I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

Unless your children are at risk of genuine harm from a partner you never ever comment negatively.

@TheOtherAgentJohnson Neither of them comes out of this well tbh. In the OP’s shoes, I’d let the dust settle and don’t discuss politics in future.

My DH’s family have very diverse opinions and they don’t talk politics because they love each other and value their personal relationships. You can be kind and loving towards a family member without agreeing with them on everything.

Personally I think recreational cocaine habits funded by her father in Berlin and Mayfair clubs is a pretty damaging habit to be around. However I also appreciate they are adults and free to date whoever they like.

@Brazien I imagine that if your DS isn’t into drugs, he’ll eventually tire of someone who’s regularly high and/or drunk.

There is some really nice Christmas cruise deals.
There is many solo travellers over Christmas.
I wouldn't ask them to stay with you again, don't mention anything about it to DD1, she'll have been pre-warned about their plans.
Make plans for you.

It does sound like she is young and yes, a bit arrogant, and far from being “sophisticated”, hasn’t much idea of how to act at a family dinner — and your sons confuse this with being admirable when it’s actually rude and rather juvenile. I suspect it will take them a while to get out of this mindset. I would step away gracefully for the moment and book a holiday.

But honestly, I would not be apologising or taking the girlfriend out for coffee as some posters have suggested. I would let your DD tell her brothers that they and girlfriend have really upset and offended you, their mum; and then when they start to miss their family Christmas they may well find that they want to apologise.

Carpe Diem, op! Let this be the year that you demonstrate to your dc that you are person in your own right with your own life to lead, which doesn’t necessarily involve them. They’ve presented you with a fait accompli this year, for whatever reason. So be it. Please don’t sit at home on Christmas Day wallowing in disappointment. Your church or other organisations will be hosting Christmas meals or arranging visits for people in the local community. Get involved. Turn your negative feelings about Christmas this year into something positive. I’m sure you’ll get to host Christmas with your family in the future, when feelings aren’t running so high and circumstances may have changed (and they’re feeling really guilty!) From now on, though, when faced with trying partners, just nod and smile…

I cant see the point of being upset about being on your own ..ONE Xmas.‼️

Blimey , i have spent the last 28 years on my own..Xmas , New year and Birthdays .
I only have one older sister who spends Xmas in Australia.
One cousin who is also older with her own family and live miles away .

I dont mind it at all , in facy i prefer it over stupid family arguments and troubles .
I am probably much older than you too at 69 .

Learn to love your own company and not rely on others .

My mother once enthusiastically said I should have children, because "we need more white people", apparently forgetting that we are childfree by choice, and that my husband is mixed race. One of the many reasons I refuse to discuss any kind of politics with her, or my sister, who is equally nuts and full of "inflammatory opinions".

I won't spend Christmas with my sister anymore, because she deliberately baits me with this shit the whole time, and it inevitably kicks off at some point. I would spend it with my mother, because she's better at keeping things cool and staying on the safe topics, but I live a long way from them both so they tend to spend it together.

@greengagesummers I can’t imagine speaking to DH’s parents in that way or my DD (20) speaking to a partner’s parents like that. It makes me cringe thinking about it!

Ahh OP, she sounds annoying and full of herself, yes. But you picked a fight with your son’s girlfriend. That was not a fight you were ever going to win. Absolute rooky error.

I think having them for Christmas is not going to happen this year sadly. Can you book yourself a really good holiday just for you ?

More generally, to repair the relationship you are going to have to eat humble pie, apologise and from now on bite your tongue. Emotionally guilting your sons that you will be alone at Christmas is not a good start- that will only make them more resentful.

Let this one go. Take some space. Do some reflection. Let your frustration with this annoying woman out somewhere else. Make your own fun plans for Christmas. Then when you are feeling more emotionally robust, start afresh with your sons, beginning with a sincere apology for your cortical comments about the gf.

@TheOtherAgentJohnson Yep, DH’s family sticks to safe topics too!

I agree. I think also build bridges with the girlfriend. She does sound like a poncy twat but you can hold your powder dry on that.

I think you should go on a cruise and have daily spa treatments.

