shortly after and I almost broke up with him over it so he unfollowed her.

As soon as we seperated he started following her again and back to liking her provocative photos. Maybe that’s why in this situation my alarm bells would be ringing.

I have bumped into exs while in a relationship. When it’s happened it’s just been a “Oh hi, how are you? Hope you’re keeping well” scenario. Sometimes they have messaged me after but if in a relationship, I never replied.

I have ran into an ex at an event a couple of hundred miles away from where we live. It’s an event that runs for 3-4 of weeks, a few hours a day, 15 minute slots. Hundreds of tickets sold every year. We were booked on the same day, the same time slot. My partner struggled to believe me too but honestly, weird coincidences happen.

However, I wouldn’t be happy with the social media and all the other interactions. There really is no need and I don’t care if it makes me look insecure. Millions of people in the world and he really needs to be friends with an ex? I’m not this open minded.

Something feels off. Anyone who wants to 'prove' it by going through their phone has already deleted everything incriminating. This happened to me with an ex. iF I were you I would keep my eye on him and his phone very closely.

I also met someone I was suspicious of with my XH. He let me go through his phone but it went on for months before i got the truth - they were having an affair. Not to scare you but be aware not everything is what it seems

It made you uncomfortable because it is an ex! That is valid enough.

he needs to respect how this has made you feel. If the shoe was on the other foot and you’d seen an ex and sat and had coffee with him for over an hour with your child and then exchanged numbers and starting texting Im sure he’d see it through a different lenses

I think it sounds pretty innocent to be honest. A few weeks ago I bumped into an old friend I hadn’t seen for years in Central London- and he lives in another country. I’ve had a number of coincidences like that over the years in the various places I’ve lived.
I don’t think it would be out of the realms of possibility that I’d go for a coffee with my ex if we happened to bump into each other either.
if their break up was amicable and they had lots in common then it probably just felt natural to catch up. I wouldn’t worry about it x

I’ve run into people in London before. It would be a very weird lie. If he was going to that level of deception why even tell you in the first place? I think it’s more worrying how little you seem to trust your DH?

We went to see Coldplay last week at Wembley.

In the lift of our hotel my DC was recognised by another hotel guest who was a customer at his works. There was us 4 plus them 2 in the lift.

We live in a small town in the north west. We commented how much of a coincidence it was to be in the lift at that time so a busy station probably more likely.

If you generally trust him and have absolutely no other reasons to doubt him I would chalk this up as being exactly what he says.

I didn’t think the situation was suspicious, even from your first post. And those messages between them that you posted reinforce my view that it seems perfectly innocent. Perhaps your present lack of confidence is making you suspicious/paranoid? I’m sorry you are feeling that way though, it must be difficult.

Do you think he's hoping to make you feel guilty?