Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

[Ellieshouse]

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

My mum was one of those who demanded a lot of attention and amusement from her children and sulked if she didn't get it. I never wanted to be like her and make my children feel responsible for me so I tended to go the other way. Let them live their own lives and get together as and when. I sometimes wonder if they think I'm not interested in them because of that.

Very difficult to get it right. Especially if you haven't known the healthy way to do things.

If you ring her out of the blue and she has made arrangements she probably won't drop everything which is fair enough. Maybe text her and ask when and if she's free for a chat or an outing so it doesn't clash with other stuff? Then the ball's in her court and if she still doesn't make the effort, there's your answer.

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.

Yes, it does sound like she is one of those people. I doubt you will change her but the suggestions here sound good.

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend.

Why do you think its hard?
Im not being critical, just interested as its something I have never struggled with.
I never got empty nest syndrome when they left home at 17 and 22. However i love spending time with them as adults, going on trips, going to the pub, having meals out and seeing bands. I dont feel like 'mum' but part of a group of people that I like being with. Of course we are both emotionally available if they need us to be but on a day to day basis I enjoy not being a 'parent' anymore.

With regard to Op, mum sounds perfectly happy doing what she is doing but the suggestions of engineering reasons to met up could work and make her feel she has to help out.
Give it a go!

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.
Why would you think that?
You don't know the friends situations.

It sounds like your mum is happy and fulfilled doing what she wants in life and that's great! My mum and dad enjoyed their retirement and went on holidays and saw friends all the time and I'm really happy that they had that after a lifetime of working hard and raising us kids. Now my mum is in her 80s and widowed and has mobility and sight issues and is unable to be so independent. I don't resent looking after her and I'm glad that she had her 60s and 70s doing what she wanted!

I would say, enjoy this and hope it lasts - my elderly mum has lost most of her capacity now and her world has shrunk, she does nothing much but lie on the sofa dozing now. She's in her 80s. It's heartbreaking thinking of the busy person she used to be, involved in volunteering and hobbies.

My mum died not long into her retirement (she was 64) and I think my dad packed lots into his day, or week, to avoid being on his own in the house.
But I remember when DC were little, I called to see if we could meet at half term but he couldn't fit us in. Most of the things he was doing were optional "drop in" type events rather than committing to take someone to a hospital apt for example. I could understand why he wanted to be busy but I suppose i hoped there might be some flexibility to see children/grandchildren

I’m 56 with a grown up child - my mum sadly passed a few years ago. This is my advice/ question. When I read your post I was wondering straight away what it is you would like from the relationship with your mum. Is it just that you’d like to see your mum more often and socialise with her? If so I’d say that to her and ask if she’s free sometime for a coffee or lunch (treat the relationship like a friendship). Or is there something else that you’re looking for? This isn’t about child care so what really is it about? Do you want a better/different relationship with her? Or maybe you would just like to be mothered yourself sometimes? (We all need a bit of mothering every now and then!) Or are you worried about her? Does her behaviour set off some alarm bells because she’s different than how she used to be? Ask yourself these things and see what you come up with. You don’t have to say on here. Try to think of her as a person without paying particular attention to her age. Sorry if this sounds a bit preachy, it’s not I’m just trying to understand what the issue is because you’ve not really said what it is you’d like from your mum (or your dad). It sounds like maybe you’d like more of her time in which case why not invite her round to yours. Just explain that you would like to get in that queue to see her! Good luck

The answer to your subject line is 'No' because my kids are too busy to see us (we're retired.)

From what you say your relationship has always been like this with your Mum. You say she didn't play with you or know what to do with you as a child.
It's nothing to do with being retired IMO.

She's not typical of her generation. I'm your Mum's age and my DCs are late 30s. However, I did work part time from when they were at nursery (mornings only) and am still working p/t now, self-employed.

For whatever reason, she wasn't the mum you wanted (then) and isn't now.
She clearly needs to be 'needed' hence her 'mothering' behaviour with friends, but it doesn't stretch to her own children.

I sense she's maybe unhappy deep down because people who need to be 'wanted' or push themselves onto other people as 'friends' often have some need not being met.

I wouldn't be surprised if the people she takes food to are heartily tired of her and want her to back off! Basically, she comes over as having few 'people skills' - either full-on or neglecting her nearest and dearest.

Question is- do you like her? Do you want more mum/daughter time or are you just sad she doesn't want that?

My own kids are too far away for me to offer hands-on help and they rarely see us , as they're too busy with work and their own children.

I don't think she sounds selfish at all, I think she's just enjoying her retirement. She doesn't 'owe' you her time any more than you owe it to her. If she wasn't enjoying her retirement and sat just at home waiting for you to have time for her, I doubt that would be well thought of either? Older people are always being told to stay on the move, keep their brains active, keep their bodies active and to me that's what she's doing? She deserves to do what the hell she wants at her age.

Are you still connected by the umbilical cord? Let the poor woman have some her time!