It's a must.
Anyone who tries to poke the bear is politely stared down. 😅

There is a reason people don’t like talking about politics and religion 😬

Did you post about this at the time, it sounds familiar?

Even if you were rude the way they have done this to put you in your place is out of order. Obviously I’m saying this not knowing if there is any back story.

i would certainly not be grovelling to them, they have made their call now you make yours, don’t contact them, wait for them, however hard it may be, and plan something special for yourself, but don’t tell them. They seem to think they are punishing you and that may be true but you dont need to show them that. Book a holiday, cruise, country estate break anything where you will meet other people and can enjoy Christmas on your own.

Yes, exactly! I remember meeting my then partner’s parents in their country when I was about 24. They were also from a different European country (not France), and I was also educated and had lots of political opinions. However, they never once heard any of my political opinions because I knew perfectly well not to air them loudly at the dinner table! I was extremely complimentary about their country and deferential to their views as I was terrified of offending them. I would have been mortified to be mouthing off at their family dinner table about anything at all. It’s just not the time or place!

You've brought this on yourself. It is NEVER a good idea to openly dislike an adult child's partner in front of them and partner. Because it will result in situations like this and then there's not much you can do.
You must see what you've done?
You seem to think there's some way you can argue your way out of this when being hostile got you into it in the first place.
Really all you can do now is wait it out.
Do not make it worse by doubling down or trying to make yourself understood.
Just say sorry simply, then give space.
That's literally all you can do.
I hope you take some of the advice here because you will ruin your relationship with your sons if you carry on thinking you can change this with force.

Take their inheritance money and book yourself a super lavish, Christmas holiday.

I think you have to go further down the road of accepting that your children are free to make their own choices….all the way down until you accept that if you want them in your life you have to take them as they are. You don’t have to, you can’t stick with putting your values and principle first and be true to yourself/have integrity (I’m guessing that’s how you’ll see thing). But then you have to accept you’ll lose them. Your children are allowed to make different choices.

Chances are very high that because of how they were raised - by you - deep down their choices won’t be so very different after all. Yes, the girlfriend may be a pillock on first appearances, but odds are that’s not what your DS saw in her and that this is really a culture shock. You’re not Reform and think that would be ridiculous: you just sound like different shades of liberal/progeessive. Is it really worth falling out over? She’ll be a decent person in there, and you’re a bit ridiculous taking personal offence to whatever given you’re old enough to be her mother and she’s just a young girl in the absolute flush of peak youth (and you have to knock the whole “funded by her dad” thing on the head. What’s that got to do with you?). You need to stop pinning the blame on her.

Finally be careful you don’t cast perfect DD into the golden child role. Not fair on her, not fair on the boys, and pretty self-indulgent. Of course the French girlfriend is going to compare unfavourably - she’s not your daughter, and you sound extremely “me and mine” about all this.

@AliceMcK Yeah, I wouldn’t be grovelling either. Sit tight and let everyone calm down.

TLDR I don't like my son's girlfriend

But if you think that, you're only supposed to think it. You said it out loud didn't you? 😬

Lesson learned on that one! I did mention it to DS and he said “it’s recreational, she’s not an addict it’s not every week, everyone does it in those places”

Is there the possibility that they actually just wanted to go snowboarding this Xmas, so have made more of a previous disagreement about politics? All this creating a WhatsApp group with partners, then ceremoniously leaving one by one is very childish and performative.

I could well imagine a man in his 20s being persuaded by the 'exciting' girl who's shagging him that his mother only disagrees with her out of sheer envy, especially if she has a big ego and is used to getting her own way. Men the world over do have extensive form for siding with pretty young women.

Sounds like she's suggested a snow filled week (in more ways than one!) as an alternative to your usual Xmas offering and the others have jumped at the suggestion.

I'd do as others say and plan your own exciting Xmas abroad. Don't be the victim and have your own travel experiences to share next time you see them all. Steer clear of politics though and just nod politely at her opinions.

Sounds to me as if she made some well thought through and structured arguments that you were unable to respond to in a similar way, so stamped your feet and effectively said ‘my house my rules’

The reality is that as children grow up then the Christmas en-familie routine will go from every Christmas to, at best, one in 2 or one in 3. So you need to make your life around that pattern or you’ll be permanently disappointed and annoyed.