To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

The police were actually called when my DSis shoplifted as a teen. She's incredibly successful in her field and has a phD these days.

I’d be more inclined to sit him down and explain the consequences of having a criminal record if he does again. Could you chat to him about his friends, not accusatory or angry chat, just say you’re concerned about the path he’s going down. Usually if you go down the route of how disappointed and sad you are with what they’ve done, this can have more of an impact than going in all guns blazing.

Have you got a 17 year old DS? The OP has punished him. Going nuclear on a kid this age doesn't often work.

I have a 21- year- old DS. I disagree entirely with you.

OP updated on her actions after my post.

Your son wouldn't be able to travel to a lot of countries if he has a criminal record so maybe getting him to check up on that could change his attitude. It would also exclude him from a lot of careers.

I think it's a silly phase a lot of teens go through. I did it with my mates when we were 14. We got caught. I never did it again.

My brother also did it at about the same age. Got caught and taken to the police station. My mum collected him and she was distraught. I remembered thinking at the time: it's hardly the crime of the century. My brother is now a barrister and no longer shoplifts, as far as I'm aware!

I wouldn't worry too much about it.

Don’t beat yourself up, one of mine was caught avoiding paying her fare on trains, then shoplifting, I could have died ,..she’s now a mum of three, married to a funeral director and teaches …. So Relax x

If I was you I’d take him to police station yourself. Scare the bejesus out of him. Try not to blame yourself - peer pressure is real.. but nip it in the bud with a good scare from the police.

In addition to what Motomum23 advised I would make him write a letter of apology to the shop.

I would be livid too OP. I suggest (though I don't know I would have done this myself in the moment!) that you take the emotion out of your response because it makes it easier for him to brush off what you say.
Yes, some form of punishment/sanction.
Make it clear that if this happens again he's on his own.
Yes, highlight the potential impact on his life of a criminal conviction, however minor, for something that is "just a laugh"
Then leave it at that for him to think though himself. His apparent blase attitude may be just masking.

My DB left home at 17 rather than face my DF after he shoplifted a pair of gloves and the police went to the house. He slept rough for a few nights, then sofa surfed for a few months, and never went home again. He's now very happily married, is a great father to his two teenage boys and has had a long and successful career. He is very embarrassed himself when he recalls this time in his life! Don't worry OP, your good parenting will out and your DS will be fine when he's finished growing up x

You disagree entirely with me based on 2 lines I wrote? 🤣 wow you must be psychic then. I also have a DD21 and DS17, if we're playing that game 🤷‍♀️

What game? You asked me if I have a DS. I answered.
I disagree that going nuclear doesn't work on teens. I have two. We can agree to disagree.

just sounds like you know nothing about teenagers - of course they're not going to admit to feeling anything but if you know them then of course that's what they'll be feeling and not knowing how to handle it - obv the way to handle it is not to do it again

just sounds like you know nothing about teenagers
You know nothing about me.
I am a mother . Admittedly my son is no longer a teenager. He is an adult.

Certainly a lot of behaviour of children, teenagers and young adults that I read about on MN bears no resemblance to the experience I've had during the various stages of my son's life, either from him or from his pals and his peers. I've always assumed that's because the threads on MN are started because OPs have problems with their children that the vast majority of people don't have to deal with.

So no, my experience of teenagers doesnt include them not admitting to feeling things and laughing when they have been caught stealing. And I think it's sad that you think that this is normal behaviour for all teenagers. It certainly hasn't been my experience.

All this. Mine are grown too.
I would be absolutely furious if my son laughed when caught.

This-totally!!
It's unbelievable how quite a few people on here are dismissing shoplifting as a rite of passage/bit of a lark. Shoplifting is theft. We should all call it what it is..and it is not victimless crime. Stealing should never be shrugged off. No wonder we have an epidemic of it right now.

A month without his phone or xbox would sound about right to me.

As if. Your little darlings will have not told you everything they got up to. I went to a nice school , most of the kids got upto something thier parents would disagree with. At some point. Of course they didn't tell their parents and their parents don't know today what they got upto!, very niave. Most are normal boring adults today. Kids can and will and are allowed to make mistakes.

If there are no consequences for his actions, how will he (to quote your own words "that I need to let him learn from") actually learn?? YOU have no reason to feel any shame, HE does!! Take away his Xbox and tell him if it happens again, you're going to get rid of it! The reason car theft is as bad as it is, is because a million mums decided it was just a daft phase that they would get over!! The X box removal is just an idea. its paramount that you only put in place future consequences that you know you can follow through with. All the best

You have your experience . I have my experience.
Why the need for the sneering " your little darlings" ?
Of course "kids" make mistakes but they don't learn from them if the mistakes aren't addressed by the adults in their lives. And when the mistake is serious- as in the case of stealing- then there should be some punitive element.

This, yes - sorry if I am repeating the other replies - there is so much social media stuff / videos being posted about / showing shoplifters just getting away with it - packing shopping bags with booze etc & just walking out of the shop - it's not right, (+ the peer pressure etc probably for the same reasons) but I agree its not 'just a daft moment' - that he must be made to realise how wrong his actions were & how much this could affect his entire future, as in future work / travel, good friends etc. Not to mention the 'slippery slope'..... (I think in the 'olden days' - not that long ago though - you could ask the police to chuck him in a cell for a few hours to make it hit home, without him knowing that they won't take it any further - not sure whether that's possible these days, maybe worth asking??). You are NOT a bad Mum, as you are raging & so upset about this, so you obviously want the best for him, and didn't expect this type of behaviour.
(Your Mum needs to butt out though - she isn't really being helpful at all).

But he did choose to do it, so there should be immediate consequences. Maybe remove Xbox / phone, change Wifi password etc??

BTW - at the age of about 10, I was 'pressured' by a 'friend' into stealing a 1 penny 'Black Jack' sweet from a shop - anyone remember them?? - I was too scared to say no to said 'friend' - but so wish I had just said 'no' - I went back the next day & gave the shopkeeper a penny, then ran out, saying nothing - never went back there,(favourite sweet shop, sigh) & remember it to this day, the fear, the shame. Never, ever tempted to steal ever again. (And I chose to associate with better friends). Good luck x

Totally agree with this. A friends son can not travel to the USA or Australia because he went on a shop lifting spree with his mates when he was younger. Whilst he was at uni, as part of his course, he could have gone to the USA for a semester. He applied and was denied entry. He is still so pissed off with himself ten years on.

It interesting to read this thread after reading the thread where Tesco accidentally credited the OP of that thread £300 - so many of the posters are telling the OP to keep the money and that they don’t care as Tesco is a big company etc.

The difference being one is an ACCIDENT and the error was made by the large corporation, I doubt the poster on that other thread would now decide to continue to try and steal money from Tesco. The other is deliberate theft by an individual that has the potential to be the first small step on a path of criminal activity so he needs to be reprimanded.
The two things aren’t comparable.

I would just explain like one of the comments say that if he was caught again and the police go ahead and it goes to court he could get a criminal record and can affect his future. Jobs, travelling etc