To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

We don't forget it at all. In fact we are aware of it every single drop off and pick up. It fills us with anxiety. We dread the phone ringing during school time in case it's the school calling.

Last year the entire class made rain makers with plastic cups, rice, and paper tops secured with an elastic band. DS, non-verbal, couldn't tell the teachers it was too loud, so what he did was he poked holes in the top of some of the rain makers to make them stop. He then got told off, put in time out, and wasn't allowed an end of week treat.

Every single day after this, he would kick off whenever we got close to the school, sometimes when we got into school, when the anxiety really set in. The worry that even when he was in pain and trying to communicate in the only way he can, that he'd be expected to remain silent for fear of being told off or seen as naughty. It was the start of a very long and still ongoing bout of emotionally based school avoidance.

But what do you expect us to do? The only way our children can get evidence to support EHCPs and 121s and reasonable adjustments like altered start and finishes is for the school to see the extent of the distress it causes so they can fight a ridiculously punitive, extensive and dehumanising process with us and not against us is to get that support in place, or withdraw them and make them small so they're not seen by society and so nobody else has to learn to accept or understand their struggles or differences.

But yes we know it is scary for other children, who might not know what's happening. We do our best to teach our SEN children how to hold it in, how to act, how to cope and hold it all together until it's safe to let it go, all so your children will play with them. Our SEN children still feel shame from being perceived when in distress, they don't think it's the easiest option to show their distress. It's usually a last resort because nothing else is working.

@Kirbert2i agree it seems odd behaviour at 6 but OP doesn’t allude to this being the norm instead it sounds like a one off. Poor kid might be having a bad day. My point generally to all is that these days lots of people are very quick to excuse bad behaviour with special needs. As evidenced very, very quickly by this thread.

God, there it is. Poor parenting, not enough boundaries in the home, blah blah. Knew I’d see it somewhere.

Our son has complex needs, amongst which is Autism and PDA. He’s a lovely little chap who really tries to play with other children in the ways he knows how to.

He also has huge meltdowns, for a variety of reasons, and can be violent when they happen. We can see the looks of either judgement or panic from other parents and I’d say two things:

1. Judgement is neither necessary or welcome. We don’t require an opinion on his behaviour from strangers, and if someone is going to pull a face I would far rather it was in another direction.

2. When he does escalate, he lashes out at his safe people; and people he assumes can “take it.” Me, his dad, his 1:1 at school. Never his elderly grandparents, never other children, never random adults. He’s not a danger to society, he’s a risk to himself and us, and that’s nobody else’s concern.

I can understand why if someone’s toddler is next to my escalated 9 year old, they might worry and reasonably move them. But outside of that, shitty comments on our parenting skills are neither helpful or needed.

We’re using skills most of you don’t need to have.

OP doesn't know and that's the point pp's were saying because whilst it's possible it was just bad behaviour, it's possible that it can't be helped as well.

Hopefully it is just a one off.

This 👏👏

I’ve even seen posters complain about free transport being provided to take a SEN child to the nearest special school (which was miles and miles away) 🙄🙄

it’s embarrassing.

Me too.

I was told that my son belongs in a special school because he's incontinent and needs to be changed at school. 🙄

@GypsyQueeen if you have zero experience of raising a SEN child then you have no idea how well you could parent one. NT kids with no SEN are a million times easier to parent, it really doesn’t take anybody special to do a half-decent job. Many of us also have children without SEN who have no issues and behave impeccably! Believe when I say parents of SEN children are never going to take judgement/criticism/advice seriously from somebody who has never actually been in that situation, it’s like being lectured on your job by somebody who has never done it and has zero qualifications.

I absolutely agree we need empathy for all children, and every child’s education is important. The key to that is better funding, support and provision- something most SEN parents push for! I’m not sure how else ‘empathy’ is supposed to manifest from the SEN parents? (Who are likely way more tired, burnt out and exhausted than the other parents, with not much more to give). All want their child to be in the right setting and have the correct support in place, which is turn ensures disruption is kept to a minimal for all children.

