To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

Of course it matters.

What different entry point? Especially if it doesn't matter if the child has SEN?

Anti social behaviour upsetting children and adults. There’s no free pass to cause distress due to SEN!

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me.

but you are being judgemental?

You have no idea how this child acts at school, what his background is (SEN/disability/difficult home circumstances etc)

IF he was actually hurting your child, yes. But it has literally got nothing to do with you at this point.

My Nephew was like this when his dad died. His behaviour was really unregulated and all over the place

Yes but it doesn’t mean the school doesn’t/ is not capable of dealing with his behaviour

Btw OP, it's fine to notice it and keep an eye on it. Ultimately the presumption of mainstream DOES disrupt typical and mainstream children's education.

"Anti social behaviour upsetting children and adults. There’s no free pass to cause distress due to SEN!"

My autistic son is caused distress by NT people on a regular basis but he is expected to put up with it.

Parenting in some cases is unequivocally an issue.

When I worked in a primary school, there was a Mum who would constantly complain that the school wasn’t doing enough for her SEN child, but she would keep them off at least twice a week. Any time the child was a home lunch they wouldn’t come back in the afternoon. She once kept them off because their neighbour got a new kitten! But the school wasn’t doing enough.

I now work in a secondary school where a SEN first year came in one morning with an energy drink bigger than his arm. It was confiscated and he was asked where he got it to which he replied his Mum buys them for him! He still has one every morning but finishes it outside the school gate.

These are just two examples of many. I’m not saying it’s a majority of parents but it’s certainly a significant minority.

He could well have ND. I have a child with both ADHD and ASD. And when he gets triggered it can be really scary to watch, he usually tries to hurt himself, he punches his head, bashes his head against a hard surface, tries to pull his hair out, saying I hate myself I want to die. I can guarantee you it is far worse for the child involved, as well as their parents as it’s distressing seeing them hurt themselves
after 3.5 nearly years my DA13 has a diagnosis now and is awaiting to see the specialist nurse for medications. Sadly it’s taken 5 months just over to even see the nurse after diagnosis.
the should hopefully has a decent SEN team to help the child

The behaviour is usually due to the SEN child feeling distressed.

OP - Sincerely, as a Mum of 3 (with and without SEN, I’ve experienced it all…) please know, none of our children are perfect. Please stop judging a family, on a snapshot moment in their child’s worst.

Our children will all mess up, it might not be as explosive as that young boys, but they all have their crap learning moments, and at that time, you’ll be praying that the other parents are not judging you, the way you have this family and posting on public forums for opinions on your childs behaviour.

Until it is a direct impact on your child, there is no need to engage with teachers… and please don’t advise your kids on who they should be friends with based on your one moment experience… I can also tell you now, that stuff always gets repeated on the playground, and unless you’re willing to stand there and say that to that child, his teacher and his family’s face, then dont say it to your kid, as they will all, nearly always find out about it.

By not letting your daughter be with difficult children you will be setting her up to not deal with issues herself. If child had hurt your child that’s one thing but you saw a tantrum or meltdown if they are special needs. Perhaps the very young child doesn’t want to be in school and has separation anxiety. A lot of children can be physical at that age in playground.If your child is worried tell her to tell her teacher. Learning to be happy with all situations is best thing for her as life is like that.

I saw the same thing once when my DD was around 7 years old. Twins in her class both attacked their mother, kicking her and hitting her around the head and face for around 5 minutes - no-one was close enough to intervene or offer support. They were complete angels in class!! Both now very high achieving adults, intelligent individuals 🤷‍♀️

You’re right it’s not your business to isolate and punish a child that is not yours because he threw a tantrum age 6. Teach your daughter what to do if someone behaves in a way that makes her uncomfortable (seek a trusted adult, say ‘stop’ etc).

Came here to say I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. Sounds awful what you saw and as a protective parent myself, I too would have felt worried for my child being around a child with that kind of temper.

My DS is not SEN but went through a period where he was really hating school and struggling (pressure from school over SATS) and he lashed out and refused to go in aged 8. He’s never done it since, and I had been telling the school he was unhappy - had to work hard with them to get him going in again. He was also a nightmare to get in for the first term of reception. He’s now year 9 and a perfectly well adjusted and settled kid with lots of friends and thriving academically. Oh and he has never lashed out at another child or us since.

Transitions are really tough for kids, SEN or otherwise. OP - your DD may have times later in life where she struggles. Don’t judge based on one morning in the playground.

You’re not judging? Except you are

If he did that in class either he or all the other children would be removed from the room. It really doesn't happen often that they suddenly kick off without us staff knowing it is building up or about to happen. If it's a usual behaviour he probably has a one to one and a system in place for meltdowns and a room he will be taken to.

I'm a teacher. We deal with this. You don't need to point it out. Imagine if the other 29 parents in the class also felt the need to point it out. I understand it might be unsettling for you but unless you are going to wrap your child in cotton wool at home for the rest of their life they will experience children (and adults) displaying a multitude of different behaviours. Please trust the teachers to keep all the children safe.

This. To make it clear Sen children regularly disrupting education in the classroom of others or being violent to children is unacceptable (and I’ve outlined how that issue can be improved)

However, as someone who lives with a Sen child and has other NT children who have to live on a daily basis in close proximity to their disabled sibling like so many other NT children, the idea that it’s so traumatic and terrible for somebody’s child to simply witness from a distance a Sen child having a bit of a meltdown suggests a real lack of resilience. I’ve observed disabled people including adults having meltdowns in many places in public, it’s just part of having SEN people in public life.

Or your comment.

Agreed.

We were at a SEN play session on Sunday, at a trampoline park. There was a little boy with what looked like carers, who ended being being restrained by two adults, on a trampoline.

The extent of our reaction was saying to our son “Oooh, let’s bounce over here! Can you follow me?” We moved our kid out the way and… that was the end of that.

The child is in crisis, doesn’t mean everyone around him has to be.

The part of you that thinks you should leave it and mind your own business is correct. You’ve acknowledged he may have SEN - do you really want to be encouraging your daughter to avoid disabled people? How does that fit with your morals?

The number of ND children in the UK is st least one in ten. Maybe it's society that needs to adapt, not the children.

The thing is, you can’t promise to keep children safe. It’s not a criticism. But you can’t.

I’ve said above that my daughter has violent children in her class who throw chairs. If one of them decides to throw a chair with no warning (which happens) you can’t prevent that. You might deal swiftly and competently with the aftermath but you can’t stop it happening at all. And you can’t guarantee that it won’t happen again.

My friend is a teacher and regularly gets parents demanding “how are you going to ensure my child’s safety??” They can’t 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sorry op… I mean you can’t really.

Year1 is a big change from reception and I think it is kind “normal” to have a few kicks at the start of this particular year. Maybe he does have SEN or maybe he just doesn’t want to go in school and completely lash out…
anxiety is a real thing in children these days.

I would say if both parents were there, they are aware he is atm unwell and try to support him?

Poor little boy. Sad really…