Page 5 | Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

Ellieshouse · 2025-09-15T15:51:59+00:00

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure. My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults. My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider. My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored. I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her. Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue. Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

Gall10 · 16/09/2025 09:48

She doesn’t want to be a baby sitter….respect her wishes!

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 10:07

Autumnnow · 15/09/2025 19:00

"typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults"

My kids were born in the 80s. I don't recognise this at all, nor do my AC. I suspect your Mum's individual parenting style has continued in to her later years. I loved bringing up my kids, and I'm now very involved with grandchildren and helping AC with other stuff too.

I would add though, that if her old age brings infirmity and she needs a lot of support I'd think "nah".

Really? It's quid pro quo, is it?
Your choice, but I don't think that's a nice attitude.

Dopeydoraz · 16/09/2025 10:08

I find being around my kids stressful. I always want to help them. It’s too much for me sometimes

Augustus40 · 16/09/2025 10:20

Some people are more cut out for family duties than others I guess.

Pogoda · 16/09/2025 10:24

Good on her. My mum, who lives alone, sits whole day in front of a TV or walks around the town buying random stuff. She will only take my kids regularly to the cemetery. I think your mum has a great life.

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 16/09/2025 10:25

ViciousCurrentBun · 16/09/2025 09:47

I was born in the 1960’s and feel I’m part of the last generation, older GenX when you were really expected to marry and have kids and if you didn’t you were deemed weird or pitied. These women are a little older than me and would definitely have been under that societal pressure. A colleague from the sociology department where I worked said the passive aggressive behaviour of my MIL was probably because she didn’t have a choice in marrying and having children it was just an expectation. My friends Mother has been open about the opportunities my friend has had and is openly jealous and critical, she was married by 22 and had her first child immediately, just like my MIL. My friend like me settled at around 30 having had some adult years childfree.

I am not excusing their behaviour but some of these women probably just felt as if they had to and did not really want to without knowing.

My MIL really only seems to want stuff from us , she has never really done anything for us except 3 days of childcare in total. My Mother was not the worlds best Mother but having experienced MIL I realise she was really quite good plus spread thin as had 6 children and 10 grandchildren. More women in the past were reluctant Mothers, it’s only recently women can be vocal about and choose not to have children.

Edited

I don't recognise what you say @ViciousCurrentBun .

I was born in the 1950s. Yes, there was definitely an expectation to marry and have children (at a younger age than now) but we also had careers.

I went to a grammar school and my peers (born early-mid 50s) ended up as scientists, lawyers, teachers, vets, Head teachers, just to name a few friends I know of. Many had children but a few decided early on not to. And they all carried on working till they reached their 60s.

My mother's generation didn't have the same outlook but they were born in the 1920s so that was a long time before.

MiserableMrsMopp · 16/09/2025 10:27

Autumnnow · 15/09/2025 19:00

"typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults"

My kids were born in the 80s. I don't recognise this at all, nor do my AC. I suspect your Mum's individual parenting style has continued in to her later years. I loved bringing up my kids, and I'm now very involved with grandchildren and helping AC with other stuff too.

I would add though, that if her old age brings infirmity and she needs a lot of support I'd think "nah".

Same here. This lazy stereotyping!

In the 80s I was all about wholefoods (way, way preceding the anti UPF drive), lots of child based activities (think Montessori style) heavily focused on educational content.

The way it's portrayed now is that we were all kicking the kids out of the door (nope, NEVER, stranger danger is NOT just a 2020s thing), smoking fags throughout the house, leaving the kids outside the pub) and ignoring them. Bullshit.

I don't recognise ANY of that stereotype from myself or my friends. And we were solidly working class.

lalaloopyhead · 16/09/2025 10:28

My Mum and Dad are in their 80's now and are rarely around - they are in lots of U3A groups and choirs and goodness knows what to keep themselves busy and they take the commitments to the groups seriously.

They only live about 10 mins down the road but I don't see them much and its usually at my instigation. I used to have days out with my Mum shopping etc and to be honest I don't think she is interested/ or has the energy for this kind of thing and I'm not sure I do either.

They are there for me if I need them though, so I just put it down to us all being in a different phase of our lives. I tend to do more helping for them now with lifts etc if they have appointments and I am happy to do so.

Relaxd · 16/09/2025 10:34

Northernladdette · 15/09/2025 18:24

Would you rather she was sat indoors waiting for people to visit? (which invariably doesn’t happen) 🤔

This. I know an adult child who has always expected this and sees a SAHM to an adult child as the perfect mum. She takes it as negligence if plans are not dropped for them or not centred around them - despite the fact they are pretty poor company and take no interest in Mum as a person with her own interests, needs, wider circle. She cancels too, which suggests she only makes arrangements as a test. Hugely tiresome.

