Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

This thread has revealed some shocking levels of ageism and entitlement amongst parents of small children.

I wonder how many children are being brought up like this: under micro control of parents, never going unaccompanied to grandparents’ houses?

It doesn’t feel healthy to me,

My grandparents had us at their house regularly and were super attentive. My Mum had my niece and nephew at her house. All positive and building confidence in different environments.

No wonder we have so much anxiety and kids scared to spend a night away from home at 10 etc.

GPs are past the stage of keeping their houses "child-proofed".

For goodness sake!

If a GP is not fit to child proof their house then they are not fit to care for a child - so hop off and pay for care!

I disagree, DGP's usually have more sense. If anything they're more cautious than parents, ensuring they return a child in one piece.
When my DM babysat, they had her full attention, the day is planned around them.

@StewkeyBlue I totally agree about the agism and entitlement, but thankfully that is not what I see in the real world. A lot of these ‘incapable and past it’ grandparents are also holding down senior, professional roles that have greater responsibility than looking after one or even two young GC.

Grandfathers are generally capable as well. My DH was able to manage our DC at toddler stage in his workshop which is far more hazardous than the house. I won’t say my DH age as he would be deemed completely incapable here.

Some of my fondest memories are of staying with my grandparents. I gained so much knowledge and experiences from spending time with them. My DC has similar experiences with my parents and one of my GP. Even if I say so myself, I give my GC experiences that he doesn’t get the same exposure to with his parents. Even if I have to get on with bits and bobs at home, they help out with varying things and they have a level of attention and engagement that they don’t get in a busy working household, or when they were at nursery. But exposure to a multitude of environments is healthy for them.

@EmeraldShamrock000 I think it is underestimated as to how it feels to be responsible for someone else’s small child/baby. It felt less onerous with my own that it did with my GC.

The comment is ridiculous op. Well done for your restrained response! You are only five or ten years older than plenty of new mothers. And nowhere have you mentioned or even indicated smacking of anything else that would now be considered illegal!!
i brought mine up in the 90s and later, mum brought me up in the sixties, nana brought her up in the 30s, I believe we were kind caring mothers. No smacking or anything significantly different than the way my dil and daughter bring their babies up.
Everyone saying your house won’t be set up, I don’t agree on that one. Mine is very child friendly probably more so than their own homes due to the nature of theirs being period properties. Once the baby is a little older you may find they ask to come to nanas house, children love being in different places.
Try not to worry. I think it is tricky these days when we read so many negative comments about grandmothers. It is a lovely time though and I feel sure you will between you work out how best to do it. You daughter in law may be worrying too, try to reassure her that you are there for her and her family x

Same with my grandbaby and I oddly still remember how to childproof.

I'll bet you said that with a completely straight face as well, didn't you?

Wow! thank you for all your advice.
Just to be clear my son is mid 20's so I am well aware of baby proofing and not giving toddlers china plates and glasses and not smacking!!
I am prepared to buy everything baby needs for my house.
I really don't think the issue is that she wants the baby to stay at their house, after all her mum will be taking baby to her house as she only lives a short walk away.
I believe it is nerves due to the baby being 20 minutes away from her when she goes back to work.
I am not going to say anything to her and just wait and see. If she wants me at their house while she's getting used to being away from baby then that's what I will do, but I am prepared to raise it again later down the line.

I have relied heavily on my own mum, my grandmother, my PILs and for a short time my husband's GPs for childcare since returning to work. I WFH almost exclusively which may or may not be relevant.

My mum reduced her hours to work 4 days a week to have my eldest (her choice), with DD going to her house after nursery the evening before (she picked her up and took her home) and staying there the following day until I picked up. My grandmother was juggling caring for my grandfather at the time so I worked from their house 2 days a week and between us we juggled everything. My mum had everything set up at her house as we had lived there for a short time, and I needed the peace at home to work. My GM didn't have everything set up but it was easy enough to pack what was required and it suited her better being in her own home even after my GF passed.

