to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

Looking at yourself is going well, I see.

There's no polite response to this one.

Wow you are horrible!

I think it's funny how you only want your dh and kids for Xmas day yet say you'll never be alone for it in the future... what if your dh dies and all your kids only want to spend Xmas day with their spouses and kids??

Unbelievably cruel, heartless and selfish OP

It's late. Or, early. I need some time to think.

I have lost count of the number of times you've mentioned her decision to not have children. You seem very bitter about it.

Then I would be OK.

We're also not hosting PILs, as we might have been expected to do this year. We told the truth - that I am just not up to it after losing Mum and all the sadness and worry, It was HORRENDOUS towards the end.

This is nothing to do with personal responsibility and everything to do with having empathy for your own bloody sister.
Clearly you have none so I am going to stop engaging Your sister sounds like she’d be better off not being with you anyway.
I do hope you never get to be treated the way you treat her.

It's also not her fault that you chose to host your in-laws for years and years. But the fact that you did that is one of the key reasons why you think that you should not host her this year.

Invite her. Then plan Christmas so you have pockets of alone time with your DH and DC. So perhaps you have a lovely breakfast together and she does not come over till 11. Let one of the kids drive her back to the hotel if no taxis are available. Plan one on one time with each of the DC. Set up a jigsaw in the corner for anyone to have a go at during the day and perhaps she will spend some time doing that. Offer her a room to have an after lunch nap if she would like.

There is no perfect solution here but there are ways to still have a lovely christmas without excluding her completely.

I’m wondering what actual difference would it make to have her there? She’s just one person. You don’t have to wait on her.

But I do think it’s quite harsh. Surely you can step back next year.

Why are you using her lack of children to justify your stance?

That is a total red herring.

It's very little extra work to have one additional person who sounds like they will be undemanding.

You've used not being able to drink as an excuse a few times. Is there an alcohol dependency issue?

Don’t be silly. It’s Xmas and people like to celebrate with a drink 🙄

I can't actually believe what I'm reading. It goes beyond selfish. The notion of intentionally leaving your sister on her own at Christmas after she has done so much to take care of your mum, is simply cruel. Your reasoning and constant references to her choice not to have children comes across as very spiteful. You sound cold. I would find a decision like this hard to fathom as one of your children , but it would stick in my memory and would affect my lifelong opinion of you. I feel so gutted for your sister. This year , of all years , she needs you. I also think you are confusing having boundaries with being totally selfish. Just do the right thing.

This isn’t you setting “boundaries” or “self-care” and I really hate it when people use therapy speak to justify being really unkind or selfish. Because, that is exactly what you are doing op. If you don’t want her at Christmas, don’t have her, but know that it makes you selfish, lacking in empathy and unpleasant. Personally, if I was one of your DC or your DH, I’d be insisting that she came, so she wasn’t alone. It would be different if she was a horrible person but she’s not? Her only “crime” in your eyes is not having children!

Earlier you said

They're really young and not living together or engaged or anything. I was talking about this Christmas only, because next year they might want to spend it together. That's the point, this might be our last nuclear Christmas, and I just resent feeling responsible for my sister.

So are they really young or are they old enough that they might want to spend it with a partner next year.

They're 22, which I think is really young. They've only just left uni.

If she had chosen to have kids then she wouldn't have had your mum the last five years and you wouldn't have had you own super speshul Christmas with just your kids. She facilitated that for you without complaint. She facilitated you to not have to spend most of your time not caring for your mum.

Your sister not having kids was perfectly fine when it went in your favour.

You can have a glass of wine with your lunch, drive the sister back to her hotel later then have several drinks when you return home. But maybe they are the sort who are legless by lunchtime?!

Apparently not when it comes to your own mother. If I was your sister then I'd disown you.

This thread is actually upsetting to read because it is so selfish.

So you had to go to a few medical appointments and did a bit of driving? Poor you. Your sister has taken on the brunt of care for years and you’ve been able to pretty much continue your normal life because she has sacrificed so much of her time and wellbeing to your mother’s final years. Are you not grateful for that? Do you not feel guilty that you did not or were not able to help
more?

Your mother passed only a few weeks ago and you are concentrating already on how you can shut your sister out. She actually sounds like a really decent person. And frankly, decent sisters don’t need much hosting at Christmas. I shared the care of my dying father with my older sister and she has decided not to have children by choice, whereas I have two small children. When she comes to mine for Christmas she spends a lot of it hanging out with me in the kitchen, food prepping, making mince pies with my 5 year old, etc etc. I don’t host her, she mucks in.

I just can’t believe how horribly selfish you are being.

I am dumbfounded at this thread. I was expecting you to describe abuse from your DS or a chaotic personality and all it is someone who is so hung up on having a very specific holiday w/ her nuclear family, despite claiming to love her sister. Once, you and your sister had every Christmas together, now your children have what you once did and maybe in the future your children will have children. While you seem to recognize this cyclical changing family dynamic, you fail to feel any joy at being with someone who you used to love being with.

I love my sisters so much, I miss them and we try to be together for Christmas as much as possible...it's evolved to having their husbands, children and soon spouses of our own children, but to leave one out because they hadn't created a nuclear family seems heartless. And also really, really odd.

It's not like one extra person will make more work for you either.

And you don't want ILs there either. They are your DH and your DC's family. Seriously, you seem extraordinarily selfish. Who made you the family dictator?

This whole thread is basically you making pretty poor excuses for not wanting to do the right thing.

Yet your OP says

I wouldn't let my eldest spend Christmas with her partner. She lives at home as she's only just finished uni. She knows she's expected to be home with us for Christmas and his parents have similar expectations for him. They're long distance as they met at uni so can't just pop round. This is what I mean - some year soon, they are going to insist on Xmas together, and nuclear family Xmases will be no more. They are all on the cusp of adulthood. I missed out on having Christmas as just us all the years they were children, and I just want these few before they all get partners.

You'd be happy alone but currently force your kids back home.

My sister also didn’t have children. I could never imagine holding that against her at a time when she might feel lonely and in need.
She died suddenly and without warning last year. I’d give anything to welcome her into our loving home this Christmas, but we will never have that chance again.
I hope that when I’m gone my children will manage to be kinder to each other than you manage to be to your sibling.

The eldest lives at home full time and the others are at uni. I'm not forcing anyone home. Eldest hasn't asked to spend Xmas with her partner, but she might next year.