I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I agree girlfriend didn’t text. But people are not perfect, she is the cause of it, so it’s understandable, op hold her responsible for it and is bitter about her.

I can’t say for sure what op wrote says a little about op. If your adult son was getting serious with some one who like parties, drugs and strong debating / arguing on holidays over politics which are a no- no topic for many people, have breakups and then patching up and treat you like this, you would be upset too. You are expecting op to act perfect on an anonymous forum while she is upset.

Yes I think there is definitely ageism, you are right. But I also feel much of it is self-recognition in terms of many of us identifying with the character in the role of a DIL on these threads. To some extent it is normal that there is a sense of wanting to feel secure in our primary relationships, and obviously a partner's family is another emotional tie for him. Properly managed, those family links are healthy things - and I wish people could see how healthy - but on here people give vent to their insecurities in the same way that a tug of war is an all-out battle on sports day: don't wonder if you actually need all that rope to be comfortable - just pull.

You see this in all the suggestions of mums having some variety of oedipal "jealousy" of their DIL, when I'm sure in reality the average mum very much wants as lovely a partner for their son as possible. Wanting the best for your dc comes with the hat. Of course they may disagree as to what constitutes lovely, but I don't think it is a dark or sinister motive behind that disagreement. And oftentimes, I am sure, they are right. I've seen that play out a lot.

It really doesn't hurt to let a mother see her son on Christmas Day. They could go ski-ing between Boxing Day and New Year. But no, it had to be a total vanquish: deliver the news by group chat, leave the group chat and OP must find solace in serving soup at a soup kitchen on Christmas Day, amongst other thoughtful suggestions on here.

I think it is important for women to realise much of this MIL bashing is fed by their own insecurities.

Interignis - that wasn’t directed at you personally! It was a suggestion to the gf.

You clearly don’t like her and I’m sure you have realised that it was a mistake to speak so frankly to your son while they had broken up. Chalk that up to experience and try to smooth the waters.

If I were you I’d apologise and try to clear the air. If you don’t, the resentment will fester and your relationship may be irretrievably damaged. Sure, she sounds very different to you but if she’s your son’s choice then you may have to put up with it.

They have chosen to do something different for Christmas this year and they are adults so you have to accept it. Wish them a lovely holiday and book yourself on something - a cruise or a fabulous hotel. It may not be the Christmas you want, but try to make the best of it and don’t guilt trip them.

Why do you see the girlfriend as the cause of it and not the OP? The OP couldn't simply keep her opinions about this woman from her son or her other children, or put them nicely, and do you really think the girlfriend is some sort of witch who has manipulated several adults to all take her side? She doesn't have to be nice about her, but she can't even say a single thing without then dropping in some tinkly laugh bitchery. So perhaps OP's children are just all fed up of it.

Stepford wife. So you can either be a drug taking, avalanche chasing, cool party girl or a stepford wife, there are no other options for women?

Aren't we all in favour of loudly voiced opinions though? I thought that was the GF's redeeming quality, what made her so compelling and OP so jealous of her?

From the original post, it reads as though your children view you as disposable, especially the son who sided with his brother, because you don't like his girlfriend. Does he not have a spine? As the girlfriend is young and pretty and probably has good connections, they're bending over backwards to accommodate her. As for DD, perhaps she doesn't want to feel left out and succumbing to pressure as well. They all sound fickle.

And with a super-exciting lifestyle funded by her Daddy too - what’s not to like?

She sounds cool.

Yeah... cooool.😂

As a mother of 5 young adult sons, I read your post with interest. Two of my sons have GF that they live with - both in other states. I suspect my level of affection of my oldest's GF is similar to your situation. They were both here a few weeks ago when, while we were all discussing a wedding they had recently attended that she announced "my family and I do not respect religion" (we are practicing catholics) and when they are forced to go to mass (her mothers family is catholic so I imagine those events are funerals?)that her brothers and father take the "round thing you are supposed to eat and put it in their pocket". I don't know how I did it, but I kept my mouth closed. It was so hard but I have realized that if it comes down to her or me, I will lose every time. He and I were able to talk about it later and he said he was as stunned as I was and that she had never said anything like that before.

Because girlfriend insisted on a political debate when she was invited to OP’s house on Easter. Do you go to people’s home for religious holidays and then start heavy debating on seriously dividing topics and knowing that op is a church goer, she made a nasty comment about Christians.

