To be unhappy DH prioritises £10K/year hobby over our joint savings?

[Loopylampshade]

I love my DH very much but I feel he doesn’t prioritise our joint future as much as his hobby. This hobby costs him more than 10K a year, which is fine because he earns a good wage and it makes him happy. However, we are also refurbishing a house for which I have done 90% of the work & organising so far, as he despises it and says “you wanted a fixer upper - I just wanted a new build”. He will of course also benefit from the financial value that gets added to the house by the refurb. He recently agreed to pay a £1K decoration project & to take it off my hands. However he now said it also means he won’t contribute for 2 months to our joint savings (which he could easily afford if he would just pause this hobby for 2 months). This is our safety & holiday fund. Am I being unreasonable for feeling that he prioritises his personal happiness over making a sacrifice that will benefit us both (albeit I care more about the refurb than he does)? Perhaps I am already a bit frustrated because he also earns more than I do but we do split mortgage + bills 50/50, meaning I don’t have as much disposable income as he does. Is this a common thing for couples to argue about? I am just sad about it all

I have friends who do rock climbing (I don't)
They're always banging on about how cheap it is to do! They go locally, to actual rocks, not a gym or travelling far.
Something ropey (👍😃) about 10k a year!

Well then. You are no more prioritising your savings than he is.

Then you need to split up. Money is one of the key things where you need the same approach. He sounds like he just wants to be a single man.

And what are you saving for? Surely the house is your biggest investment. Use the savings to finish the work and then start a new pot.

I think YABU. A bit. You don’t understand his passion and he doesn’t understand yours. All fine until children come along and he’s required to compromise in any way.

Sounds like you both have the money you need but does it annoy you that his time is spent on the hobby and not you? Are you planning a family?

It's not that hard. You work out what are joint expenses to be covered by the joint account, how much that comes to each month and how much you need to pay into it each in a proportion to income. And the rest is your own money you can spend on what you like. I can't imagine doing it any other way.

I was reading the OP and thinking about my 5 horses and thinking shit I hope my DP doesn’t feel the same 😆 I’m going to slowly back away from this thread…

Do you have children?

tbh the way you have arranged your lives, you sound like two single people who enjoy some of the perks of being in a relationship without fully committing to each other. It sounds like you keep your finances quite separate, and you separately pursue your own interests and spend money on them without really considering the other person or the overall impact. Are you a team? Bring in a team usually means sharing, going all in at least to some extent.

to answer your question

no it’s not fair, especially 50:50 split when he earns more if you both work ft
yes he is prioritising his hubby over your joint life
yes he is putting his desires over your shared life but this seems to be the arrangement you have jointly come to

yes some couples argue about this. DH and I chucked everything in the joint pot since day one, we agreed to prioritise shared financial security over pretty much everything else.

I can think of another way as it's what we do. Work out how much the joint account needs for bills then look at what a reasonable amount for own fun money is and keep that in own accounts; this needs to be at or less than what the lower earner has left after joint account money. Anything more also goes into the joint account or into joint savings.

I would be very unhappy if my Dh did not want to share his income with me to ensure we had the same quality of life and opportunities. I think it could even be a deal breaker for me.

WIth regards to him halting his hobby for two months, I don’t think that’s right either. They’ll always be a reason why you can do with the money for other things and it’s sets a precedent. You need to see that as an already committed cost.

For me, the house renovation costs need to come out of the savings pot and you need to agree jointly what the sacrifices are if any if money is going on the house. But when you bought it, renovation costs should have been factored into the cost of the house when comparing to the cost of the new buildi

Climbers are good in bed - they're usually very fit and have strong legs. The rest you can teach :)

Do you have kids? This relationship will be a complete car crash with kids in the mix, even if there’s enough money to go round. Agree with a PP who said this is about core values. For him, hobby a priority both in terms of time and expenditure. That’s absolutely fine; but does he have room in his life for prioritising a relationship and all that entails? It sounds like it’s not negotiable and you sound like you aren’t ok with that. Personally I think spending (if you have the money which you do) on life enhancing stuff right now is really important rather than saving up for — what? (Excepting pension.) I’m team DH on spend now on hobby if it makes this week and next week much better, it’s healthy, and you have the money. BUT values clash here. Please figure this out together before you have kids, if you don’t already. Look on the relationship boards for all the threads about hobbies. I have a H with a hobby and it’s been … tough … and for us it’s about time not money (3x DC).

That doesn't sound a lot different to be fair, I won't disagree with you.

Have you posted before about the house, I’ve seen another thread where someone had brought a fixer upper and the husband wanted a new build but because he had the say on the last house he had agreed to this one even though he clearly disliked it.
if it is the same poster this house is always going to cause problems and he will use it to win every argument, citing that he never wanted it in the first place so it’s essentially your problem to fix it up etc

There’s an alarming number of posts here of men expecting partners to cough up 50/50 even when they earn less.

Is there anything you could put in place to ensure you’d receive some extra money from selling the house? 50/50 is unfair when you’re the one footing the bill for all the refurbishment and improvements.

YANBU - it sounds like the financial set up is not fair…start with that- what would fairness look like? You need to sit down together and reorganise money.
The problem all comes from the fact that you’re not both pooling your money. It should all go into one account, everything paid, savings allocated, pensions paid, then fun money evenly split. Then you can spend your fun money on what you each want. This is what he can spend on his hobby.
Current set up is not fair and is taking advantage of you. If he won’t come to the table to organise as a team.. well it tells you what he really thinks of you and your marriage. Good luck x

Renovating the house is your hobby though, if he really couldn't care less about the decor. And presumably it was his wage that allowed you to get the mortgage on this property. I think yabu given that there are no children involved

I think yabu. I'm a chronic house renovator, and to be honest it is the ultimate in expensive hobbies. You can claim it's an investment, but it isn't actually unless you realise it and use the money for something else, which let's face it, is likely to be another expensive renovation...

(I might have felt (a tiny bit) different if it was another hobby, but I've also been addicted to rock climbing and no way would I have given it up 'for a couple of months' for something I didn't really care about! It is not just a hobby, it is essential to your fitness and wellbeing. Do you climb at all?).

The problem with this is that it doesn’t account for time / investments in the family / household work. I suspect that ok you can be fairly clear on money in that its set amounts being paid by each party; but when there’s marriage and children; I bet in 99.9% of cases, the women end up paying their way AND doing the work at home/family AND working equally to their ‘D’H.. which of course is not fair at all and is a huge problem for many women in modern family life. I actually don’t know of a single woman who is in a financial set up like you describe - working and paying their bills as a ratio of earnings - who also has a fair split of the family workload.

I see nothing wrong with him forfeiting 2 months of savings to put towards decorating on a house he didn't want and agreed to under the agreement that you did the majority of the work.

Your money shouldn’t be split 50/50 that’s not equal/ fair if you earn less but I can see why he’s annoyed if he wanted a new build.

working and paying their bills as a ratio of earnings - who also has a fair split of the family workload.
This is me. Higher earner too. We set it up from the beginning and even after DC my expectations didn’t change so it has remained in place.

10k a year isn’t enough for horses!

Your husband sounds insufferable.

He is selfish and doesn't view your relationship as a partnership. You're not a team, it's him and you. Confirms what I have always thought about male climbers tbh.