I'd say in almost all cases they didn't witness any "violence", just a child becoming disregulated and being swiftly removed. It might be only once a week or fortnight. Or it might be a few incidents and then the adults work out how to intervene before it happens.
Staff would be trained in safe restraint so they wouldn't get hurt (although obviously not pleasant to have a six year old trying to hit you). The only time I ever found it slightly stressful was with one child when I was pregnant but then I had a risk assessment basically saying I wasn't allowed to get involved.

In most cases where a child was becoming disregulated a lot and unable to access learning in the classroom, eventually the school was able to make the case they couldn't meet their needs. It was probably a longer process with more hoops to jump through then ideal but it is obviously a hard balance to get right. You have to prove you've put reasonable adjustments in place in a mainstream setting first and this can take months/ years. It can be a very stressful process for the parents of the child.

Anyway my point is that there are sometimes lots of things going on behind the scenes that wouldn't be able to be shared with parents of other children. IF this particular child was struggling in school which is conjecture anyway.

“Thank you for the handhold”

I am not touching your hand OP. Let alone holding it OP. The child has a tizzy before going to school. You know less than squat all about the child, family and situation.

and yet here you are.

This sounds like my son at that age, and he did also, at that age, did sometimes lash out at peers too.

He has adhd and a 3 year delay in emotional/social communication.

Luckily, the staff and other parents at his school have been overwhelmingly supportive. As he has grown he’s gained much more control over his own behaviour and decisions, and it’s a long while since we’ve had such a dramatic meltdown.

I'm 32, and given some of the stuff i've seen both with my cousins, to whom i am guardian, and on there - school are now more about making the additional needs kids seemingly immune to consequence, regardless of behavious than protecting the rest of the children or the teachers when physical violence is involved.

I understand your concerns and I might have felt the same had I not experienced my child do something similar when she was in nursery. My child is very kind, calm, does not lash out either verbally or physically, she’s also not SEN. She’s now in school but we had issues in nursery that ended up in her screaming, kicking, and pulling my hair once at drop off. It was a huge shock to all involved e.g me and the nursery staff. The staff at nursery, and all teaching staff since have always complemented my child’s behaviour, manners, etc. This incident was totally out of character. I was in tears after and was pretty mortified. We got to the bottom of the issue, which was related to something going on in the nursery setting, and it never happened again. As others have said, you never know what is going on with children and families. An outburst going into school doesn’t always equate to an aggressive child. Year one is still young and they are still struggling to regulate their emotions. Give the family some grace and time to sort it out. If it persists then you could speak to the class teacher about your concerns. But it is unlikely they could stop your child from mixing with them completely.

My DD attached herself to the boy that had alot additional needs, he was often removed from class and needed extra support...

But my DD said she had a crush on him, but apparently she had a calming affect on him and they actively encouraged her to be his friend.

I am glad she did, it helps her to understand people are different and how to react to different behaviours.

This boy may be very different in class and I think its good children are exposed to multiple emotions. The teachers wont let another child get hurt they have procedures in place

hey,

im the mum of a sen child and most likely the boy in your dd's class has sen issues, there could be so many contributing factors as to why he was having a meltdown, and kids always show their worst behaviour to their parents, my own sen son and daughter are no exception.

seeing it from both sides i would be concerned too having seen that but the staff will know whats going on and have everything at hand, my own son is unsettled at the moment with a few changes going on over the summer and it could be a multitude of things really, even thr slightest thing you couldnt possibly think of.

all we ask is a bit of empathy and space to let us deal with any issues xx

hope you have a lovely day!

You don’t know the child or the family so personally i would leave it. Like you and others said he could be a SEN child one of my children is and although he dors not behave that way he attends a learning centre with 6 other children and three of those children do.
When you pick up your daughter later maybe ask her about the little boy and is he often upset like that or does he behave like that to other adults and/children maybe he just doesn’t like school. I don’t think you should be encouraging your daughter to stay away and potentially exclude children like him just for what you have seen on this one morning when you don’t know any/all of the facts surrounding his behaviour

No because of course the undertone is that the boy hitting his parents should be withdraw.

