to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

But one of us would have to take her back to her hotel, so one of us would not be able to drink.

Sorry, @NameChangedforThis3036, I misread your post saying that you couldn’t have a drink as you’d have to drive her-but you meant back to her hotel, not all the way home!

I do think that you need to invite her this year but I also have sympathy for your position.

Your sister made it so you could have 5 years with your ‘nuclear family’. In the year her mother dies you can’t extend an invite?

One way traffic with you. Your children are watching & learning. Model something kind.

No Ubers where you live then?

I can't imagine doing this to my sister. How awful for her that you'd treat her like this.

I don't even know her and I'd have her here so she wasn't alone this year of all years, yet her own sister can't extend the same courtesy.

What goes around comes around and hopefully you'll be left alone at Christmas at some point, to get a taste of your own medicine.

I assume there wouldn't be any ubers or taxis late on Xmas day. And we are out in the sticks.

Oh! No, to the hotel. Thank you for saying you have sympathy for my position. There's a huge chance that this may be our last-ever nuclear Christmas, given that my oldest might want to be with her partner next year.

My parents are out in the sticks and were always able to prebook a taxi for Christmas Day for my grandma in the evening.

You're right that there's a lot of talk about 'boundaries' online these days.

In this case, I think you've misunderstood, or at least taken it too far.

"Boundaries and self care" should be about protecting yourself from mistreatment. It's not supposed to be a carte blanche to be selfish and heartless towards others.

How would you feel if this happened to one of your DC after you and your DH die? If one of them didn’t have children/ any other family and the other 2 refused to host them for Christmas so they had to spend it alone.

She can get a taxi.

Well, I'm not sure we could, and we don't have any spare bedrooms. Only the office downstairs.

On Christmas night in the sticks? I'm not so sure.

Good point.

Have you even tried to see if it's possible?

You sound worse and worse each time you post, frankly.

Has your sister ever hosted Christmas, OP?

Well, perhaps I'd better stop posting then.

This has made me take a look at myself.

Of course she can, just book it in advance.
You don’t want to find the solution or compromise so you never will.
Honestly just don’t invite her - sounds like it would ruin your Christmas & round off your year. Let life play out - maybe you will never be alone at Christmas, maybe you will. Roll the dice and see.

It sounds like you’ve made your mind up and just want that ‘rarified’ by others.
Sorry but I think you’re being heartless and quite selfish.
It might be the last year of your nuclear family, it might not but given your sister will be on her own I think it’s a small price to pay.

She hosted our parents every other year and our remaining one every year since the pandemic. When she was married she knew not to offer to host us because she knew we wouldn't come. Since we had children I have always insisted on staying at home for Christmas and been very clear about that. Their house would have been way too small for eight or nine anyway.

Your sister would be lucky to spend it alone. What a selfish horror you are. She did 'most' of the care and you know she is going to be alone? Vile.

It’s only one person, so not exactly ‘hosting’ as such. Just one extra joining in with your family, just doesn’t seem like it could be that onerous. Realistically, you won’t cook one more or one less thing with one person, and your day needn’t change in any way. The only thing would be making up a bed, and you could just do that in advance if the day.

But why is it MY FAULT when she CHOSE not to have kids?

Really, you think that’s an appropriate response!?
Unbelievable…….

Well, I'm very hot on personal responsibility.

I will never rely on my kids to host me at Xmas. I'd be fine on my own.

I am very independent. Sometimes I wonder if I'm neurodivergent.