To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

We do but we are both fairly aligned in spending and not resentful of each other. When we first bought a house we didn’t but we did pay proportionate amounts based on salary.

its not just the money though it seems for op, they don’t seem generally a partnership .

I think it is unfair. Dh and I pay a proportion of our earnings into the bills so we have the same spends after. Why does your husband want you to have a lesser life style than him. I’d just say you won’t be paying into the bills for the next two months due to needing to put extra into savings.

You can 'just get another job!?' even though for most people it's not possible, and it would mean you're not as happy?

It's difficult once you've already agreed and are living like this. But you're married - this is literally signing a legal contract to share all your worldly goods. Legally half his money is yours. So its really shit that he can't see that splitting in proportion to bills is fair. It's not really a partnership when one 'partner' can afford a luxurious lifestyle and the other is struggling to make ends meet.

By splitting 50 50 you're paying more than your share and are effectively subsidising his wildly expensive hobby

Sounds like the house is your hobby!

But how is he spending 10k on climbing. I used to climb (pre kids and would love to get back into it) and we did it on a shoestring. Even for overseas trips, we would take cheap flights and camp. In the UK it was just gear, petrol money and campsite fees. Is he hiring guides and staying in five star hotels?!

I've never ever said this on a thread before but I assume he must be incredibly physically attractive. Because everything you have said about him makes him appear like a self centred , immature ,unpleasant man who has no idea that marriage involves caring about your spouse, and compromise.
I can think of no other reason for you being married to him.

Well, by his terms it won’t be a problem for the OP if he’s seriously injured and can’t work as she shouldn’t be expected to subsidise him. He’ll have to find a way to pay his 50%

Where did you live before and how were the costs shared then?
I agree if married then you should have a joint pot of money or at least he should be paying proportionally.
However I feel that he doesn't want to do this as he sees the renovations as your choice (and as someone else has said, maybe your hobby). He never wanted this house so maybe he feels it's on you to pay for the work needed.
I don't think you are team and don't have the same priorities - you want him to put money into a shared pot for safety and holidays but does he actually want these holidays? It sounds like he gets his fun from climbing (and as mentioned, climbing doesn't have to be that expensive so it does sound like he is travelling to do this, so perhaps already gets a holiday) so doesn't see not contributing to a shared pot as an issue.

I think you should have had more of a discussion about finances before you got married and bought a house together. If you plan to have children together I would also seriously be questioning his commitment (financially and emotionally).

After reading all your comments, I do think you’re being unreasonable. If the savings were purely an emergency fund then I’d maybe differ my view. However what he’s telling you is that his hobby is more important than a holiday and a lick of paint. If the house is liveable, the decorating is more of a want by you than a need.

In reference to your % split comments, I’m one of those households that is 50:50 and I wouldn’t change it. It wasn’t always like this when my DD was younger and I was PT, however now I’m paying 50% of everything I feel I have a stronger voice than before. If you have the choice to earn more but choose a lower paid industry, that’s your choice and he shouldn’t have to subsidise that. I was the lower earner a couple of years ago, however I unskilled and moved industries, now I think we’re equal however I will likely earn more in a few years and I have no plans to change the % split when that time comes

Do you have children? If not then I think 50:50 is fair enough but it should be to the budget of the lower earner. If you were to split you would want 50% of the house value, not a proportional amount.

If you have some savings put aside I don’t think it is unreasonable to pause for a limited time while the expenditure goes on other jointly beneficial things (like the renovation). Life is for living, we work hard to earn money and what is the point if we can’t enjoy some of it.

Hi OP,

It sounds like he has fundamentally misunderstood the legal/financial concept of marriage in the UK. Were you to separate, everything in a big pot and spearated 50/50 would be the starting point, regardless of individual earnings. Similarly, he'd benefit financially from you doing up the house, even if he's never lifted a finger.

From your post, you seem to want to find a solution, and digging deeper into hair splitting i.e. withdrawing your own contribution from joint savings for 2 months, is probably not a way to resolve anything. Personally, I would be concerned that he doesn't seem interested in partnership, splitting things proportionally so that you both have equal quality of life and disposable income, or that he's not interested in the state of your joint house.

Maybe you ought to get onto Relate and see if they have guides for talking about finances, or maybe it would be worth booking in with a counsellor/mediator if the lack of proportional split is bothering you. If you are aware of it now, the gap will grow, as will the potential resentment.

