Anyone else’s retired parents too busy for them?

[Ellieshouse]

Perhaps I’m just being needy, not sure.

My mum is retired, she is 70, although she was always a sahm anyway. She’s a kind person but was always probably a typical 80s parent. Basic needs met but the children were sent off to play or go outside and not to bother the adults.

My mum has made a very busy life for herself. She has two dogs, she’s very close to her siblings and they visit her regularly, she has many friends and she does a lot for all of them. For example she will batch cook and go around giving out meals to her friends and neighbours. She seems to do everything for everyone. For example taking her friends pet to the vets for them, sorting out her friends house insurance for them or ringing their energy provider.

My children are older now, my mum never did full time childcare but she was always on hand in an emergency, but my dc stopped wanting to go their because she would just sit them in front of the TV while she did her errands or take them to visit neighbours and they would get bored.

I don’t think I’ve had a conversation with my mum that’s last more than 5 minutes before she says she has to go because her friend is coming or she’s got to help a friend or the dogs need her.

Like I say she is really kind she’s always offering to buy my child this or that but if you want her time you’ll have to join the back of the queue.

Edited to say my dad is around so she’s not on her own but I don’t think he gets a look in either 🤣 I wonder sometimes if she has him locked in a cupboard.

Agree with this. There is no “typical” parent of any decade, just people operating within the constraint of the times. If anything, the eighties saw an increase in “hands on” parenting even among mothers like me who worked part, then full time while their children were growing up.
It sounds like this lady is leading a full, happy and active life by her own lights. Good for her.

Watch and wait OP………the minute your mum has an accident, become sick or infirm she won’t see all her friends for dust! They'll all disappear as if they never existed and she’ll be left floundering, needing help herself and not one of them will offer a lift, bring in shopping, take her out for coffee……….the list goes on!

My mum lives in another city, and her friends and family help her out a lot, even when she is sick. As she does them. I am glad she has found community.

Though I do expect to move her nearer to me in the next few years.

Because she wants to have strong relationships with her friends, which are the relationships she gets the most from. Not because she doesn't love her family, but because time with her peers is more fun/supportive.

I think you can lightly say it would be lovely to see her more OP, and think about suggesting things that she might enjoy for you do together - which you will probably have to diary well in advance.

No one is being unreasonable - it's fine for you to be sad about it, and fine for her to arrange her priorities as she has - sometimes people just have different needs. It is better than the other extreme, and judging by her providing emergency childcare when your kids were small, if does sound as if she would be there for you in an emergency.

It's quite likely she'll need more from the OP in years to come.

But while there are lots of examples like the one you state, it's not always the case - ev my aunt had an amazing network of friends who held her when she had Parkinsons (albeit she died in her mid 60s so they were all pretty sprightly so that helped)

My mum used to fill her life and some past-times were like a full time job. I look back with mixed emotion about it. It was wonderful that she had such a full life and was so active within the community. However it comes with sadness that we struggled to find time to spend together. She loved me, but it was always me that rang for a chat, suggested we spend time together. As my adult years went by we spent less and less time with each other as I think I gave up. It’s a piggy bank, more coins you put in means there are coins to be taken out (the reward from working on the friendships/ relationships). Your mum is putting so many coins in her community/friends piggy bank with none spare for her piggy bank with you .It’s sad and I understand your feelings round it.

My parents are like this so I absolutely understand how you feel. But I always remind myself that I’d far rather they had an active, busy social life than be lonely and dependant on me for social interaction, that would be much worse. I do get what you mean though!

Your DC not wanting to spend time with your DM is more around them being teens. You can’t expect your mother to spend her day thinking of you exciting things to entertain teenagers - paint a fence, help with the shopping. Mine sometime just watch Four in a Bed with Granny.

Not exciting but they don’t expect Granny to be entertaining them into their teens

I'm 70 and retired. I lost my lovely daughter to cancer a few years ago.
I have lots of nieces and nephews but they are mostly married with thier own family's. I love being retired as I hated my job and I don't miss it at all. I retired at 66 on the dot and I've been a housewife since as my lovely hubby is 8 years younger than me and still works.
I love doing my own thing until he gets home and don't really see anyone but I've never been lonely,I have a big family and love them all very much and should see them more but they are all still working and weekends my DH like because we like being together. I feel if we get invited any where I can't be asked but we do make the effort now and again and enjoy it and always say we should do that more often, but we really don't.
I'm sure your Mum loves you all very much but she loves her own life which I think is fair. I'm sure if you really needed her she would be there for you.

I’m retired and I adore spending time with my adult DD’s even though it can work out very expensive as I usually pay.
I just feel that I can be totally ‘me’ and they will love and accept me. I often feel like I am putting on an act for other people.
I do try not to be to needy!

I think that’s really sad OP. You’re not asking for constant childcare or loads of input just your mums undivided attention every so often which she doesn’t give, despite clearly making time for friends and other people.
Id be upset too. I don’t know what the solution is but I get your POV and don’t think you’re being needy or selfish or anything like that.

DM was SAHM who did zero parenting. Spent her time socialising or obsessively watching tv. Not interested in helping out with the DC. Has admitted it 'never crossed her mind' to do anything for us or know where we were. Meals were thrown together and repetitive. It was obvious we were just chores to be gotten out of the way.

However, the tide has turned. She's 78 & her world has shrunk. It's harder to get around, friends drift away as activities can no longer be done & her similar age neighbours have all moved into retirement villages. Both are limited driving so they don't go far.

