To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

The issue isn’t that he’s working or has a hobby, it’s that his dumping his sole responsibility, that is his child, onto OP. As you full well know.

I told no lies. You hold the keys to your own prison. Instead of using them to lock other women in with you, you can use them to free yourself.

In one of the most recent updates, OP said that this week the child’s mum would have had him one day, and that’s only if she took him today.

If that’s the new status quo, and parental duties become full time (as lots of other people’s are), nobody will be allowed to go anywhere, and that’s not sustainable.

I agree they need to have a conversation about how to manage the increase of contact time in their home, but I think the issue is communication and not the idea that step parents shouldn’t have their step children independently for extended periods because they’re not theirs.

If the custody increases, as it appears to be, and stays that way, they’ll both need a break, and OP not having her DSs by herself is a real barrier to that.

I have no idea what you think I need freeing from, but I can assure you it isn’t the responsibility of a child that I knowingly accepted into my life.

It’s an absolute luxury to be able to have free time to indulge in hobbies etc. You can’t expect anyone to facilitate that for you. Most parents struggle with the commitments they have let alone the optional extras. It’s not OP’s responsibility to provide childcare to facilitate downtime for her husband. That attitude will soon see OP’s needs bottom of the pile.

Her husband needs to set firmer boundaries with his ex. Not allow his own life to be uninterrupted at schedule changes at the expense of OP.

This!

I think the bigger issue here is the selfish entitied malingering ex who just wants “me time” . Sorry but everyone has MH of some kind to deal with & poor OPs & DH’s & childs MH will be impacted because of that awful shameful woman who can’t apparently cope looking after her own child. She should do 50%. Most parents want their kids more not less. She needs to step up and be a half decent mother and stop dumping her responsibility on her ex & his new partner / OP.

Totally agree

I'm baffled about why you keep characterised women's boundaries as controlling. You seem to think your situation is the same as the OP's and the blue print by which all blended families should be guided. She is doing plenty of parenting but you seem frustrated that she refusing to martyr herself. No one is advocating child neglect we just don't think daddy should be off the hook for parenting duties.

You do you.

"You’re either responsible for the child, or don’t want to be".

I was a committed step-parent, but never saw myself as fully-responsible, when the child had two capable parents. And what is the chance, really, of both parents dying before this child is 18?

There is a space between fully-responsible and not responsible, and life is about figuring out the space which works best, which will depend on the people involved.

Similarly - there is variety in family dynamics, not a single dynamic governed by 'the rules'.

How a 'family' works is up to the people in the family - not enforced by what the loudest voices or malest members say it is!

Agree

Comments like this aren’t fair on posts like this.

I presume your thought process and experience comes from the fact that your husband isn’t actually an arsehole. That he and you have an equal loving relationship of give and take.

so absolutely nothing like the situation the op is in

the ops husband is an arsehole who has married the op so that she can do his parenting.

completely and utterly different.

Too right. Happened to me once many years ago. I was introduced to his 7 year old DD far too early and was suddenly seen as weekend babysitter and laundress.
I soon put a stop to it and got rid of him but I felt awful about the 7 year old little girl.

They would rightly complain of it was done without discussion.

Like I said earlier I'm so glad that DH's kids are adults and I don't have any responsibility for them!

Oh these comments have made me 🙄, classic example that you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t!

So OP should step into the role of the mother for the child? If your answer to this is ‘no’ (which I suspect) then you can’t expect her to play that role.

As step parents we have a tightrope we walk. We must not step on biological parents toes, yet if we don’t mother the child in question we are terrible people. Come on now, make it make sense!

OP you need to sit your husband down and tell him you are happy to look after your DSS but he is not your primary responsibility and therefore you are happy to help, but DH needs to be front and centre as a parent. Truth be told, as my DSS step father has had demonstrated to him recently, if you split with their parent you end up with very little relationship with them very quickly…. Sad as it may be the reality is that they are not your child and you have no legal rights nor responsibility to them.

Despite what some people are trying to imply, you are not in the wrong. Your update makes it clear you love this little boy and do want to be involved with him, but it’s clear his dad is being a rubbish parent and, in marrying you, has sought to abdicate his own responsibilities to you as much as possible. Sit him down and draw boundaries on the fact that he is his sons primary caregiver due to the child’s mother’s incapacity and that you wholeheartedly support that, the term being ‘support’. Therefore you are more than happy to cook, wash and care for your DSS when it is impossible for DH to be there, but, as such he should be at home whenever possible to care for his son.

I look after my SS on the odd occasion without question, but my DH hates loosing out on time with his son so this is bloody rare and only when completely unavoidable, the rest of the time we do things together as a family, although they do do football training together on a Tuesday as I do think them having one on one time together is also very important for their relationship.

You are not wrong here OP. Sit him down and tell him to step back up as a father!

The fact that you do NOT know (are aware), and HAVE to ask says MORE

And this is a two parent household with both of them working. Why should the OP be looking after the child when she has worked a full week? Her husband is taking extra shifts/new hobbies without consultation and the bio mum of the child is flakey at best.

You’re basically saying the OP should do as she’s told or leave the relationship? Do you think she should be cooking all the meals and doing all the cleaning as well?

All the OP is asking for is that the 3 people in this child’s life share his care more equally.

How?

Exactly this.

Think some are being a bit unfair here. Sounds like the husband has moved the goalposts almost the second they got married.

Yes. That’s Huw I interpreted it. Whilst op lived with partner, he did the parenting and she assisted. As soon as they were married, he expected her to do more without any discussion.

married (since January)

That IS the HOW - says MORE

As of NOW - 18/09/2025 - married (approx) 8 months PLUS time together BEFORE marriage - what DO you people talk about ?

If he was your Bio child, you would need to do this anyway! He's not a toy that you can pick up and put down when convenient for you! You're not a babysitter, either...you're now his step-mother! A legal mother and guardian to this child. Your husband's bio child. What if this was your husband saying the same thing about your child? If they were -his- step child. Living together 18 months -only- and married since January!?

You really didn't think into the important part where you would need to be an adult and a mother to a step-child.

Jesus. This forum really blows my mind, sometimes.

I totally disagree

I don't expect my children's step mother to be an extra full parent. It is my job to be their mother and their dads job to be their father. I am grateful to their step mum for stepping in from time to time but it's absolutely not her job to do so.

She's not his mother or his guardian.
'Step mother' is not a legal status. The OP hasnt adopted him.

The child has a Mum. And a Dad.

How have you ended up with DSS every weekend? His mother needs to take more responsibility and his dad needs to not treat you like a babysitter and spend time with his son. The extra money at work isnt worth it. Good luck