My parents were very like this, especially my mum. She has always "needed to be needed" and I think when we left home her volunteering escalated. If we went to visit she would make meals for us but in between she would be out rushing around doing favours and errands and my dad seemed to live at his sports club so we hardly saw them.

It was good that they were busy I think as it kept them mentally agile and physically fit. They're now in their 80s and age has caught up with them, they actually seem irritated that they are now tired and a bit doddery and can't physically do as much.

The only thing that annoyed me about their busyness was that they seemed to assume that we were not busy at all despite having full time jobs and small children. My mum would announce "oh I'm going to come up and stay for a few days in April" or "I'll come to yours for lunch when I'm on my way to Norfolk on Saturday " and would be really affronted if we weren't going to be there or already had guests. It was as if only mum was allowed to be the busy one!

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.

But it's a balance surely? OP's mum sounds like she goes OTT ferrying biscuits etc to all and sundry and having whirlwind of a social life but no time for her daughter.
That's hurtful.

My mum is busy calling me every single day and if I don’t answer she thinks something terrible has happened to me. It’s tiring

What a jaded outlook. I know lots of people who have friends who would be there at the drop of a hat if needed. My parents had a wide variety of friends who helped them over the years. Maybe some of you need better friends!

My mum is retired, she’s in her early 60s and she’s generally pretty fit and healthy.

She had a high flying career and is generally a busy person. She had all these plans for retirement, travel etc, but the reality has been caring for her elderly mother (she’s an only child so it’s a lot), and looking after my sister’s kids far too much (don’t even get me started…). Then her husband got sick and she cares for him too (although he’s not too demanding).

She was a great mum when we were small (if a bit overwhelmed) but she is so fed up with caring responsibilities. Just done with it now. I feel crap that this her retirement so far.

Women’s work, and all that…

I've got no relationship to speak of with my mother either but I did want to say that the choices aren't either having no interest in your children or being completely reliant on them, there is another way - some people do seem to enjoy their adult children and make space for them in amongst all the other things.

The problem you've got, @Ellieshouse is that your mother just isn't that in to you and from what you've said, it sounds like this is a long standing issue. I know with my own mother, she divorced my father in my late teens and moved straight onto someone else (there was overlap) and I feel like I am a remnant from a previous life. She doesn't seem to want to cut me off completely, but she doesn't want to make space for me either, I'm like an old piece of furniture she keeps in the garage and never uses. Some people have children but really aren't that interested in them and find them a chore. My own children are complete strangers to her, she's not interested in them either. A combination of all of this and other things means I don't make effort in her direction either, why would I?

But as others have said, you may find this changes considerably if she gets unwell or needs more support as she ages. I wonder sometimes if this is the reasoning behind maintaining minimal contact with adult children that you're otherwise disinterested in.

Really interesting thread.

My DM is both fiercely independent & needs lots of help. It's very tiring.

Maybe suggest she needs to make more time for you? It might not have occurred to her.

She sounds absolutely fine. I don't know why you're looking to criticize her. She sounds independent and not particularly interested in you and your kids. But equally she's not as you say, manipulative, unkind or demanding.

Count your blessings.

My mom is a similar age to yours, my kids are still quite young. She loves them and sees them every week but never without me there. She also feels her life is extremely busy. I resent a bit that she never worked, had a cleaner, only had 1 child (and I was at boarding school for a few years). I don’t think I would if she didn’t criticise me about my parenting and housekeeping all the time.

I agree with this (and sympathise @Fireflybaby as I have a similar DM).

But there is a balance because as we so often see on MN, there are plenty of Mums who live their lives through their kids and expect this, that and everything from their adult DC (which I've experienced)...interestingly not so much of what the OP has said in her post.

I'd rather my kids had a moan about 'never seeing me' rather than them saying to each other 'you deal with mum this weekend' or whatever.

Same but I consider that a great thing. My mum is in her eighties. Lots of friends. Always busy. That’s how it should be surely?

If your mum was needy, bored, lonely and placing excess demands on your time and energy you would have a worse problem. There are many of these posts on MN. I would rather have your problem.

I was born in the 1960’s and feel I’m part of the last generation, older GenX when you were really expected to marry and have kids and if you didn’t you were deemed weird or pitied. These women are a little older than me and would definitely have been under that societal pressure. A colleague from the sociology department where I worked said the passive aggressive behaviour of my MIL was probably because she didn’t have a choice in marrying and having children it was just an expectation. My friends Mother has been open about the opportunities my friend has had and is openly jealous and critical, she was married by 22 and had her first child immediately, just like my MIL. My friend like me settled at around 30 having had some adult years childfree.

I am not excusing their behaviour but some of these women probably just felt as if they had to and did not really want to without knowing.

My MIL really only seems to want stuff from us , she has never really done anything for us except 3 days of childcare in total. My Mother was not the worlds best Mother but having experienced MIL I realise she was really quite good plus spread thin as had 6 children and 10 grandchildren. More women in the past were reluctant Mothers, it’s only recently women can be vocal about and choose not to have children.