Looking after grandchild

[icravestardamage]

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon.
When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do.
I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work.
Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone.
I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house.
I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

A baby does not need to be in 'their home environment'. A baby can be anywhere safe and warm. The baby will be better off with a Grandma who is relaxed and happy getting on with stuff rather than a bored Grandma stuck in someone else's house, scrolling and watching the clock.

It is so much easier for you to be at their house where it is suited for their child and all their child's things are there. She's being precious because the baby is precious. If you don't agree with her terms then don't help, but personally, you should do what they ask and be part of the village they will need

I’d happily drive to help family. I think it makes sense for you to go to them, because 2 hours in the car is a lot for a baby and cuts into quality time. It’s also fine to say no.

Some of the comments on here are eye opening and I am left quite speechless by some of them.

Thankfully in the real world the majority of parents are only too grateful that GPs are providing free care that they bend over backwards to enable that to happen. The majority will find a way forward that benefits all parties as much as possible.

I have always taken into account my DD’s wishes when looking after our GC and have also striven to make life as easy as possible for her. However, she has never dictated and the most I have been asked to adhere to was not allowing GC to nap beyond a certain time.

Making a home child safe is not really a big deal and it’s a massive assumption that it is easier for GP’s to look after DGC in the DGC home. Interestingly enough, unless you have a nanny, all other childcare is outside the home with nursery’s and childminders managing perfectly well as does the child. GPs get on with it as well, they are also capable of finding out the latest ideas on child rearing if they are not already aware, but their offspring should be more than capable of advising if there is any avoidance of doubt.

It is not clear as to how old the DGC will be when OP is going to look after them, but given that a high proportion of parents will take the maximum maternity/paternity leave, and then perhaps have some annual leave tagged on to the end, its likely that DGC will be at toddler stage and not a tiny baby, which a lot of posters appear to be referring to.

@mindutopia

shes gonna have the baby all day, she will have plenty of time with them.

@Xsxjxmx

presumably OP’s house is safe and warm and clean. That’s all a baby needs. As if they care if a different changing mat is being used when they have a nappy change or whatever.

As a mum of a toddler that really isn't all they need. And her home will only be safe of all breakables ect are moved and cupboard locks etc are used where needed, and baby gates. All stuff that will already be at the baby's home. Toddlers are naturally curious and put these measures in place are a lot easier than always saying no and having to move them away. They can learn boundaries without being told to stop endlessly because the house isn't suitable for a baby, before that reason is used. Food the baby likes, toddler friendly cutlery, crockery and cups, toys, a suitable place to nap, their pram. All things that are genuinely needed, because we don't want to give a toddler a glass, China plate and fill sized cutlery, we don't want toddlers napping on the floor uncomfortable or the sofa where they may fall off.

Grandparents aren’t stupid. We’ve had children, we’ve been mums to toddlers.

My house is baby safe, we have everything that they need. We aren’t the enemy.

At what point did I say anything about being an enemy or stupid. The woman said was all the baby needed was for it to be safe warm and clean. I was saying that simply isn't true. For one day a week the last would need a lot of things when she can simply spend the day at the child's house

I don't want to be away from home all day on my day off, but I'm happy to pick dgc up. Or you can drop the baby at my house if you prefer. Or we can meet half way - what works best?". She's being a major CF; don't pander. If she doesn't want you driving the baby, fair enough, she can do all the driving.

We mostly cycle, child seats on bikes & just got a trailer. Or walk with baby carrier (she also hates the pram!) or trike. We do put her in car at least once a week but generally only for a few mins drive and I’m hoping she gets happier with it so we can do longer trips. Lots of people without cars have kids I don’t think cars are fundamental but I do agree it makes long distance trips easier

Good grief 🙄I'm amazed any of the parents on here ever feel comfortable leaving their children with grandparents. I mean - what if we put them to sleep on the sofa then walk out of the room and just forget about them and they fall off. Or what if they get into the cupboard under the sink and drink the bleach and we've been so busy being elderly that we haven't noticed 😱

I don’t think it’s offensive at all, but personally I’m my off day I’d like to be at home and do things around my own place.

Not the same at all but the first time I house sat for my SIL I was really looking forward to coming back home, maybe because it’s your own space? And I treat her dog as if it was my own pet.

My SIL also has her nephews once a week for the past 8 years and it’s always been at her house. They all live very close by though so I appreciate it’s different.

@Xsxjxmx

Im really glad you’ve posted this, because otherwise OP may have been planning to have the child kip on the floor with a champagne flute, tin opener and can of beans with loads of knives and bleach laying around. Thanks for educating OP and me.

Oh my goodness.

Of course a house can be safe without all breakables being moved, locks on cupboards and baby gates. Closing/locking doors has the same effect as baby gates for baby’s and toddlers. Not everyone has stairs either which makes a baby gate somewhat redundant. Saying no and explaining why, as well as distraction is part of boundary setting. Grandparents are more than capable of providing tablewear and cutlery that is age appropriate as well as providing suitable food. Don’t underestimate the pleasure a toddler can get from having ‘adult’ tablewear under supervision, rather than plastic, bamboo etc. They may also even widen the DGC palate by providing different foods as well as their favourites. Unless you have a traditional silver cross pram, most fold up and fit in car boots and can be transported with DGC. Believe it or not, grandparents make a safe napping place and some even have cots, or toddler beds.

’Wants to look after’ suggests the baby’s mum is the one doing OP a favour by ‘letting’ OP spend time with the baby. Which is a rather manipulative way to look at it imo, when she’s getting free childcare out of the arrangement.

Wow, the entitlement in some of these responses is outstanding! Next time I read a thread complaining about grandparents not wanting to provide childcare, I will think back to these and laugh.

"It's not about YOU" - it literally is, seeing as the OP is being asked to do a huge favour, for her son and DIL's benefit, and started the thread

"But you'd be picking up your DGC anyway..." - why would she? OP might be really happy to do this, but it should not be expected. Does Nursery come and collect your kids?

And the patronising posts that suggest that Grandparents have no idea how to care for a child. Honestly!

@mercilousming agreed
The other crazy thing is Op is only 50, not that much older than some people becoming parents for the first time.

She probably has other things to do on her day off as well as babysit, like shopping etc.

Only do it if it works for you. If the reason behind her wanting you there were due to logistics or something important, fair enough, but just because she wants to be no more than 10 minutes away from the baby, absolutely not. It has to be on your terms, not hers. You’re the one providing free child care.

What about caring for your grandchildren the same way you cared for yourown 5 years earlier?

Why do you think all grandparents are old decript and out of date

My friends my had s child herself younger than the oldest grandchild

And my parents didn't smacked me in the 70s. I didn't smacked my kids in ghe 90s and 2000s and my kids didn't smack there's

Ops 50 a child of the mid 70s at max her son can't have been born much earlier than the mid 90s and 30 now.

Smacking was a thing of the past by the 90s

This.

It's totally reasonable for you to say this.

If they want to dictate significant terms then they need to pay for childcare by a professional.

You really don't need lots of things though. You really have fallen gor the " you need everything " cla
Trap.

Amazing any kids ever survived in the past isnt it?

My mum always found it easier to have my kids at her house. She had everything there.
You need to have a discussion with your son and dil .....its a huge ask to expect you to spend all your day off at their place.

Which if too many mothers dictate then grandparents will say no to childcare then they will have to pay for nursery/ childminder and not be able to make all the rules