Do you think that the teacher/school are not already aware of this? There could be all sorts of reasons for his behaviour that you're not aware of that they will be and they will be dealing with it in the most suitable way.
Unless he has directly harmed you/your child in some way, it really is nothing to do with you.
I also think you're in for a surprise if you think your child is going to go through the whole of primary school without ever being hit/kicked by another child!

Thinking back 50 plus years ago I was that child. I still remember how it felt. I was absolutely terrified of going to school and leaving my Mum.
Id had a bad experience at a home based play at about 3 years old where my tears were not treated kindly. I remember a massive tantrum where I kicked and screamed and bit the sleeve of the play school teacher as I was so terrified. Roll on school and I was so distraught I couldn’t handle the playground. I was so self conscious, so shy and nervous the kindly teacher used to sit me in with her and give me a biscuit, share her tea and met me read to her. I felt safe with her. Slowly I gained a bit of confidence but it wasn’t until junior school I was 7 years old I was able to cope better. You will pleased to know however I graduated university with a masters in computer science and went on to have a successful career earning a 6 figure salary. I can handle myself as a female pretty well amongst all the alpha male sales guys and have travelled extensively around the world in my twenties.
I’ve never hit anyone unless they hit me!
I guess what I’m saying is children do grow up !

I also suspect I’m autistic with ADHD and hyper sensitive. I’ve worked very hard internally to overcome anxiety and regulate myself. My daughter does have a diagnosis ( late) and I struggle with her. She also had dreadful separation anxiety.

Your feelings are natural to worry about your daughter but she is going to encounter all sorts of situations and children and not all of them will be reacting because they are potential knife wielding psychopaths.

Kindness and tolerance and understanding of difference and the hard stuff other parents have to face is a skill you yourself will need to master to help your daughter become resilient. You cannot wrap her in cotton wool. The world is waiting. I think you will end up amazed at how well she will cope.

DD1 was always described as a lovely child but one teacher in Y3 managed to have a seating plan that didn't work for her - so got excessively more stressed - and two weeks in started having an issue going into school last few days it wa slike this.

Fucking teacher tried to balme everything - home life - and point blank refused the easy fix of moving where DD1 sat.

It got resolved - but she wasn't being nauhty just struggling to cope and was unpleasnt for all of us to go through. She was finally diagised with dsylexia, dysalai and inattentive adhd at 19 at uni.

DN is currently occaionally kicking off - my Dsis is single parent and her ex has ADHD - everyone think it likely DN has and he struggles in school. They've just been told they won't look at diagnosis till he 7 - (been there with our kids) - anyway he has occasional morning like this. Last time was because a teacher touched him gentle to hurry him up/poistion him - huge meltdown - distresssing for DN, Dsis and teacher - ane yes probably people and other young kids around. He's never hurt another child though has been hurt a few times.

It's perectly possible this is NT child who just had a really bad morning and is overwelmed. Feeling judged by others just make a diffcult situation harder for everyone in it.

My daughter has had a little boy like this in her class for the last 6 years and funnily enough he's one of only about two boys she doesn't mind. She understands he has additional needs and she's really sensitive towards SEN children but I think crucially she has also said he actually doesn't attack or harm the other children, not once. Yes he's disruptive and disrupts the whole class sometimes but the children have never been in any danger from him as far as I can tell. So I would just see how she goes at school.

Wow!!!

what a lovely and understanding parent you are…..!!! Your child is amazing I take it?

For all that you don’t know…. This child might have Autism and the parents might not know yet.

Posts like this make me so angry!!!

Have you asked your daughter about him (and other classmates)? As other pps have said, it could well have been a meltdown about coming to school when he didn't want to, and a lot of children will act out in ways with parents or siblings that they wouldn't with others. He could be a lovely classmate, he could have anger problems, he could hate school - often kids have a pretty good idea of what their classmates are like, so she'll probably be able to give you a better picture of what he's like and that may put your mind at ease, or let you know if he is rough with the other kids.

Welcome to today's world. Your daughter unfortunately will be surrounded by kids acting out hitting ect. There will be multiple with additional needs in each class who will explode regularly. All you can do is explain to her about additional needs kids and encourage her if she sees it happening walk away.

Why is MN so toxic? She is simply asking for advice from other mums. Jeez.