To be absolutely raging at DS17 after shoplifting today?

[Cathn0]

Hi all, first time posting and I’m honestly shaking with anger and embarrassment right now.

Just had the call no mum wants. DS17 was caught shoplifting in town with a group of his so called mates. Security stopped them and rang me to come collect him. I thought they were joking at first. He was stood there like butter wouldn’t melt and apparently he’d shoved a pair of wireless earbuds down his jacket. Not even decent AirPods 🙄

When I asked him what on earth he was thinking he just shrugged and said everyone else was doing it and it was a laugh. A laugh! I could’ve died on the spot from shame. The security guard was actually really decent with me but made it clear if it happens again the police will be called.

I feel like the worst mum ever. I work hard, I’ve tried to bring him up right and now this. I know he’s not perfect, he’s been hanging round with a rougher crowd lately, but I never thought I’d be the parent of a shoplifter. My mum is living with us as well and of course she’s giving me grief about how this is all my fault. I just want to crawl under a rock.

So… AIBU to be raging at him and ready to come down hard? Do I ground him? Take his phone? March him down to the police station myself? Or is this just one of those teenage daft moments that I need to let him learn from?

I genuinely don’t know what’s fair and what’s over the top. Any advice very welcome

Yes! This too…

He's a bit old to be so "easily led" and doing things like this for a "laugh" . I'd be pointing out that in a few short months he will be an adult and have to face consequences as one.

Tell your mother that if you are a bad parent then it's all her fault 🙄 daft cow, you have done nothing wrong

I'm not surprised at a 17 year old doing this for the first time - there is so much in the news and on social media lately about how seemingly easy it is to shoplift, no wonder more of them are trying it.

This.

Very, very few very high level security clearance type roles.

Even then, they are normally looking for honesty. If the person undergoing vetting is fully open about their family members history if asked, its likely they would be fine. It also depends what the crime is.

Examples?

Point out to your mother that if he hears her blaming you, he has less reason to take responsibility for what he's done. After all, apparently it's your fault he stole, not his.

I'd be infuriated (and worried) by his 'couldn't care less attitude. That implies to me that he's done it before and/or he'll do it again.

I wish I had some useful advice on what to do, but I'm stumped.
He really does need to feel some repercussions though. Is there anything recreational that you pay for, or anything you've said you'd get or do for him? Any expenses that he has that you cover? Because if there is, I'd start there.

Absolutely agree with every single word of this post……your mum should also be reading him the riot act and NOT having a go at you….. the cheek of her !!

I suspect that poster was mixing up “criminal record” with “my dad is the head of an organised crime gang” 😭 not that mumsnetters are prone to drama or anything. I mean he won’t be allowed to adopt or go to Australia either 😂

I can't believe some posters' responses tbh. 'Daft'?! Stealing isn't daft. It's criminal. What is the matter with some people? And he's 17, not 12. He should know better. I have a 17yo ds too and I'd also be appalled and embarrassed if he did this.

When my son was 9, he shoplifted a lolly, or chewy thing. Value about 50 cents.
The store manager rang me, and said I just want to let you know.
He said, what do you want me to do …. I told him to ring the Police.
He said, we don’t have to get the police involved.
Police came, I arrived, they asked me to bring him to the station, which I did.
They read him the riot act, gave him a “good behaviour” bond.
Frightened the life out of him. But I wanted to make sure it never happened again.

I don’t understand these posts. Why are you so offended by the word daft? What does it convey that the word criminal does for you? It’s just language. What difference does it make to the actual situation whether someone posts “it’s daft” or “it’s criminal”?

Quite a few in the defence industry that need DV level clearance that I handled the paperwork for.

There was one person who had a family member with a record that they had to declare during a DV interview, family members interviewed etc. But all fine, and this was for an extremely high level role.

Then i had one who forgot they had been given a caution about 15 years prior, for something really minor, nothing to do with the role at all, who was denied SC level because they didnt disclose it. If they had, they'd have got their SC no problem.

Im no longer subject to requiring security clearance but I still probably shouldn't really give any more info out 😬 but suffice to say, being denied a job because of a family members record would be an extremely rare occurance. Literally a hens tooth.

The police coming out to a shopkeeper because a 9year old stole a chew, let alone giving him the riot act at the station, tells us if it wasn’t 30 years ago, you might be getting mixed up with an episode of heartbeat

🤣🤣

My brother did something for the MoD. I know i was vetted - a shop lifting charge when you are 17 probably won't matter, but if you associate with known criminals, have been involved in sabotage on behalf of protesters etc that would be an issue.

What on earth are you basing that statement on? I have been involved with multiple clearances and not necessarily high level, and it IS relevant. Probably not a relative shoplifting at 17, but family criminal records and how close you are with those people is definitely relevant.

@Bambamhoohoo ,

Language is important and powerful.

Just think how much offence someone takes if you say ‘coloured’ instead of ‘of colour’ although they are literal synonyms!

Daft conveys an idea of a silly innocent mistake, not criminal intent.

Words matter!

He's on his Xbox right now! Are you kidding?

Afraid I would be coming down like a ton of bricks. His attitude about it is actually worse than the stealing.

My child would be read the riot act. No phone, no Xbox etc. I would be telling them I'm ashamed /disappointed and if he wants to be a sheep and do things because he wants to be like everyone else he won't be doing it under your roof.

His attitude shows he knows he won't get in too much trouble for it.

Tell your mum to leave and keep her comments to herself. He is responsible noone else.

Tell your mum that you learnt parenting from her! She can either shut up or be supportive of you. Your DS has not done the worst thing in the world but he's been stupid and childish. Remind him that even minor acts can affect his plans and ambitions.

Im not sure why your mum is having a go at you OP - you weren’t the one who shoplifted.

As for your son, yes, come down hard, it’s not typical teen behaviour, especially an older teen like him. I never stole as a 17 year old, none of my mates did. He needs to get a grip.

Im basing it on fact. The number of roles where a relative having a criminal record would be the sole reason for a role being withdrawn are actually very few (depending on the crime).

I agree with you on language mattering. But I’m wondering why you have found it so outrageously offensive that some posters (who are strangers) have used the word daft when you feel the word criminal is more applicable and what you think the impact on the overall situation- for another stranger- is. It feels like an unhelpful contribution tbh.

( i know it wasn’t just you who said this but that’s why im asking)

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is NOT a reflection of your parenting.

They can do the most stupid of things at this age.

And we think it's hard when they are toddlers!!

The thing you need to check with your son is whether he's being pressured by others to steal and / or has got himself stuck in debt to a loanshark type character or drug dealer so is stealing because he doesn't think he has any other option.

If it is something like that you can think through ways to help him which may be drastic like moving house but the point is he does have options other than stealing.