My DH “ran into” his ex

[Erras]

Hi, so DH and I have been together for 5 years, married for 3 and have a 22 month old daughter together.

On Saturday DH took our toddler to visit his friends in London, when he got home he told he he’d ran into his ex, in the train station (a very big and busy central long station), he told me that he stopped and had a coffee with her. They broke up 6 or so years ago, she doesn’t live in the uk and like I said this was a massive station so I already find the probability of that being an incidental run in being very low (but then I’m always highly suspicious of coincidences). He still follows her on instagram etc.

I asked why he stopped for coffee and he said that he didn’t really know why, he just wanted to catchup with her and see how life had treated them. I don’t why but it makes me really uncomfortable that my daughter was there for this conversation. He told me that they probably chatted for about an hour or so, she had just arrived in London so was in no hurry and the trains to our town are pretty frequent so he wasn’t really clock watching.

I let it go as I didn’t really want to cause an argument and I felt like I’d been irrational.

Then tonight he left his phone on the counter and I saw her name flash up, I asked why she was messaging and he told me that they had spoken about some films/songs/books and she had just sent a list of recommendations, he offered his phone for me to check this myself.

I told him that I do trust him but I find him being friendly with his ex makes me quite anxious. He said he understands and that he wouldn’t say they are friends just someone he ran into following up and n part of the conversation, but he thinks after this time and me being the one he married and had a child with he feels that if he did want to be friends with her he should be able to. I asked if he wanted to be her friend and he told me that he wouldn’t be against both of us meeting up for wine with her and her partner or going to see a film together. He told me that there are some hobbies he shares with her (Foreign language films, philosophy, tennis, F1) that he doesn’t share with me and while that doesn’t mean he wants her or doesn’t love me it’s just that we are both allowed to have hobbies which the other doesn’t share and as long as we do have some joint hobbies it shouldn’t be something I feel threatened by.

None the less I really don’t feel comfortable with him being friends with his ex. In some ways I think it’s because I have low self esteem and feel like she is more attractive, more intelligent and more fun to be around.

I’ve asked my friends and they seem split on if I’m being unfair or not.

AIBU to A) doubt that it was really an incidental run in and B) not be comfortable with them being friends.

Being social media friends isn’t a friendship. Meeting for a coffee sounds arranged. With your daughter in tow was poor on his part. However the fact he would let you meet her is positive. But there is a line that could be crossed particularly if they have more in common and the danger is that could reignite. I think he needs to be more honest and needs to shut the friendship down tbh.

Or maybe he's a rational grown up who can have a coffee and a conversation about books with an ex that he bumped into, without it being an ego trip or him wanting to jump into bed with her.

I have a couple of friends who remain really good friends with their ex spouses. I really respect that kind kind of maturity, being able to break up without antipathy, and still recognising the qualities in each other that initially brought them together.

The messages and his responses in the conversation sounds fine to me. He's just someone who is able to remain rational after a break up.

I have a nasty habit of running into people I know in the most random of places. In fact it is the subject of mych ribbing from my dh!

For example, a former teacher 30 years after I left school and about 20 years after I last saw her. We ended up in the same pub in a tiny town in Northumberland.

Or at shopping outlet place i rarely go to and running into a former work colleague

Or at a massive work exhibition at the NEC where i was standing in for a colleague, I was being walked around by our MD and having the kit explained to me when we walked passed another stand and my high school ex. Boyfriend was stood there. Him and my MD knee each other well, niche industry...height of embarrassment when said ex told my md we dated.

Coincidence does happen...

I think you are being unreasonable to jump.to there being more to it.

There are always going to be women on MN trying to convince OPs there is some thing sinister going on even when it’s pretty obvious there isn’t

Should she LTB in your opinion

Here we fucking go again. Same old shite they expect us to swallow. ‘Read my messages’, ‘we’ll meet altogether’ blah blah blah. He’s been inside her vagina and it’s perfectly reasonable to not want them to be messaging one another. He’s only being so open because it hasn’t gotten far YET. I’m begging you to update this thread in a few months to prove to the women on here that think it’s innocent that it is indeed not innocent,

And the old favourite ‘you’re the one I had a baby with’ like they’re the prize!!

It’s not unreasonable to expect your husband not to be friends with an ex if he wasn’t friends with her when you agreed to marry him,
Meet up with your ex and start messaging him and following him and see how he fucking likes it the piece of shit liar.

I think it’s possible he could have run into her. I ran into some friends (sitting opposite me on a train!) who we met on holiday in Barcelona who live 200 miles away from us. I’m not sure about the continuing friendship though especially as you’ve said you’re uncomfortable with it. I’d expect him to respect your feelings about this

Good grief.

There really are some batshit people on this forum.

I am usually very suspicious about this sort of thing but I will say it really IS a possibility that they met by accident. This has happened to me on FOUR separate occasions, over a period of about 30 years, when I bumped into my childhood sweetheart in places I would never have expected. One of those when I was back home visiting for just 1 day from living in London.

