I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Think about visiting your brother in Australia or friends in Canada. You will have a fantastic time😀

Good Lord, I would not even consider remarking negatively on one of my children’s relationships.
As for being alone at Christmas, you’ve rather painted yourself into a corner. There are however plenty of things you can do. Surely you have friends? Otherwise, volunteer, go on holiday, or just get yourself something you like to do and have a quiet Christmas.
Oh, and sincerely apologies to your children.

Sounds like a situation entirely of your own making.

Would your friends in Canada have you? I would just quietly make plans to do something amazing.

Only tell dd, not your sons. Also stop giving them money.

Have you posted about her before? This sounds familiar.

You’ve been really daft. He’s obviously quite smitten with her; he was never going to choose you over her. What on earth were you thinking saying anything other than, ‘Well that’s given me plenty to think about. More wine anyone?’ I suspect she’s a strong woman with strong opinions and so are you. And you’ve clashed. Did they really discuss her drug use with you though?

This year is clearly going to be a write off as far as spending it with any of your DC. I’d suggest you either book to go away somewhere or volunteer to help somewhere. And if you want to see them at any future occasions, I’d suggest you apologise and make them believe you mean it. Otherwise this may well be the first of many years you find yourself on your own.

They don't want to spend the day with you because you are judgemental. I think that's fair enough. You're entitled to your opinions and they are entitled to not listen to them.

What are you going to do instead OP?

I remember reading a thread about a wealthy Italian girlfriend who the OP hosted and who said over dinner that the OP was fat and English women were ugly or something (charming manners!)

You obviously disapprove of her and they’re saying ‘ok disapprove away from us then’. Nobody wants to spend Christmas with their mum forcing herself to be civil but clearly hating a guest. Sounds awful.

I think this Christmas it’s best to accept this and either make other plans, or just relax at home and have a year off so to speak.

Going forward I would try to make a genuine apology and build bridges. Your DS’s GF does sound quite intense but she is really young and likely to change a lot. It may turn out her heart is in the right place. By the sounds of it she has had a less than ideal time, losing her mother and having a father who is prepared to just throw money at her that he presumably knows is funding self destructive and dangerous habits. I would hate the cocaine use too, but there is nothing you can do about any of it. If she is isn’t right for him DS will realise this in his own time, but he is never going to be persuaded of it by you.

I would tell them to have a great time and that you hope that next time you can make GF feel much more welcome since you’d love to get to know her more and any impassioned discussion was nothing personal. Be the adult in the room. Be blameless. Let the rest work itself out.

If you do have to hear a lot of her opinions again and find yourself feeling offended, just try having a few scripted, noncommittal but genuine responses ready…it’s really good to hear someone who has really thought about/really cares about this. I love your passion about this! It is really good for me to hear new perspectives. You’ve given me a lot to think about. This is obviously something you’ve really studied. I think a lot of people share your feelings about that.

I'm not saying that was this OP, just that there was a similar wealthy continental girlfriend

I'm sorry this is so upsetting OP. It's very challenging isn't it, being alone at Christmas. I don't know if it helps, but I properly hate Christmas. I'm stressed and anxious even thinking about it. It's so tied up with expectations, obligations, expense, intense time with family, uncomfortable stays in other people's houses, excessive eating, and having to manage other people's feelings. My mum I think loves Christmas and it causes me upset to know that she is upset about Christmas not being what it once was before it's even the end of the Summer.

I think I would be very happy to be alone at Christmas but I can see for you it's associated with gathering your family around you and rekindling that feeling of togetherness. I guess it bites to see that's gone, with your children now different people, and other people in the mix. They'll be needing to make their own traditions and will be having their own families, and I'm afraid going forward you'll be very much a second thought. I know that feels dreadful, but it's a sign that you have succeeded as a parent, they are ready to go into the world.

Carry on... you may as well kiss them all goodbe now. You sound jealous of her more than snything.

How do you know about her “recreational cocaine habit”, I’d never in a million years years have told my parents my partner did cocaine.

Presumabley DS1 and “everyone does it” includes himself.

They had a massive falling out at the start of the year before Easter and DS was really upset he told me a lot about her life etc. and went back anyway.

How is it harming your son? She’s not forcing coke up his nose. He’s a grown man.

