My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Really! I am struck by the lack of experience and awareness on here. A deliberate dumbing down of the facts or the meaning.

They were lovers for a long time, not just randoms meeting for coffee.
Of course that changes things.

He described enjoying her company, and they are very well matched due to interests, it seems that this is continuing quietly as she is clearly messaging him. They are actually arranging to meet again for wine!

I am find this faux cool wife thing irritating. I am older and have seen over and over again exactly this kind of arrangement play out. I have also seen it nipped in the bud, and the saving of a family unit.

It is never ever controlling to have boundaries. It is not wrong to say you are uncomfortable or unhappy with a change or a development.
It happens over the years in long marriages.

Protecting your relationship is natural, and should work both ways.

What are the mathematical chances of running into her when she just happens to be in London and he just happens to be there too, despite rarely travelling there. And then magically rather than just saying hi and exchanging a few pleasantries as would normally be the case - both of them happen to have a spare hour or two for a coffee. I honestly despair if you think all of these coincidences just kind of happened, and no wonder so many women are blindsided.

He is still very much in touch with her, enough to be arranging to see her more than once and going to a fairly big effort to do so - so that he can discuss foreign films. Enough for them to be comfortably messaging each other directly again. Wine. Books. Whatever.

I hope he keeps his word op.

A massive red flag.

Sounds like you're looking for a problem, as for running into someone randomly, it happens all the time, be that ex, someone you worked with, have not seen for 20 years since school. and most of the times in the strangest places. it's often easier to pick out a familiar face 1500 miles from home than walking down your local high street, as you're not expecting to see Tom from school in the middle of Spain - it happens, and has happened to me a lot of times.

He's also told you about it, hidden nothing and had his kid with him, like most kids they are the biggest snitches going.

Oh spare us the "I am an older all-knowing wise woman" routine, it's one of the most tedious things the paranoid crew on MN do.

Your experience is not, in fact, all-encompassing. Half of the posters on this thread have shared their experience of bumping into exes, being friends with exes, keeping positive platonic contact with former lovers. You've ignored that, dismissed us rudely as "cool wives" and insisted on extrapolating your limited, anecdotal experience into a universal rule that everyone secretly wants to shag their ex. And you've continued to do this even when the OP has come back and updated us on the positive, open, respectful communication between her and her husband (which is a more important factor in a healthy relationship than whether either of them still talk to their exes).

Most people I know have a "been there, done that, absolutely no reason to do that again" attitude to their exes, because there was almost always a very good reason the relationship didn't work. Sometimes it ends acrimoniously, in which case of course you don't want to talk to them again. If it doesn't, why throw out the common interests and enjoyment of each other's company even if it's clear you don't work together romantically?

Or sometimes they move overseas and you are very much still in love with them…

A two year old is going to be the biggest snitch?! Right.

I actually laughed reading this.

Kindly, it sounds like you need to work on your own self esteem.

Kindly I have sound self esteem. Why would it interest you anyway - surely you need to comment on the thread no? I have been on here for decades, and after a while you learn to spot the patterns…

Anyway I am glad you are enjoying yourself 🙄

They aren't giving their opinion they are stating facts. He IS lying, it WAS deliberate. They make themselves look unhinged. None of us can possibly know for definite.

So have I and so can I spot patterns. But a pattern is not an inevitable set groove and this man has not gaslit or lied to the OP at any point.

You can’t say that he hasn’t lied! You haven’t the first clue whether he pre planned it. We know he messaged her as op saw her name flash up on his phone.

Given op likes to be rational I calculated the probability which is 1 in every 219,000 chance and considered ‘close to zero’ in terms of an accidental meeting in London given he doesn’t live there, and rarely goes into town.

My opinion is that he didn't plan it and hadn't lied, based on the OPs knowledge of her husband and what she's told us about the exchanges this far. Dozens of people have given examples of chance meetings like the one described. The people categorically stating as fact that he has Machievellian plans and is involving his toddler in them and are practically rubbing their hands in anticipation of a big reveal are disturbing frankly.

Whoops, wrong thread !!

Totally disagree with this comment.
Her Spidey senses are tingling because her DH meeting up with an ex and seems intent on continuing to do so..
This is not a low self esteem issue.
She's reached out to MN to see if she's off the mark.
Lots of people agree with her being worried. Lots don't. I think it's a bit low to tell her she needs to work on herself. Her husband may be doing something untoward, threating her whole family life. You don't know if he is or isn't. Only time will tell.

I think his behaviour seems fine, and your initial feelings on it are perfectly normal and expected. Those two things don't have to be mutually exclusive.

I know it seems unlikely to bump into someone in a busy station, but it happens - and from the messages it sounds just like that. This aspect of it wouldn't worry me, as long as he didnt have a history of lying or cheating.

I dont think I'd be comfortable with a continued friendship between them. That's probably my own insecurity. Im not saying there's anything wrong with it, just it would make me uncomfortable.

This comes from what sounds like a similar position - my husbands male:female friends are about 50:50. He doesn't maintain any relationships with exes, but might have a drink in passing if he bumped into one. If he suggested going to the cinema with one I'd think he'd lost the plot.

Anyway, he lied to you and met up with his ex behind your back, and now he's messaging her - well he was already messaging her and now you have actually caught him at it.

See you back here in a year when you confirm he's sleeping with her and are just so surprised because you chose to trust him after he obviously lied to you and were flabbergasted he'd keep lying.

Just ask to have the thread taken down, you don't want to listen to basic common sense, so no point in having it up.

Yep, good points.

Wow what an unnecessary and nasty post. Congratulations on knowing the OPs husband who you've never met better than she does.

Wow, what an unnecessary and nasty post. Congratulations on bleating whiny nonsense at a person you've never met who knows how reality works.

You know how reality works? Wow!

Who pissed on your chips? I'll leave you to it...I have no interest in spending time in the company of such relentless negativity.

I have, on multiple occasions, run into people I know at airports all over the world. It happens. You sound like you have trust issues - why is that?

There's no reason for him to rekindle a relationship with his ex even just as friends. Why? Why would he think you'd want to go socialising with her and I seriously doubt he'd he OK if the shoe was on the other foot

Why wouldn't you? Are you solely with your partner for sex? I tend to actually like and enjoy the company of the people who I enter romantic relationships with.