to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

I think it’s really cruel to exclude your DS - particularly as this is the first Christmas without both her parents and she has no husband and kids to support her through this. She’s lost her mum too.
I also think you’re teaching your children a lesson you might one day regret. If they see you comfortable with excluding DS at what’s likely to be the hardest Christmas for her yet, don’t be surprised in the future if you find yourself alone at Christmas whilst they enjoy family days ‘just them’ and their children / partners. You’ll have taught them that Christmas is about being selfish and prioritising your own needs - which is directly in contrast to the true spirit of Christmas.

Life is unfortunately a sequence of instances of not getting what we want.
Your sister doesn't even have a husband anymore. Talk about disappointment!

Generally life is lots of small disappointments on top of the big ones, like weddings getting cancelled or scaled down during covid, young people missing out on prom etc
We just need to soldier on.

I'm very sorry for your loss. It's hard to see clear when grieving but try to not to focus on your idea of the perfect Christmas it sounds like you do have good memories of previous ones, so it’s not like you've never had a Christmas with just your family.

With three kids, I really don't think I'm ever going to be alone at Christmas.

I think it would be pretty awful not to invite her actually.

Your mother's death is very recent. By December you'll have had another 3 months and you might be feeling a bit different from now.

She's alone and she did most of the caring. Probably almost all of the caring infact. You need to properly acknowledge that.

They are adults not children and as such if the eldest decides they want to spend Christmas with their partner even if it's not at partners house there is nothing you can do about it. You can still have a drink if your sister stays in a hotel become there is this thing called taxis

I agree that you’re not responsible with your sister’s life choices, I.e., that she married someone horrible and decided not to have children, but you need to be compassionate and invite her. She may not choose to come, but extend the invitation.

Re. Driving. Could she take the train to a nearby station and be picked up? As an adult, I’ve never expected anyone to do a 200-mile round trip to pick me up and then drop me home again. What I’d do is extend the invitation and not mention lifts.

With a Sister and 3 nieces / nephews, maybe your DS thought this too once upon a time. And yet, here she is.

Ask your sister to bring the starters snd cheese ( prepared) you do the main course. Teens are in charge of dessert. Dh cleans and tidies everything up whilst you and ds put your feet up and toast your mum.

I wouldn’t leave her on her own esp not this year, no.

I just don't think I should be responsible for my sister. It may sound harsh, but she did choose not to have kids. Christmas is only a couple of days - I just think that she'll be OK but this might be my last ever Christmas with just us five. She's accepted Mum's death because she was suffering and it was time for her to go. And she's quietly religious too, so she draws strength from that. She'll probably go to church on Christmas.

You resented your own parents spending Christmas with you and wish you had objected. What if they all do what you wanted to?

It's not the same as having your own kids though, is it?

I'd have my husband. But what I'm saying is, I don't think all three would leave me on my own if I didn't have him.

Well if they choose to prioritise their immediate, family rather than extended family you might.

Its amazing what children learn from their parents.

Why would you expect your children to spend Xmas with you once they have their own family. Surely your whole view point is Xmas is for the nuclear family so you won't be accepting any invite from them or expecting them to come to you

Did your sister spend the last 5 or 6 Christmases with your mum? Seems you abandoned your mum for your "family", lets hope your kids don't follow suit.

Yes, and I am determined not to foist myself on them if I'm not welcome. I'll never put them through the Christmas pressure I received all throughout their childhood. DH and I will go away for Christmas.

So what exactly is your “AIBU” OP? You clearly already think you are being reasonable .,

There is every chance you will be on your own op in later years. Dc grow up and have their own families and in laws etc. Your dh is not guaranteed a long and aged life.

That’s not the point though. Your total lack of empathy is the issue here. Your poor sister.

In 2019 she went away with her husband. 2020 would normally have been with Mum, but...pandemic. Then 2021, 2022, 2023, and 2024 she spent it alone with Mum.

Sounds like you've made your mind up.
You came here for affirmation because derp down you know you're not doing the right thing.
Self-care is not inviting an overbearing MIL and her drunk partner who spends all day criticising your food and home. It's not excluding a sister who has just carried the burden of care for the family.

But you do you... I hope your sister has some nicer friends.

Your sister thought she would have her husband too, things change.

I'm confused because there is an emphasis these days on boundaries and self-care, but then I feel guilty.

It’s definitely tricky when you’re expected to host other people year after year, I do understand that

I’d follow @Nestingbirds advice this year though and make it as simple as possible. And don’t mention 200-mile round trip lifts, that expectation is ridiculous.

But you said you "wouldn't let" your dc spend Christmas with a partner and that they knew what your "expectations" were. That attitude contradicts your apparent selfless hopes for their future Christmases.

I really, really don't think that all three would leave me on my own if I didn't have their dad. Christmas alone is something I don't think I need to worry about.