Page 10 | Looking after grandchild

icravestardamage · 2025-09-16T10:51:55+00:00

My son and his girlfriend are due to have their first baby soon. When she goes back to work she has asked if I will have baby one day a week, on my day off which I am thrilled to do. I live 30 minutes from them and have just been told by her that I am to go through to where they live and look after baby there as she does not want baby more than 10 minutes away from her work. Also reading between the lines she doesn’t trust me to drive with baby because I once had an accident with my son in the car when he was little, he was not hurt I just ran into the back of someone. I was hoping that I could meet her at her work, which is just over half way for me and take baby back to my house. I understand she is being protective of her first baby - we've all been there but AIBU to think that on my only day off I should not be spending the whole day where they live and I should be able to take my grandchild back mine or for trips out.

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 16:56

viques · 16/09/2025 14:35

Presumably she will have time off for maternity leave, so potentially the baby will be sort of mobile, or even walking ( heaven help you! ) , when she goes back to work. Baby/toddler proofing a house is hard work, she might also have sourced local baby activity things in her area which she would like the baby to go to, so there are distinct advantages to minding at her house with familiar things around. But I would play it by ear, don’t burn all the bridges just yet.

Hmm really baby proofing difficult? Strangely my mum lived in a house that had a dining room with glass cabinets and a step down to the kitchen

Strangely enough she had her own kids, various grandkids and even a great grandchild there. Not one display was interfered with, not one child hurt at all. They soon learned the word noband being removed. And a gate tookabout 30 seconds to fit on kitchen doorway if very little ones there

I'm wondering what you consider necessary as baby proofing? Looking at the hones of my DD s ( with babies and a toddlers plus a 7 year old) there's a gate at stairs and on at kitchen and breakables are high. In face it's only the gates that are any different my own house

Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 16:59

DeliaOwens · 16/09/2025 14:53

OP, right now just agree in principle to looking after GC one day a week. Once the baby arrives, and things settle, your son’s girlfriend will once again approach this subject.

At this point, you iron out the creases.

FWIW, the packing up the car, feeding/changing the baby before leaving for work in the morning was always the worst part. No matter how much I did the night before.

It makes perfect sense to go to their place. All the baby stuff is there, familiar and comfortable currencies for the little one. Plus, you might occasionally be able to make them a home cooked meal so there is something nice and healthy, ready to eat when they get it.

makes life easier for them, even if you put yourself out a little one day per week. Once the baby becomes a toddler, you won’t be stuck in the house so much anyway…the days are long but the years go fast.

What a lovely comment! You sound like a fantastic thoughtful and considerate woman/mother/MIL and grandmother!

Original poster

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 17:02

I think if I lived closer they would be happy for me to drive 10 minutes away, so its not about me having to be in their house and not at mine.
@Autumnscoming23 thanks for your input but I love my DIL and will completely go with whatever she is comfortable with. I am just trying my best to navigate through the new situation of being a mother-in-law and a grandma to be.

OP posts:

samlett · 16/09/2025 17:02

All these rookie new mums setting rules and regs for grandma, as if the latter hasn't birthed and brought up a child herself 🙄

Thechaseison71 · 16/09/2025 17:13

samlett · 16/09/2025 17:02

All these rookie new mums setting rules and regs for grandma, as if the latter hasn't birthed and brought up a child herself 🙄

And brought one up well enough that THE DILwas happy to marry and have a baby with them.....

Coffeeishot · 16/09/2025 17:17

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 17:02

I think if I lived closer they would be happy for me to drive 10 minutes away, so its not about me having to be in their house and not at mine.
@Autumnscoming23 thanks for your input but I love my DIL and will completely go with whatever she is comfortable with. I am just trying my best to navigate through the new situation of being a mother-in-law and a grandma to be.

It will be fine, you might find baby/toddler things to do where they are so that can turn into "your thing" with your grand baby,

TimeForATerf · 16/09/2025 17:17

I have my DGD one day a week, at MY house. I have a car seat, a buggy and lots of toys here, and can look after DGD whilst carrying on with my life, you know in the same way as her mum does. I personally think they’re cheeky expecting you to travel there and back and do a full day child care away from your own home.

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/09/2025 17:20

It’s up to you ultimately, since you’re the one providing free childcare. My Mum has my kids at her house. Hugely grateful! Of course it would be more convenient for us if she came here but she said she won’t, so fair enough.

My mother in law has my nephew and niece at my brother in law’s house. She would rather have them at hers, but they’ve said no to that and she’s so keen to have them she goes by what they want. They also have loads of cameras in their house and watch her and message her about things when she’s caring for their children. No way my mum would ever stand for that.

