To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

I wonder if a visit to a Magistrate's court might be worthwhile. Sit in the public gallery and see the sort of scumbags who make up most of the cases - even if the dock isn't visible, they'll be smoking outside and he'll get a good look, enough to wonder if that's the sort of person he wants to become.

When I was 15 I was with friends that stole
some perfume. I didn’t know they were stealing and I was completely shocked when the security guard stopped us. I was searched and put into a cell for a significant amount of time, had fingerprints taken and remember being very cold in the cell. I was let go with a caution even though the police officer told my Mum and Dad that I hadn’t stolen a thing and they had checked CCTV. My Dad pushed me in the police station because he was so embarrassed at what was happening - I reiterate I stole nothing and knew nothing and had been treated very poorly by the police at this point. Your son is very lucky that this isn’t going to be a criminal conviction and I think it warrants being grounded for a long time and privileges removed. He wouldn’t even be able to secure a job with a conviction for stealing for goodness sake!

I’m bitter about how I was treated by everyone that day it if you can’t tell. Maybe the security guard would have been better off calling the police so he realised the gravity of his actions.

@Cathn0 My DS did this. He was 14. A £2.50 pair of glasses from Primark. Usual story, in a group, they were messing about and all did it for a laugh. Not ok.

A PSCO came round to the house and gave him a 1 hour lecture. He was banned, by me, from going into the town centre for the foreseeable. I think it was 6 months before he asked to go again. He also had to write a letter of apology to the store manager and he wasn’t allowed anywhere other than school for a week. My DS was 14 though so far easier to implement the consequences.

Kids can be stupid, do stupid things and make stupid mistakes. The point is, to educate them from making the same mistake again where the consequences will be a criminal record etc

Don’t get too hard on yourself.

Mumsnet is mental! A 4 year old biting at nursery and everyone is up in arms. A boy about-to—become a man stealing and everyone thinks it’s a right of passage!

Of course they would care! They might not prosecute but they would caution him which I believe still stays on your record (could be wrong) I can’t quite believe what I’m reading. He’s 17 not 7! Totally agree with you.

He knows right from wrong, as many other posters have said it's a teenage , independence, rebellion thing that is more stupid than criminal. Overreacting will push him further towards his so called friends. Punish your own kids with knee jerk reactions but don't tell OP it's the worst thing in the world because it isn't. Not punishing him further (he's already had the shock and the shame) is not bad parenting, it's thoughtful. It does not mean OP is in any way condoning the offence either.

I was arrested at 15 for shoplifting with some friends in boots. The police came and drove us home. My mum was livid, I was so upset aswell when she started explaining all the things that could happen from being caught shoplifting. She asked why I did it and that I should have asked her for money - but I remember saying to her that i didnt need or even use any of the things i was stealing we were just doing it for the sake of it. She grounded me for a month and took my phone away for some of the month and that was the end of that.

There are the periodic threads about delinquent toddlers chasing ducks or picking flowers. Apparently rogue toddlers are future Reggie Krays.

But teens shoplifting is a rite of passage.

@Cathn0 So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

You need to come down hard. This is absolutely disgusting scumbag behaviour, and he needs to learn that he must never steal again.

I am absolutely shocked that people on the thread are calling this a "daft moment." How often do you see people on mumsnet complaining about the attitudes and behaviours of boys and men... and yet, whenever a boy does something horrendous, everyone on mumsnet just shrugs and says "boys will be boys." It seems like we have a lot of enablers in this thread.

@Holluschickie But teens shoplifting is a rite of passage.

I'm a normal person, so I've never shoplifted and I don't know anyone who has.

I’d definitely be grounding him, taking his phone for at least a fortnight and reading him the riot act. Keep him away from that crowd if you can, and if he’ll go along make him return and apologise to the shop manager.

You've handled it well. If he does this as an adult then the police may be called and then he could have a criminal record. Unfortunately teenage brains are not fully developed and they dont understand the consequences for them.

I haven’t read all the comments. It must be awful as a parent to have your child do something like that, but it does sound like he’s done something stupid and hopefully your talk, punishments and threat to let the police deal with it next time will do the trick.