Literally the only problem you have with this woman is that she has strong political opinions that aren’t the same as yours. What does it matter to you what she thinks about these issues? She’s not harming anyone by expressing these views. She doesn’t appear to be bigoted. I don’t agree with all of what she believes, but she’s clearly not just spouting off from a position of ignorance and I don’t really understand why you’re offended by any of it. Why do you care what she thinks about capitalism or the UN? If she was, eg, being racist or advocating for eugenics or something like that, that would be a different matter, but she’s merely expressing her own views on economics and world affairs.

You sound like a very difficult person to be around.

I think you’ve done well to make it until now to have Christmas on your own.
A single mum friend of mine does volunteering on Christmas Day when her children are at their dad’s for Christmas.

@PinkFlloyd I really doubt that most parents would be jealous of someone like the gf. Being polite and respectful towards your partner’s parents is basic manners and she hasn’t managed that.

Can you visit your brother this Christmas?

OK, her opinions are on the extreme side of the left maybe but that is VERY typical.of a 24 year old. My dad used to joke when I was in my 20s that every time he turned on the news, he was afraid I'd be on there chained to a tree protesting about Palestine (this was 15 years ago). The key thing is you nod and laugh to yourself and let it wash over you. She's young, thinks she's the bees knees, whatever. You should really know better than to get into any kind of political debate with a 20 year old. Also, some of the things she is criticising the UK for sound about right to me (and I am a pretty conservative middle aged woman now).

You need to apologise. Profusely. Tell DS you got carried away, you've reflected in it and you love them both too much to let this stand in the way of your relationship. Tell him your door is always open to both of them and leave it at that.

You will probably still spend Christmas alone this year but you need to think about the future 20 Christmases.

‘… her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.’

She sounds great fun. I like her already. 😃

'O, wad some Power the giftie gie us To see oursels as others see us! It wad frae monie a blunder free us, An' foolish notion.”

Rabbie Burns wrote those words nearly 240 years ago and they are as true now as when they were written. I'm so sorry you are so hurt, when you thought things were fine, but clearly your sons have a different take on things. Do something different this year and don't try to emotionally blackmail them into changing their minds. Apologise Sincerely in the New Year and try to build bridges and please do try to be honest with yourself and look at how you might change things to repair the damage.

They added you to a group chat, complained about you as if you weren't there, announced they weren't coming to your house for Christmas although they'd already accepted the invitation, and then left the chat before you had a chance to reply? I'd be annoyed that my children are rude, but I'd also have to realise there's nothing I can do about that now that they are adults. Also, don't fall into the trap of blaming the girlfriend; she may or may not be any number of things but she's not forcing your son to do or say anything, he has free will.

As for Christmas, I'd put aside who is or is not being unreasonable and plan what you'll to do instead of hosting this year. If you really think that staying home and either ignoring Christmas, doing a scaled-down version for yourself (and any guests you might invite for the day), or doing something different like volunteering on the day will be upsetting, perhaps consider going away yourself?

Personally I don’t think adults cut off their parents like this without valid reason so you need to introspect.

She does sound awful, but of course you should not have allowed yourself to be drawn in a political debate - lesson learned I suppose. Just be gracious and loving going forward and at the appropriate moment you can apologize for getting off on the wrong foot, that sort of thing. It is definitely going to have to be you eating humble pie here OP. Not because you are in the wrong, but just to restore family harmony.

If your son ends up with this girl long term you can always hope she mellows with age but you might in in for a lifetime of biting your tongue. If your son is happy that is the main thing right?

It's not the end of the world to be alone at Christmas, but it's also okay to be sad about it at the same time. Try to plan some nice things you will enjoy.

You do know that Marx and Engels wrote the Communist Manifesto (Das Kommunistische Manifest)? All this time I was scratching my head as to how on Earth you could be thinking my comment of “Marxist rabbit hole” in the context of “Communism” could be at all related to Marx’s economic theories instead of his authorship of the Das Kommunistische Manifest, aka the Manifesto of the Communist Party 1848 (Manifest der Kommunistischen Partei in 1848.)

Then eureka! It hit me, you must be slightly confused. 🫤

This manifesto is a guidebook on how to create a communist society (utopia, fantasy, theory) and the USSR was Lenin taking and putting into practice this product of mostly Marxist ideas ( if you ever take the time to read the letters between Marx and Engels from when they were collaborating on the Manifesto which is why historians list Marx as the primary author).

As for what my DD and I have disagreed on, you will have to trust me that it was communism and not Marxist economic or social theory. Especially since you were not an ear on the wall.