Suddenly, DM wants to do things with us, calls me almost daily & waffles on for ages. Hints for us to take them on holiday or to activities with us. Doesn't understand why we're not all that bothered....

I think this sounds spot on. It used to be the same with my DM as well - I sort of think she doesn’t really know how to ‘do’ a more equal relationship with her own dc (i think her own DM wasn’t very good at parenting her as a child, so I think she has missed out on that sort of thing). But things have shifted now that she is older & frailer.

My parents are no longer with us and I didn't have the same sort of relationship with them as you have with yours OP, but I can imagine how painful it must feel to you. It seems your Mum is mentally taking you for granted and just assuming that you are there when wanted/needed but not putting very much effort in. I can see that it's hurtful.

Sometimes parents seem to be super keen to have their lives back .as they see it .many worked when DC young .they may want to reclaim this life balance. I am a GDM in waiting! I would love gdc .stayed home as a SAHM loved it.

It’s as much to do with the time OP as you feeling hurt that she’s not caring enough about you or your relationship. The vast majority of us want to know our parents love us and are proud of us. By not making time for you, she’s not showing that enough and that’s what’s sticking in your craw.
Yes she is retired and that means she can please herself, no she doesn’t HAVE to spend time with adult children. But these things are completely missing the point of why you are feeling hurt. Your mum (no mater how old you are) is the one person who you would think would want to spend some time with you, love you unconditionally and be interested in your life. If that doesn’t happen, or you don’t feel it happens then it’s going to hurt.
You can talk to her and suggest that you would like to spend a bit more time with her- go out for lunch for a couple of hours, visit some gardens and grab a coffee- doesn’t have to be all day, just a couple of hours. If she won’t do that then you are somehow going to have to come to terms with the fact that she just doesn’t want to. That will be hard and hurtful but you can’t force her.
We get miserable when we place expectations on other people (rightly or wrongly) and they don’t live up to those expectations. I have found with some people, that by removing all expectations it’s helped me not to feel angry and hurt. It’s hard but it can be done.

Some MNers have a crazy selfish attitude!

You see posts on here about parents that don’t have a full life, who are lonely and are berated for being emotionally needy and draining. But on the other hand if they do fill their time they shouldn’t expect any support when they’re older??! There is obviously a perfect sweet spot that is the only acceptable way for a parent to be. Perhaps try to be a bit more accepting and tolerant - you might find you don’t hit the sweet spot yourself in later life!

@Ellieshouse Having been in your position, I would try and be thankful that your Mum is busy and obviously a kind and generous person towards friends who may not have family of their own. You too have a busy life and it’s important she has a wide circle around her in later life so she’s not just relying on you for everything. This attitude is keeping her fit and active. The alternative for a lot of older people is having nothing to do, losing a sense of purpose, becoming lonely and ultimately depressed, which is far harder for everyone.

That’s fine. She’s just not that interested in you. Remember to be too busy when she comes to you in later life needing support and remind her of that when she grumbles.

Same. It’s my own fault for spreading mine out so much but I’ve had enough and I’ve still got a decade of active parenting 😂

I don’t see why you’d assume this as a definite. Her friends may indeed turn out to be flakes, but my own parents group of friends never did. They drifted away and together many times over the years, but all were always willing to drop things to help out when any one of the group needed it.

She sounds amazing, good on her!

It does sound like your experience and your DCs were remarkably similar, I.e. your parents aren’t really ‘child’ people, they love you but don’t do things like craft activities, playground trips, pretend play. Your children are lucky to have you to engage with them.

It’s not a nice feeling being sidelined by your parent and understandably upsetting, so YANBU.

Maybe she is one of those who feel their worth is in what they can do for others, not in themselves. Cooking for neighbours? Doing the insurance? This says people-pleaser to me? And ironically the people closest often lose out. My best friend’s mum is like this, e.g. not being flexible to her daughter’s actual medical needs because she doesn’t want to ask a cleaner to change their schedule as ‘They really prefer Mondays!’ It’s hard.

Obsessively busy people often can’t stop because they are afraid of what might happen if they do. Could this be relevant?

All to say, it’s hard not to make yourself the focus of this behaviour, but the problem is not you, you are worthy of her time and attention and so are your kids.

This is such an interesting perspective, I’d never considered this. My children are still tiny but it often feels like my parents don’t really want to spend time with me
and now I understand a bit more.

i always thought if one raised a child to adulthood but didn’t like spending time together how pointless the whole thing was. This is interesting.

I’m 59 and my DD is 19 and I love the relationship we have now. It has morphed more into a friendship, we do things together, not that often as we’re both busy but we message all the time. Yes I still worry about her and give her advice when needed, but also respect her right to make her own decisions. You have many lovely years ahead of you with your DD, cherish them!

I try and have good relationships with my adult dc. We speak nearly everyday. I’m interested in their lives. We spend time together etc. it’s sad that your mum doesn’t seem to want this and I totally understand how upsetting that must be for you.

on the other side it’s really nice that your parents seem to be very much enjoying retirement. Honestly my poor mil has spent hers being an emotional crutch and full time childcare for sil and gc. And now she’s just worn out physically and emotionally. We wish she’d put herself first and travelled, had hobbies and spent time with friends. Now she’s too frail and stuck at home. Awful.

it’s hard finding that balance I suppose x