I was a model student but was a bit wild in my free time, I used to shoplift for fun and thrills - I never got caught but when someone else got caught in front of me, I had the moment of fear and never did it again. Hopefully this will be that moment for him and steer him away from anything more. Teenagers/young adult do stupid things, I cringe at what I got up to and was so lucky I was never caught. I am a in a very respectable profession now where you cannot have a criminal record, so was extremely lucky. My mum was a wonderful mum and did her best, as I’m sure you are too.
And tell your mum not to be so rude and should either offer support or say nothing at all. There’s no need for her to stick her oar in if she isn’t going to be helpful.

He’s 17. End of. No need to be embarrassed or ashamed. Like he said everyone else was doing it. Chat to him about things he should and shouldn’t do and right and wrong. We don’t know him or his upbringing but you do and you will know if this will lead to anything worse. Most kids nick things at this age for a laugh with their mates. Mostly it means nothing. I’d be more worried about the content on their phones these days.

Yes. It’s quite a common thing teenagers do, part of the rebellious, pushing the boundaries, showing off in front of pals stuff. No malice in it.

My brother got caught shoplifting cakes and balloons from ASDA at about 15. My parents came down on him like a ton of bricks, but privately they laughed about how daft he was, and it soon blew over. He is 35 now and an upstanding citizen, so I think you can file this under 'stupid stuff kids do' and not panic unless it is repeated or the behaviour escalates.

I use the future approach. I'm a brutal parent and have already started explaining to DS12 the effects of certain acts, both criminal & lifestyle.

My clear message has been HE will pay the consequences & they will hang around much longer than the so called friends & put the stopper on a lot of dreams & travel.

I was inspired to do it now, after being shocked when DS told me a couple of (not so great, obviously) friends are already vaping, drinking & have girlfriends. We're trying to detach DS & push him towards better friends, but he's SEN so it's hard to make them, and ultimately he will still have to make his own decisions.

Not punishing him further (he's already had the shock and the shame) is not bad parenting, it's thoughtful.

What shock and shame? Op says he thought it was a laugh. She says he came home and was sitting in his room playing games as though nothing had happened.
So it doesn't sound as though he thought he had done anything wrong. And he certainly wasn't ashamed.

Even when OP had her serious talk with him he didn't apparently think it was a big deal.

I think OP handled things well with the talk she gave him and with the punishment she meted out. There was nothing knee jerk about what she did and she tried to impress on him the seriousness of his behaviour.

I fail to understand your position that stealing is just " teenage rebellion" and should be treated as no big deal. What he did was stealing and stealing is morally and criminally wrong.

This was me when I was a teenager. Although I wasn’t caught. All my friends were stealing fancy pens from a stationery shop and I joined in. Unfortunately this happens and kids are weak minded like I was.

At his age consequences could stay with him for the rest of his life. Maybe give him a life lesson- what jobs he can’t do in future if he’s caught etc…

Can you get your mum out? She doesn’t sound supportive? I can imagine anything worse!

if she continues about the parenting then tell her that you didn’t have a good role model.

This.

This- also adding in that a future girlfriend/boyfriend won’t want someone who can’t go on a foreign holiday because of a criminal record. (That’s how a friend of mine got her daughter to pack in a bad boy boyfriend).

He knew he did wrong, when he said he did it ''for a laugh'', so how can you be a bad mother?

Don't beat yourself up. You can't make yourself responsible for what your teenage children do, and in your case, your son knew he was doing wrong.

Just my opinion… but I would sit him down and remind him that if that security guard had called the police he would now have a record… a record ruins his chance in some careers and also restricts travel to some countries….. so the ‘we were just messing’ attitude could really mess up so many opportunities out there for him!
If you pay for his phone contract I’d be telling him that any future idiocy and you’ll be cancelling payments!!

He doesn’t work? How does he afford nights out ? Please don’t tell me you pay for him to go out and pay his phone bill etc? How the hell is he planning to travel with no wage coming in?
he sounds like he lives in cloud cuckoo land