To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

I believe it's called "lazy-itus".

If mum needs time out it should be up to mum to pay for childcare. If she isn't having him for her allotted days I would certainly look into whether he is actually paying too much cs. This could cut his costs so he could work less.

My response to "I'm starting a new hobby on Saturday" would be "what a coincidence - so am I!". Then get yourself out on Saturday morning - even if it's to spend the day walking / drinking coffee or whatever.

You didn't necessarily make a mistake in marrying a man with children however it looks like you made a mistake marrying THIS man. He cares nothing for your well-being, only that he can continue life relatively unencumbered by his child.

Yes, and when he starts getting expensive in a few years guess who will be expected to help pay for fancy trainers, etc. Not the flake of a mother I bet. If you are not 100% into being committed to this child maybe leave now. For the kids sake not just yours.

Whilst I totally agree with this, the chances of it happening are minimal. I suspect the DH is one of these men who takes the child whenever his ex tells him to, and its particularly handy now that he can hand the child to the OP

You were silly to marry a man with a child.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

I hope you asked him what he has arranged regards looking after his son as you have your own plans for the weekend.

I do feel for you though. The parents are failing to realise they are the parents, but this needed a stern conversation pre marriage to discuss the kind of parenting arrangement you would be willing to do.

A bit late now that you are married but no way would I have ever been mid 20s dating a man with a young child.

You need to arrange a proper conversation with your step-sons parents and say you never intended to do their job for them.

Any updates, OP?

"Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really."

"Since we moved in together, Grandma taking care of DSS has slowly stopped... This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed."

"We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts"

"DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday."

You are being taken for an absolute mug, OP.

Ignore the harsh responses, it is clear from your posts that you like and care for your DSS, and it looks like you are very involved in DSS's day to day.

Your DH has hoodwinked you. Pre-marriage and cohabitation, he didn't expect you to look after DSS much, and his mum stepped in. Since marriage, without discussion, he has actively sought to be out of the house when DSS is with you.

Side note: is he sharing the proceeds from working extra shifts? Do you have a shared pot or is he just taking advantage of free babysitting to have his own money?

DSS is lucky that he has a stepmum who cares about him and is frustrated by his parents' lack of engagement and responsibility. DSS has TWO PARENTS who should be caring for him. I do agree with PP that you need to sit your DH down ASAP and ask him what his childcare plan is for his extra shifts and his new hobby. He absolutely knows that he is taking the piss, and he clearly just believes that some woman - you, his mum - will unquestioningly swoop in to care for children.

To be honest, I'd not be able to stay with someone who doesn't care for their own child.

It was the "welcome to my world" comment that stood out for me.
This man has deliberately played the op.

PART 1: He facilitates a 'honeymoon' period where she bonds with his son. During thIs stage there is no pressure on her, no expectation that she should make any sacrifices of her personal time.
Presumably marriage will have been discussed and there has been no indication that his expectations of her (in regards to his son) will change after they are married.

PART 2: They get married and ....YAY🥳 she fell for it, hook line and sinker!!
His patience and playing nice has paid off and now he gets to live the life of a single man, going out and indulging himself whenever he likes whilst she has to stay at home and look after the kid. When she complains he laughs at her and does it even more. He knows that she's bonded to the child and she'll feel too confused and guilty to push back.

To be honest, I'd not be able to stay with someone who doesn't care for their own child
@holrosea but she is bonded to this child. She knows that if she disappears from his life then he will be neglected because his parents clearly don't care that much about him. She is trapped between resentment if she obeys and fear of what will happen to the child ( for which he will no doubt blame her) if she tries to push back.

You are blaming the wrong person here op.

The only person who is being an arsehole here is your husband.

not the exwife who is still doing 50/50.

it is not the exwifes fault at all that your husband is palming his half of parenting off on you.

im sorry for you that you didn’t spot that he is only with you to use you before you married him.

Some of the responses here give me shades of a snarky colleague who also did the "welcome to my world/you signed up for this" responses when a newly married colleague mentioned anything to do with her stepdaughter and trying to juggle shifts around school pick ups. Same snarky colleague also thought the newly married one shouldn't get the Christmas holidays off because she wasn't a "real" mum. You can't win OP.

Your DH is taking the piss. Unless the shifts are because you need the money he should be prioritising spending time with his son. The hobby is ridiculous. This would be a deal breaker for me. Please dont have children with a man who actively avoids parenting the children he's got.

Simple you tell him he cant do his hobby saturday as theres nobody to watch your stepchild as your busy. His choice to have a kid not yours.

