To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Exactly.

I got caught shoplifting as a teen. It was the most mortifying thing and it was very transformational- I don’t regret it happening. I was so shaken up it got me out of a “bad” crowd, and I think my “good” friends appreciate someone in the group being very firm that they weren’t doing it again, it reduced peer pressure.

as to why? I didn’t think for a second I’d be caught. That’s why most of us break the law, right? I gave no thought to the shop, the morals of it- don’t forget he’s still young, that kind of stuff doesn’t really resonate- it was just easy. I would urge you not to overthink that part of it too much.

for me, I was grounded for a very long time- best part of 4,6 months I think. I was so shocked and upset I was glad of the break to be honest. I slept a lot. I was so embarrassed I didn’t speak to my parents for weeks- they didn’t want to speak to me either, after the heart to heart.

you’ll all move on from this, promise.

If you really want to punish him - Lock him in a room with your mum and no wifi or phone for a few hours.

He absolutely needs to read about criminal records and how that will impact his ability to take certain jobs / be trusted in various environments and also impact his potential earnings and long term future.

It could be worse op, my 10 year old step daughter has been caught shoplifting 3 times in the past 6 months 😫

Anyway I'd give him a bollocking and make sure he understands the seriousness and how a criminal record could affect him.

Where does he want to travel to? Quite sure some places may be tricky with a criminal record.
I would start with that, then carry on with how will he pay for the holiday - getting a job? Lets look at how many people are applying for each job etc Now out of those how many will have a criminal record?

Get him to google eg how to survive life with a criminal record
Quite a few websites eg https://unlock.org.uk/ with info

He's a minor - they have to either contact a parent / guardian or let the police deal with it and they will contact parents/guardian.

OP, I don't think he's been daft - he's been a criminal. Odd how everyone rants about the cost of shoplifting, but he's just daft. So at what age do we stop calling it daft and move it to being theft. It isn't a victimless crime and it costs us all.

That said I get why you are angry, but it probably isn't going to make any difference now. I also liked the idea of simply showing him what a criminal record will do to his future. And having done that I would tell him straight that the next phone call you get, you won't be coming to get him and the police can have him.If that doesn't dissuade him from thieving than nothing you do will, and he must sink or swim for himself. Sometimes people only learn through experience.

I think a hell of a lot of teenagers will shoplift, even well behaved ones.
I was such a good child, so well behaved and I stole a tamagotchi from asda and got caught. It was the third time I did it.

Not my finest moment but when you're young you do all kinds of things. I thought I was cool and told people in my class who were all like aw get me too so I did.

I never did it again after getting caught.

i find many of the replies lenient and rather strange.
Mine would have to endure a long long lecture. The friendship group paired back and even them lectured if I laid eyes on them.
Everyone suffers from the higher costs of shoplifting.
You OP are strong and indeed it’s an overall parenting issue. Lack of morals and values.

Hopefully this is one of those stupid teenage mistakes that he’ll learn from. I wonder if he got caught up with his friends doing it and thought “well if they’re doing it I will too”. But definitely a need here for consequences and a firm talk. I’d be asking things like does he know how lucky he is to have what he has? How would he feel if someone came and stole from him?

Though I never did anything as stupid as a teen, one of the times I messed up was when I went and got stupid drunk at a friends party on my mums birthday, came home, said stupid drunken things, threw up lots and ruined her big birthday plans. We laugh now because it seems like nothing and my parents admit that they were aware of my peers doing much more outrageous things, but at the time given I was such a good kid it was received as though I’d killed someone by my parents. I initially shrugged it off at the time but what made me think more deeply about it was seeing my mum visibly upset, over hearing her talking to my dad about how disappointed she was that I’d done this on her birthday and not spared a thought for her, and how she had brought me up to have more respect for other people’s feelings. That was worse than any telling off, I felt genuinely ashamed that the woman who’d tried so hard to raise me right felt upset at herself for my pathetic judgement.

Just made me wonder if you could channel some of that. Let him know how upset you are, don’t hide any crying or difficult conversations with your mum, he needs to know how much this has shocked and upset you, not least because of how you think it reflects on you.

I think getting him to research the consequences of having a record is a very good idea.

You want to insert a chink of doubt in to his cocky self confidence that it was nothing, focusing on how weak it is to be easily led by others. Tell him how disappointed you are in him.

I’d also be getting him to look at the effect on prices of retailers having to accommodate shop-lifting and apologising to the shop manager if appropriate. However embarrassing for him.

Op why is he playing on his x-box now? He has to earn that back for a start. If he complains about you taking it away; just reply that it isn’t nice having things taken is it?

