To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Young enough to start again op, because even if he changes now I honestly think you will end up back in the same position if you have a child with him… with more painful options

Which is still not a reason for OP to stay.

OP - talk to your husband about your visions for the next year and 5 years, and whether they are shared.

If you suggested taking on an important commitment (e.g. training course) at weekends that would help the household get ahead longer-term - what would his response be?

You need to test these things now before having children of your own, to make sure you're on the same page.

I didn't do this. And while I'm grateful for the positives in my life, it was a mistake not to have been clear upfront that the things I wanted out of life - real needs for me - would very likely no longer be possible.

MN is mad sometimes.

Are none of you allowed hobbies, or shifts at work? Do your husbands not play 5 aside, golf, breathe independently?

Biological kids or otherwise, does all parenting happen with oversight in your houses?

It should be something both parties have access to, by no means do I think that only men are entitled to rest, a break or a life outside the home but are we really all this bothered when the menfolk leave the house?

Get your own hobby, both parties would then have something to do and a break, but I cannot imagine banning a grown man from having a life outside of his house and children 😂.

‘Should’ doesn’t come into it when you’re responsible for a child. He isn’t at liberty to just pick up extra shifts and a hobby without sorting out childcare. And if he can’t sort out childcare? Then tough shit, he can’t pick up extra shifts and a hobby. That isn’t OP ‘banning’ him, that’s just the reality of what he signed up for when he became a parent.

Picking up his childcare slack and being a parent to his child isn’t what OP became responsible for when she married him. YOU may have agreed to do that for your husband, but that isn’t something that anyone else needs to follow your lead on.

Totally agree - why is it ok for his mother to opt out and yet you’re just expected to absorb whatever load. Your DH should be asking if you’re happy to assist each and EVERY time and he should use childcare or reschedule his work around his parenting responsibilities.

If he wanted a babysitter he should employ one, he shouldn't have married the OP.

Marrying someone with a child or children doesn't mean they are entitled to use you as defacto babysitter without prior discussion.

This is really a conversation that should have taken place before marriage and moving in together. But better late than never.

His childcare lives in his house. They’re either a family or they’re not.

If they’re not - no more school runs, or nice lovely days out, or furniture choosing. You cannot be half in/half out depending on how you feel.

You’re either responsible for the child, or don’t want to be. But both of those options should be fully committed to. Anything else isn’t in the best interest of the child, which is really who all of this should be about.

So why can his mum opt out?

Ah yes, because there’s one universal dynamic all families must emulate in order to be considered family. Oh no, wait. There isn’t.

His wife isn’t his childcare, didn’t sign up to be, and doesn’t have to be now he’s trying to force it onto her. She isn’t responsible for his child, no matter how much you wish to insist that she is. Married or not, he has a responsibility that isn’t shared with his wife.

You may have accepted servitude upon marriage, and for some reasons are intent on presenting it as something to aspire to, but you didn’t actually have to. That was your choice, and it’s not a fate anyone else has to resign themselves to.

No idea. As I said before, my stepsons mum has fully opted out, legally and by all other means.

It’s horrendous, deeply unpleasant, and something nobody can change. I can’t make her want her son, but I can make sure he has loving parents in this house.

It is not about tired adults and hobbies. It’s about a little boy who needs looking after, particularly if his mother is making indications that she’ll be largely out of the picture.

I’ve seen the impact of that on a child, and as much as I absolutely acknowledge the pressure it puts on everyone, I would never have begrudged my stepson the care he needed from the other adults in his life, blood relative or not.

You can’t claim to have integrated yourself into a family, and then pick and choose what you do in it. Like I said - all in or all out.

I’m also not married, and don’t live in servitude. I live in a house where all responsibilities are shared, equally.

I’m a step parent too and it’s nice that you want to make that sacrifice but you don’t speak for us all.

@SleeplessInWherever You could just post a shorter version cos what you really mean is ..............i had to so why shouldnt you.

And you are doing all this without even being married to him? He saw you coming

This may come as a shock, but some people don’t want to get married.

This would be both of our second marriages, and neither of us are interested in the piece of paper.

But thank you for your concern.

That's wrong then. He should maybe make his child his hobby, he is being selfish then and isn't going to change.

It doesn't matter if you are a step mum or not, no parent gets to decide that the other parent is the default childcare so they can just work or do a hobby whenever they feel like it.

It needs a discussion.

I can't just decide to work every Saturday and leave my husband (and their dad) in charge without any discussion about why. If I want to pick up any Saturday I run it by him first to see if he was wanting to do anything.

I would be fuming if he just decided that every Saturday he would suddenly decide to work and I'm the kids actual parent! If he said "we need the money so I was thinking of working Saturdays because it pays well" then I would say "ok but there will be Saturdays I want some time for me when you can't work"

He usually goes out on a Sunday afternoon but if there was something that I wanted to do that I could only do on a Sunday then he would have to skip his hobby just the same as I would when I was running on a Saturday or arrange childcare (which I had to do because both of us wanted to do something on a Saturday that couldn't be moved)

That's life as a parent, you are no longer free to universally decide to disappear, it needs to be discussed with the other parent.

No, you absolutely can ‘pick and choose’. You may have felt you couldn’t, but once again, that isn’t a standard that applies universally (and thank fuck for that). Hell, there are posters in this thread that wouldn’t tolerate this from their husbands in nuclear families with shared children.

I don’t know why you signed up for a situation that anyone with an ounce of self respect would be dodging harder than Neo dodged bullets in the matrix, but I guess it goes to show that truly, one person’s heaven is another’s hell.

Misery loves company.

She ‘shouldn’t’ be able to but we know that some parents do and there is rarely much that the remaining or ‘default’ parent can do, as they do not control that other parent. I mean, if the best interests of the child is your priority.

OP really does need to have a conversation with her DP about the balance of work if it is unfair but she needs to be careful - there is a difference between saying we need to share child care and you need to engage with me before starting new hobbies and extra shifts that impact me and suggesting that as a step Mum she shouldn’t have to do child care.

I mean, it’s not on just taking up new hobbies etc without discussing the impact on time whether you have kids or not or whether they are your biological or step kids.

I come from a blended family and currently live in one - creating lines due to whether you are biologically related or not is not a path I would suggest anyone go down if they want to live in a close, loving, family environment. In my experience blood is not always thicker than water.

OP needs to have a discussion about how they are going to manage time and work as a family not start from the premis of not being the biological mother - especially given the effort she already makes.

Not a stepmum but surely in any family you make these types of decisions together, like my husband wouldn’t just work a Saturday without checking in with me that I didn’t have plans or the kids, we’re a team. Surely this is a DH issue? Taking you for granted is not a great move

I just think they’re saying it to the put the boot in. They’d do the same if she said the opposite.

You really are incredibly rude. That was completely unnecessary.

If there are people on this thread that would complain at their husbands/partners for working or having a hobby, that’s a them issue.

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

Well hopefully you laughed and said 'you are joking?' You sound like a lovely step mum trying to do your best but your DSS's parents are both completely taking the piss. Clearly your 'D'H waited until you were married and trapped before he started really taking the piss.

Honestly, you're young and have years to have your own kids if you want to. You've only been together a few years, walk away now, I would.

Yes, we are bothered when menfolk leave the house, and are shirking his responsibilities.

No one has said that dh can’t have hobbies etc, but do them when he has parental duties.