Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

[Ellieshouse]

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

Why don't you offer to take her out for the day?

Tell her you'd like some mum/daughter time.

Maybe she's tired of parenting. I know I am. I plan to spend my retirement travelling.

She won’t, she says she’s too busy.

As long as she helps in emergencies, I think YABU.
My mum has a very busy social life.
Good on her I say. Instead of wanting me to entertain her.

Sounds like shes had of enough of parenting and wants to do her own thing in life.

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend. I feel responsible for my adult dc's happiness just like I did when they were little, only now I have far less control over it. As a result I don't enjoy days out with them in the way I would with a friend. It's sad and I'm working on it, but when I'm older I imagine it all feeling like a drain and just wanting the responsibility to end so that I can have a bit of carefree fun before I die. And that's before I even think about grandchildren.

This is exactly it. Well expressed. I often prefer the company of my friends as they don't expect me to solve their problems.
Not that I never enjoy their company. But quite often I want to check out.

Also, do you seek out your dad"s company and leave your DC with him?

My mother-in-law is always like this and we have a theory that she is tired and she can only juggle what we would call one to 2 small things per day. so says she’s busy. For example, popping to the shops and attending a doctor’s appointment. we would think was nothing, but in her head this is a ‘busy’ day. I actually think she’s just tired and it takes her a long time to get organised.

I think the amount of things you can juggle age 40 are very different to the amount of things you can juggle age 75.

perhaps once you retire, you get used to a much slower pace of life. There is an Instagram account somewhere where a lady takes the mick out of her mother not being able to fit anything in her diary because she’s ‘waiting for a parcel on Thursday’. In reality I think older people are just being polite but really they are tired…

I’m retired and I do have to ask my adult children to give me plenty of notice if 5heyre planning a visit because I am very busy.

My mum was different. She was very dependent on me emotionally and socially and would make me feel very guilty if I didn’t visit her frequently. She would sulk if I already had a commitment elsewhere.

I don’t want to be like that, but my children seem to want more of my time than I’d anticipated.

It’s hard to get it right.

That’s very sad and not all how I feel about my adult dcs tbh.

I enjoy doing stuff with them, we find things that interest both of us (despite the fact they're outdoorsy,n’active young adults and Im disabled in a wheelchair).

I dint feel I’m responsible for them. And if the thought comes through my mind, I’m just reminding myself theyre making their own choices. I don’t have to to fully agree.

but my children seem to want more of my time than I’d anticipated.

I dint quite get that.
Dint you want to spend time with them? Rather than seeing it as them wanting ‘some of your time’ as if it was an inconvenience they want to see you 😵‍💫😵‍💫

My DD has a disability. Maybe that's why I am exhausted myself and feel responsibility. Also menopause has a way of reducing caring hormones.

In any event, by the time I am 70, I will want to please myself.

So my children are nearly grown up now so I don’t leave them with anyone.

When they were young it was only ever maybe 4 times a year that I’d ask for childcare.

I should be grateful I suppose then she isn’t one of the needy manipulative parents you hear about on mumsnet.

This is interesting I’ve never read someone voicing this but sort of makes sense to me already (my dc is 2😂). As I already can’t imagine ever stopping worrying about her and can see how it would be worse when her problems can’t be solved by a cuddle. I do marvel how people have relaxing days out with older dc without worrying about the job market, their relationship, friends, mortgage, COL so your post makes a bit of sense

Would you rather she was sat indoors waiting for people to visit? (which invariably doesn’t happen) 🤔

Well retirement is just that. It's for doing what you want to do and not what others expect from you - before you die! And (just like most people) you're more comfortable and have far more in common with your peer group than someone 25 or 30 years younger, even if they are your kids or grandkids. There's also the emotional baggage that adult DC bring to the table, whether they're conscious of it or not. Sometimes you just don't need it.

They can see me. - but they need to let me know in advance because I probably won’t be in.

One’s in London 20 miles) and the other hundreds of miles away, so they’re hardly likely to just ring the doorbell casually. But like lots of youngsters they do things on impulse and will announce they’re coming for the weekend on a Friday morning when we might have been planning to go away. Or if we’re hosting on Sat evening, they would just have to join in - I wouldn’t cancel a longstanding arrangement.

You don’t stop having a life when you retire. That’s when it starts! Busy older people are happy older people, and it means we’re not an emotional burden….yet.

I think parents of adult children can't win sometimes.
If your mother was sat at home following the same daily routine and getting wound up because the post man interrupted elevenses no doubt you would be posting wishing she was more independent!
As it is she has made a full life for herself and is enjoying the years she has left. Having said that I understand why you feel pushed out. Could you pick a full day every month (for example) that goes in the diary as 'mother & daughter day'? Book them In for the full 12 months and other than illness or catastrophe both of you have to stick to those days together. At least that way she knows to keep the day free and that it is set in stone so she won't be left with nothing to do.

Is your mum Mrs Dursley?

My mother has always been a needy person. She never made a life of her own and always lived through her children having so many expectations from me and my siblings, we all had to distance ourselves from her because it was becoming toxic. I wish she had a life she enjoyed before becoming to frail and sick. She's now so very needy, we all make sure she's tended to. Be happy that your mum is strong and is keeping herself busy and since you said your kids are almost grown up, you should start making plans for your own independent life and kid free, before your parents become too old and frail.

Mine hasn’t got a single minute for me. Same with siblings. She will talk at me on the phone about her friends and neighbours but cuts me off if I mention anything about myself or dh/dc/dsibs/dnieces even when she’s actually asked. “Have you seen anything of your brother?” “Yes, we went out last week to…” “Well Alison’s granddaughter….” And off she goes about someone I don’t know. If I tell her anything a normal parent/grandparent would want to know like a job interview or exam results she responds with a story about someone She’s “busy” all the time. I have a really full on job and 4 dc but she’s much busier. Not in a million years would she go on a day out with any of us. You can sometimes shoehorn her into a garden centre for 20 minutes but she’ll gallop around it as if she’s being chased. If we visit her she is either on the phone to other people or she’ll just go out. She does love us, but cba with us really. I don’t think she’s sick of parenting, I’m the youngest and left home 34 years ago. As small children we spent from Friday after school until Sunday night with grandma. When we were old enough to be left that dropped off a bit but we (me in particular) were still there a couple of nights after school and weekend days. It wasn’t for childcare - she’s never worked since eldest bro was born. One of my brothers is in an experiment of not phoning her to see if she notices. It’s been about 2 years and she hasn’t. Overall I’m happy she has such a busy life but occasionally wish we had a better relationship and could do normal things that other mums and daughters do and that she’s capable of doing with her friends, like have a cup of tea together or share things that are happening in my life and have her listen. I don’t mean witter on endlessly about myself but tell her my dc have their gcse results or a new job or when I did my masters. She’s just not interested. She’s 85 but it’s not new - she’s never been especially fussed.

Yes! I'm so happy for them. I was worried they wouldn't adapt well to retirement but they're in their element. Running for mayor, getting involved in the local council, volunteering, meeting friends, all sorts. Brings me so much joy to know their last decade or two is spent really living life and enjoying every day instead of deteriorating wallowing away at home.

"typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults"

My kids were born in the 80s. I don't recognise this at all, nor do my AC. I suspect your Mum's individual parenting style has continued in to her later years. I loved bringing up my kids, and I'm now very involved with grandchildren and helping AC with other stuff too.

I would add though, that if her old age brings infirmity and she needs a lot of support I'd think "nah".