To not want my daughter near a little boy at school after what I saw this morning?

[Editormedi]

Am I being silly or is this worrying?

So at drop off this morning I saw something that really unsettled me. There’s a little boy in dd’s class (year 1) and when his parents brought him in he completely lost it. I mean properly lashing out. He was kicking his dad hard in the shins, screaming at his mum to “shut up” over and over, trying to smack her face. It went on for a good few minutes and everyone in the playground was watching. The parents looked mortified but also a bit helpless, like this wasn’t the first time.

I know kids can have meltdowns and off days, I’m not judging that. But I have to admit it really worried me. If he’s like that with his parents what’s he like with the other dc? Dd is quite quiet and gentle and I don’t want her to end up on the receiving end.

Part of me thinks I should just leave it, it’s none of my business. Another part of me feels like I should say something to the teacher, or at least try to make sure dd keeps her distance. But I don’t want to be unfair on a 6 year old either, maybe he has SEN or something going on at home.

I just can’t shake the image of him hitting out and the thought of him doing the same to my dd makes me feel protective.

AIBU? Should I just ignore and stop overthinking, or would you mention it to the teacher? Handhold please. Flame me if I’m being PFB/OTT, but I came away really unsettled.

You have no idea what you saw. You saw a glimpse of a child’s morning and have leapt to judgements. He might have SEN, he might be poorly behaved and he might have just been having a strop. It won’t be contagious don’t worry, the parents will know they’re judged regardless.

I have a 7 year old son with SEN. He’s at a specialist SEMH school, he is restrained when required and can be incredibly verbally and physically aggressive when dysregulated. He has diagnosed AuDHD and PDA. He’s always been this way. It still took 3 years, £15k being suspended multiple times from pre school, two mainstream primary schools (one in an ASD unit) before the council would even consider specialist. Unfortunately to get to specialist we had to send him somewhere, which he couldn’t cope with even on a reduced timetable. He didn’t actually harm the other children because he wasn’t allowed in the school, he just ran around a playground in all weathers for 45 minutes a day before being picked up in place of any education.

I’m aware I’m being judged every day, every glance. I know I’m less than and I know my son is less than. But I also know I work 100x harder than NT parents just to get his uniform on, to get in the car or to walk around Tesco. I use skills I didn’t know I needed just to survive. For the record I’ve done the course. Every parenting course that exists. The initial gambit from any and all professional will be to blame the mum (no one suggested a parenting course to DH) and blame me for being anxious/too soft/too rigid/too strict accordingly.

Don't worry, he’s at a specialist now so you won’t have to have him inflicted on you or near you. You can complain about his expensive transport or education on another thread. We’re both totally isolated.

Good lord. Seriously?

Most likely he only does that with his parents and masks at school. You’ve not received any complaints from your daughter so mind your own business and concentrate on your own child

The child is possibly autistic/ADHD, having a meltdown (not a tantrum!) due to overwhelming anxiety. In which case his actions are completely out of his control and that of his parents. This absolutely does not mean that he is violent in class or with other children.
He and his family need empathy, not judgement.

of course a teacher wouldn’t choose your daughter to keep safe and protect ahead of the other kids in the class.

My son regularly hits me and swears at me. And his dad. To every other person on the planet he is the nicest, sweetest kid, as he is with us when he isn’t having an anxiety-induced meltdown. He has never laid a finger on anyone else and I genuinely think it wouldn’t even occur to him to. Please don’t judge a snapshot of a person’s life.

YABU.

Him showing all these big feelings towards his parents has no bearing on your dd and them being in the same class.

Has your DD ever mentioned this child? At 6 mine would tell me if a classmate hurt them or scared them. Mine will tell me "X was really sad today, they went in the little room with their friend to do lego with Mrs Y" etc. But he's being raised with empathy for others.

I really feel for his parents. My eldest has sen and he isn't physical when he's in crisis luckily but he would cry everyday going into school. I know people judged me for it (other parents and teachers) and I still feel sorry for them, that they've been raised with zero care or curiosity for what's going on for other people.

Sorry but this is very self-pitying.

No one thinks you or your son are “less than”. Honestly, I’m only interested in how things affect my child. She has violent kids in her class. I don’t think they are “less than” nor am I worried about them being “contagious” but I am worried that she may be hit by a chair or have her learning disrupted, yes. I’m not massively interested in the why

The child obviously needs discipline if he misbehaves teachers will take care of him I would not worry

I thought this was supposed to be a 'safe' place to get some perspective and advice, but some of the comments on here are unreal.

OP you're entitled to feel unsettled. However, put yourself in that boy's parent's shoes for a moment. Maybe the boy is well behaved at home and the parents were taken by surprise or, more likely, this happens alot but they were too scared to respond to him for fear of what everyone watching would say. Or, they just don't know how to handle it, so let it play out, which sadly, is rarely successful. You'll have to get used to this sort of thing, you're DD is only 6 you've got another 12yrs of this ahead of you. As a parent we have to teach our kids that there will always be people they'll have to work with that they may not like, but we teach them the skills to navigate that.