I very much agree with others that at seventeen you shouldn’t be involved in this sort of hands on parenting , but op’s son just behaved like a fourteen year old, and you are still funding him, so punishments apply according to that age and until he demonstrates that he can behave maturely, learn right from wrong and not behave like a sheep.

Tell your mum very directly and calmly that you feel bad enough as it is without her criticism and you could do with some parental solidarity right now. If she is not able to offer that, could she kindly bow out?

You sound like a great mum op! Your instincts are right about this. Be confident in yourself and your parenting decisions and have the courage of your convictions and follow through.

If your ds protests just say “I love you too much to let you get away with this without learning from it” .

The ship has sailed on punishment and consequences now. He's 17 so mere months from being a legal adult. If he hasnt learnt right from wrong by now it's too late for a punishment from mummy to make him realise.

Just tell him if he does jt again you wont collect him and the police can.

To be honest i think it’s a bit silly to threaten presentations about criminal records and arrest. We all know that he won’t get any police involvement for this incident and there is only a thread of a connection, which is that you think he’ll now become a career criminal.

but also it’s like- should you only worry about doing something illegal because: police? Is that really what we want our children to be worried about? I’d be hoping for something a bit more emotionally mature at that age.

Take his Xbox for 2 weeks. If he’s stupid enough to shoplift, then he can be treated like a child and lose his privileges.

It’s his attitude that would annoy me more. If he was genuinely apologetic or embarrassed, I might be more inclined to be lenient.

Oh ffs. He's 17 not 7.

It's bit late for take his phone and Xbox for a week to learn consequences.

At 17 it's very odd. My son did this when he was 12 (sweets) and was crying like a baby when I came to pick him up. The owner of the shop had given him a donut and a fizzy drink while waiting for me because he felt so sorry for him. Apparantly he hadn't even tried to hide it, he had just grabbed some sweets and walking out holding them infront of him😅. He's Asd and very naïve and went with friends who all got away because they had hidden the sweets obviously 🙄. Anyway, He's 15 and he's never done it again. He is so embarrassed that he has never been back to that shop again.

Somehow I don't think your ds did this for the first time at 17. Go through his room to see if there are things there he might have stolen. I think pp had a good suggestion on him reading up on statistics for first time offenders and their future.

Tell your mum that you're a good parent and a bloody nice daughter putting up with her antics. Show her where the door is if she keeps putting you down.

I presume they involved her because he is still a child at 17, even though he really should know better at that age.

I'd be more concerned over him thinking it is no big deal than the shop lifting itself.

Shoplifting is not daft teenage behaviour. It's theft. It's what junkies do to feed their habit.

He needs to understand what a criminal record would do to his future and have some sort of remorse for his actions.

At 17 he is probably too old to ground, but I'd certainly make him pay back to the community. e.g. if the thing he stole was worth £40, then he should spent say 4 hours doing some sort of community service, like a shift in the food bank, or at a refugee centre or similar.

Does he have a job?

I’d go down the ‘disappointment’ line rather than anger. Just quiet disappointment. No one likes that.

I wouldn’t inflict any form of punishments. I would say, if you do this again you may end up with a criminal record. I would highlight they are responsible for the choices in their life now and leave it at that.

You can’t make people make good choices, they’ll only hide bad ones better regardless of what punishments are. If they are set on making them

Please don't beat yourself up about it. Your mum is very wrong & you have nothing to feel guilty about. Shoplifters come from all types of backgrounds. Sounds like him & his mates were just egging each other on. Most of my dd's (16) friends steal. Her best friend recently got caught stealing a £30 top & is now banned from the whole shopping centre. She's from a loving, stable background.

I once stole some chocolate from a shop, was caught, they rang my mum to come & collect me. But the difference with me was that the look of disappointment my mum gave me was enough to make me feel so ashamed I never stole anything ever again. It's a shame that your ds isn't at all sorry or ashamed

Yup - all of this. While it’s true that it’s “daft teenage behaviour” in one sense, it could seriously damage his immediate adult life. As an employer, I wouldn’t want someone who did something that stupid a dishonest at an age where they are actually basically an adult.

also - hate to say it - but unlikely this is the first time. Does he have anything else that you wouldn’t have thought he has the money to buy?

My thought too, he seems to be totally blasé and unapologetic.

As I said, he’s behaved like an idiot, so treat him like one.

I'd change the wifi password so no Xbox for a start.

When is he 18? I would be telling him if he ends up with a criminal record, you want let him live under your roof.