Why do you think it’s ok for gf to comment on bf’s sister’s weight?

There is a lot of ageism on this thread.

None of that is ageism and I don't think most of this thread is either. As someone else said - if the son had posted everyone would be telling him never to go to Christmas at hers ever again!

Sadly I'm afraid we love a good debate at ours, saying she refused to go to a church is hardly spitting on a communion wafer at the garden table, and while I wouldn't say that about someone's weight I know enough French women who would speak to each other like that!!

We aren't going to agree, but I feel there's a lot more to this than all of her children just randomly being pied pipered by a hot twenty something.

Your last paragraph is dripping with jealousy. Your poor son.

You have made it really clear you don't like her because she's not the kind of woman who's going to let you call the shots in her relationship, like where your adult kids spend their Xmas as well as there being political, culturaldifferences and you looking down on her even for what sports she chooses to do.

Your sons were going to pull away at some point, and your daughter might follow if you don't wind your condescension and sanctimony in.

I'm not talking about what the OP said to the girlfriend, but to her son after the temporary breakup. The OP isn't required to like her, obviously. The OP, however, is now realising that delightedly vocalising your intense dislike of an adult child's ex on the assumption that they'll stay broken up has repercussions.

Based on OP’s description of their exchange, she said ‘I think’ when offering her opinion, not ‘I know’, or ‘you’re wrong’. There was nothing arrogant and/or self aggrandizing about anything she said, and imo she sounded measured, inquisitive and thoughtful whilst having a completely normal and dinner-appropriate conversation.

’Humility’ - you mean deference? Her only crime seems to be that she didn’t realize that she wasn’t supposed to engage in debate, and was instead expected to meekly nod and agree with OP.

@user1473878824 So when I’m invited to my neighbors’ to celebrate Diwali in October as I usually am, it’ll be fine for me to make comments on Hinduism?

Hmm, I wonder. 🤔

After all these posts I'm interested in what you see as the way forward @Brazien

She worries about the sports because they are dangerous.

It is up to her sons as adults if they want to do dangerous things, but it isn't a bizarre or unnatural response in a mother who has probably lived long enough to have experienced friends or family ending up on the wrong side of those activities.

That's not to say I think she can stop him, or even that she should try to, but I think it is only fair to acknowledge it isn't some monstrously deformed character trait in her that it might upset her.

Be a little understanding. She is being told she mustn't share her feelings with her family, because that's controlling, and now she can't even share them on here. Give her a break.

Because OP has openly slagged off her son's partner to pretty much everyone who will listen - that's a thoroughly unpleasant way to behave.

Yes, the WhatsApp wasn't ideal but I suspect it was planned that way so that OP couldn't play them all off against each other.

She is 24! Why shouldn't she have fun and race down slopes in Chamonix? I was doing the same at that age. I have since had a very successful and varied career, part of which involved racing down ski slopes.
I have still settled down, married, had kids. But not at 24.

Your judgement drops out of every post. And still you wonder why the younger generation prefer her company to yours.

I will apologise for the harsh comments on her character (especially as DD believe DS plans to propose “soon”).

For Christmas this year I will probably do something at home, my DD has said she will bring her family around on Christmas Eve. Canada or cruise etc. would be lovely but I would hate to impose myself on my friends and I enjoy going to my own church on Christmas Day.

I don't think denigrating religion at an Easter lunch is ever a normal or appropriate conversation for such an occasion. In fact I'd call it utterly tone-deaf, regardless of cultural differences. I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this.

I haven’t read all the replies and I seem to be in the minority but leaving your mum alone at Christmas is a horrible thing to do.
I’m Irish and older so maybe my opinions about extended family are different but I don’t know anyone who would do so (unless their parent was completely toxic and they had disowned them).

There is obviously a situation here and unless we have both sides of the story, it’s very hard to give advice. The daughter-in-law doesn’t know how to behave with a future mother-in-law - shouldn’t she be on better behaviour around her snd not be so antagonistic? They only meet up once in a while - why ruin it with divided opinions. The son is amother one who doesn’t know social niceties- don’t discuss religion or politics around the dinner table (again when you only see them once in a while).

Maybe the OP shouldn’t have discussed her opinions of the daughter in law with the son. I suppose she just wants best for the son and she doesn’t see the daughter-in-law as that. You have to let your kids choose for themselves I suppose. Although I wouldn’t like it if my partner was an ass to my parent.