To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

I have no advice at all but I wanted to say I sympathise with your feelings. If it’s any comfort that does sound like it could be a silly growing up experiment which hopefully won’t happen again.

Daft moment and the police won't care.

You don't need to be embarrassed or ashamed. We can't control everything our children do. I know you'll probably get lots of "march him down to the police station and ground him forever" replies but I'd be inclined to let him learn from it himself. It's the best way to learn at that age.
The security guard hasn't involved the police so there's no need for you to do that.
At 17 I think any punitive action you take will be counter productive and force him away from you and further into the rougher crowd. He will see you as controlling and that won't go down well. You can't ground a 17 year old forever.

That's just my opinion. I had issues with my son at that age with drinking and drugs experimenting and as counter intuitive as it feels, at 17 they feel like they are adults and want to be treated like that.

Which means they suffer the consequences of their actions.
So make it clear if he does it again and gets caught you will cooperate with the police, but try and guide him towards better friends and activities.

He definitely needs a punishment of some form but the police wont care, and this is classic stupid impulsive teenage behaviour. My sister did it in Body Shop back in the late 90’s, same thing security caught her and called mum, mum read her the riot act, never happened again.

Just a daft moment. Tell him how stupid he has been and just move on.

Daft? Just daft?

I think he's a bit old at 17 for anything you do to sink in now. I went shoplifting with mates when I was about 12 and we got caught. I was absolutely terrified and never did anything of the sort again.

Why would your mum think it’s your fault and how does she expect to remain living with you if she is being so rude?

Your son needs a talking to but natural consequences will apply if he gets caught again. Be clear that you won’t be paying any of the inevitable fines. Be clear that he could be a barrier to certain careers.

I would focus on making sure he has a clear plan for the future - a decent one that doesn’t involve being a thief. It doesn’t reflect on you at all. No need to over react beyond agreeing that you. Have found it embarrassing as you expect better.

Personally I'd focus your message on what a criminal record might do for any future plans he has - if he wants to go travelling Australia and the USA might deny entry, a job will pass him over for a candidate without a criminal record etc so next time he wants to do something for a laugh make sure it's legal! He's not the first teenager to act like a moron for his friends and he won't be the last.

"If you get arrested, I'm not picking you up from the police station"

Marching him to the police station would be pointless. The police won't give a shit for such low level shoplifting (they barely give a shit for people actually stealing whole weekly shops/medicines/Greggs food...) and it might just encourage him to think "eh well if the police don't care, what else can I steal?"

What a pity you cant allow him to get arrested and spend the night in jail. That would probably concentrate his mind wonderfully on the possible consequences of shoplifting.

First - a private word with your horror of a mum. Your DS must not hear a word of how it’s “all your fault”, he must get a united front from the pair of you about how disgusting his behaviour is.

Next - every privilege you can think of is removed until he presents to you a verbal presentation using U.K. research about the effect on life outcomes from having a criminal record. Loss of earnings over lifetime, average career prospects, likelihood of ending up in jail. How bad it can be with theft (which is a real roll-the-dice offence, anything from a caution to Crown Court) Get him to stand there and explain to you how close he came to fucking his life up.

Your reaction is one that many of us would have, being thrown into a situation like that...you're a mum who cares and doesn't want him to be "that" young person. You're now giving him guidance to not be easily led.

I would think the opposite. That this is his gateway to worse criminal activity, and may actually already be the tip of an iceberg.
Serious chat needed, and proper consequences. Grounded etc.

OP I had the same experience about two years ago, admittedly it was a bottle of lucozade but honestly I'm not sure if a cheaper item is worse or better. Dh was there an caught DS. I was so upset and angry. My friend who works with teens told me it was very common and not to overreact emotionally. He's not a lost cause. I think come down hard on him of course but don't lose faith in him, he is just an idiot teen right now, not a truly bad person.

You mother needs to be told to fuck off and mind her ow business (respectfully 🤣).

Thanks everyone, honestly I didn’t expect so many replies so quick. I’ve been sat here rereading them and crying a bit (again 🙄). I’m still raging but it does help to hear other people’s experiences.

I do get what a lot of you are saying about it being daft teenage behaviour. I suppose at 17 it’s less about grounding and more about him facing consequences. Trouble is he’s acting like it’s nothing, like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, and that winds me up even more.

