To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Stopgo quoted my post in which I said I didn't understand the number of posters saying that all OP's son had done was have a " daft" moment. I assumed her post saying the theft didn't " count" because it was less than £1000 was her explanation of why she didn't see the theft as having any meaning.
Are you saying you think her post meant something different? If so then please explain.

Presumably it was in response to your post about consequences and implications.

of which, realistically, there are none.

Well of course there are consequences.

If OP's son really has no sense of right and wrong then his stealing and law breaking won't stop at stealing cheap gadgets from shops. It will escalate into stealing more and more valuable items and perhaps be an entry into other forms of crime. Especially if he has done this because of the influence of the friends he is mixing with. Because in that case he is easily led. And could end up doing goodness knows what to fit in with his crowd.
And the theft is part of the epidemic of shoplifting that is blighting the lives of retail workers. Shoplifting can cause small businesses to be no longer viable and to fold. And also contributes to price rises.

The fact that you try to justify it by saying 'not even a pair of air pods' says it all...

Like your son, briefly hung out in a, 'bad crowd,' and although it wasn't shoplifting, we were taking the price tags off and replacing with other price tags (very very long time ago!).

My other friends ran off, but security asked me to stay back and I did. My dad was called and he came to pick me up.

The punishment - he said absolutely nothing

Occasionally there were little passive/aggressive comments like if we were shopping and he said, 'oh you may want to just steal it...' but no talks, no lectures about letting the side down, or comments that I was led into it by the others.

Right, quick update after sitting him down for a proper talk (well, me ranting and him grunting tbh).

Couple of people asked so just to clear things up:

• His dad passed away 5 years ago, sudden heart attack, so it’s just me and the kids now. I do sometimes wonder if DS acts out because he didn’t get those later teenage years with his dad around.
• He does not have a job yet, though I’ve been pushing him to at least get a Saturday thing at the Co-op or wherever. He just says he wants to “concentrate on football” 🙄.
• College wise, he’s starting at the local one this week doing a catering course (which is why it’s extra annoying he won’t even cook a bloody pasta bake at home).
• He turns 18 in December so not long till he’s officially an adult. That thought terrifies me.
• And yes, it’s my house that my mum is living in. She had a fall last year and moved in “for a bit” and has basically never left. Don’t get me wrong, I love her, but she’s not making this any easier.

Anyway, the talk. He admitted it was stupid but kept saying it was just a laugh and they all did it. I told him straight he could’ve ruined his future over a cheap pair of earbuds. I’ve taken the Xbox lead for now and told him no nights out this week. He’s sulking but he didn’t argue too much which I’m taking as a small win.

I’m still raging inside but I’ve tried to be calm on the outside, because shouting just makes him switch off. I’ve told him if it happens again I’ll happily let the police deal with him. That seemed to shut him up for once.

I feel wrung out but also a tiny bit lighter for getting it off my chest on here. Thanks again for all the replies, they’ve really helped me keep some perspective.

I would go nuclear and punish him severely. But then I don't think stealing is just a daft moment. And his attitude to it is even worse!

No, you’re suggesting OPs sons will do something in the future that may have consequences. That does not make consequences today.

Good update OP!

you do know restaurant kitchens are a cesspit of criminals thought don’t you 😭

The direct and immediate consequence of what OP's son did in this shop lifting incident should be a punishment and a few lessons in basic morality regarding stealing from.OP.

So again, what are the immediate consequences of what the OPs son has done?

I’d rip mine a new arsehole if they did anything like this so I understand how you must feel! However. Teenagers often do ridiculous things. Their brains still aren’t fully developed. He clearly did wrong but the nonsense on here about “gateway crimes” is ridiculous.

I’d also tell your mum she can wind her neck in and either say something helpful or shut up. And preferably move out. I didn’t do anything like this as a teen but my own mother definitely has the rose tinted spectacles about her own parenting which certainly don’t match my experience of being parented by her!

In terms of your son I’d definitely withdraw some sort of privilege from him and he’d be getting the frosty treatment for a while. But whilst it’s easier said than done (as I said I’d be raging) try and develop a sense of perspective. He’s not hurt anyone or been involved in drug dealing or similar. It’s the lower end of criminality and the shop didn’t even contact the police, so don’t know why you’d even consider doing it.

My dc stole age 8/9ish 1st time I told him off made him take the chocolate back. He did it again i was fuming , embarrassed, I took them to the police station . The police showed him what the cells look like even closed the doors with my permission, showed him the interview room. Scared him not to do it again . Dc now an adult and always says they remembers that and it's deterred them from stealing since.

This is exactly what I'd do to. Push the criminal record thing. Ask him if he wants to limit the choices he makes in life? Because a criminal record may well do that.

Sorry are you having difficulty reading my that post you quoted?

Or don't you think that a punishment meted out by his mother - grounding, confiscating his phone or whatever - is a consequence of his actions? It clearly would be because he would not have been given a punishment if he hadn't been caught stealing.

I've said further up, there's a few, but @Bambamhoohoo thinks she knows better so you can believe what you like.

Absolutely, chefs like Jamie Oliver are such bloody criminals! His recipes are criminal more like...

I think you’re handling it pretty well op.
hopefully he’s learnt his lesson.
this week I’d try and be calm but make it very clear how disappointed you are in him.

maybe at the weekend give him his Xbox cable back after a calm chat

My DS shoplifted when he was slightly older, he was 18.

I was mortified, embarrassed, angry, ashamed. I found out from the staff member who caught him. She told me she had caught him and made it clear to him that he was no longer welcome in the shop, but wasn't taking it any further. She knew him anyway, he was friends with her son for a while, she said DS was a nice lad, but so easily lead, so she didn't want him to get a police record.

I didn't read the riot act to him.

I said I was disappointed, and stressed that he was bloody lucky she didn't involve the police but he was 18 and an adult and if this was how he chose to live his life, then it's his life he is cocking-up, not mine. It's not me that will get refused entry to USA with a criminal record (he wanted to visit family over there).

I do think that for most teenagers it's a rite of passage, but they grow out of it. So don't despair - but do calmly stress the downsides to getting a criminal record, that's can be more effective than getting cross and shouty, as tempting as it may be.

I don't think it is a rite of passage for most teens.

@Cathn0 as PP have said did you speak to him about the implications of a criminal record on his travel and employment plans?

No I most definitely am not. What I am saying is police will take no action or even attend such ‘minor crime’. Lack of funding and man power may be cited

It’s not daft behaviour, it’s criminal. Sorry. Shops work on extremely small margins and it’s their livelihood. Imagine if someone just decided they were just going to pinch a small percentage of your salary. You wouldn’t be laughing then.

In the area where I live there is currently an ongoing Retail Crime project. It's the police working with the retailers and they have been targeting shop lifting. And they are making sure the resulting prosecutions are being publicised in the local press.
This is in Scotland btw.

Don't be too hard on yourself. You sound like a good woman and a great mum. He's just being a fool. I did all sorts of stupid things when I was his age. Peer pressure is overwhelming. My brother was caught stealing in his teens, yet he's now the politest, most responsible person you could ever meet. It's just a silly phase. He clearly comes from a good background and has been taught how to behave. That will never leave him. Even kids who go completely off the rails (I'm sure yours won't) and end in prison usually find their way back so long as they've got that love and support. I knew a boy from a good family who ended up as a drug dealer, was on the run for a year, then ended up in prison for two years. He's now married (to his probation officer!) with a child and a good job and is a happy, normal member of society. He's found his way back to the normality in which he was raised, you see. It's the kids who've never had that who really struggle.