to not invite my sister for Christmas?

NameChangedforThis3036 · 2025-09-15T01:04:36+00:00

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her. I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both. Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us. Help!

CeciliaMars · 15/09/2025 02:09

Wow. As bad as you feel, maybe she feels worse without a husband and kids to help her through? Don’t leave her on her own.

TheReformedSlob · 15/09/2025 02:11

What's with all these Christmas threads? It's September!

PestoHoliday · 15/09/2025 02:13

I'm so sorry for your loss.

No, you are not awful to want to step back from Christmas this year. It's not forever. Saying you can't face it is ok.

Ponderingwindow · 15/09/2025 02:22

TheReformedSlob · 15/09/2025 02:11

What's with all these Christmas threads? It's September!

Many families have to make plans now or even earlier. We just finalized ours.

ApricotCheesecake · 15/09/2025 02:24

It's up to you OP, but I think in the circumstances it would be really nice to include her.

Readyforslippers · 15/09/2025 02:27

I understand, but it sounds like she might need you this year.

DrPrunesqualer · 15/09/2025 02:31

She did most of the care so I think being alone is going to be very hard
and you should invite her

Nothankyov · 15/09/2025 02:31

I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t be able to leave her out this year. Next year maybe but leaning her alone at Christmas after the loss of a parent that she cared for seems unnecessarily cruel to me.

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:42

Nothankyov · 15/09/2025 02:31

I’m sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t be able to leave her out this year. Next year maybe but leaning her alone at Christmas after the loss of a parent that she cared for seems unnecessarily cruel to me.

I can see that. She was there when Mum died, as well. It's just that I've had very few Xmases being just us, and the kids are virtually grown up now.

OP posts:

Cheerupluv123 · 15/09/2025 02:45

I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally understand that you are exhausted and hosting would feel like a huge chore (I've been there) But it would be so sad for your sister to be alone this year after losing your mum. Could you perhaps set the bar really low and explain that you aren't feeling up to being the 'hostess with the mostess' and invite her to join you for a really low key, relaxing day. Your kids are old enough to help prepare dinner, and then afterwards just do Christmas telly and chocolates?

BlueSeagull · 15/09/2025 02:53

Would you actually be able to enjoy your day knowing that your sister was sat on her own?

How would you feel if this was the other way round and she said you weren’t wanted there despite knowing you had no other family.

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:55

BlueSeagull · 15/09/2025 02:53

Would you actually be able to enjoy your day knowing that your sister was sat on her own?

How would you feel if this was the other way round and she said you weren’t wanted there despite knowing you had no other family.

I know, it's just that I have NEVER wanted to host family for Christmas, I always wanted to have it with my husband and kids only, and we always had to have family for much of the kids' lives.

OP posts:

TipsyCoralOtter · 15/09/2025 03:00

So you've left her to do the brunt work of caring for your mum, and now, at a time where she is likely feeling immense grief and loneliness, you want to leave her out because it's inconvenient for you. Did you ever think about how much you leaving it all to your sister might have burnt her out?

You don't have to host a six course dinner but at least making sure she's not on her own after she's done so much for you (by taking on caregiving duties) is surely the least you can do to thank her.

MumbleJumble123 · 15/09/2025 03:02

I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like an horrible year for both you and your sister.

Does she live close enough to just come round for a few hours, so she’s not alone for the full day.
Unless there’s a backstory about you not getting on then I’d invite her for at least some of the day.

It doesn’t have to be a massive, stressful event just because she’s joining you. If you don’t have the energy to cook the full meal then buy stuff pre-prepared/delegate to your DH and kids/have something non-traditional and easy this year. Or invite her over later in the day to watch a Christmas film and just have mince pies and chocolates/go for a Christmas morning walk together (whatever your family likes to do that she can easily join in with).

She may also be exhausted and not want to come, but her year has been just as bad as yours and I don’t think I could just leave her alone without at least giving her the option for some company (you can always have a completely chilled day on Boxing Day with just your DH and kids).

Wiltingasparagusfern · 15/09/2025 03:02

TipsyCoralOtter · 15/09/2025 03:00

So you've left her to do the brunt work of caring for your mum, and now, at a time where she is likely feeling immense grief and loneliness, you want to leave her out because it's inconvenient for you. Did you ever think about how much you leaving it all to your sister might have burnt her out?

You don't have to host a six course dinner but at least making sure she's not on her own after she's done so much for you (by taking on caregiving duties) is surely the least you can do to thank her.

This. It would be unbelievably harsh - not to mention very ungrateful of all her care work during your mother’s illness - to not invite her. Just so hurtful and even possibly unforgivable. Think very carefully about this as you could lose your sister

BlueSeagull · 15/09/2025 03:04

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:55

I know, it's just that I have NEVER wanted to host family for Christmas, I always wanted to have it with my husband and kids only, and we always had to have family for much of the kids' lives.