If you have kids is he going to expect 50/50 bill contributions when you're on mat leave? Is he going to expect you to cover all school clubs? As he outearns you over a career and upon retirement, will he plan trips that you "can't" afford?

Horses - it’s got to be horses.

Have to say I agree with this. We live in a new build (which, by the way, is very much a cosy home that we have made into exactly what we want, and not a "white box with a sofa"). I have a few friends who bought projects to renovate and it is absolutely their hobby and their partners are stuck in a constantly unfinished building site that eats their money. I think it is a bit unreasonable to expect your other half not only to live in a home that's constantly being worked on and which they are only in because they recognise that you really want the house, but also to give up their hobby for "a couple of months" to facilitate yours.

Also, you don't just put down a majorly physical hobby for two months and pick it back up again as if nothing has happened. He would lose a lot of strength over a couple of months if he wasn't climbing.

How much are the renovation costs?

What are your incomes - as PP have said, if he earns (say) £20k more than you, that's a lot at £40/60k, but not really much difference at £100/120k?

Also you talk about you doing the renovations, but then you talk about asking him to do one of the jobs - which is calling a tradesman to do the job. Is you "doing the renovations" just organising tradesmen to do the work (I appreciate that that is work in itself, but it's not the same as doing the work)?

Also, to add:

1. Men absolutely do understand that splitting things proportionally is fair, they just don't want to do it.
2. Any comment about "I thought you would be more generous" is an attempt to make you feel guilt, self-doubt, question if you are tight/unreasonable/materialistic, helpfully deflecting you from an equitable split of expenses.
3. "I shouldn't have to subsidise you" is worrying to hear in a marriage. In theory, you have joined everything you own together and are agreeing to share everything, in sickness and in health, etc.. It is not subsidising one's partner but both of you contributing to a life that is jointly better. People subsidise their unemployed kids because that's what parents do. Splitting expneses proportionally between two FT working adults is just fair.

It sounds like you pushed him into living in a house that needs work, which isn’t for everyone, and are now annoyed with him that he won’t help, and expect him to be grateful too. No wonder he wants to be out of the house a lot.

You sound like a tit for tat couple and it sounds horrible.

I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby.

Well yes, you are right about that. You sound very incompatible.

He sees climbing as his expensive hobby which he pays for, and doing the house up as your expensive hobby which you keep expecting him to contribute to. There isn't really a "we" in your relationship. If he's insisting on 50-50 with the bills then he needs to pay 50-50 to the renovation costs because (in the long run) at least your "hobby" will bring him a financial benefit.

I hope you don't plan to have children with him? Because it sounds as if he will treat having and raising children like another of your expensive hobbies. One that he will have to "subsidise" or that you will have to pay for entirely out of your own income. You'll be worrying about what's best for the children, and what you can cope with, and he wont see any difference, just more things you're expecting him to pay for.

If he's secretive it might be because he's spending more than 10K on the climbing. If he's flying abroad several times a year and and staying in expensive accommodation then he could rack up 10K easily.

He is a knob re the 50:50 thing, but I think you are also being unreasonable

50/50 is unfair to you on the lower wage.
He needs to balance the amount more evenly.

I earn more than DH and we split everything 50/50. I don't feel like I should have to subsidise DH working a lower paid job when I've worked so hard to get to where I am and when DH is capable of earning more money of his own.

You don't need his permission, just work it out and pay yours in proportionately.
You don't 'subsidise' someone in a marriage! You are a team.
He sounds like an arse.

It’s weird to split things 50/50 when you’re married and he earns a lot more. I’m earning very little at the moment (retraining) so my husband pays for most things. You’re supposed to be a partnership.

This. His climbing isn't any more or less important than your desire to prioritise enjoyment of a job over maximising earnings. They're both lifestyle choices, and if one of you is allowed them so is the other.

Classic cars or motorbikes. Or following formula 1.

Agree with this. DH wanted a new build, he has enough stress with work was what he said and didn’t want a home that was work too. Fair enough.

we got a fixer upper but I’m the one who does the organising and arranging and decorating, it’s basically my hobby!

most hobbies are difficult to put down for two months as well.

are you putting money into savings?

£1k is a relatively small amount of money in decorating/reno terms. Is it a job you could have done yourself?