Page 6 | Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

Ellieshouse · 2025-09-15T15:51:59+00:00

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure. My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults. My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider. My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored. I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her. Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue. Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

Goldleafcat · 16/09/2025 12:41

Gettingbysomehow · 15/09/2025 20:51

Well let's hope she doesn't expect you to drop everything when she gets to old to do all this stuff and is stuck at home lonely.
Mine was too busy to come to my registry office wedding she was busy with a friend that day!!! She had plenty of notice.

Oh my goodness! I’m guessing that’s impacted on your relationship?

snoopymug · 16/09/2025 12:56

RavenPie · 16/09/2025 08:51

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.

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That must be hard. I think DH's parents are a bit like this to a certain extent. They live in a big house but lecture everyone else on expecting too much. They have a hardship mentality. If it's not difficult, you don't deserve it.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/09/2025 13:15

RavenPie · 16/09/2025 08:51

Definitely a big element if this with my mum. She does the same sort of “parenting” now as she did when we were teens (my brother recently turned 60) - which is basically trying to get us to not have any fun. There is an element of not wanting us to be “spoilt” by stopping us doing anything frivolous or indulgent. This means as adults we can’t do anything basic together as it will become a teaching moment on indulgence, fecklessness and greed. Thinking about it, the times she seems to relax and enjoy our company is doing something like clearing out the garage or driving her home from dropping her car off for a service or painting the skirting boards. She can go to costa with her mates, but only the tip with me. You can’t even sit down on your own sofa and have a chat with her in your own home without her getting the vacuum out and treating you to a lecture on getting your jobs done and she never sits down in the morning - not a chance she is saying this while vacuuming her mates rugs at 11am on the multiple days a week she sits down and has coffee with friends.

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This is a wake up call for me. Thank you for your reply. I don't want to be like that in ten, twenty or thirty years and I'm sorry your Mum couldn't make that transition into seeing you more as an equal, adult person. I think for me it's things like worrying about whether they're enjoying their food in a restaurant, whether they want to be there with me, whether they are able to share things with me or not. It's coming from love but it's tiring and gets in the way of me just enjoying them. I wanted the OP to know that sometimes it's not about not caring - it can be the opposite.

TreesWelliesKnees · 16/09/2025 13:22

notacooldad · 16/09/2025 08:31

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend.

Why do you think its hard?
Im not being critical, just interested as its something I have never struggled with.
I never got empty nest syndrome when they left home at 17 and 22. However i love spending time with them as adults, going on trips, going to the pub, having meals out and seeing bands. I dont feel like 'mum' but part of a group of people that I like being with. Of course we are both emotionally available if they need us to be but on a day to day basis I enjoy not being a 'parent' anymore.

With regard to Op, mum sounds perfectly happy doing what she is doing but the suggestions of engineering reasons to met up could work and make her feel she has to help out.
Give it a go!

Does she ever do anything for you like batch cooking? I would've thought you'd find that much more useful than her friends would.
Why would you think that?
You don't know the friends situations.

Edited

Thanks. Yes, I've sort of just answered your question in response to another poster. In short, worry about whether they are ok. We've gone through a lot as a family and I struggle to let go of being the 'fixer'. I wish I could relax more around them.

DeadMemories · 16/09/2025 14:28

Gall10 · 16/09/2025 09:48

She doesn’t want to be a baby sitter….respect her wishes!

RTT, the OP isnt asking for her to a baby sitter, OPs kids are old enough now not to need a baby sitter, the OP would just like her mums company now and again.

Boomer55 · 16/09/2025 14:44

I’ve got 2 adult kids and 5 adult grandchildren, and I love them all dearly. But, I’m not reliant on them. I’ve got my life going on and they’ve got theirs. 🤷‍♀️

We love all meeting up when we can.

After my DH died, I was determined not to be that needy parent, constantly whining about lack of visits etc.

They're all quite happy with this, and so am I.

And if I ever need care etc, then I’ll pay for it. 🤷‍♀️ I wouldn't dream of burdening them.

Autumnnow · 16/09/2025 15:09

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 10:07

Really? It's quid pro quo, is it?
Your choice, but I don't think that's a nice attitude.

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Of course, I realise that sounds harsh. However, it does seem to be a common paradox that the parents who have done the least to support their children, demand the most support when they become old and frail. I'd have happily cared for my lovely, late mum given the opportunity. My elderly dad has never been the kindly sort of father one would wish for. I do support him in many ways out of a sense of duty but I'll never be his carer.

FieryA · 16/09/2025 15:40

I would be quite sad if my mother did not want to do things with me and spend quality time. My mom is quite busy with different things and I am so proud at how she is so active. Yet, our time together is precious and she cherishes that too. Though given your mom's parenting style of when you were a kid, it seems she has continued the same and now sees you as an adult- so job done.