PrissyGalore · 16/09/2025 10:34

It’s interesting the term 80s parent. I very much wanted my children to be able to think for themselves, problem solve and be independent so I encouraged friendships with peers and creative boredom in my kids. When you read articles about how sad and anxious this generation of teenagers are, I don’t think 80s parenting was that bad!

Theworldisbig · 16/09/2025 10:36

RavenPie · 15/09/2025 18:56

Mine hasn’t got a single minute for me. Same with siblings. She will talk at me on the phone about her friends and neighbours but cuts me off if I mention anything about myself or dh/dc/dsibs/dnieces even when she’s actually asked. “Have you seen anything of your brother?” “Yes, we went out last week to…” “Well Alison’s granddaughter….” And off she goes about someone I don’t know. If I tell her anything a normal parent/grandparent would want to know like a job interview or exam results she responds with a story about someone She’s “busy” all the time. I have a really full on job and 4 dc but she’s much busier. Not in a million years would she go on a day out with any of us. You can sometimes shoehorn her into a garden centre for 20 minutes but she’ll gallop around it as if she’s being chased. If we visit her she is either on the phone to other people or she’ll just go out. She does love us, but cba with us really. I don’t think she’s sick of parenting, I’m the youngest and left home 34 years ago. As small children we spent from Friday after school until Sunday night with grandma. When we were old enough to be left that dropped off a bit but we (me in particular) were still there a couple of nights after school and weekend days. It wasn’t for childcare - she’s never worked since eldest bro was born. One of my brothers is in an experiment of not phoning her to see if she notices. It’s been about 2 years and she hasn’t. Overall I’m happy she has such a busy life but occasionally wish we had a better relationship and could do normal things that other mums and daughters do and that she’s capable of doing with her friends, like have a cup of tea together or share things that are happening in my life and have her listen. I don’t mean witter on endlessly about myself but tell her my dc have their gcse results or a new job or when I did my masters. She’s just not interested. She’s 85 but it’s not new - she’s never been especially fussed.

This sounds like my ILs. All they wants to tell us about is which of their friends are ill or dead. They say to DS 'how is the football going' or whatever but don't give him a chance to answer. I don't expect them to make us the centre of their lives, but it is a bit strange that they know more about people that they sometimes haven't even met than about their own grandchildren.

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 16/09/2025 10:46

MiserableMrsMopp · 16/09/2025 10:27

Same here. This lazy stereotyping!

In the 80s I was all about wholefoods (way, way preceding the anti UPF drive), lots of child based activities (think Montessori style) heavily focused on educational content.

The way it's portrayed now is that we were all kicking the kids out of the door (nope, NEVER, stranger danger is NOT just a 2020s thing), smoking fags throughout the house, leaving the kids outside the pub) and ignoring them. Bullshit.

I don't recognise ANY of that stereotype from myself or my friends. And we were solidly working class.

Edited

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Too much watching of Eastenders I think back then!

The 80s was all about creativity, self-expression, child centred education, 'the good life' as we were weren't far behind the swinging 60s and the hippie generation.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 10:59

PrissyGalore · 16/09/2025 10:34

It’s interesting the term 80s parent. I very much wanted my children to be able to think for themselves, problem solve and be independent so I encouraged friendships with peers and creative boredom in my kids. When you read articles about how sad and anxious this generation of teenagers are, I don’t think 80s parenting was that bad!

Absolutely! Plus you're spot on with the creative boredom.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 11:01

WhiskyintheJarr · 16/09/2025 09:05

My mum is retired, she’s in her early 60s and she’s generally pretty fit and healthy.

She had a high flying career and is generally a busy person. She had all these plans for retirement, travel etc, but the reality has been caring for her elderly mother (she’s an only child so it’s a lot), and looking after my sister’s kids far too much (don’t even get me started…). Then her husband got sick and she cares for him too (although he’s not too demanding).

She was a great mum when we were small (if a bit overwhelmed) but she is so fed up with caring responsibilities. Just done with it now. I feel crap that this her retirement so far.

Women’s work, and all that…

Edited

That's such a shame. It's just been a lifetime of caring for others. I hope she gets a break soon.

MiserableMrsMopp · 16/09/2025 11:06

ScarletVelvetSlippers · 16/09/2025 10:46

Too much watching of Eastenders I think back then!

The 80s was all about creativity, self-expression, child centred education, 'the good life' as we were weren't far behind the swinging 60s and the hippie generation.

