to not invite my sister for Christmas?

[NameChangedforThis3036]

Our mother died in late August of dementia. Our dad died about a decade ago. I have three kids of university age. My sister has no kids as she never really wanted them, and she married a horrible man who had an affair and then left her.

I feel completely and utterly shattered after my mum's illness and death. I long, long, long to have Christmas with just my husband and kids, and no one else. I am dead with exhaustion after this year. Sis did more care, as she had more time, but obvs the whole thing is/was awful for us both.

Would I be unreasonable not to invite my sister for Christmas? She'll be on her own otherwise or have to go to friends, as our parents are gone and she's getting divorced. I know it sounds awful but I'm just so strung out. And I love Christmas just us.

Help!

They're really young and not living together or engaged or anything. I was talking about this Christmas only, because next year they might want to spend it together. That's the point, this might be our last nuclear Christmas, and I just resent feeling responsible for my sister.

Well, there’s a word, and it’s called family. And in theory, your sister is your family. And in the absence of any other family - yes, she probably considers you & your children her only family.

Here’s the thing. What you’re planning for Christmas is mean spirited towards your sister. In fact, I get the impression you don’t particularly like her. It seems you’ve already made up your mind and have come on here for validation which you’re not getting - because it’s really cold hearted and mean to knowingly leave her alone (this of all years). And to put it down to her choosing not to have kids - how long are you going to hold that against her for? It’s not even relevant to the situation. But if it makes you feel better then sure, blame her childlessness instead of your selfishness.

You aren’t the slightest bit confused … you know exactly what you are doing - which seems to be some huge wind-up, on the topic of “boundaries”

So if she hadn't stepped up would you have had your mum round or would you have left her to be on her own? Seems your sister was the one who facilitated your own little "family" Christmas for the last 5 years.

Anyway, you've clearly decided on not inviting her.

Still waiting for the reason why you dislike your sister so much you want her to spend her first Christmas without her mum on her own.

Are you just generally averse to people you didn't grow yourself?

You sound like an absolute cow and I hope one day your children take a leaf from your cook and exclude you at Christmas to focus on their own little families.

If your children are anything like you then I think there is every likelihood might spend Christmas on your own. Or maybe you will get lucky and they will turn out to be more like their aunt than their mother

Wow. I can't believe you'd be this selfish, OP. I'm hoping.this is a wind up. You've had 5 YEARS of Christmases just you and your DC and you can't have your DS three months after her DM - that she has cared for with no help from you - has died?! I don't believe anyone could be this utterly self centred.

She's never asked for a 200-mile round trip, not sure where that came from. She would get the train or coach to the nearest town. That's what she's done before. And she would happily stay in a hotel, she's made that very clear. I just want it to be us, and I know that's awful, but I do.

I'm generally a bit of a misanthrope, yes, apart from my husband and children. I don't like my ILs. I don't like many people. Sometimes I wonder what I've become.

If you were cruel, you would not invite her.

Your kids will appreciate learning how to be kind and stick together as a family in troubled times.
Choose another day, just after Christmas, to be your special, relaxed no extended family day this year or, even better, make it a whole weekend.

On Christmas Day you could engineer your sister arriving for lunch, thus you could have a lazy breakfast. You could also make the day more casual for everyone, including your sister.
Pretend she is not there and arrange food etc without pressure. Ask sister to bring something that is helpful.

Why did you start this thread OP?
You don’t care about your sister, you don’t care about other opinions.
Bit bored?

Even if it was self care and setting boundaries? You previously said you wouldn't foist yourself on them, they'd just be following your example. Although apparently only kids count as family, not parents or siblings.

I didn't do NO caring; when sis went back to her own home, I did some scary medical appointments getting test results and did some barreling down motorways when things went sideways, and was permanently worried.

Not bored. Guilty. I know MN is often all about boundaries so I thought some folk might understand.

I was expecting the OP to reveal that her sister was terrible or a bad guest or or they didn't get on. But no. So I am saying you are very very unreasonable.

I love having Christmas in my own house but would never exclude a sibling like this. It's just a roast dinner and everyone can help get it ready.

This is making me take a hard look at myself.

It’s ok. They more than likely don’t like you either. The universe will repay you with the same level of cruelty you are showing your sister. This has to be a wind up as no one in that awful and self absorbed

You’re a right Scrooge!

You never know what’s round the corner, husbands leave wives all the time when the kids have grown up. And if you’ve modelled selfish behaviour and that nuclear family comes first, then don’t be surprised when you’re on your own for Christmas one day.

You reap what you sow.

I don't hold it against her and am actually very supportive of people who choose not to have kids. It's not for everyone. I just also think that we are responsible for our lives and choices.

The thing is that while you’re entitled to set whatever boundaries you like for whatever reasons, that doesn’t mean that other people don’t get have an opinion on that, especially when you’re inviting opinion.

It's not a wind-up; I just had so many years of Christmas pressure. I don't want to go back. Surely if I have my sister this year, the door is open for every year, since she's no longer with either parent like she has been in the past?

I think it should.
You said yourself DS would stay in a hotel, so you could still have Christmas morning as just your household - have DS from 12 with lunch at (whatever time). You said she’s religious so she may like to attend church Christmas morning anyway.
I think there’s a compromise to be found if you’re willing to extend some warmth to your DS (who has had a horrendous year, is likely exhausted, and is probably acutely aware of how lonely Christmas will be this year if she’s not invited).

I don't mind the opinions, I just thought there might be someone out there who understands how much I hate hosting Christmas.

Heaven forbid you have to cook a roast dinner, and pull a cracker with your sister, once a year.