To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Youth Worker here (and never posted before)… you are right on so many levels in your message. And you are a great mum for even asking the questions!

You aren’t being unreasonable. Come down hard on him (although don’t take him to the police… unless you know a police officer who can show him what it’s like to go through that process, as a teaching moment).

But it is a common ‘right of passage’ peer pressured action that is so common. Being caught and the consequences afterwards is what will stop him doing it again (hopefully).

keep being amazing - come down hard, but let him know he can come and talk to you. Your son is so much more than this stupid action. Let him know that, even in the punishment.

and tell her to stop blaming you. It's no more your fault than hers

i agree with this.

You said yourself @Cathn0 that he’s got in with a rough crowd… this is the consequence.

you need to come down hard on this and nip it in the bud.

I think a huge percentage of teenagers ( from all sorts of backgrounds) do a bit of shoplifting at one point or another.

Unfortunately it probably wasn’t his first time doing it as the chances of him being caught on his first time are slim, he has probably been at it for a while

Hopefully the fact he was caught will have frightened him enough that he won’t be doing it again

I love this response.

The theft itself is so disappointing but the cocky, shruggy, total lack of remorse would make me mad as hell. You’ve done well to keep calm, OP.

Sounds like he needs a job more than ever - not least as he has way too much time on his hands with awful ‘friends’. It should also prepare him for developing a work ethic and making a contribution, financial and otherwise in the next few years.

My friend shoplifted and of all things she stole jellies. I remember her coming home in a police car and the shame she felt. It's a pity the police aren't involved to give a short sharp shock.

Don't take him to the police. I was really surprised to hear that the US won't let you in if you have a record - if I had ever been inclined to break the law, that would have made me sit up and listen.

It might be untrue, but you could say that to him. Imagine the FOMO/ guilt/ shame he might face later in life if his friends/ family/ girlfriend suggested a trip and he had to say he couldn't go because of a dumb decision in his youth?

Or show him the latest series of Casualty, which involves death-by-dumb-decision-during-youth. Not shoplifting, but another threat his latest crowd might expose him to.

He's done something stupid but it's also incredibly common. The vast majority of teens that shoplift at some point go on to be normal, productive members of society (or half my school friends would be in prison instead of raising children and/or holding down professional jobs).

Tell your mum if she's ever that rude again she can move out and give him an appropriate punishment (ground him, take his Xbox, change the WiFi password... whatever will bother him). But try not to worry, if it's out of character it's probably just a blip.

Firstly, please don't crawl under a rock. Put your darling mom under it instead, to give her time to reflect and give you a bit of peace. 😀 As a parent of an adult who is also a parent, it would have been the ideal time for her to show solidarity with you and support you. I am sorry that she is not helpful. You could play the Boyzone song for her, the one with the line "You say it best when you say nothing at all."
Of course it feels awful, and I would die of embarrassment too; nobody wants that coming to their door. How you feel reflects what a great parent you actually are! The security guard did not seem too concerned; he would have a good idea of lads of that age and what level of trouble they can get into. Privately I would take my cue from him, insofar as this is not the beginning of a life of crime but rather a teenage prank/chancing-their-arm type of venture. But between yourself and your son, as far as your son is concerned, this is really serious, and you are disappointed in his behaviour because you know he can do so much better. The fact that he is in his room without a care in the world – is that bravado? He could be bricking it but won't let on. Can your Wi-Fi be "broken" for a few days? While it is broken, he might take the opportunity to do a few small jobs around the house (isn't there always something 😊?), as a sort of community service. He might get the message during that time. Work alongside him if you can, and don't mention the incident. He will be processing it himself. Hope it goes well. To think that teething babies was all we had to worry about at one stage lol xx

I'm sorry. Don't be embarrassed, though, not your fault. I shoplifted in high school, once, with a friend. Well, she was the shoplifter, socks, if I recall, but I told her which ones I wanted. My roommate in college got caught shoplifting and the cops were called (this was 1981) and her parents had to come pick her up (no charges filed)--I wasn't with her at the time it happened and was shocked. My son was picked up by the cops for trespassing (high school, he was in an abandoned building) and I was called to go get him. I said, No thanks, you can keep him overnight or whatever you're going to do, or let him walk home. The cops dropped him off at home a few hours later and said I was the first parent who hadn't come to 'rescue' their child. Kids do stupid things. Emphasize how a criminal record can wreck his future, and then I'd just let it go. But make it clear you won't be swooping in to save him or post bail if it happens again.

