I will be spending Christmas alone and my children do not care

[Brazien]

Hello,

I have 3 adult children, my eldest DD is 31, she is married and has a gorgeous little boy who is 11 months old. They spent last Christmas with me and DD already made it clear they would be doing one Christmas with us and another with her husbands family which is obviously totally fine and understandable. My next child is my DS who is 27 and then my youngest DS who is 25.

I would say I generally have a very positive relationship with all of my children, we talk relatively frequently and haven’t until now had a large falling out, they haven’t ever raised any issues with me in terms of our relationship and have historically initiated and planned visits. I am divorced and have been for many years, I have no close relatives as both of my parents have passed away and my only brother lives in Australia.

I absolutely love hosting Christmas, it is the highlight of my year. When my children’s father and I divorced we actually agreed he would get Boxing Day and New Years Eve (our children were still small when I got divorced) in exchange for me getting Christmas as it matters so much to me. I have hosted Christmas every year since I got married at 23, I never complain about hosting or resent doing this, like I said it’s the highlight of my year. As my children have grown it has of course meant some years I’ve had all of them home and others just one but never have they left me alone for Christmas and I’d actually say they have instead made quite a bit of effort between themselves to ensure someone is always around to spend Christmas with me.

Tonight I was added to a group text message chat, it included myself, both of my DS and their respective partners. DS1 has been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half, DS2 has been with his boyfriend for a year. My eldest son then sent a message, I’ll paraphrase but it effectively said that due to my attitude and opinions in regards to his girlfriend he will not be spending Christmas with me this year as he would like to spend it with her and refuses to expose her to my “inflammatory” opinions. He said he his brother and their partners have all booked to go skiing/snowboarding instead. They then all left the group message chat before I was able to reply.

First of all, this is not a way in which my son would ever normally speak to me, it was very defensive and accusatory in tone. Second of all, the opinions he is referring to are from a conversation I had with him following a large family get together for Easter. She is 24, French and seems to have an extremely elevated ego and level of confidence that borders on arrogance. I know she has a poor relationship with her own father (her mother has passed) but he none the less funds her life which consists entirely of expensive pastimes (snowboarding, tennis, concerts) and seemingly getting drunk, using drugs and partying.

At Easter she mentioned politics, which isn’t something I’d be keen to talk about over a family meal normally but my DS said that if we can’t have a friendly debate then we seal ourselves into an echo chamber of our own beliefs. She was totally unwilling to hear me out, and kept citing her multilingual abilities, degree and “travels” as reason she clearly knew much better than I, about politics, in Britain, a country she has only lived in for about 2 years. I shut the conversation down and said this is clearly unproductive. I then told my son afterwards that I had found her attitude to be filled with arrogance. She has also blank out refused to attend my nephews wedding as it was in a church and my DD told me that soon after she gave birth she said to her “if you ever want to play tennis or go to Pilates I will go with you; I’m sure you’re dying to shed the baby weight”. DD found this quite upsetting at the time but DS refused to call her out for it.

In terms of Christmas, both of my DS had said they would be spending this year with me, DS1 did not spend last year with me but DS2 did. I was looking forward to this and despite my dislikes of his girlfriend’s attitude, I made it clear she was also invited, as was DS2s boyfriend.

I called DS1 after the message in the group message chat and explained that I had never meant to cause offence to his girlfriend or to him for that matter and only ever shared opinions as she has always seemed so keen to be forthcoming with her own. I told him that I would be spending Christmas alone and I found that very upsetting and asked him to reconsider, I also offered to cover any costs associated with rescheduling their trip. He told me quite plainly it is not his problem that I would be alone and that he felt like I did not approve of his girlfriend and would never approve of him dating someone “intelligent, gorgeous and cultured” as it would make me “insecure”. Again this is never a way he has spoken to me before. He then hung up.

I then called DS2 who said that he was sorry I would be alone but he feels they’ve given me enough time to make other arrangements and that he feels that his brother is right that I clearly don’t like his girlfriend and he wants to show a stand of support to his brother and his girlfriend who he said he thinks is brilliant. He claimed I only don’t like her as she doesn’t conform to my expectations of a polite “basic” girl who just wants to get married and go on family holidays every year.

While I would say I don’t massively like her, I’m an adult and totally capable of being perfectly civil towards her. More so the reasons I don’t like her have nothing to do with her beliefs but her sheer arrogance, ego and reckless lifestyle, funded entirely by her father.

AIBU to be quite upset by this and to believe this is most likely coming from his girlfriend? How should I approach this going forward?

I agree with going on a trip too - Christmas in Oz with your brother and his family? A Norweigan cruise to see the Northern Lights? Istambul so you can avoid Christmas altogether?