So it’s up to you where your boundaries are, really. And it’s up to your daughter in law where hers are as well.

thing47 · 16/09/2025 17:22

Autumnscoming23 · 16/09/2025 16:49

You dont sound like you like your DIL much “he will do as she says” really?? And “Im the mother-in-law so need to work twice as hard to be a part of the family” you sound like hard work. Your whole attitude screams selfishness”me me me” your not just a MIL, you are your sons mother, and he would expect you to be respectful of his wifes wishes out of love and support for them both. If you cannot do that, then dont.

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Yes, it's incredibly selfish of the OP to spend her one non-working day in the week providing free childcare. Heck, she should even be doing their gardening and cooking for them as well during GC's naps.

Being loving and supportive does not mean you have to acquiesce to every stipulation made by your DIL. You can just say that actually, as you are doing them a favour, they need to fit in with what works better for you. This doesn't have to be done bluntly, you simply say something like ' I'm sorry but I really need to be in my own home on these two days so I can get things done when baby is asleep.'

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/09/2025 17:23

samlett · 16/09/2025 17:02

All these rookie new mums setting rules and regs for grandma, as if the latter hasn't birthed and brought up a child herself 🙄

Some things have changed in the past generation, though. For example, my parents used to smack us but no way would that be allowed for my own kids. Similarly, car seat rules are much stricter than they used to be. If you care for your grandchildren exactly the way you cared for your own children in the 1980s, you may end up breaking the law.

Squishydishy · 16/09/2025 17:26

So much better at her house. Will have baby gates, spare clothes, food suitable in the fridge, their bottles and bowls there YABU

Notagain75 · 16/09/2025 17:27

I think it makes sense for you to go to the babies house. It means they have all their things around them and its much less disruptive in the mornings for the baby and for the parents. So I think that makes perfect sense
However if you think it's too much for you then you should say sorry you can't look after her.

ruethewhirl · 16/09/2025 17:27

Namechangerage · 16/09/2025 13:18

YABU.

My mum travelled 20 mins by bus to mine and looks after baby there. It’s easier because all the stuff is there and baby will likely be more familiar. Plus you’ll have to pick him up anyway? So it’s an hour in the car for baby each day. Course you can do days out etc that’s different.

Personally as OP's offering free childcare and now being asked to put herself out, I don't see how she's BU. It's free so baby's mum doesn't really get to pick and choose imho.

Notagain75 · 16/09/2025 17:31

ruethewhirl · 16/09/2025 17:27

Personally as OP's offering free childcare and now being asked to put herself out, I don't see how she's BU. It's free so baby's mum doesn't really get to pick and choose imho.

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If the grandmother wants to.look after the baby I think mother does get to pick and choose. She had to think about what is best for the baby and that is obviously staying in their own home

Shinysunday · 16/09/2025 17:34

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 12:11

Thank you for your responses.
I am fearful of speaking up because we have had a fragile relationship in the past. I feel if I don't agree to her terms I could end up being the bad guy.
As to meeting her at work it would be done in the office car park, or I am happy to collect from their house.
My initial thoughts were 'lets see'
There is no real issue over the cost as she would get 50% discount on childcare.

She wants to keep her baby close by - nothing sinister about that, and no reason to think it's a reflection on your driving. Everything is set up for a baby at her house, and the right food and medicines and so on will be to hand. The time you spend driving that extra half hour each week would likely be spent preparing and tidying your home and doing extra shopping. And it is the parents' choice. You were trilled to be asked, so don't spoil it by arguing over the details. If it doesn't work out for some reason, you can discuss it and agree something different.

99victoria · 16/09/2025 17:35

I don't get all this 'it'll be easier at the parents house because everything will be there' narrative. As previously mentioned I have looked after 3 of my grandchildren over the last 9 years (oldest nearly 10, youngest 1). I have a buggy, a highchair, a car seat, toys, beaker cups, a bottle, plastic cultery and plates, a pile of spare clothes in the airing cupboard, nappies and wipes in the bathroom, a changing mat etc

Most 60 year olds are perfectly capable of sourcing and storing these things and buying/preparing food etc suitable for young children. Honestly, it all reads so patronising. I don't have a stair gate so I keep the door to the hall closed when I'm looking after my one year old dgs. Or, I make sure I'm with him if he goes out into the hallway.

I know some guidance on childcare has changed and I'm happy to take those things on board but seriously, there's no need to be so patronising. We're perfectly capable of taking care of our grandchildren in our own homes 🙄

nextholidaypending · 16/09/2025 17:42

My MIL offered to help care for my children one day a week when I returned to work. It took me a long time to trust her (or anyone other than my husband) to drive them around. Not because I didn’t trust them, just my own anxieties. It’s a big thing to leave your children when they are tiny, particularly your first born. Try not to take offence as I’m sure it’s nothing personal and she clearly trusts you to have them in your care!

