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Original poster

Private school grief

664 replies

Movingonfeelssad · 16/09/2025 12:56

Hey,
just came to the realization that private school for my child will not happen. Local State is good, cannot complain really, he will be fine, but will always wonder what doors private would have opened. We can afford it, mainly because of my income and this created so much pain in my husband that I decided to let it go. As a self made person from a very underprivileged background, it took so much grit and determination to get to where I am right now financially and I find it slightly challenging not to aim for the best for my child. But the value for money makes no sense with today’s fees and increasing costs, lifestyle creep etc…
what is the point of being successful as a professional if I need to hide it all the time? And before you say, yes my husband is very supportive of me otherwise…

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Original poster
Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:01

Wellheresastate · 17/09/2025 20:37

Haven’t rtft but have read all OP posts. Don’t really know where to start with this the thinking appears so confused…

If you want to give your child the right school and best opportunities for them, you will need to look at all kids of schools to determine what that is. You don’t say how old your child is, but this is not a ‘one and done’ decision - there are entry points to private at various times and you can always see how you get on, and indeed move in either direction depending on circumstances.

I don’t feel it is helpful to look at education as a purely input/output situation (the ‘value add’) you keep speaking of. You don’t know what that might look like for your child, so ant this point if is partly unknowable and, as you have identified, much is intangible. Some of it is also just that a lot of the children you’ve met at these schools experience privilege in many areas of their lives, it is not just because they are at private school.

There seems to be an aspiration about the “elite” and a comparison that other privates are just like state with fees. To some extent this might be true but be careful not to confuse traits that can quickly become arrogance/entitlement with an excellent education. You don’t say where you are but eg. there are top London day schools which I would say are educationally superior to places like eton/harrow in terms of producing well-rounded pupils. Also, if your son is not yet at school you have no idea of the weight the state system in many areas is currently dealing with and the impact of long term chronic underfunding not just in education but also in health etc. CAHMS waitlists here are 40 months at the moment and this impacts children, families and schools. What you perceive as “just like state school” may in fact be “just like you’d like state school to be - but it often can’t be that right now”.

More importantly than any of this is that the ‘grief’ you feel doesn’t appear to be about education per se - as someone who has built their own success I imagine you would be able to navigate a change of school at 7/11/13/16. I suggest it is far more about the route feeling closed off entirely due to your husband’s attitude. And this is something I think you’re struggling with and using ‘value add’ to avoid confronting it. First, what a prejudiced attitude he has to assume all parents at private schools are arrogant, entitled, snobbish etc etc. I mean, pick your school (and some doubtless will be) but is that what you find at work? Are all your successful colleagues (those you seek to admire in terms of confidence etc) this way? If anyone suggested all parents at state schools were any particular way they would/should be savaged. As a parent it is part of your job not to let your insecurities impact your children’s attitudes and opportunities. Is your child not to play at a someone’s house because it is bigger than yours? Or go somewhere with them because they have a fancier car?

Your husband’s fears are understandable, but he needs to deal with them himself. He will meet people he doesn’t like in all kinds of places - as well as those he does. If he feels emasculated by your success perhaps he should have considered that a while ago… I daresay there are other elements of your success he quite enjoys?!

importantly, you don’t have to allow his feelings on this to rule ywhat should be joint decisions in your child’s interests. That doesn’t mean it has to be a hill to die on either. But it is this which I would raise and monitor, with a view to agreeing a compromise (eg. that you will keep things under review and both be open to a change of tack). Being in a relationship where you don’t feel able to really see things from each others’ perspectives, or where you feel your child’s interests aren’t fundamental is indeed very upsetting and a loss.

As a cautionary tale… I know someone who went to a comp. After leaving, and initially going off to a low rung uni which he did not enjoy, he decided to apply to Oxford off his own bat. He got in and saved his acceptance letter to share with his parents on Christmas Day. His dad’s response? “Oh you’re all fancy now are you, and don’t want anything to do with the likes of us?”
That was over 30 years ago and his dad hasn’t seen his granddaughter in 8 years (not just because of that, but it sets the tone…)

Sorry this is so long, but can I suggest your husband needs to work on himself and try not to let his hang-ups disadvantage his child both in general terms and on this issue in particular? He’s not much of a man if he can’t see that this is his problem - not yours and certainly not his child’s. Don’t make it yours - you shouldn’t feel you just cave wholesale to his feelings.

