Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

[Ellieshouse]

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

It sounds as if she needs to be needed. Can you engineer some situations where you might value her input. For example could you ask her to come and help you choose some plants, and then stop at the coffee shop. Come and give her opinion on a dress for your dc graduation. Help you choose some new Christmas decorations etc.

I’m definitely at the bottom of my parent’s list! I’m used to it now and have drawn right back myself, and accepted that we won’t have the relationship I would like.

My Mum is 71 and still working full time. She has told me she will consider it at 74. I barely see her as our shifts cross each other!

When you say your kids don’t like to go there, are you talking about them spending time with her or her doing child care? (not always the same thing)
Are you saying she doesn’t want to spend any quality time with your family, like going out to dinner, birthday parties, etc? I only ask because you really only give one example of what she’s not doing (minding the kids?)
Maybe you saw it as her spending time with her grandchildren and she saw it as giving you a break from the kids?
I plan on being a great grandmother and I’d babysit in an emergency. But child minding on a consistent basis? Not spending my retirement doing that either!

Mine are always off on holiday in their bloody camper van. They only have me and their only grandchild (now a teen) and can’t seem to be bothered to make time for us. I don’t know how they’d ever have coped with having more than one grandchild.

My mum is super busy with things that are entirely optional and loves to tell me just how busy she is and compares it to my fairly senior, full time job and family life. Her ability to turn me being busy into how busy she is with all these things is astounding.

Wonder why we’re not as close as we used to be.

So to be clear.

My children are 13 and 17 now so no childcare has been needed for years. My mum has NEVER been regular/full time childcare. We always used nursery/wrap around care. When they were little she was always on hand to help out in an emergency. So maybe like 3-4 times a year she’d watch them if they were ill. She was always happy to do it and I was really grateful. To be fair to her she would have been happy to have them the odd Saturday if we wanted an afternoon out. The dc stopped wanting ing to go because it was boring. Obviously they didn’t say that to her. They found it boring because she’d have them over but then spend the whole time visiting her friends and they felt bored. They love her to bits though and she loves them.

I am NOT complaining that my mum hasn’t provided childcare. I only mentioned that so as to show that we haven’t just used her for a free babysitter or taken advantage.

Well let's hope she doesn't expect you to drop everything when she gets to old to do all this stuff and is stuck at home lonely.
Mine was too busy to come to my registry office wedding she was busy with a friend that day!!! She had plenty of notice.

The whole point of being retired is - after a lifetime of toeing the line - no longer being at anyone's beck and call. When retireees are still fit and active, they absolutely should be making the most of it..... travel, hobbies, whatever- no pressure, no commitments.

I love spending time with my children, although I don’t need to. They’re so interesting, and fun.

So roughly 50/50 on the votes.

I suppose I hadn’t really thought of it from her pov, I certainly wouldn’t want her to be sitting there lonely with nothing to do.

I guess it just feels a bit frustrating when you work full time and you ring your retired mum and she’s always too busy to speak.

Often she’s busy with batch cooking a meal for 10 of her friends 🤣 and I’ll think “well that was her choice”. But I suppose that’s the point, it’s her choice.

There is definitely a balance to be struck. I hope to be there for all big events and not be too busy to speak. But I hope to be travelling all the time.

I hear you OP and it is a bit sad. My mum had a very active retirement but she loved spending time with me and the children and always wanted to know our news. We felt the same about her. It is a shame you don’t have that with your mum and I can see why it would hurt your feelings a bit.

If OPs mother is done with caring then why is she running all over for god knows who? She’s prioritising the wrong people, her neighbours won’t end up doing the same for her and then she will come looking for her kids.

Because she enjoys the company of her friends over a 17 yr old. Not very surprising.

But she’s doing all those things for other people.

Oh well. I would be busy when she came looking in her very old age.

But why? My mum is 80 and very socially active. Still travels, sees her siblings, volunteers etc.

I will still look after her in her old age. I am glad she has such a full and lovely life. She deserves it.

I knew there would be dogs involved as soon as I saw the title 😂

I actually grieved my DF when he got a dog. The dog is now old and not as demanding but there was a time when I couldn't have a conversation. I would say take heart your parent is enjoying retirement.

Sounds like my parents and how they were with my children.
My mum ,and dad ,just weren't in to children,so only had me ,and nothing changed when I had kids ,not interested in them either.
I remember the odd time visiting with my DC ,and she sat in front of the TV in the lounge shut the door and chatted to adults in the kitchen..and that was my childhood..just not interested...going to visit my dad's parents it was exactly the same ..only no children s TV on ,racing was on the TV ,I was expected to sit quietly at 5 and watch it
Roll on to when she's needing help and I'm expected to pick up the slack .
Which obviously I do ..but maybe some one else would of said no

She sounds incredibly selfish and that she has time for everyone except you and the grandkids. Wanting to be seen as kind, friendly and helpful to anyone, a pillar of the community, except to those who should be the most important. Sounds like a typical narcissist.

Unfortunately at 70 she isn't going to change, so it's up to you what you do with that information.

In five or ten years time your parents will start to likely need more help from you. Obviously you'll make sure you are far too busy with your own priorities and just can't find the time, what a shame. The kids will also have their own priorities as teenagers and no time for a granny who never bothered with them much.

I can't get my adult kids to visit my mum in her nursing home
She lives 5 minutes away from us and has done 4 years now .2 of them visited once .2 of them have never visited..you reap what you sew

My inlaws are super busy, often on holiday but always wanted to look after DDs one day a week. My parents were also actively involved while still having plenty of time to do what they wanted. We all helped one another out and no-one did more than their measure.

My parents both relied on me when they became elderly and unwell but I never felt any resentment about it as I was more than happy to do what I could. PIL are in their 80s now and still very independent but again I'd be more than happy to pitch in if needed, because I remember their kindness and generosity.

In the OP's case I'd definitely not feel that way.

Isn’t it wonderful that your parents have such fulfilling lives. Many don’t. You’d complain if they were lonely and over-invested in your life. It is absolutely their choice how their spend their retirement.

17 year olds are great company! DD2's friends are lovely. There is enough time in her life for both if OP's mum chose different priorities.