You’ve married a lazy gobshite who can’t be arsed to parent. He will be as bad, if not worse were you to have your own child with him. All changed when that ring went on your finger eh? Conveniently got himself live in childcare who pays the bills to boot? His comment to you about a parenting shift is disgusting and the hobby thing just demonstrates utter contempt for you.

You’ve seen his true colours, you’ve only been with him 3 years and you’re still only 29. Please don’t tell me you moved him into your house? In your shoes I’d be ending this marriage and leaving the selfish prick (and his selfish ex) to it. This won’t get better.

Sorry this is long, but wanted to give my view a few years down the line, both as the SM and the DM, as I was in this situation about 15 years ago. Extremely stupid, immature and naïve and wish I'd had a strong group of internet women to tell me to leave or accept it. DSD was passed around way too much and I strongly felt that as she had two parents, they should do the bulk of the childcare. She was passed around between them, MIL and left with me a lot.

Name changed because this is shameful, but I ended up resentful of the whole situation, DH, MIL, the ex and sadly DSD as well (although I tried not to show it). By the time I had my own DCs, I was done. The situation was awful, I was knackered with new babies and anxiety and refused to "babysit" anymore. Wrong for all the DCs I know. I tried to encourage DH to do more with DSD on their own, she was older, they could go out and do stuff together, and also to try and build relationships with her friendship group but he was rarely interested.

Unsurprisingly I'm divorced now. DH was lazy with our DC too and had a lot of hobbies. He's now in a new live in relationship. Guess what, he quite often arranges extra shifts during DC contact time. I'm painfully aware that this is wrong for his new partner and my DC. So whenever I possibly can, if I know he's not there I'll just bring the DC home. It's not my "turn" to have them but I am their DM and so time off doesn't apply to me as far as I'm concerned.

As an aside, I've never left my new partner with my DC and won't be moving in with him until they're adults. I actually have a surprisingly ok relationship with DSD who is grown up now. But know I wasn't there when it counted and am trying hard to incorporate her back into our lives and be there if she needs me. She doesn't seem massively close to either of her parents either which is sad but to be expected.

I would anticipate the time coming where step son is with you full time. Every weekend on a 50/50 split is not a 50/50 split… but you can’t do anything about that

Except inform the DWP

The 'welcome to my world' comment suggests he sees himself as the victim in this.

If his extra shifts were financially motivated then he wouldn't be swapping them for a hobby. Where did the OP say the Saturday shifts were just a few hours?

They had arrangements the OP was happy with. Why are you ignoring the changes her husband made without discussing it with her or his dismissive attitude when she did try to raise it?

And now you've moved on from the OP not understanding her obligations when marrying a man with a child to "they rushed things and didn't discuss how things would work which was a mistake". Once again, they had an arrangement which worked for OP, her husband changed it without discussion and now he assumes he can take up a hobby because OP needs to be a good little wifey and suck it up.

A vagina does not obligate a woman to pick up the parenting where the actual parents are too lazy to bother. When entitled parents lament that they have no "village" what they usually mean by "village" is free childcare.

Im watching Loose Women on ITV one +one They are shortly about to discuss whether family should provide free childcare

Yep Totally agree They dont want the village that includes telling their kid off for running round a coffee shop when hot drinks are being carried around

I understand where you're coming from, of course she has bonded with DSS. However, that's not a reason to accept DH's behaviour or to stay.

This relies on OP feeling a responsibility to DSS - which she clearly does as she appears to be the only one parenting. However, as PP have pointed out, for all her care or good intentions, she is not a parent and has no parental rights to DSS.

The ideal solution, if OP wishes to remain married, is for her DH and his ex to actually parent their son.

@holrosea , yes, ideally these two parents who don't give much of a damn about their child are going to stop being parents who don't give too much of a damn about their child!
It's not going to happen though is it. If she tries to push back he will keep pressing on the guilt button. He will do anything rather than give up his new free found freedom from the drudgery of spending time with his 5-year-old son.

Some people on this thread seem to think the term 'wife' is a job description, it's not.

Also to all the entitled parents who seem to think that that getting into a relationship means you can shirk all of your parental responsibilities and emotionally blackmail your partner into doing it all for you - YOU are the ones who need to be upfront about your expectations on marriage, you are the ones who should put on your dating profiles that you're looking for a partner/nanny so that you can get on with working extra hours or taking up a new hobby. It was YOUR choice to have kids, the buck stops with you, and you should be grateful for support others offer you.