Edited

Thank you for the message, grateful for the thorough explanation. We visited both schools extensively and the private one sends more than half to Clarendon schools. The families we have seen at the networking functions are mainly investment bankers / city lawyers and the odd business owners. Some international families, mainly Chinese. we observed this and formed some impressions. I think his feelings are valid but he has not been super forthcoming about them and I wanted to be tactful

OP posts:
myspareusername · 17/09/2025 21:36

Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:01

Thank you for the message, grateful for the thorough explanation. We visited both schools extensively and the private one sends more than half to Clarendon schools. The families we have seen at the networking functions are mainly investment bankers / city lawyers and the odd business owners. Some international families, mainly Chinese. we observed this and formed some impressions. I think his feelings are valid but he has not been super forthcoming about them and I wanted to be tactful

Show quote history

@Movingonfeelssad
Are you aiming for one of the Clarendon schools?

There are soooooo many other very good private schools.

I know quite a few men who went to Eton and quite a few families who have sons there now. They very much have a 'type' that thrive there, as do the other Clarendon schools. They are also exceptionally hard to get into academically, aside from the finances. How old is your DC?

Honestly, I think you have a very skewed view of private education and need to think more broadly and holistically about the best fit for your DC

Original poster
Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:55

myspareusername · 17/09/2025 21:36

@Movingonfeelssad
Are you aiming for one of the Clarendon schools?

There are soooooo many other very good private schools.

I know quite a few men who went to Eton and quite a few families who have sons there now. They very much have a 'type' that thrive there, as do the other Clarendon schools. They are also exceptionally hard to get into academically, aside from the finances. How old is your DC?

Honestly, I think you have a very skewed view of private education and need to think more broadly and holistically about the best fit for your DC

Show quote history

Not Eton specifically, but the thought process was exactly that if you don’t get on the right track, the chances are minimal. And deciding for state was kind of missing the boat unless the child is exceptional. It is not lost on us that friends and acquaintances in the very well paid professions (ie £300k basic, 6 -7 figures bonuses) consider these schools a must for their children, leading to the very few universities their employers would recruit from. As mentioned, we visited all schools in our area and the other privates were not more impressive than the local state one

OP posts:
CallMeMessy · 17/09/2025 22:04

Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 20:28

short answer is no. And I am conscious that single children are more common in private than state …

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93 % of ALL children are in state school. 7% in private. There are MORE only kids in state schools because there are FAR more children - only or not- in state school.

Zigazigarrr · 17/09/2025 22:05

Why are you still fussing? Just do it if you want to do it?

Swanlady · 17/09/2025 22:07

Hi, I have 3 birth children who went to mainstream school and did absolutely fine. All went on to do A/levels and degrees and now have fab careers and earning good money with their own homes, cars etc. I also currently have 2 foster children in a good private school and got to say, apart from getting more communication from the school (they phone often with updates and progress reports), the sporting opportunities, all the extra curriculum stuff and the school trips (that are brilliant, but VERY expensive) educationally, i don't see that much difference. School concerts and parents evenings etc are ultra "posh" with wine and nibbles but stuff like that isn't important. I think if a kid is bright and had enough support they will do well anywhere, but if not they will struggle. I would save your money if you know mainstream is good and save the money for private tutoring later to up their grades a notch or two if needed.

CallMeMessy · 17/09/2025 22:07

Or don’t. It’s really a nothing ‘problem’.

myspareusername · 17/09/2025 22:17

@Movingonfeelssad how old is your DC?

Why not go to a state primary?

That's what a lot of people do around here, then some carry on in state, some go to grammar and some to private for secondary

38thparallel · 17/09/2025 22:32

@CallMeMessy Are you going to answer my question?

Calliopespa · 17/09/2025 22:46

Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:55

Not Eton specifically, but the thought process was exactly that if you don’t get on the right track, the chances are minimal. And deciding for state was kind of missing the boat unless the child is exceptional. It is not lost on us that friends and acquaintances in the very well paid professions (ie £300k basic, 6 -7 figures bonuses) consider these schools a must for their children, leading to the very few universities their employers would recruit from. As mentioned, we visited all schools in our area and the other privates were not more impressive than the local state one

Show quote history

I think OP it would pay to dig a little around these assumptions that certain schools lead to certain universities which lead to certain jobs.

There have been significant inroads on this in recent years.

Wellheresastate · 17/09/2025 22:54

myspareusername · 17/09/2025 21:36

@Movingonfeelssad
Are you aiming for one of the Clarendon schools?

There are soooooo many other very good private schools.