Or if you stay home, have a new type of Christmas Dayv- food and wine that you love, new pyjamas to spend the day in, a new book.

And show your kids you're having a good time - don't let your sons know you miss them, it will make them feel guilty and then they'll decide it's all your fault they feel bad.

The girlfriend sounds awful, your DS sounds very immature, hopefully she'll leave him for someone who can keep her if her father gets tired of it.

I had every second Christmas without my DS from 8 to 14, as he had to go to his dads - he refused when he turned 15 - and I really did have a good day - tv, book, bath, endless cheese, so I tell my DS I had a lovely day, so he wouldn't miss me too much. I was of course much happier when he was with me, but it wasn't awful without him.

Maybe suggest a meet up after Christmas, for a couple of drinks, and to exchange presents. And you can tell them about your faboulas trip, or lovely day.

I see your point OP, if she was over emphasising her travel as the reason why she's more intelligent etc that doesn't come across well, yes I'm sure she is but obviously it's not very considerate to push that her experiences make her more qualified than you and she should have facilitated a more respectful discussion but you also should give her some grace, and not take it so seriously. What particular issue were you discussing. I do think it makes quite a lot of difference depending on what your and hers opinions were.

The comment towards your DD, also sounds like she can't read the room, it's fine to suggest getting together to work out but I don't understand commenting on anyone's body at all. So on that I think she's in the wrong but you have gone OTT with bringing it up with DS that she's arrogant, and you don't exactly talk about her lifestyle with a sense of kindness. I'd apologise to her about how it's gotten off, and also say that you respect her and think highly of her, talk to your son as well, be sincere but also considerate of what they are saying. If you really want to repair the issues sometimes you have to reach out first

I think the way they told you was cruel and very humiliating, especially to add their partners in the chat.
It's clear you don't like his girlfriend, I would accept their decision and move on. Don't be making this situation worse or you could lose the two of them, though why they couldn't pick up the phone and explain is baffling!
Go to Australia or Canada and spend the holiday with people who enjoy your company!

I don't think it is coming from his girlfriend but as the mother of sons myself I have realised they will always put their partners first. It does say something though that your other son agrees with his brother so maybe your words to the girlfriend were a bit too much, plus calling her arrogant to your son, even if she is you will need to bite your tongue in future Could you afford to visit your brother for Christmas? otherwise just spoil yourself eat what you want watch what you want on tv ect.It is only one day and next year you know you can spend it with your daughter

Definitely go away. Ever been on a cruise?

@Brazien I’m intrigued to know what the difference of opinion was about. Was it immigration, Palestine or just general politics? Both immigration & Palestine are quite divisive topics currently.

This is more than Christmas tbh & it seems a bit unkind to set up a group chat, write something like that & then leave the chat. They ought to have spoken to you in person.

You need to just embrace the day & find a focus going forward that doesn’t involve hosting. It sounds like DD will come next year.

You've neatly swerved revealing what your inflammatory opinions actually are, OP. Just opted for a brutal character assassination of your potential future daughter in law. Mental that they don't want to spend Christmas with you.

I'm going against the grain here. I think it's really cold of your sons to do this. They didn't have to both be elsewhere the same year. Either both or one of them could have said they'd do 23rd or 24th with you before jetting off. My siblings and I have always taken turns hosting parents. We have the necessary conversations behind the scenes to ensure they'd never be alone. In my experience of my own brothers, my friend's brother's - it's always the wives of the boys who dictate the relationship of their partners/husbands with their parents. Whether that be a force of warmth and kindness or the opposite, men seem to just roll with it. They want an easy life and it's easier to go with the wife's wishes than to stand up for what's right. In your shoes, I'd probably volunteer at a shelter for the day if you've no other family about. There's nothing you can say to them in any case.

The best you can hope for, once your children partner up, is that your family all gets together every second year for Christmas. That is reality as your kids have an extra family to consider and also their own dreams for holidays.

Apologise without reservation and never again express a view on how DS's girlfriend earns a living, or her arrogance.
Do not discuss religion or politics hotly with anyone.
Wish your sons a lovely skiiing Christmas.

You will have time to repair the relationships in time for Christmas 2027 - though don't expect to be hosting.

Create new Christmas traditions of hosting for a few single friends or helping setup, cook and arrange a lovely Christmas for local homeless shelter.

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

Most people, myself included, with adult children in relationships will always have to accept that their kids won’t spend every Christmas with them so just accept their decision and book a holiday instead

What an empathetic response. Don’t know why the op is being treated so unkindly. Yes she was heavy handed but is acknowledging this and learning from it.