My PILs have both DDs now on my MILs day off (already working 4 days a week prior to the arrangement), FIL is retired. They don't have all the bits and bobs to hand but again, easy enough for me to pack things they need. They have bought their own toy selection so it's only bottle/nappies/changes of clothes needed.

Even if OPs DIL returns to work earlier than when baby is 9 months old, there really isn't that much required that would make it massively easier to look after the baby in the family home? My PILs coped without a prep machine, their own stash of nappies and wipes...I send what is required and they do the rest. At the end of the day all these people have been helping ME so I've worked around them as much as I can. I certainly wouldn't have made demands of any of them even if I was working away from my own house...

We have been looking after a grandchild, one day a week, for over 4 years now (two different DGC). It is mostly at our house and the parents find it useful that their house is cleaner and tidier. Also, the babies have got used to napping at our house and occasional overnights. We haven't spent huge amounts on travel cot, high chair, buggy or toys. I wouldn't make a fuss just now, maybe say you hope you can have your DGC at your house sometimes when they're older. If you have been driving without incident for 20-30 years you're probably safe.

@icravestardamage when I went back to work after maternity leave I chose a nursery closer to my workplace rather than nearer our home as didn’t want to be too far away from my baby.

I would do the first 3 months in their home.
Make sure you don't do all the cleaning or they'll want to keep you. 😆

That makes sense to me. She's not even had the baby yet.
And who knows how she will feel in a years time. Having to keep her place MIL ready!

I think this is a good idea OP :)

The first time mum nerves are hard, my Mum had my twins at my house initially just one day a week when I went back to work (saved me a fortune but she also really wanted to do it!) it was so much easier initially and especially for their naps. As they got older I didn’t mind where they went, her house or ours, but as babies I felt a lot happier they were at home while we all adjusted to it!

My boys have the most wonderful relationship with their Nana now too, they adore their time with her. Congrats, I bet you can’t wait.

Some of the posts on here have given me a good chuckle (Thankyou @Xsxjxmx, @Bananaandmangosmoothie , @Yerroblemom1923).
I need to call dd to tell her that dgc can no longer stay because I’ve lost the ability to keep them safe.

Personally I wouldn't make a regular commitment, especially if they can easily afford the childcare. Too much potential for things to go wrong or become a burden to you.

Why don't you start with being at hers but make it clear that once she's stopped panicking about being away from baby you expect to be able to take baby out and about or to yours.
Although I didn't stop panicking. I still hate being too far away geographically and he's 15 🤣

I think thats the point, they are a relatively young couple so probably early career.
Childcare just isn't cheap so probably really do need the financial help.

If Granny is game for a day a week then great but it needs to work for Granny as well as the parents.
Remember she is still working and this day a week could end up a very long term commitment, depending on subsequent children and even longer if it rolls over on to school holidays

I know. Hilarious huh . Lol . Apparently, grandparents are not qualified to babysit in their own home unless they turn their living room into a padded cell .

My advice would be wait and see how it plays out. The anxiety of thinking of the baby being so far away initially plus the transition of returning to work, adding on drop off and pick ups might feel a lot for mum. My daughter goes to her grans a half day a week when I’m working and my husband picks her up after lunch and does a half day. My mil is an anxious driver and unable to drive to our house. She has a range of toys kept there and it works for us. My dad has only ever helped watch our daughter at our house and for short periods of time. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having her at his as his house isn’t baby proofed at all and I think he’s more comfortable at our house too knowing she has everything she needs here.

No if you look at the quote history I say that’s how I genuinely feel about our 3 sets of grandparents

When grandparents look after my children and are doing me a favour, then they can do what they want if they want to have them at their house as it’s easier for them then that is absolutely fine by me. I also do all drop offs and pick ups or at least offer to do them to make it easier for them. If you trust someone to look after your children and they want you to have them they cannot dictate what you have to do. You are doing them a favour and no doubt saving them money in childcare fees

It’s a shame for you, and telling, that being a decent human being to a fellow human in need requires you working twice as hard as others. Think about why that is and you may find a way to get on a better track for yourself.