To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

I think you’ll find this poor child has ASD and his long suffering parents are probably trying desperately to get him assessed and helped. Unless he does something to your DD I suggest you count yourself lucky that you don’t have to deal with this on a daily basis. And a little empty wouldn’t go amiss.

My little boy is autistic and ADHD and he can have days like this where he lashes out at us. He has been through school refusal where we have literally had to drag him to school every day kicking and screaming.

He has 1 best friend at school who he worships and adores and will not hurt. Yes, he sometimes shouts at her but she says its when he is having his 'hodge podge moment' and she leaves him alone.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything to the teacher as you have saw a snapshot of this child. You have no idea what is going on or what they are going through. You also have no idea how this child is towards other children.

From a SEN parent, its quite upsetting to read your reaction. I understand you want to keep your child safe but you are jumping the gun with no clear picture.

I know you say that you don’t want to be seen as judgemental but that’s the problem isn’t it. You are judgemental and you don’t want people to see you as such nor admit it to yourself.

It’s much more likely that he is worse with his parents. What do you want the school to do? Keep him isolation? As if that will help him.

If something actually happens with your daughter that would be the time to discuss with the teacher. Until then I wouldn't approach the teacher to purposely critisise a little boy, you won't come across well.

Hardly need to add to the comments here, but yes he’s likely to have SEN, likely to be much worse with his parents than others, and there’s really nothing you can or need to say to the school.

My sympathies, like most pps, are with the boy and his parents. Trying to navigate school with SEN is not easy, and his parents will have so much worry about him over the years.

I wouldn’t worry too much about it yet. A few years ago, I witnessed one of the children in my class (year 1) throwing a tantrum and hitting his mum. He never displayed this type of behaviour in school with other children or adults. He tried stomping his feet at me once, but I shut that down and reminded him that he was at school. I had no problems with him whatsoever.

Count your blessings.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Sounds like he has SEN op. My son is almost 5 and has ASD. When he has a meltdown he is very aggressive towards us - every day I'm bitten, hit, kicked, have my hair pulled. It's really awful. For alot of ASD kids like my son transition is really difficult. Every morning my son doesn't want to go to school, he will lash out and most mornings I carry him to school kicking and screaming- he usually stops once we reach school and then runs straight in and is absolutely fine (masking) for the day, and they thankfully dont experience any of that behaviour. The best thing you can do is not judge others- it's very hard and isolating being a SEN parent, not to mention physically and mentally exhausting.

Sadly your reaction to what you saw, OP, is why I only talk to SEN parents now (and plenty of 'normal' parents avoid me). My son is 12 and lovely, but he had some very hard times when he was younger and we have been judged harshly for it. It hurts. It hurts a lot.

@SeanConneryIsMoniquesMother wow what an unempathetic post and even worse from someone working in an educational setting who clearly needs some training to better understand what it means to have a SEN child and how you can support them and their parents.

No it's not ideal that a secondary school student with SEN came to school with an energy drink. Perhaps he had ASD and trouble sleeping - it's a thing. Maybe his mum was at her wits end with how exhausted he is through lack of sleep or trying to get him to school and gave it to him in desperation. I've just spent 2.5 hours trying to get my 4 year old ASD son to sleep - he is wired. He's also exhausted every day no matter what we do we can't get him to sleep. It's a common problem with kids with ASD and we now reluctantly going down the medicating route.
I haven't even told his school about his ASD because I'm so sick and tired of people like you in educational settings who judge parents of SEN kids when you are clearly not in a position to do so. Best ask for some extra training as you need it.

YANBU, just tell your daughter to stay away from him. Of course it's "nice" to be understanding of SEN but you don't owe a random child a friendship just because he has special needs. There was a MN thread a few months ago by a mum who was upset that a girl stopped wanting to play with her SEN son because he was violent towards her. The most important lesson to teach little girls is that they DO NOT OWE their company or friendship to anyone else, particularly of the opposite sex. Being forced to be nice to someone who feels threatening or unpredictable is a terrible concept to learn, which also includes putting your personal safety at risk because the red flags are justified in some way.