So many posters on here describe narcissistic, emotionally disengaged parents who damaged their lives. Wanting to throw a lovely Christmas party for your family isn’t the worst thing

Sorry for multi posts

Gosh it covered all sorts, gender ideology, immigration, Palestine, Brexit, cultural integration following immigration etc. Then spiralled into her effectively saying soldiers are no better than murderers if the government who controls them are corrupt and into philosophy of moral relativism, modern warfare and her finishing her whole rant with “I’d rather go to hell than heaven if heaven is bound to the same rules Christian’s are” knowing full well I had just been to church!

Re: the baby weight thing, this is likely just a cultural difference. I have several German, Dutch and French friends, and they are alarmingly direct compared to Brits. They really don't have the horror and embarrassment around discussing weight that we do. Also, as a very general rule, French women are quite fixated on losing baby weight asap. Unlikely it was personal.

I really like this response. Just do something completely different. It is just a day, and it is SO overrated, and often involves, even in the closest families some element of (someone) not really doing what they want, what an absolute delight to be able to choose to do what you bloody please. We did years of schlepping between both sets of parents miles apart with 4 kids in tow, and whereas I was very grateful for the hospitality, and the kids do remember it fondly, the logistics, and who was having who when, because X family member can only come then and the endless eating and drinking sometimes made me wish I was literally anywhere else, even work ! Your children may have been clumsy in saying that your "ideal" Christmas is not theirs, but they have been forthcoming as to why there are issues, some of which has hurt you. But do reflect on these going forward, and try and make a different plan for Christmas that focuses on you, not you trying to make them do something. Hope this helps x

Even if you had the best relationship with your children and their partners it was unrealistic of you to expect that they would always want to spend Christmas with you for ever and ever, they have their own separate lives now. I have adult children and grandchildren myself and we always have a big Christmas gathering at our house although not necessarily on Christmas Day itself. You’d be hard pressed to find a bigger Christmas fan than me and my house is decorated to within an inch of it’s life but it’s not about the actual day it’s about being with the people you care about. I’ve had to bite my tongue many times over the years at some of the partners my children have had, but it’s not about me and as long as my children are happy in their relationships that’s fine. It. Sounds like you don’t like the partner but I am sure they have good points you could focus on otherwise you are going to alienate all your children. Do you want to be “right” or have a good relationship with your children?

Again, no acknowledgment at all that your pert opinions might have offended anyone. Only hers could possibly have been out of order, because yours are definitely correct and she's an arrogant forriner.

Sigh, you’re on thin ice. It’s not entirely your fault, but neither are you blameless.
Few thoughts

• You say they always initiate and plan visits. You should reciprocate and initiate and plan some visits as well.

• You expect them to always come to you for Christmas. Stop that. Try and remember being 25-31….how would you have felt if you had to initiate, plan and visit your parents for Christmas every year or on a rotating basis with any siblings? How would such an expectation with the emotional burden of it being your mother’s “highlight of her entire year” feel to you when in the thick of being a young adult in a committed partnership or with children of your own? Please, for love of God drop the guilt tripping and start suggesting other ways to celebrate Christmas with you putting forth more effort whether that is visiting them or celebrating some other way.

• Admit you don’t like the French girlfriend and be upfront that you will do whatever it takes to repair that relationship because the most important thing is your DS and she are happy together. ( if it’s true, your last sentence seems to indicate you are going gloves off by blaming all this on her). Really? You’re saying both your sons are so gormless and unintelligent that she is doing some sort of mind control on them? You come across as dishonest and manipulative pretending that you currently like her and she inexplicably doesn’t like you. Be better towards her. Time will smooth out the rough edges and maybe one day she will be a second daughter to you. Give her a proper chance. You’ve been too quick to judge.

• I think you are being arrogant by thinking she can’t possibly have any opinion worth listening to about the UK Gov because she’s only lived in the UK for 2yrs. She has a fresh perspective that you won’t have. Shutting down conversations over a disagreement is childish.

• Be more open minded. Be less judgemental of her father supporting her. You sound kind of jealous, tbh, perhaps you married young and are mourning the fact you never got a footloose and fancy free twenties in your youth as you had to grow up and be more responsible. That is respectfully, a you issue. I get it. I was kicked out at 17. I’m happy when other kids get more support than I did. I still financially support my DC who are in their early to mid 20s. Sometimes it’s easier to view young adults that get good parental support as deficient rather than it is to face the fact that we had it hard and our own parents could have done better by us. Think about it.

@Braziensounds very intense for a family meal! Does she think you are a Daily Mail type & was patronising you? I think people in their teens/twenties can be a bit full of themselves & judge older people harshly.

I think your son is in awe of her & you need to just accept that he’s loved up. And keep fingers crossed it fizzles out at some point!

I agree with others suggesting a quiet day relaxing. Maybe try suggest something different in the run up like festive brunch or panto visit?

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