Show quote history

I can understand that, I don’t particularly want in laws with us but they are always welcome.

Could you have your sister Christmas Day then between Christmas and new have second Christmas with just husband and children.

NomoneyNoprospects · 15/09/2025 03:04

I get where you're coming from but I would not be able to leave a sibling alone/potentially alone at Xmas, especially as she's also had a dreadful year, unless there's a backstory here and you don't get on. I wouldn't be able to enjoy the day knowing she was sat at home by herself. Is she nearby? Can she just come mid morning, have prosecco and lunch and go home later?

Obviously you can do what you like but I'd expect her to be quite hurt when you tell her. She's done a lot of care, lost her mum and her marriage has broken down. You and your family can still have both Xmas eve and boxing day by yourselves which are far nicer and more enjoyable days imo.

toastofthetown · 15/09/2025 03:07

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 02:55

I know, it's just that I have NEVER wanted to host family for Christmas, I always wanted to have it with my husband and kids only, and we always had to have family for much of the kids' lives.

Show quote history

It’s obviously up to you who you invite, but imm wondering why this is the year you put your foot down? Is your sister generally decent and you get on with her? You said your kids are almost grown, so do they enjoy time with their aunt. It seems odd that in the context of an otherwise living relationship, the first year your sister has no parents and no partner to spend it with is the year that you decide you can no longer tolerate Christmas guests.

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:08

She lives about 100 miles away and doesn't drive.

I don't feel I'm responsible for her lack of family. She didn't want kids. If she was that bothered about a family, she could have had them.

We get on fine. She's pretty forgiving. I've just always been more into my own family than my original family.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:09

toastofthetown · 15/09/2025 03:07

It’s obviously up to you who you invite, but imm wondering why this is the year you put your foot down? Is your sister generally decent and you get on with her? You said your kids are almost grown, so do they enjoy time with their aunt. It seems odd that in the context of an otherwise living relationship, the first year your sister has no parents and no partner to spend it with is the year that you decide you can no longer tolerate Christmas guests.

Show quote history

I've felt like this for years and have managed to have the last few Christmases free of my in-laws or my own family, and it's been bliss.

Yes, she's very decent. I don't think she would ever do this if the tables were turned, which makes me feel worse....but I just want my own family Christmas so much.

OP posts:

ExtraOnions · 15/09/2025 03:10

Who do you normally have over at Christmas ?

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:14

ExtraOnions · 15/09/2025 03:10

Who do you normally have over at Christmas ?

For most of my married life, I had to have my parents or my ILs. Sis and I always took turns hosting our parents until the pandemic, and since 2020 I've been able to have it just us, and I don't want to go back. We get on fine, I just want Christmas to be just us.

OP posts:

Original poster

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:18

The kids love her. But there's no getting round it - I just don't want her there, in the way that I don't want any family at Christmas and never have. I know she'd be OK with staying at a nearby hotel, as she's offered before, but then one of us would have to drive her back there and we wouldn't be able to drink. I never had a Christmas with just us when the kids were children, and now our time as a nuclear family is coming to a close. The oldest already has a serious partner.

OP posts:

JudeyJudey · 15/09/2025 03:20

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:08

She lives about 100 miles away and doesn't drive.

I don't feel I'm responsible for her lack of family. She didn't want kids. If she was that bothered about a family, she could have had them.

We get on fine. She's pretty forgiving. I've just always been more into my own family than my original family.

Wow.

She lives 100 miles away and did most of the caring? How much did you do and how far away did your mum live?

toastofthetown · 15/09/2025 03:20

NameChangedforThis3036 · 15/09/2025 03:09

I've felt like this for years and have managed to have the last few Christmases free of my in-laws or my own family, and it's been bliss.

Yes, she's very decent. I don't think she would ever do this if the tables were turned, which makes me feel worse....but I just want my own family Christmas so much.

Edited

Show quote history

You said you felt like this for years, but why this year when ostensibly your guest needs you more than any other year? You aren’t responsible for her being alone, but that seems a very individualistic mindset to have in the context of a loving relationship? It’s not about your being responsible, it’s that most people want to be there for their family during their most difficult times. If I were your sister though, I’d probably be very hurt and it would permanently damage the relationship.

I can’t imagine not extending an invitation to my sister, or my parents not extending an invitation to their siblings in similar situations. I had some odd Christmases as a child and teen when family/ friends of my parents would have been alone and joined us instead. It wasn’t my parents fault they would have been alone and not their responsibility to host them, but they did because they loved them.