Having said that though, I would feel uncomfortable they want to carry on being in contact DH is talking about you all going out as a foursome. Just no.

Most women like to feel like they could get their ex back if they wanted. Now, I’m not saying she could, but her feeling like she could is enough and your husband should never, ever entertain that - which he is doing. I don’t speak to any of my exes, my husband doesn’t.

I think it's really sad that you've obviously been on the receiving end of some poor treatment and betrayal. But that absolutely does not mean it's universal and it's pretty disgraceful that you're calling this guy names on the basis of fuck all.

It’s an unbelievable coincidence. She lives overseas, got off the train at a massive station (assuming Victoria / Paddington/ Kings Cross) and bumps in to her ex boyfriend and they both happen to have an hour free for a coffee? Pull the other one.

I live within a three miles radius of at least three ex’s and haven’t bumped in to any in about 15 years.

Seems perfectly reasonable to me. Coincidences do happen. People can be friends with an ex. I'd have looked at the phone message when he said you could. That would probably have put your mind at rest.

You’ve summed it up perfectly. Totally agree.

Consider me disgraceful then 🤷🏻‍♀️ she won’t update the post in a few months but I am 100% sure this man is lying and isn’t over his ex and thinks he can gaslight his wife into believing she’s unreasonable.

Seen it too many times, read it too many times, lived it too many times. Those that think their partners are good ones just don’t know any different yet.

And there are plenty of people just on this thread who have. "Going for a coffee" makes it sound dodgy and romantic when really it's "grab a paper cup of overpriced hot water in a busy and loud crowded place while wrangling a toddler" when there's a train every twenty minutes so can get the later one. It's really not that deep as my teenager would say.

This. I really don’t think you have much to worry about, unless she’s single, or about to be, and is planning a move back to the UK…

Hi OP, there is a possibility that the meeting was coincidental. We have all bumped into someone who we weren't expecting to. I visited Paris and bumped into a friend of a friend who I knew quite well.
Re the request for future meetings and sharing of interests, I wouldn't be 100pc comfortable with this but I can understand why somr people would.
I may appear cynical but most men who have female friends ( that are separate to their friends wives /partners) are likely to be wanting more than friendship

Me too. Not only was she visiting here from overseas, she bumped into him in a huge train station, they both had free time to chat and reminisce over a coffee, he follows her on sm, they’re swapping reading lists, agreeing to catch up over the reading .. then gaslighting OP making her believe she’s wrong and guilty to be worried and upset 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Give it a few months, there’ll be a whole new thread ‘dh is having an affair with his ex, turns out it’s being going on for months, possibly longer’ 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Why don’t other women believe this though? Are some of us just really cynical? Or realists? I really wish these women would update the threads a few months later to prove to the ones that believe this crap that men lie - all the time! And why did he need to comment on what his ex looked like if it’s absolutely innocent? If it smells like bull and sounds like bull then it’s bull.

100% this. I can’t believe the OP hasn’t picked up on it! Why does he need to comment on how she looks? And he is clearly fishing to see if he’s in with a chance and the woman actually seems like she’s trying to put him off by mentioning his wife!

I really can't see anything in this. I ran into my cousin after 20 years holidaying on he Isle of Scilly. Pure coincidence can happen.

Genuinely flabbergasted by the consensus on this thread.

This is crazy controlling behaviour. He's allowed to run into and have coffee with his ex. Heck, he's allowed to be friends with his ex - you don't own him and jealousy is such a low value and unattractive trait. I'd be using the time to get a good therapist rather than snooping through his phone.

Well I meet regularly with several male friends and exes who are friends and do so with plenty of pre-meditation. We go to the pub, get some food, go to festivals, visit our old Uni town. Neither they not I are secretly lusting after the past and our various partners are perfectly ok with it. I think it's really sad that there are so many on here that are unshakably convinced that this can't possibly be innocent and are so desperate to have updates so they can be proved right. How about we ask for an update in six months that all is well? None of us know what the outcome will be. It might be perfectly innocent now but develop, it may not. We CANT KNOW.

I don’t think saying she looked well is that odd? He says that to everyone if he hasn’t seen them in a while? I didn’t really associate it with him complimenting her looks more “you look healthy, happy and as though life has been treating you kindly”.

I think my anxiety is all insecurity and fearing that he views her as the one “who got away”. He replied to her message with “super busy this week, but hope you have a great trip and like I said was lovely to see you”, he said he was happy to not message her again as she wasn’t important to him but he wasn’t going to be rude and not reply to her message as she has done nothing wrong and he doesn’t want anyone to view him as a rude person.

The hobbies you list are quite passive, more like interests - unless he is actually driving round the track. So he would be having bonding conversations about their shared interests. I don't know, that doesn't sit right for me. Different if they were driving the car around, or going golfing or something, but they could be sitting in a pub or anywhere having these chats. It's a different dimension I think. More intimate.