A couple of you said don’t let my mum make me feel like it’s all my fault. You’re right. She’s been sat in the kitchen all day muttering about “bad parenting” which is making me feel about two inches tall. I did snap back at her earlier and now I feel guilty about that too. It’s like I can’t win.

DS17 is upstairs in his room now with the Xbox on, acting like nothing’s happened. I’ve told him his phone’s coming downstairs with me tonight at least. He rolled his eyes but tough.

I like the idea of making him look up what a criminal record actually does to your life. He wants to travel next year so maybe that will make him think. I don’t want him wrecking his future just to look big in front of his mates.

Still fuming but I do feel a bit less alone reading your stories. Thank you xx

At that age they shouldn't even be involving you. He did something stupid and got caught. That's embarrassing and shameful enough.

Of course you can tell him he's a mug. Cut his allowance. Turn off WiFi. Even threaten to kick him out of the house if he does it again.

But at the end of the day he won't be the first teenager to have this happen and it's unlikely the start of a lifelong career as a master criminal.

This. Explain to him how lucky he was that the security guard gave him a second chance, because if he had got a police record for thieving, this could ruin his chances of travelling abroad, could affect a company decision on whether to hire him or not, a landlord's decision on whether to accept him as a tenant and so on. Remind him how much the earbuds cost and ask if they are worth jeopardising his adult future for. If he doesn't believe you, show him online evidence of US not letting people in who have a criminal record, or companies doing police checks before hiring new staff or renting properties. Ask who he;d choose if it was a dead heat between two candidates - the honest one or the one with a record?

Stay calm but ask him thoroughly and insist on answers, so he doesn't gloss over the incident in his own mind. Ask him to put into words why he did it. Peer pressure? Sense of entitlement - the world owes him stuff he wants etc. Get him to decide, for himself, what his priorities are from now on. Explain that it's his choice and if he wants to chance his luck, next time he might end up fined or in court or worse but you really want the best opportunities to be available to him and so you hope he decides to behave responsibly from now on.

I would draw a line under it, he knows you're not happy and hopefully he won't do it again. He probably got carried away with his friends and won't become a serial shoplifter.
I remember stealing a magazine in the 80s, just for a laugh with a friend. Never did anything like it again. My now adult son also told me he shoplifted something once or twice when he was about your son's age and just did it for the buzz apparently. He is a respectable adult with a masters and good job now and wouldn't dream of it!
I do think earbuds is a bit different from a cheap thing, so I would definitely have conversations about it and warn him of the risks and how stupid it was.

His apathy could be a front. I remember being so upset when my DS stole about £1.50 from a teachers desk. I was devastated, cried, thought this was his gateway to county lines etc, all very dramatic 🙄 only made worse by his complete unbotheredness.

I did find out later once Id calmed down that he was genuinely remorseful, didnt know why he did it, him seeing me so upset also made him feel shit but he just wanted it to all go away and his stupid immature brain thought the best way to do that was to basically ignore it all.

At 17 they are seen as mature in a lot of ways, but it is still very young and young people can do very, very stupid things.

Agree with pp's try talking to him properly when youre in a better headspace for it.

And be aware you will get a lot of replies later in this thread that will be a very deliberate attempt to make you feel like the lowest of the low and that you have raised a potential future crime lord. Be prepared and please let those go over your head. An episode of shoplifting doesn't mean your son is a write off but some will try to make you feel like that.

I'm amazed at the number of posters dismissing this as just a " daft moment"
Since when was stealing just " daft"?
I wonder what they have taught their own children about right and wrong? Not a lot by the sound of it.

Absolutely he should have some form of punishment.

And also OP.should be having a good discussion with him.about right and wrong and the consequences of dishonesty. And the impact of it : shop lifting isn't a victimless crime

Could be the first time he’s been caught…

What a pity that this doesn't happen now.

It would hopefully go some way to making kids think before repeat episodes and keeping their future on the right path.

OP at 17 he really does know right from wrong and unfortunately is now one of the "rougher crowd".
My main concern would be to get him to choose his friends more wisely.

If your son's actions are due to your bad parenting, then your bad parenting is probably caused by your mum's bad parenting...