Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

[Ellieshouse]

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

What exactly would you like your mother to do for/with you,? She's community minded and outgoing. You should be glad you don't have the worry of a mother who has no friends or outside interests.

Try her and express that you really want/need some time with your Mum.
Nothing vague, suggest something definite for 2/3 weeks ahead so she can schedule it.

Yes it's possible but she seems to be parenting the neighbours & friends instead!

It’s also sometimes the case that those children who have done the least to support their parents in old age expect at least an equal share of any inheritance to those who have done the most.

When older the cooking cleaning food shopping laundry etc etc of running ones home takes longer as there is often so much less energy. What one did without thinking when younger , is now taking longer to get done.

I empathise.

My mother is also always too busy. Always.

Worse. We live halfway around the world. I call her. She doesn't call me. She forgets the time difference (it's only been 15 years), has other things/calls she HAS to make, with distant relative/friends..then keeps dropping massive hints about getting old, missing us, having us so far away....

So we travel during school holidays, costs an arm and a leg, not easy with long haul flights, get there ...having had multiple conversations about us only being there 2 weeks and needing to spend quality time with us/grandchildren....

What did I expect?
It was anticlimactic. She was available on the last day. And we stayed with her those 2 weeks!

I've learned to not expect her to change. And to accept that I can only do so much. I will not fall for her hints, expecting anything. I will do things on my terms.
Sounds great on paper. Very difficult emotionally. But I have taken back control of me and my emotions and needs...one step/ day at a time.

We are ...different people. same family. 😕

Yes op not easy but you could have the opposite problem my mam wants be minded. Has nothing on in her week. It adds so much pressure on us

This sums it up for me. You are saying your work is a valid reason to fill the day but a retired person can't be as busy as you or even more busy, because they don't do paid work. Loads of posts are of this mindset on this thread. Busy is working and bringing up children. Well, yes, it is busy but it's not the only way to be busy, nor should it be.

I think this is marvellous - good for your mum!!! She has a life and an identity outside of her societal role. You are actually lucky - and this would be a great time to connect with her not as a parent but as an interetsing person. Like someone above in the thread said....reach out to her, ask her out for lunch or tea, have some one on one time thats not driven by the grandchildren but by the two of you as people. Honestly OP you dont know how lucky you are - so many elderly parents become extremely needy and demanding of their childrens time and energy - here yours is off and running and having an absolute hoot living and enjoying her life and not asking anything of you. Maybe its not the stereotypical grannie typw figure but she does sound active and fun - maybe its just time to redefine your relationship and enjoy the time together with a different mindset.

This is absolutely fascinating. Is this just an age thing? Why do small things become a huge deal when older? Or has she always been this way?

I think it’s a combination of the generation and getting older!

It’s such a different way of thinking that’s part of her generation of simplicity / hands off approach. Children learnt through self discovery. Now it’s all so overly managed and sometimes helicoptered.

Imagine nowadays you go to your local garden Center and can buy a ‘bug hotel’ so little Johnny can collect ladybirds and other stuff. It’s all laid on and costs money. Roll on the 70’s I’d be outside with friends down the old lane (where I’d love hearing the crickets chirp) with an old ice cream box collecting bugs and creating my own insect hotel! - I had imagination. So did other kids. We didn’t buy stuff like that. Because we played outside we also talked to a wider variety of older children and learnt from then. This is probably the equivalent today of my daughter being in a structured sports team with older ladies in it. Giving that nurturing. Some of the older children might be babysitters. They had a babysitting circle - no money but tokens! So parents could go out with friends and it didn’t cost a fortune !

My parents couldn’t understand the concept of going abroad for a hen do- they just did the pub. They say everything is so over complicated now. No wonder we are anxious and too busy.

As my mum got older she has more ailments and feels the stress more that I guess we bring with our complicated children’s busy lives - she cannot understand that me trying to work full time whilst trying to juggling 2 x 20 page school newsletters which detail various school dressing up days in section 4.2.1 and God help you if you miss that you awful mother. This sort of thing didn’t exist . The constant judgement of parents and fear that’s now instilled in us. It isn’t part of my mums makeup. She is just relaxed. She doesn’t helicopter or over parent. So I guess by today’s standards that seems like neglect!!

When she did look after my kids on the odd occasion I’d leave her a detailed list of how I’d want things done that she probably felt was so overbearing and pedantic. I assumed she didn’t care - she did! But she didn’t need all the fuss as in her day it wasn’t so complex. It would start to stress her out if I expected things a certain way. It’s all too much and yes that’s now much worse as she has got older. It’s like she pushes away the stress we bring which to us is normal as we have normalised the busyness.

I think it's quite normal you feel sad she doesn't find space in her life for you. It's great she has a well rounded, interesting life with lots of friends, but it sounds like she's been more focused on them than family. She sounds extrovert and likes to be around a lot of people - not a bad thing but I can see how it leaves you feeling. I don't know what you can do really other than try to find time to spend with her on her terms and maybe join her plans if there's something you enjoy doing together?

As pp point out, the advantage is she is fulfilled and has a big role in her community, so this will help her as she ages and needs more support.