I know quite a few men who went to Eton and quite a few families who have sons there now. They very much have a 'type' that thrive there, as do the other Clarendon schools. They are also exceptionally hard to get into academically, aside from the finances. How old is your DC?

Honestly, I think you have a very skewed view of private education and need to think more broadly and holistically about the best fit for your DC

Show quote history

Completely agree with this. Education is not just a means to a financial/career end and there are no guarantees of what YOUR child will take from it.

The circles you move in are skewing your notion of what is “must have” and you’d be wise to take a longer view, start your child in state and really explore other good private options alongside state as your child grows. I am privately educated (my children are in state) and I had to google “Clarendon schools” despite growing up with friends at both St Pauls and Westminster, as I had never heard this term before! not surprised your husband finds it off putting (although he still needs to remove that chip). The most awful couple I’ve ever had dealings with happen to also have a child at Eton. They bought a new Porsche so as not to “let the side down” when picking him up, and are despicable people. People who have real class are more likely to be driving some old Volvo, because they don’t fear the judgement of others in the same way (and have actual manners!)

Your child will be best served by you and your husband making decisions that are right for them and for your family and not being too blinded by the way the ultra rich perceive success and education - ie as something which can be bought rather than nurtured (obviously generalization).

There are loads of great London day schools, especially at secondary. Focus on giving your child opportunities early in life to explore their interests and that will help steer you - dance, art, music, drama, sports, languages are all as important in creating a healthy person as more academic subjects. Having outlets for these interests is a huge privilege in itself, as is having parents who will support this. Even this may mean putting yourselves in positions you’re not always comfortable with (there have been some good threads on this on MN), but focus on the journey. There are curve balls coming your way, as that is life… arm your child to deal with them and be prepared to flex yourselves. Just having the option open to you is an incredible privilege and one I certainly wish I had (watching my 6 year old being taught to count to 20, which he has been able to do since he was 2 is really painful). But a love of learning and a belief in its importance for its own sake is also a great and lifelong gift - if you can encourage that you’ll already be doing better than many ‘Clarendon’ parents!

TheaBrandt1 · 18/09/2025 06:57

I think it’s a shame your Dh is so narrow minded and class obsessed.

Dd2 is at a decent state school but her closest friends are at the local private / public schools and they are lovely kids none of them give two hoots about social status. Her best friends parents are a global elite wealth level yes the disparity is slightly cringe but they are very welcoming and kind to dd.

CatkinToadflax · 18/09/2025 07:44

I do find it strange that people want their children to attend specific schools merely because they are ‘impressive’ or prestigious, rather than because they suit the needs of their child.

Tiswa · 18/09/2025 07:44

Hold on @Movingonfeelssad he could afford it but not so he has enough for pensions?

look I went to private school with much wealthy parents and it was great!

anyway you need to take out all of your crap and figure out what is best for your child (and for you)

and re look at the others I think they might be a better fit

twistyizzy · 18/09/2025 07:50

CatkinToadflax · 18/09/2025 07:44

I do find it strange that people want their children to attend specific schools merely because they are ‘impressive’ or prestigious, rather than because they suit the needs of their child.

I agree however equally there are posters who claim to send their kids to the worst schools just to teach them "grit". I find that equally as baffling.

CatkinToadflax · 18/09/2025 07:55

twistyizzy · 18/09/2025 07:50

I agree however equally there are posters who claim to send their kids to the worst schools just to teach them "grit". I find that equally as baffling.

Show quote history

Yes that’s a very good point! Completely agree that’s equally as bewildering.

38thparallel · 18/09/2025 08:01

Not enough.

@Blossomtoes they evidently made allowances for George Abaraonye, the Oxford student who cheered about Charlie Kirk’s murder who got ABB in his A levels.
No privately educated applicant would even get an interview with those grades.

DaisyChain505 · 18/09/2025 08:05

Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:01

Thank you for the message, grateful for the thorough explanation. We visited both schools extensively and the private one sends more than half to Clarendon schools. The families we have seen at the networking functions are mainly investment bankers / city lawyers and the odd business owners. Some international families, mainly Chinese. we observed this and formed some impressions. I think his feelings are valid but he has not been super forthcoming about them and I wanted to be tactful

Show quote history

You keep focusing on what job your child could end up in and how rich they could be. Have you ever stopped to think about what will actually make them happy and content in life rather that their finances?