If he gets a formal police caution he'll have to declare it on a visa application for all sorts of places. USA are unlikely to grant him a visa, especially now. Australia might but certainly not if he's a repeat offender or actually ends up with a record.

It's also worth noting that the intention is to repeal the legal classification of low value [sub £200] shoplifting. He's gotten off lightly now but legislators intend to roll this back given the billions it is costing the high street.

I totally agree. Stealing isn't 'daft' and it isn't a victimless crime. I've always thought 'shoplifting' is a mealy-mouthed way of describing stealing someone else's property. Downplaying it as 'just one of those things' is one of the reasons why shopkeepers and owners are enduring an epidemic of theft right now.

I hope they jolly well punish low value shoplifting. It's endemic where I am. Not a victimless crime by any standards.

I'm sure they don't want all of society's wastrels dumped on them either.

Unfair and judgmental.
I know afew teenagers who have done this ( grown-up now and responsible adults). All from nice law abiding families.
I believe it is fair to say that this is more common than people care to realise.
Of course, teenagers should be absolutely punished and reprimanded by their parents and made to reflect.

Thank God for people like you who are youth workers! Your post is brimming with common sense and insight. Thank you

DD got caught shoplifting make-up when she was about 14. I knew her friend was doing it, so I had already told her that she had better not get involved. She obviously decided not to listen to me, and one evening I got a call from a police officer requesting I collect her from the store. She was with the said friend and they had both got caught. The next day I had to take her down to the police station where she had her fingerprints taken and was given a caution. I didn't punish her as such, but I did encourage her into other youth activities to take her away from her normal crowd. One of these activities involved her visiting a prison.

As far as I know, she never shoplifted again, and she now holds a very responsible, well-paid, position in a bank.

I am sure your DS has learnt his lesson now and hopefully will have wised-up!

I got that call re my dd14 at the time robbing from primark exact same reaction as you. Herself & her friend were a sobbing mess inside in the security office of the shop & looked fairly pathetic tbh. I was absolutely fuming. Like that the girls had money & had only took stupid little things so I couldn't understand it. They were punished, grounded phone away for a time can't remember exactly & as far as I know haven't done it since!!! Hopefully he learned his lesson too.

DD got caught shoplifting make-up when she was about 14. I knew her friend was doing it, so I had already told her that she had better not get involved. She obviously decided not to listen to me, and one evening I got a call from a police officer requesting I collect her from the store. She was with the said friend and they had both got caught. The next day I had to take her down to the police station where she had her fingerprints taken and was given a caution. I didn't punish her as such, but I did encourage her into other youth activities to take her away from her normal crowd. One of these activities involved her visiting a prison.

As far as I know, she never shoplifted again, and she now holds a very responsible position in a bank.

I am sure your DS has learnt his lesson now and hopefully will have wised-up!

Keep talking with your son.
Move your Mum out.
Stop feeling guilty.

Stupid thing to do but an AIBU for being bothered by it and not just writing it off as ‘teenage antics’ is absurd. He is in the wrong. He needs to take responsibility

Exactly this, exactly what I was going to say to you. Be sure that when you sit him down, you are calm and you have a measured, thoughtful, concerned conversation with him. Adult to adult..! No tempers, just real concern for how close he came to mucking up his future.

How are you even asking if YOU are being unreasonable? His behaviour - and the grandstanding 'It's no biggie Mum" - is unreasonable. Grounding, no phone - actions have consequences. Full stop. There is a time for discussion, but "let's discuss how your stealing is acceptable" isn't on that schedule.

If you still have the level of influence over him that he will listen if you come down hard then absolutely yes that's what you need to do here. He's almost a grown man and you need to nip this in the bud. Don't let him around the rougher crowd. If you're raising him correctly then you don't want him mixing with people with scummy parents that will undo all your hard work. If that's what they get him into then there will be worse he isn't telling you and didn't get caught with.
I left home and lived alone at 17, so the fact you can still discipline him is good, you have a chance to switch him up and let him see he doesn't want to be this type of person.

I did this when I was about 14/15 and actually got arrested. My parents were just like you, absolutely horrified. They are fantastic parents and i see that even more now i am one, it was nothing they did or didn't do that made me behave that way. It was just silly teenage behaviour and I never did it again. However, it did follow me around for a few years as my career requires an enhanced DBS check. It was wiped from my record eventually, but as I grew up and matured I was so embarrassed to have to declare it all the time when applying for uni & jobs. Maybe stress that to him and how it could impact him in the future if he continues!