Private school grief

[Movingonfeelssad]

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

Obviously so many opinions on this thread... but I think one thing that's important for you to ultimately remember, OP, is that we can't ultimately predict what the future holds for our kids or even, to an extent, our financial circs as a family.

Sending our kids to a private school has worked out brilliantly for my kids, but this wasn't a given. We liked the school we chose, its ethos and what it could offer - both on with teaching and on the co-curricular front. Happily, this all worked out. But it might not have done. They could have been miserable. They could have struggled academically and their school wouldn't have been right for them. ..

While the 'plan' seems to have worked out for it being a great school for our kids, less clear was the impact it would have on our own financial stability. We knew fees would rise over time but not to the extent they have, particularly with VAT. Both mine and DH's incomes are not as healthy as we expected them to be at this stage in our careers for a whole host of reasons that we didn't foresee...

We can just about manage for the moment but I know many who had to pull their kids out because of VAT. Another family whose very big income hasn't been replaced following redundancy (and not being able to secure another position), so they had to leave the school too.

Point is, you just have to move forwards and do what you think is best and manageable for your child/your family right now. Do I regret sending my kids to private school? So far, no - it's been great. Do I worry about my dire pension pot? Yes...but there's time to make more money. I'll fret about it more as I approach retirement, if I get there! Could be hit by a bus tomorrow and all that...

We're 23 pages in and i still haven't a clue what the actual problem is for OP.

How old is this hypothetical genius who's missing out on being a future master of the universe by virtue of not being able to attend a Top 10 private school as opposed to a lesser private school or outstanding state school.

Seeing education as an end itself is very laudable, but also a luxury belief.

Poor people very rarely see it that way.

Or a mixture of state primary and private secondary.

That may, sadly, be true. If so, I would think there a whole host of cultural and socioeconomic reasons for this. But when you aren’t wealthy, taking education seriously and getting what you can out of it just seems even more like common sense than when you are privileged. Your mind is one of the few tools you have that can help alter your circumstances and offer you enjoyment, escape, ambition, clarity etc. I think the luxury is more the belief that you are capable of, and entitled to, nurture that and seek out success in whatever form is meaningful to you.

When the ultra rich believe that an elite education in and of itself means a certain kind of job/life outcome that is equally foolhardy. A lot depends on what you do with the opportunities you have.

Plenty of people mess up their lives, or are unhappy in a range of ways for a whole host of reasons, whether or not they are highly educated. Some of this is beyond our control, as life is not always predictable.

Well maybe to some degree that plays a part in the disparity of outcomes being posited? People tend to succeed with things they are genuinely passionate about, rather than things they do as a means to an end.

In any case, know people who are not rich who definitely see education as an end in itself. Highly intellectually inclined people very often do. They are drawn to it.

I know plenty of people who went to private school and flunked everything. Close friend’s father is STILL pissed off 20 years later that she ‘wasted’ his money by getting ok GCSEs and had to resit A levels despite the money he chucked at her education. Then she had the gall not to go to a top tier uni too, before choosing a career she loved over a ££££ corporate career.

So then how can it be claimed she's had any "privilege" or "advantage" due to her education? How has it given her an unfair advantage over a state school peer?

Aware I’ve posted quite a bit about my own personal experience on this thread, but there’s far too many ‘this was my friend’s experience 20 years ago’ anecdotes on here.

Education in the UK has changed quite dramatically over the past few decades, and what was someone’s experience with private or state back then isn’t very relevant. OP would be better off looking at the stats and offerings of schools local to her, and making a decision based on that.

This was me 15 years ago. We looked at cheaper options but nothing sat quite right. We went for a look around the "elite school" basically in order to write it off and we were blown away by the child showing us around and the easy relationship he had with the teachers and other students we encountered on our show round, as well as his demeanour and the amazing facilities.
We decided to make it work.. twice.. and the result has been amazing. I couldn't have asked for more in terms of "soft skills", and I suppose the point was the kids were very different (chalk and cheese really) and yet the school moulded around each of them, rather than making them fit in the standard "round hole".
We aren't rich, but neither were a lot of other parents.. we all just wanted the best for our kids.
It brought out the absolute best in each of them, gave them a confidence and a view to life and progression that is very rare today. They look the world directly in the eye.
It was worth it.

I'd be pissed too. But I always thought private secondaries had 11+s to do? Or 13+s?

Not all. Not all independent schools are selective.

I just remember back in my DS's time (he was in year 6 in 2011/2012) the private schools he applied for had 11+s and it you did okay you got in. You did really well you got scholarship.

Yes some are selective. Many aren't

So then how can it be claimed she's had any "privilege" or "advantage" due to her education? How has it given her an unfair advantage over a state school peer?

@twistyizzy I have asked Callmemessy and several others to explain this but no answers have been forthcoming.
Odd, because the posters I have questioned aren’t usually slow to reply to or challenge posts they disagree with.

No they don’t. ££££ is more important. She also happens to be one of the brightest people I know but that doesn’t necessarily translate into grades if you don’t want to work in school.

My hope is that the more the educated
middle classes are forced to use state provision, the more they might start advocating for a better system rather than just side stepping the issue by paying their way out of the problem.

Why can't the existing MC who use state schools do this? There are far more MC using state than private ie 18 million parents use state Vs 1 million using independent. Why are those 1 million any more powerful than 18 million?

It’s less about the MCs and more about the people who were in charges for all those years - privately educated toffs who didn’t give a damn about anyone other than their own ‘class’.
Good to see things changing, tax breaks going etc, next we need more educated diverse people in charge for a while, really start shaking things up a bit.

What tax breaks? You mean the introduction of a new tax? The court told Labour to stop using tax break because it was a slogan, not fact.
You realise all VAT does is make independent schools MORE elitist though don't you? Because it is squeezing the MC out 🫣. So the gap just grows wider!
It's not about common sense policy though is it?

In charge of educational policy? The issue with Scottish education (and Scottish education is in a truly terrible state) is that we have had too many ‘progressive’ , faddy policies, poorly thought through implemented blindly with no actual thinking as to whether they will work. If they hadn’t changed things around Scottish education would no doubt still be the best in the world.

Good to see things changing, tax breaks going etc, next we need more educated diverse people in charge for a while, really start shaking things up a bit.

@CallMeMessy what form will ‘shaking things up a bit’ take? (Not holding my breath for an answer).

OP - I take the money you were going to waste on fees and put it away for your DC, that money will really help them out in life as a young adult for housing, experiences, travel, or start off in a lower paying career that they might love but couldn’t afford to get into and pay all their bills etc.

Do you know what would improve access? Bring back the Assisted Places scheme and do what other countries do ie give tax relief to parents who use independent schools. That would widen access and enable more DC to attend independent schools especially those on low incomes.

It was Labour who scrapped Assisted Places and made UK only country in the world to tax the education of children. The fact you think it's a positive step to tax children's education says a lot about you.

Trickle down economics? Give the rich more tax breaks, so they have more money, then they’ll spend it and the economy does better?
Doesn’t work though, does it? People with money hoard that money - fair enough, it’s their money.
Wealthy people don’t need more tax breaks, I don’t need more tax breaks. I’d prefer the tax I pay to go into good, very good universal education, we need an educated population. That’s what benefits the economy. Not tax breaks for the 1% or 10% etc.