Based on personal experience, SIL's son is ND (medicated) with violent tendencies. When younger he came very close to causing a life-changing injury on DD. Luckily the item he used as a weapon slipped and it only ended up being a cut which didn't leave a scar. He's improved a lot as he grew older but still gets violent impulses which he manages to articulate, eg telling an adult he feels like hitting another child. This sometimes works but very occasionally still acts on them.

DH and I have agreed never to let DD and her cousin spend time together unsupervised. He's just too unpredictable and it's genuinely not worth the risk. They don't live very close so luckily it's not a huge deal. We genuinely don't have anything against them and everyone gets along great during family reunions (with adults keeping an eye on the kids). But it's plain common sense that you don't want your child in the vicinity of another one with aggressive outbursts.

OP wasn't judgmental. Not once. Rather, she was - quite understandably - concerned about a child apparently with no self-control whatever being in close proximity to her daughter for prolonged periods. OP: YANBU

No, she isn't judgmental. She is just concerned for her child.

Good for her.

It’s very unfortunate, I’m very sorry to hear it, I can imagine it’s very painful for him and you. 🌹

And at no time did OP suggest she was contemplating doing that.

I think school know, if it happened in the playground. I would ask my daughter if she sits near him. Hopefully the answer is no, there’s probably not much else to do.

Wow!

YANBU to be concerned.

However, you either trust the teacher to be on top of explosive or disregulated behaviour or you don't.

If your child comes home bruised or with bite marks, I'd be quick to ask for an explanation. There should be a system of incident reports.

Because I know them personally he's literally just a brat ! He's 8 and they let him ride a quad round the estate alone ! And instead of being in school he's riding round on his bike or scooter

My son was strangled with a skipping rope by a child with autism when he was in reception he had ligature marks round his neck because she wasn't being properly supervised and was twice his size , he's 15 now but I've never forgot it she was moved to another school as she was too dangerous to stay at mainstream ( in a sen class )

My youngest at a similar age would be so tired at the end of the school day that if something went ‘wrong’ on the walk home he would have a meltdown and would think nothing of trying to hit me..
I know other parents must have watched and judged when his little snack gingerbread man broke in half and dropped on the floor and he turned into a screaming, hitting monster…. By the time they had averted their gaze, made a judgement and scurried away he would have been sobbing into my shoulder just completely overwhelmed with tiredness and big emotions.
My other children never hit me so it wasn’t anything to do with parenting, just something specific to him.
He was/is however the best friend a child could have, great at sharing, kind and funny, his first school report said he was a much loved member of the class because of his empathy and kindness.
He was always broken hearted and apologetic after he had lashed out at me once he had calmed down, and thankfully he grew out of the meltdowns as he got older, less tired and more resilient.
If your Daughter hasn’t mentioned any problems I wouldn’t be saying anything about it to her, I would recommend you stop judging other children so harshly on a tiny snapshot of their day.

YANBU. I can’t believe the sheer amount of posters scolding you because your first priority is for your dd and not the kid going ape shit and throwing punches 🙄 It’s perfectly reasonable to feel protective toward your own child and I guarantee if they as females were forced to share space with the equivalent at work (some bloke who randomly kicked off violently) they wouldn't sit there happily like butter wouldn't melt either.

I agree with pp, have a watching brief to see if she is actually affected on a day to day basis in school, but equally teach her that she does not have to compromise herself, or be coerced into ‘being kind’ to accommodate the lashing out of other children, particularly boys. Other children might have challenges, but she has an ultimate right to feel safe at school.

At this point I wouldn’t take any action.
However if there are any instances of your daughter being made to feel unsafe or being injured I would absolutely raise it with the school.
One of my sons had to deal with bad behaviour (I mean unprovoked punches etc) from a class mate and it really affected him. I wish I had made more of a fuss, it’s not right for any child to feel unsafe in the school environment. All children should be advocated for.

This reminds me of a little boy I taught who did this every now and again. He was the sweetest thing but had attachment issues. He didn't ever lash out at a single other soul.