Notagain75 · 16/09/2025 17:47

99victoria · 16/09/2025 17:35

I don't get all this 'it'll be easier at the parents house because everything will be there' narrative. As previously mentioned I have looked after 3 of my grandchildren over the last 9 years (oldest nearly 10, youngest 1). I have a buggy, a highchair, a car seat, toys, beaker cups, a bottle, plastic cultery and plates, a pile of spare clothes in the airing cupboard, nappies and wipes in the bathroom, a changing mat etc

Most 60 year olds are perfectly capable of sourcing and storing these things and buying/preparing food etc suitable for young children. Honestly, it all reads so patronising. I don't have a stair gate so I keep the door to the hall closed when I'm looking after my one year old dgs. Or, I make sure I'm with him if he goes out into the hallway.

I know some guidance on childcare has changed and I'm happy to take those things on board but seriously, there's no need to be so patronising. We're perfectly capable of taking care of our grandchildren in our own homes 🙄

I was thinking about the.baby.
I have also looked after my three grandchildren at my house and at theirs.But if it was an early start I always went to their house. It's much less disruptive for the child and I think much better than rushing a baby out of the house in the morning

saraclara · 16/09/2025 17:47

I've always done child care at my house. I'm amazed at the number of GPs on this thread who find it easier to be at the GC's home.

I feel much more relaxed in my own home. I have all the equipment I need, and my son in law (who does the transfers) packs a bag with anything extra that the GC/s might need that day. We do a transfer half way between my house and theirs on his way to work.

At home I can get on with anything I need to do, I know where everything is, and I don't feel like an intruder in someone else's house, always looking for things and having to poke in cupboards etc.

Consequently my DGCs see my house as somewhere they properly belong, and love the routines that we've built up at Grandma's house.

I'm sorry that your relationship with your DIL is a bit too fragile for you to strongly state your preference @icravestardamage , but I totally get why you'd rather do the care at your home.

saraclara · 16/09/2025 17:50

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/09/2025 17:20

It’s up to you ultimately, since you’re the one providing free childcare. My Mum has my kids at her house. Hugely grateful! Of course it would be more convenient for us if she came here but she said she won’t, so fair enough.

My mother in law has my nephew and niece at my brother in law’s house. She would rather have them at hers, but they’ve said no to that and she’s so keen to have them she goes by what they want. They also have loads of cameras in their house and watch her and message her about things when she’s caring for their children. No way my mum would ever stand for that.

So it’s up to you where your boundaries are, really. And it’s up to your daughter in law where hers are as well.

Edited

What?!!! No way would I allow being spied on when I'm doing a favour! That poor MIL.

Original poster

icravestardamage · 16/09/2025 17:50

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/09/2025 17:23

Some things have changed in the past generation, though. For example, my parents used to smack us but no way would that be allowed for my own kids. Similarly, car seat rules are much stricter than they used to be. If you care for your grandchildren exactly the way you cared for your own children in the 1980s, you may end up breaking the law.

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I didn't bring my children up in the 80"s! They are mid 20's
Like I said before I'm 50!!

OP posts:

IneedtheeohIneedtheeeveryhourIneedthee · 16/09/2025 17:58

TimeForATerf · 16/09/2025 17:17

I have my DGD one day a week, at MY house. I have a car seat, a buggy and lots of toys here, and can look after DGD whilst carrying on with my life, you know in the same way as her mum does. I personally think they’re cheeky expecting you to travel there and back and do a full day child care away from your own home.

lots of young girls are very cheeky. We have an entitled generation on our hands and sadly they are raising the future's kids!

ElsieMc · 16/09/2025 17:59

I offer childcare for 2 of my gc's over the past five years. I started off in my own home but now move between the two,dependent on weather etc or what we have arranged.

Tbh, its easier at my dd's. More parks nearby, walks, shops etc. Its a personal preference really. I often take my dogs but they are confined to the kitchen /utility where they go to sleep. They walk to heel with the pram. I get that some would not like this at all. My dd has grown more confident with me and DH over time. Its about compromise but remember your wishes count.

brunettemic · 16/09/2025 18:01

You’re giving her free childcare. You have the child on your terms or not at all. End of discussion.

samlett · 16/09/2025 18:02

Bananaandmangosmoothie · 16/09/2025 17:23

Some things have changed in the past generation, though. For example, my parents used to smack us but no way would that be allowed for my own kids. Similarly, car seat rules are much stricter than they used to be. If you care for your grandchildren exactly the way you cared for your own children in the 1980s, you may end up breaking the law.

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People who are new grandparents now were actual kids in the 80s! In any case they have brains, everyone knows that smacking isn't acceptable now and that kids have carseats. Geez.