To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

It’s not too late for him to learn about the consequences of his actions, because no matter our age there are repercussions for our personal and/or professional lives. The cheek of him to be playing it off, and sitting in his room playing video games instead of making it up to you.

I would be livid, and not happy about the company he keeps. 1000% mobile & privileges taken away, and I would want that essay/presentation as suggested earlier. This alone might get him reflecting on his actions. Tell him how disappointed you are in him, and that he’s broken your trust. Speak to him like an adult. He got lucky this time, make sure he knows that.

He’s not yet 18, and if he expects to be treated respectfully and like an adult he should recriprocate. (Granted, his brain isn’t fully developed yet.) You can’t force things as people have said, but yes to “punishment” there are rules at home, just like there would be in the real world and if he were renting accommodation.

In light of everything, I would tell him he needs to get a PT/weekend job and start paying his way (to learn the value of money & help him reflect on future work prospects). This might also introduce him to a different set of responsible friends.

Best of luck OP, you sound like a fantastic mother. Re your own mother, you know it’s not true, and you don’t need her validation.

If they are not relevant, then why are they done? Of course they are relevant. And when full contact details are not supplied, the job applicant is followed up until they ARE supplied.

Is your mum living in your house or the other way round? If the former I’d be telling her she can move out if she hates my parenting so much. And that apples don’t fall far from trees and all that - you learned from the best etc. What a cow!!

Breathe. Your DS is an idiot but it hopefully gave him a shock. And you need to give some real consequences now.

I made a similar stupid mistake at that age. I’ve never admitted it to anyone but I was caught by the police, it was awful. It snapped me out of it and afterwards it’s never hindered me (other than mild panic about if I needed a DBS check and entering the US.)

A poster said "wait til you find out its legal to refuse someone a role because of a family members criminal record" or similar

Another poster asked for examples.

I gave some. And explained that even then, it depends on if the person is honest about their family member, and it depends what the crime is.

Where did I say anything was irrelevant?

@Bambamhoohoo ,

‘I agree with you on language mattering. But I’m wondering why you have found it so outrageously offensive that some posters (who are strangers) have used the word daft when you feel the word criminal is more applicable and what you think the impact on the overall situation- for another stranger- is. It feels like an unhelpful contribution tbh.’

I’m struggling to understand what you are getting at here. We are all strangers engaged in a conversation with other strangers.

Why does ‘daft’ vs ‘criminal’ matter? Because that description will make people decide what the consequence should be.

If my son did something ‘daft’ like forgetting his PE kit, I would say ‘that was daft’, accept whatever sanction the school gave and leave it there.

If my son did something criminal like shoplifting or punching someone, regardless of what consequence he got from the police or school, there would also be a serious consequence from me, making him realise the gravity of what he had done and making sure he didn’t do it again.

So ‘daft’ vs ‘criminal’ is a very important distinction to make and I feel is helpful.

If he was mine, he would be writing a fulsome letter of apology to both the manager and the security staff. Both would be hand delivered with spoken apologies.

It is useful if you are the one in control of the “punishment” yes. Pulling up posters when none of you are is harder to understand

And if youve been involved in high level security clearance you'll be aware that the vetting officer will already know what the details are 😉

there are limits, you know! cruel and unusual punishment is not allowed.

I was involved in a police vetting a year or so back, and they returned several times to ask the job applicant for more details relating to address and other contact details.

But this isn’t the same as withdrawing a job offer for a criminal record or family members criminal record? It’s hard to follow your point. Asking for more information doesn’t mean anything apart from… they want more information?

Ok cool!

Perhaps I was not clear enough. The vetting agency followed up several times to get contact information for relatives of the applicant. THey were not allowing themselves to be brushed off with "I don't have the contact details any more".

Since no police force/service will touch a left below £1k

It's a silly teenage moment the police will think you're being ott. I knicked makeup from Superdrug as a teen and my friend stole sunglasses. We had pocket money but thought we were being cool after watching edgy movies about rebellious teens and bought a pack of fans from the local corner shop and smoked them all in a day. Teen brains are still growing. It well probably sink in better if you dont lash out at him, just sit him down and say what he did wasn't right and maybe take his phone away for a bit they hate that even though it does them good

How is that relevant to the discussion?

we are talking about the legality of withdrawing a job offer due to a criminal record. What you’re saying doesn’t seem to relate to that at all.

Who's said anything about brushing off vetting officers with "not having details anymore"?

Thank you I was starting to wonder if id missed loads of posts!

17 is way too old to blame this on being a teenage daft moment. It’s not your fault though. I’d be mad with him but at 17 it’s difficult to know what you should do about it.

So are you saying you think if you steal something that's worth less than £1000 it's ok then?

So OP's son can go and pinch some old ladies handbag or some child's bike and so long as it doesn't involve anything worth a £1000 that's not wrong?

I don't know what your moral code is like in general but in mine stealing is stealing is stealing . And it is wrong.

@Bambamhoohoo,

‘It is useful if you are the one in control of the “punishment” yes. Pulling up posters when none of you are is harder to understand’

That’s kind of how this whole site works. Different people offer and discuss advice.

The OP can do what she will with it.

How does

no police force will touch theft under £1k

equate to

@StopGo says it’s ok to steal something under £1k

did you not understand what she meant?

Yes sometimes a short sharp shock is what's needed. A year or so ago I was in Sainsbury's and a teenage girl aged about 13/14 had been stopped by security for stealing make up. Have no idea if she'd done it before, but she was at the front of the store by the tills and was crying. Security had no sympathy for her and she had to phone a parent to come to the shop so that she could be interviewed by the police. She was in school uniform as it was after school and there were other children in there from different schools. Hopefully this awful experience will make her think twice before stealing again.

I do know my local Sainsbury's take shoplifting seriously. I have been in there another time when they caught a shoplifter and told them they were now banned from any Sainsbury's store

Not your fault, they make their own choices.

Ask him how he'd like it if he ever had a business and people stole from him, might make him think?