To not “babysit” my stepchild?

[namechangedcusillbeflamed]

I am recently married (since January) after being with my DH for 3 years. He has DSS5.

Custody is set at half with dad, half with mum. Mum is in and out the picture quite a lot, has MH issues, and sometimes says she cannot have DSS on her days (she’s working/needs to clear her head/needs to take her DSD somewhere… etc).

Anyway, me and DH have lived together for around 18 months. Prior to getting married, I was not expected to look after DSS at all really. I would obviously spend time with him and DH together, and would be there if DH nipped the shop etc. DH always works on Monday and Tuesday until 8pm, so he usually left DSS with his mum (DSS grandma) on those nights. Since we moved in together that has slowly stopped, and he is with us now. This means when I get in from work at 6pm, I collect DSS from grandmas, bathe him and put him to bed.

We have DSS Friday until Tuesday every week - 4 nights. At the weekend, DH sometimes picks up extra shifts meaning that I am now de facto baby sitter. I looked after his all day Saturday as DH was working.

I feel awful. I really do love DSS, but it’s such a step up doing all this, and I feel like it is taken for granted. When I said to DH that I was knackered after working 7am-6pm and then doing bed time after not having much of a weekend. He said “welcome to my world, first time you’ve done a full parenting shift”

aibu to that this plan isn’t fair on me?? Or am I being a shit stepmum 😭

Jesus Christ this thread is bonkers! The kid has two parents, neither of whom want to spend time with him on a weekend, yep the OP is getting abuse?!?!?!

Dont you need your weekends for your wellbeing?

OP isn’t a parent though. Neither parent is looking after their kid much, it seems.

There are 2 issues here - firstly it sounds like your DH and his ex are not great parents. Thing very carefully about whether or not you want to have children with this man as the likelihood is that he will treat those children the same way and you will be left to pick up the slack on childcare. On the upside, consider it a gift that you have been given insight into this before it is too late!!

Secondly, I don't want to be mean, but you knew if had a child when you married him? Statements that imply that you would feel differently if this was your biological child would be a red flag to me if I was your DH. If you are not willing to treat this child as you would your own children then perhaps step parenting is not for you? This is not a criticism as I think I would probably feel the same way in your position - and for that reason I would never have married a man who already had DCs.

You are young, it is not too late to get out of this situation. I suspect that if you have your own DCs with this man, the situation will only get worse (for both of these issues).

You get what you settle for OP.
You are having the piss taken out of you.
I think you should tell your husband clearly that he is the parent, not you, and this was not the deal. From now on he needs to arrange this better with his ex.
Taking on a new weekend hobby - even the fact he suggested it would make me feel so completely disrespected.
Id honestly be considering leaving them all to it.

I'm support of @namechangedcusillbeflamed here.
This is way too much.
I think if DH wants to work on the weekend then I'd be telling him that he has to arrange for DSS's mother to ha be him.
Her having every weekend free and also only having him 3 (maximum) nights a week is not a fair split between her and your DH. Let alone any extra.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all - it sounds like you don't get any downtime at all. And not to be harsh but just to be truthful .... yours DSS is not your child. It should be between the parents of child to sort out childcare arrangements, not just assume that you will be available every single weekend.

Take up a hobby on the weekend and get yourself out of the house! Even better, decide on a joint hobby with you and your new DH and let the mother take care of the child.

I'm a mother to 2 DC and I would love every weekend "off". But I can't. Tell the mother to start parenting!

DH has now appeared home and said that he will be taking up a new hobby next Saturday. He is taking the absolute piss. I am happy to (step)parent with him but not FOR him.

Jeez this is AWFUL, an absolute pisstake, 100%!!

I mean, aside from anything else, does this man not want to see his child or spend any time with him?? Absolutely unbelievable.

So what we have here is:

• a mother who either cannot, or does not want to, parent her child over the weekend
• a father who is not stepping up to pick up the mother’s slack, is passing parental responsibilities to his new partner, and to top it all off, is committing to a brand new hobby at this challenging time, whilst expecting his new partner to parent his child

This 👏 is 👏 why 👏 single, 👏 childless 👏 women 👏 should 👏 not 👏 date 👏 men 👏 who 👏 already 👏 have 👏 children. 👏

You risk becoming the closest person in his orbit with XX chromosomes to parent his child for him, whilst he makes no adjustments to his work schedule or hobbies.