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That is exactly what I remember! Wanting a small-holding (while in reality not having a clue what I'd have done with one). Very leave the nappy off, play outside in the dirt, incorporating education into play, Tumble Tots (which are still around incidentally), water play, sensory play, reading, phonics etc etc. We didn't do full-on vegetarianism but incorporated lots of veggie meals, baked our own bread etc.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/09/2025 11:11

Theworldisbig · 16/09/2025 10:36

This sounds like my ILs. All they wants to tell us about is which of their friends are ill or dead. They say to DS 'how is the football going' or whatever but don't give him a chance to answer. I don't expect them to make us the centre of their lives, but it is a bit strange that they know more about people that they sometimes haven't even met than about their own grandchildren.

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It’s because they are retelling a story to you whereas listening to your grandchild talk about his football requires listening. You will find the friends of your parents will know an awful lot about you and your family even if they haven’t met you.

Theworldisbig · 16/09/2025 11:13

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 16/09/2025 11:11

It’s because they are retelling a story to you whereas listening to your grandchild talk about his football requires listening. You will find the friends of your parents will know an awful lot about you and your family even if they haven’t met you.

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I don't really see how that's possible, given I've been married for 15 years and my inlaws know absolutely nothing about me.

Heartofglass12345 · 16/09/2025 11:16

It does make me laugh with my in laws, I’ve been with my husband for 13 years and they’ve both been retired the whole time. They came with us to my sons sports day last year and my son got to finish school early so we asked if they wanted to come over for a bit, and they said no because my FIL had to go to screwfix 🤦‍♀️

cardibach · 16/09/2025 11:16

choccychipcookies1988 · 15/09/2025 18:13

This is interesting I’ve never read someone voicing this but sort of makes sense to me already (my dc is 2😂). As I already can’t imagine ever stopping worrying about her and can see how it would be worse when her problems can’t be solved by a cuddle. I do marvel how people have relaxing days out with older dc without worrying about the job market, their relationship, friends, mortgage, COL so your post makes a bit of sense

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Do you worry about that list of things at all times? I’m not sure why I’d be worrying about how those things affect me or my adult DD more when I’m with her than when I’m not to be honest - and she’s good fun. She’s witty and we have similar interests. Love spending time with her now we can have more of a friend vibe (though I do pay for more - my choice, she offers to split).

JacknDiane · 16/09/2025 11:23

Lots of good posts here

Holycowhowmuch · 16/09/2025 11:54

You can have much less energy age 70 plus...obviously some can still be energetic. Often chronic illness , low level pain from say arthritis (which most aging bodies get) is very wearing. I was always energetic but just can't be now it takes getting used to its not easy to adjust to younger generations tend to have little patience they too will age

RosesAndHellebores · 16/09/2025 12:01

@Ellieshouse mother and MIL were busy, independent women. Nowadays a great deal of our time is spent co-ordinating medical appointments. MIL has stopped going put due to medical problems, mother has lost confidence after heart surgery - she's a former ballerina who two tears ago, aged 87, could still do the splits. Frailty arrives swiftly. They are both 89. We wish they were as they were two/three years ago.

Can't you just be glad your mum is still young, and fit and well.

Rumors1 · 16/09/2025 12:01

Not that this is much help to you OP but I have the opposite, parents who have a very limited social life and are very dependent on my sister and I to occupy their time. They expect multiple phone calls every day and visits at least every second day. The conversations revolve around them and their health issues. The guilt and upset at how unhappy they are can be overwhelming as they never sugar coat their low moods.
Its very draining. We often have to hide the fact we are going on a day out/meal/drink as my mother will expect to be invited and she is very negative so can spoil the mood.
I would love if they had a more active life and were less dependent on us.

C8H10N4O2 · 16/09/2025 12:35

Ellieshouse · 15/09/2025 20:55

So roughly 50/50 on the votes.

I suppose I hadn’t really thought of it from her pov, I certainly wouldn’t want her to be sitting there lonely with nothing to do.

I guess it just feels a bit frustrating when you work full time and you ring your retired mum and she’s always too busy to speak.

Often she’s busy with batch cooking a meal for 10 of her friends 🤣 and I’ll think “well that was her choice”. But I suppose that’s the point, it’s her choice.

Do you expect your in-paid-work friends to be available for ad hoc calls at your convenience or do you assume that calls might find them busy or time needs to be planned?

Have you ever said to her “get your diary out, can we fix a time to do X together” in the way you would with paid work friends? Or do you assume that because you are in paid work and she has “only” ever been a SAHM that her time is not also busy and valuable?

She has clearly built a busy and active life independent of you whilst also being available to you for ad hoc help with DC when you needed it most. You seem to dismiss all this because her busy life is unpaid and does not leave her free to prioritise you when you have time to chat.

Its only on MN that I see this casual disparaging of SAHMs as if they have nothing else to do but sit around waiting for their paid work friends/relatives to call. Its the complete opposite of what I’ve seen IRL.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 16/09/2025 12:38

Good for her, try connecting through something that she enjoys.
Go for lunch.