You really can't say anything to the school unless or until your DD come homes telling you the boy did something. Even then, go very carefully, 1 solitary incident is forgivable, if repeated that is not okay. The likelihood is the teacher would call you or take you aside at the end of the day, "there was an incident, we're handling it", type of thing.

It’s AIBU not a “please give me some support” forum.

and posters are forthright in their responses

🤷‍♀️

The trouble is that even in mainstrem now, that the target for being kept safe is the SEN child. I take it non of you have seen some of the psots regarding the child who attacked his teachers, biting, pulling hair, landing one in hospital. pretty much wrecked the classroom - but they wern't allowed to intervene to protect the other children or themselves becuase the kid was special needs and needed "understanding" or some such claptrap. At that point they should not be in school.

"Handhold accepted"? no babe, no one's holding your hand. Get a grip.
From my experience, the child has behaviour issues. He will most likely be fine within five mins of going through the doors. The child doesn't need parents like you judging him behind his back for behaviour he so obviously cannot control.

I actually think you should go to the school and tell them your worries. They will educate you on neurosensitive children.

When it gets to that point, everyone knows that the child shouldn't be in mainstream education but unfortunately, specialist schools don't happen instantly and parents and schools have to fight to provide evidence that mainstream education isn't suitable for the child.

It should be easier but specialist schools have limited places and some specialist schools can cost a fortune and naturally, the local authority will always not want to spend money.

I agree that children with those behaviours are not in the right place or getting the right support. If you read through the responses from SEN parents you’ll see how desperate many have been for their child to have better support or go to a special school instead, and how much of an impossible battle it can be- even when there is overwhelming evidence that they need to be in specialist settings. Most SEN parents are the ones pushing for there to be better funding and provision and more accessibility to SEN schools- the very things that will actually make this situation better for everybody involved.

Until this changes not much else will. Sadly I also see the same types of users who are so critical of Sen children and their parents also criticising the expense of funded special school places, the child in their DCs class getting a full-time 1-to-1 (which may be what’s keeping them calm and under control), the free taxis taking disabled children every morning (because the nearest special school is 45 minutes away!)

But anyway, this OP isn’t even talking about that sort of level of violence within classroom time, just that her DD observed from a distance a child having a bit of a meltdown before school.

You want a handhold for witnessing a child have a meltdown!!?? Jesus.

Can you imagine if this occurred in your life 8 times a day and you were woken 4 times a night 354 days a year. Then maybe you could ask for a handhold.

I don't know what year 1 is but I'm thinking 6 or 7? You don't know if this is a one off or a regular thing. Some kids have meltdowns once in a blue moon and never harm anyone else, they isolate themselves til they calm down. What you saw doesn't necessarily mean this child is difficult or violent. It's only a few weeks into new term so if a child is ever going to meltdown it's this week.

I would caution speaking to the school about this unless something happens directly with your daughter. The school will most likely be aware and as a parent of a SEN child with tendencies like this, I can attest to how difficult it can be. As soon as that higher processing part of their brain switches off (which happens when kids are having big feelings), it’s can be really difficult to bring them down again especially if SEN or MH needs are there. Finding a supportive school and community for children like this is challenging enough without having to deal with judgement from other parents. Maybe you could strike up a conversation with the parents of the boy and ask how he’s getting on starting school. You might be surprised how forthcoming they are if you just chat with them. You’d probably feel better too instead of keeping them and their child at arms length.

Yep.

My disabled son is in mainstream education and it's working well but only because he has an expensive EHCP package with 1:2 TA's.

If your child doesn't have additional needs OP why can't she tell you exactly what is going on in the classroom? Maybe you should consider SEN assessment if she doesn't have the cognitive ability or language yet.

Or he's just a little sh!t there's a kid on my estate does this every day he doesn't have sen or any other issues he's just a brat whose parents have absolutely no control over him and he knows by kicking off he gets to stay off school

My child is autistic and this sort of behaviour is a regular occurrence at his group therapy appointments. Not by him but by the other kids. He has been assaulted numerous times by children whose behaviour is best described as “feral”.

Mine has tried it once with me and once at school.

I don’t put up with my child demonstrating this behaviour.

It’s been explained to me the reason why they won’t say the word no to autistic children and I completely disagree. If a child can’t handle the word no then they shouldn’t be allowed out in public.

I would have felt exactly the same as you! Very unnerved and protective of my child.

I hope your dd is ok. I’m sorry this is happening at a sensitive time when one really needs things to feel safe and calm.

Yes you are being silly

yes you absolutely are judging

yes you are being ott

no you don’t talk to a teacher. It’s not your business, they won’t discuss another child’s behaviour with you. It didn’t happen to your child or in the classroom.

How do you know he doesn't have SEN or any other issues?

It doesn’t matter, does it. If he can’t behave in a way that is socially acceptable for all the other little kids, he needs to be removed and given a different entry point. He doesn’t have the right to upset everybody, and there’s no requirement for everyone to fabricate rhino skin at the drop of a hat to adapt to a child that should be removed for disruptive behaviour.