And it's hardly the crime of the century if she tells him that she has made plans on Saturday so she can't look after his child. She has no responsibility, legal or otherwise for her step-son. It's good that she loves him and enjoys doing things for him and spending time with him but she wants to do this with her husband, not on her own.

It's a bit of a coincidence that her DH is suddenly working at the weekend and taking up a new hobby at the weekend just when his ex has decided that she can't look after her son at weekends due to her mental health.

@namechangedcusillbeflamed

Such a tricky situation. Personally, I think the flippant, patronising/condescending comment by hubby is what is worse about it all!

Maybe he’s projecting some resentment/anger that he actually feels towards the mum but isn’t able to say to her? Not saying it’s ok, just trying to understand it.

I would anticipate the time coming where step son is with you full time. Every weekend on a 50/50 split is not a 50/50 split… but you can’t do anything about that.

Certainly, an adult, sensible, constructive conversation with hubby about managing the situation long term would be helpful. Yes, the goal posts seem to be slipping. Maybe once married, his mindset on step parent expectations from you may have shifted, possibly not even consciously. Maybe he just sees it as a temporary patch? Certainly, a kind push back on this would not hurt. A reminder as to the arrangement/agreement you married into.

Good luck!!!

I am struggling to understand why you are getting a hard time here. You sound like a great stepmum. I would, however, seriously reconsider your marriage. Your husband appears to have little interest in spending any time with his son and is chosing to abdicate the responsibility of childcare to you. This is unlikely to end well for either you or his unfortunate son.

OP's DH has just announced that he will be starting a new hobby on Saturday so OP will need to look after her step-son. He isn't working and he didn't ask her, he just told her what he would be doing. She could tell him that she isn't doing it and it's then his responsibility to either not go to his hobby or find someone else to care for his child.

A stepMOTHER's role comes with no legal responsibilities. She doesn't have parental responsibility and she is under no obligation to care for her step-son on her own. She likes him very much and enjoys looking after him with her DH, but doesn't want the child dumped on her so that he can go off and do a new hobby, without even asking her if she is OK with it.

Your husband is the problem here, it's perfectly reasonable for you to do school picks ups when he works late but it's ridiculous that he is deliberately picking up extra shifts on the weekend when he should be spending time with his child. I would tell him you aren't available to cover weekend childcare alone but are happy to spend the weekend as a family.

Can't believe the amount of people defending the dad leaving his child with OP all the time here?!!!

OP sounds like a great stepmum but the amount of time this man spends caring for his child would be taking the piss if OP was his actual mum!

How come he gets to decide to start working all weekend and now start a new hobby????? NO. I can't just decide to work all weekend because someone has to care for my child - a major change like that would involve serious talks with my DH. Why isn't that the case for this man?

You are being completely unfair saying that OP doesn't care about his child. She has said:

'I love my DSS, I have always fully embraced him and built a really good relationship with him. I pick him up from school, drop him off, make packed lunches, get him little gifts when he comes over, decorated his room with him in the way he wanted it, bake with him, take him to the park, take him to my family for meals, arrange birthday parties/drop at other parties, facilitate play dates, get up in the night with him when he’s unwell, take him for his haircuts, take him the Gp if he’s not well. Etc.

I have never expressed that I don’t want DSS because it’s not the case at all. DSS is not resented by me.'

She resents that, somehow, at the point her DSS's mum has decided that she can't look after her son at weekends due to her mental health, DSS's dad has suddenly started working at weekends and has just announced that he will be starting a new hobby on Saturday, leaving OP to care for his son.

OP is happy to co-parent with her DH, but she shouldn't be expected to be the default childcare for her step-son while both his parents seem to have opted out of parenting him.