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 16:04

Autumnnow · 16/09/2025 15:09

Of course, I realise that sounds harsh. However, it does seem to be a common paradox that the parents who have done the least to support their children, demand the most support when they become old and frail. I'd have happily cared for my lovely, late mum given the opportunity. My elderly dad has never been the kindly sort of father one would wish for. I do support him in many ways out of a sense of duty but I'll never be his carer.

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Well, I really don't know what the evidence for that is.
I don't think this woman is necessarily a bad parent; she's just not the kind of grandparent that the OP would like.
I would hate to think that would result in a response to a call from a geriatric unit "your Mum is confused and anxious, can you visit?'.
"Nah".
Because she did childcare, but not hands on enough? 😥

readingmakesmehappy · 16/09/2025 16:13

My DPs complain that they don’t see enough of their GCs - but every time we invite them to join us for something they’re busy, and they never suggest seeing us. I wish they would make more of an effort.

Timeforabitofpeace · 16/09/2025 16:14

I do think it’s a bit much for parents who don’t have time for family themselves, to then expect others to sacrifice for them later on . It’s just too much to expect.

choccychipcookies1988 · 16/09/2025 16:22

cardibach · 16/09/2025 11:16

Do you worry about that list of things at all times? I’m not sure why I’d be worrying about how those things affect me or my adult DD more when I’m with her than when I’m not to be honest - and she’s good fun. She’s witty and we have similar interests. Love spending time with her now we can have more of a friend vibe (though I do pay for more - my choice, she offers to split).

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Oh god no I don’t worry about that list of things now at all 😂 I just worry about the usual toddler stuff atm ie making sure she doesn’t get hit by a car,
choke etc.

I just meant sometimes I do marvel at how when dc are older whether it is possible
to stop worrying about them and just enjoy their company or not if that makes sense. I don’t think I’m articulating it well

sounds like you have a lovely relationship with your dd :)

CoolPlayer · 16/09/2025 16:46

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want to be higher up her list of priorities x

80smonster · 16/09/2025 18:00

My mum is like this, particularly since she got a new boyfriend. Annoyingly she decided to embrace her new lease of life after moving around the corner from us, so although we are on her doorstep - she is very rarely free for babysitting or any other request we may have. I’ve decided to see this as a positive thing, I fancy a move to Sussex and won’t be feeling bad about leaving her behind, she spends most of the year on holiday in any event.

80smonster · 16/09/2025 18:03

CoolPlayer · 16/09/2025 16:46

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for you to want to be higher up her list of priorities x

I think as long as the same grandparents can accept that their kids must make decisions based on their families and not their old parents - it’s totally fair enough. What goes around comes around, as they say.

Brenda34 · 16/09/2025 18:31

Are you generally a 'moaner' OP? Some people just are and they suck the life out of you if it's an ingrained habit rather than situational. I ask because I've had people who would phone and within a few minutes they'd be off on a gloomfest every bloody time. I'd be bright and breezy for a bit then too busy to speak longer.

CoffeeCantata · 16/09/2025 19:05

PumpkinSeasonOctober · 15/09/2025 21:14

Oh well. I would be busy when she came looking in her very old age.

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But why? A parent who’s successfully brought up a family and probably had a job too - don’t they deserve some freedom in retirement?

Surely whether you care for them or neglect them in extreme old age is based on how they parented you as a child, not on some spiteful plan for revenge because your parent is independent now you’re an adult.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 16/09/2025 19:21

Autumnnow · 15/09/2025 19:00

"typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults"

My kids were born in the 80s. I don't recognise this at all, nor do my AC. I suspect your Mum's individual parenting style has continued in to her later years. I loved bringing up my kids, and I'm now very involved with grandchildren and helping AC with other stuff too.

I would add though, that if her old age brings infirmity and she needs a lot of support I'd think "nah".

I came on to the say the same! I was and still am part of my DC's and GDC's lives. I still do things for myself and their DF though, we're having a great retirement!

LeticiaMorales · 16/09/2025 19:25

CoffeeCantata · 16/09/2025 19:05

But why? A parent who’s successfully brought up a family and probably had a job too - don’t they deserve some freedom in retirement?

Surely whether you care for them or neglect them in extreme old age is based on how they parented you as a child, not on some spiteful plan for revenge because your parent is independent now you’re an adult.

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This ⬆️.
Something of a prevalent attitude on here, though.

Ibizamumof4 · 16/09/2025 19:37

TreesWelliesKnees · 15/09/2025 17:01

I think it's very hard to step out of parent mode and just enjoy your adult dc's company, like you would with a friend. I feel responsible for my adult dc's happiness just like I did when they were little, only now I have far less control over it. As a result I don't enjoy days out with them in the way I would with a friend. It's sad and I'm working on it, but when I'm older I imagine it all feeling like a drain and just wanting the responsibility to end so that I can have a bit of carefree fun before I die. And that's before I even think about grandchildren.