Bubblesgun · 18/09/2025 08:14

Movingonfeelssad · 17/09/2025 21:55

Not Eton specifically, but the thought process was exactly that if you don’t get on the right track, the chances are minimal. And deciding for state was kind of missing the boat unless the child is exceptional. It is not lost on us that friends and acquaintances in the very well paid professions (ie £300k basic, 6 -7 figures bonuses) consider these schools a must for their children, leading to the very few universities their employers would recruit from. As mentioned, we visited all schools in our area and the other privates were not more impressive than the local state one

Show quote history

Wow. I dont even know where to start. It s not about you, it s about your child 😠

choosing a school is for your child benefit not for value add or ego boost. It is to “to encourage and support your child into developing their full potential”.

remove the chip on both your shoulders and out back your child at the centre of the conversation.

you dont say the age so i am assuming starting reception.

  • what does your child like and needs right now
  • what will he/she needs at the end of primary to go onto secondary

then review age 7 move to another school or stay until 11+, or move on to a school for 13+ by 7 you can also starts asking your child for their preference not that they have the decision power but it s good to teach them to be a part of a conversation.
^ by the way you were asking, that is one way of instilling those intangibles you talked about.
your child is the centre of that conversation not both your egos.

deep down you are still the girl that worked hard to be where she is through sheer grit and you should be proud of yourself. Dont hide your success and wealth what you did is an achievement, but when you speak the way you do about schools and whats important your chip comes back 10 fold.
and dont get me started on your husband ego.

Littlemissbubbblles · 18/09/2025 08:34

@Movingonfeelssad
Maybe look at it another way.
With your achievements and incomes, and therefore obviously lifestyle…… Will your child not feel like a fish out of water at a state school?

Calliopespa · 18/09/2025 08:59

BIossomtoes · 18/09/2025 06:28

Show quote history

And the direction of travel is that more inroads will be made.

But my intention wasn't really to debate the ins and outs of those policies as much as to point out to op that plenty (and an increasing number) of fee-paying parents are dismayed by outcomes at university and job application level.

Her posts, it seems to me, are predicated very much upon private education being some sort of automatic entry or golden ticket, and she isn't alone in that; many people seem to expect to "get the fees back and some" and are driven by that as a financial incentive. My point is more that the fees cannot be viewed as a down payment on these particular advantages and the decision needs to be a more holistic one: will the particular school under consideration have provided things you would think merited the fees even if he doesn't get his first (or second or third) choice university?

As another pp pointed out, many of the perceived advantages are background factors in the child's life irrespective of the school, and it can be hard to see what to attribute to what. I'm not against private education, I am just trying to be very honest with op about what to consider.

CallMeMessy · 18/09/2025 09:20

‘Completely agree with this. Education is not just a means to a financial/career end and there are no guarantees of what YOUR child will take from it.’

In our race for best school, best GCSE results, best 6th form, best university, best graduate scheme, best company etc etc I think this gets completely lost. I’m WC and my non-academic cousins who did apprenticeships, became tradies and the like have been hugely successful and work in fulfilling jobs, being their own bosses, running their own businesses.

There so much more to school than looking successful on paper, and I say that as someone who looks very successful on paper!

CarrieDS · 18/09/2025 11:36

So, my question is why your husband is opposed to private if you can comfortably afford it? Is there more to the situation ie. does he feel you cannot afford it, or is he fundamentally against private schools for any reason?

If you can definitely afford it more than comfortably (as well as your home and holidays etc etc) from Reception to A Levels, and it means that much to you, then I wouldn’t give up. If he is otherwise supportive he surely would come around. Has he visited the school, that seems to win people over.

From my experience I went to a top 10 UK Public School. My dad taught in a very prestigious prep school. You can’t get a much ‘better’ education than I had. Yet my kids (12,10,8) are all in local states schools. My kids have a much less pressured, much happier education than I had and we can afford great holidays, day trips and tutors when we need them. When my eldest gets to GCSE we will probably spend £5-8k on tutors over a 2 year period…. this is obvs vastly cheaper than 14 years of private schools. I would also point out that my husband went to state schools, and we both ended up at the same university (Russell group again, top uni) and it was at this uni where my husband met a lot of public school kids and all in all, made all the ‘connections’ people talk about making at school, while at uni.

I do believe there is an edge to state school kids, that private schools kids don’t have. A bit more resilience. Unless you go to boarding school like I did, you have to be quite independent.

I’m a big fan of a good state school (Ofsyed Good or Outstanding) and then giving the child everything you can outside of that by holidays, clubs, friends, outings and happy family home and building resilience to get them through life, and getting them into the best uni possible maybe with help of tutors.

Whatever you decide own it, all will be fine!