I'm a step-parent with the kids with us full-time. My partner and I consider ourselves equally responsible for parenting the kids. I have parental responsibility.
This is one option of how to do step-parenting, but it is a choice that not every step family has to, or should, make. Part of the reason it works is we both support each other with work opportunities and having our own downtime. We also share finances.
Some things to think about: Are the extra working hours your partner does necessary for your household, and do you share the benefit from the money? Does your partner support you in your work and downtime by giving you opportunities to do the things you want to do? Does your partner act like the woman is the default parent? How would your partner's attitude impact parenting if you had another child together?
Before you sit down for a conversation with your partner, think about what sounds fair to you. You have no influence on how often SS is with his mum but think about your expectations around weekends. Do you want an afternoon or a morning off each and two half-days spent together? Or your partner to be responsible for SS the whole weekend and you join in with what you can? Would you like your partner to adjust working hours to do more morning or evening childcare in the week?
I hope you find a resolution that works for you.

What about when one of them (guess who!) just announces that they are starting a new hobby on Saturday so will be leaving their child with the OP with no discussion.

OP - please ignore the toxic and provocative posts by people with ThreeOddWords names, which are surprisingly keen to remind you of your place.

If anybody genuinely holds these views - I'd say that marrying and becoming 'a team' doesn't mean that women have to accept fait accompli with no consultation or negotiation. A funny sort of team!

One referred to 'the family dynamic' that the OP (and other people marrying men with children) have to adapt to. But the family dynamic can be negotiated and changed for the better - especially if the father/husband is himself changing the goalposts!

Step-parenting is hard enough when there isn't too much financial pressure, and the child is easy, and co-parenting relationships with the resident parent generally positive.

I can imagine that the OP's husband had a child quite young, and is trying to do what he thinks is his best. Perhaps he thinks it's 'his turn' for some downtime, since he didn't have as much freedom over the past few years. But it's so clearly unfair and taking advantage.

OP - you have a responsibility to your own security and long-term wellbeing. It's hard to have so much responsibility for a child without access to friendships built up during maternity leave and at the school gate. You will have less time for your other commitments, for example parents when they aren't well, and your own friends. It can be very lonely, especially if your husband is working long hours.

If you are in this for the long haul, which I presume you are - be mindful of how easy it can be to slide into your long-term needs being low-priority. Nobody will look out for them except yourself.

OP isn't responsible for him. She has no parental responsibility and no parental rights and if she split from her DH, she would have no rights to keep seeing his child.

She's complaining because he has suddently started leaving most of the weekend parenting to him. It's a bit of a coincidence that as soon as the boy's mum has started refusing to look after her child at the weekend due to her mental health, his father suddently starts working and taking up a new hobby at the weekend, leaving OP to look after her step-son.

Sounds like he saw you coming, in all honesty.

It's correct that if you choose to marry or at least cohabit with someone who has a child, there's always a possibility said DC will be with you more/full time, and you signed up for that part. But your DHs disrespect is beyond that.

Don't you think that it's a bit of a coincidence that as soon as his ex-wife/partner started saying that she can't look after their child at the weekend due to her mental health, he suddently starts picking up extra shifts at the weekend and taking on a new hobby? It sounds as though he is also avoiding looking after his own child at the weekend like the boy's mum has done. That just seems to leave OP to take up the parenting slack which doesn't seem fair when there was no discussion and OP works very long full-time hours all week. She is happy to co-paret with her DH at the weekend, she just doesn't want to do it all on her own.

I'm a step-parent with the kids with us full-time. My partner and I consider ourselves equally responsible for parenting the kids.

Well yes indeed. Although in this instance the child is just being left with his step-mum when it is his dad's time to have him!!! Not exactly "equally responsible"?!

I would also question why the dad doesn't want to spend any time with his son at all!!

Missed the bit about new hobby. I stand by the rest of my post ,but agree that this is totally selfish. Maybe she should make arrangements at weekend or take up a new interest and tell him she is unavailable.

It's not his free time though. He's working, that could make a difference if he is working for the good of the family unit, such as doing ot so they can save for a house or something.

Read the update, he wants to do a hobby. Also you have no idea what his motivation is for working. He wouldn’t be the first to pick up shifts to get out of childcare.