This is so well put. I think there’s this assumption once all the is parenting is done by say mid twenties then they are suddenly your best mates ! I do enjoy spending time with my older kids and we aren’t at that stage yet but I can see how you are always the parent so it’s not the same as going out with friends !

CoffeeCoffeePlease · 16/09/2025 20:05

KindnessIsKey123 · 15/09/2025 17:28

My mother-in-law is always like this and we have a theory that she is tired and she can only juggle what we would call one to 2 small things per day. so says she’s busy. For example, popping to the shops and attending a doctor’s appointment. we would think was nothing, but in her head this is a ‘busy’ day. I actually think she’s just tired and it takes her a long time to get organised.

I think the amount of things you can juggle age 40 are very different to the amount of things you can juggle age 75.

perhaps once you retire, you get used to a much slower pace of life. There is an Instagram account somewhere where a lady takes the mick out of her mother not being able to fit anything in her diary because she’s ‘waiting for a parcel on Thursday’. In reality I think older people are just being polite but really they are tired…

Edited

This is so true, what a great post. I have recently retired and my pace of life has definitely slowed down, and I love it. I have two parcels coming today and this for me is a crazy busy day! I see my DD and GC regularly but equally I’m not really up for crazy days out etc and they understand this. Having said that the OP’s mother does seem to have quite a busy life – I wouldn’t dream of batch cooking for my friends!

GrombotPollyDog1 · 16/09/2025 20:19

My mum has zero life, zero interests and zero desire to spend time with me or her grandkids. She is waiting to die.
I'd give anything for her to want to have friends, be busy and socialise. She is elderly before even getting to what I'd consider an old age.

My in-laws on the other hand are always busy, have friends and babysitting has to be booked months in advance but I wouldn't have it any other way.

They have an amazingly full life and seem so much younger and healthier for it. I absolutely aspire to be like them!

Be happy that she's enjoying life. The alternative is miserable.

Summertimesadnessishere · 16/09/2025 20:35

KindnessIsKey123 · 15/09/2025 17:28

My mother-in-law is always like this and we have a theory that she is tired and she can only juggle what we would call one to 2 small things per day. so says she’s busy. For example, popping to the shops and attending a doctor’s appointment. we would think was nothing, but in her head this is a ‘busy’ day. I actually think she’s just tired and it takes her a long time to get organised.

I think the amount of things you can juggle age 40 are very different to the amount of things you can juggle age 75.

perhaps once you retire, you get used to a much slower pace of life. There is an Instagram account somewhere where a lady takes the mick out of her mother not being able to fit anything in her diary because she’s ‘waiting for a parcel on Thursday’. In reality I think older people are just being polite but really they are tired…

Edited

I have a Mum just like the OP same era and she too has never once in all my adulthood with kids rang me up and invited me over to stay. The expectation is we would ring her and she would then work out when she isn’t busy.

However I realised that it definitely is the case that her ‘busy’ definition is very different to mine and what I can pack in in a day is very different to her. Just popping out to chemist or doctors or picking up shopping is a big day for her. So us coming to stay is a major event as thinking about bedding and food is all consuming. She will get food out of freezer and deliberate over it and get articles out of magazines to decide what to cook. She is always happy and welcoming when we all arrive but after 2 days the cracks start to show, she gets very grumpy and irritated about the slightest thing- a tone in her voice reminds me it’s time to leave!!!

CoffeeCantata · 16/09/2025 20:38

GrombotPollyDog1 · 16/09/2025 20:19

My mum has zero life, zero interests and zero desire to spend time with me or her grandkids. She is waiting to die.
I'd give anything for her to want to have friends, be busy and socialise. She is elderly before even getting to what I'd consider an old age.

My in-laws on the other hand are always busy, have friends and babysitting has to be booked months in advance but I wouldn't have it any other way.

They have an amazingly full life and seem so much younger and healthier for it. I absolutely aspire to be like them!

Be happy that she's enjoying life. The alternative is miserable.

Quite!

Be careful what you wish for, OP. Older people with no interests, hobbies, friends or social life are not good news for anyone.

Fionuala · 16/09/2025 20:39

it sounds as if she is trying to get the most out of life. I know women her age who having shed kids just want to enjoy themselves - while they can physically and mentally and poss financially - so can't say I blame her
sounds as if she is having a great time - enjoying life - if she was sitting around complaining of illness like so many her age and like some people I know - that would piss you off- nothing more depressing
like other suggest - try to join in- draw her out for the day to do something she likes - she might open up new doors for you