To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Brilliant!! Let's hope it's rolled out throughout the UK

I think you would have to accept that there are jobs he wouldn't be able to do with a drug dealing/ prison background. He wouldn't even be allowed on a reality tv show. It's not ideal.

@Bambamhoohoo

I am not sure why you are arguing. This would no fly in financial services either. There is a huge net all clause “person of good conduct”.

Minimising won’t help the OP’s son.

Why have you suddenly picked up on a post from yesterday and demanded to know why I’m arguing? Isn’t it you arguing?

my posts are clear, legally accurate and backed up by people who do the vetting for suggested jobs. Maybe question some anecdote you adopted in 2005 and haven’t given much thought since

@Bambamhoohoo i currently recruit in FS. Thanks.

Yes me too and that’s where I recently got legal advice re: drink driving / admin role.

would you retract a job offer for someone convicted of drink driving? Hopefully HR would step in before you did.

@Bambamhoohoo

I will mention again the clause “person of good conduct”.

I don’t recruit for admin roles.

Financial services (which I am just using as an example)!is highly regulated. It seems you don’t have much experience of this. Hence why I questioned why you are arguing when I am literally explaining to you that these issues can and do have long term consequences.

This is absolutely not your fault , ignore your mum she’s being very unhelpful and rude .
I wouldn’t be marching him down the police station but a suitable punishment is necessary so he thinks twice about trying it again.
It is possible him and his friends will be banned from that one shop ?

Tricky age, 17. They’re trying to find their way in the world; no longer a little child but not really a fully fledged adult either. Most teenagers act up and try out stupid stuff - It has absolutely no bearing on your ability as a parent. Have a chat with him about it just to check where his head is at and if you feel that consequences are in order, then may be install some of those as boundaries.

I think going to the police station is a bit much and quite honestly, a huge waste of their time and yours.

You didn’t mention any other family members so I’m not sure if he has siblings and if you are a single parent… parenting is bloody tough but so is Adulting and sometimes peer pressure can be really huge. I remember stealing stuff from Woolies when I was little and I went on to be a fully formed, useful, law abiding member of society so hopefully a little chat will sort it all out- perhaps there is something worrying him that you’re unaware of…

Look it’s not your fault in the sense that if your kid falls in with the wrong crowd, they’re going to do bad things.

I think the most important thing is to show him how disappointed you are in his behaviour. He’s 17, not 12. Shoplifting is not some victimless crime, it’s not a “Robin Hood” active where you’re stealing from the rich to give to the poor, etc. it’s extremely selfish behaviour. We all pay for it, and it can tip small businesses over the edge.

The people writing it off as “daft “ or “silly” are far, far worse parents than you are.

Of course you ground him! If you don't he's going to think he can keep getting away with it.

It's not your fault. He's with the very bad crowd... He's looking for a thrill, send him to a military school.

I know a school principal who used to take problematic youths to prisons and drug rehab centres to give them a glimpse into tragic and wasted lives.

Don’t worry too much. At 16 I was caught nicking make up in Boots and received a police caution. My parents were distraught but it gave me the fright of my life and I’ve never done it again. That was over 40 years back.

A word of warning though… as I was under 17 and it was a minor crime, my caution was destroyed on my 17th bday as I’d not been in trouble again. Police are aware kids do stupid things and it should not destroy their whole future. As your son is now 17, he is no longer a juvenile and it will be looked on more seriously. However as my offence was a long time ago things maybe different now and if it has I’m prepared to be corrected.

Not sure what you should do, but I went through a phase of the same in my teens with a crowd of my friends - I think it was just the thrill of getting away with it.
We even nicked our GCE revision books !
I ended up a law abiding citizen and Headteacher (!)
I'm now in my mid 70 ‘s and I think I’d have been horrified if one of my own kids had done the same .
i think warn him that he’s had his chance - but if he does it again …….
And keep your fingers crossed that it was just a phase ……
and it is categorically NOT your fault x

Ps I don’t agree with the ‘send him to the army’ brigade. The Army etc is tough, but it’s not a prison and recruits must want to be there.

Just a practical anecdote on the consequences side. My husband was about to hire a smashing lad to work for his company, but he’s had to withdraw the job offer, as he has a criminal record. It’s essential for this job that he goes abroad to a sister company to train, and the country in question won’t issue visas to people with criminal records. So for a moment of madness (driving offences), this lad has lost a brilliant career opportunity, a company vehicle and perks, and the chance to travel around the UK and abroad. Might be worth raising such a scenario with your son.

Please do not take him to the police station, they will caution him, then he will have a criminal record. It is very difficult, but regardless who he was with, he wasn't forced to steal. You do need to punish him, he needs to know you will not tolerate this behaviour. Let him know, when he is 18yrs old, he is an adult in the eyes of the law and, he will be homeless if he as much steps out if line....he's gone.

Yep.

all those that are saying the police won’t care. People do get caught and charged. Research once showed companies would rather employ a murderer than a thief. People don’t trust thieves, and no employer will want him. Not great.

My son did similar. I think let him learn by (when you are all a bit calmer) talking through why he did it. Then discuss the ramifications of a criminal record.
My son did a bit of shop lifting but when I pointed out if he was caught he would lose his Saturday job (no one wants to employ a thief to handle money) then he came to his senses and stopped thankfully.

As long as he learns from this then no harm done.

It seems so easy to shoplift in this day and age with self scan tills so most teens will try it at some point. He got caught. Hopefully he won't do it again

Definitely this, refused jobs so diverse as working with children to being refused security in technology jobs.
Ground him and devices taken away once homework is done.

Oh I can sympathise, I’d hate to go through this with one of mine. Although my son’s only 12.

just wanted to say, don’t kick yourself for this! I had the most wonderful parents, the most wonderful upbringing, but when I was 13 my poor parents got a call to collect me from a police station after I was caught stealing a bracelet from Claire’s accessories!

I never did it again! But I felt so guilty seeing my mum cry over this. i went on to graduate uni with a nursing degree, married with 3 lovely children. (Lovely at the moment!).

what I’m saying is, it’s not a reflection of how he will turn out to be. The fact you care enough to write about this on MUMSNET shows your a loving, caring person. And he will be fine in the future! So do not worry too much.

punish him, make him feel guilty. But DONT punish yourself!

I think we all do silly impulsive s when we are young. It is worth noting that the decision making part of the brain doesn't develop fully until we're 25.
Yes ground him /take away privileges but the "harder in " you go the more he will rebel ...too soft and he won't get the message and too harsh and he will rebel harder.
We cant control our kids actions but we can let them know that it was incredibly stupid , give them a kick up the arse (tough love , sorry you gentle parent's it doesn't work when the kids 17 & nearly an adult ) when needed , treat them like a kid if they are acting like one and ask them wtf they were thinking.

@Cathn0 I would make him do some volunteering, if he'd have been convicted he might have had to do community service so I'd enforce my own. Maybe he needs to see what poverty really looks like, spend some time with people who steal because it's the only way they'll eat rather than thinking it's a laugh. Might just learn some humility.

It's not going to make you feel better but at least it's shoplifting, you have brought him up as best as you can, when they are that age you can't stop them doing silly things. Just have a chat and discuss how if he gets a criminal record it can affect job choices ect.

Yes. Just daft. Young people do stupid things. He will be scared of the consequences and won't do it again.