PIL thrown a strop over Christmas (sorry for mentioning)

[ToysCatapultedFromPram]

We just invited my PIL for Christmas, but they’ve declined in a huff. They aren’t coming.

The reason is because this year I’ve decided to have a bit of an open house. My sibling is staying near me, and as a result is able to bring down my parents. I’ll go pick them up from where they are staying and bring them to mine. How nice to have them in my own house when they live hundreds of miles away. A rare occurrence. My sibling will come over Boxing Day with their family. I’m delighted to host something that may not happen again.

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

However my PIL are not happy about this. TBH due to the proximity of where they live in relation to us, they’ve spent many more Christmases with us than anyone else.

They have been invited, but now declined. My DH is a bit upset.

AIBU to think that;

a) Inviting my DC’s partner is the RIGHT thing to do.

b) Having my family over, a rare occurrence, should be jumped on by me.

c) If my PIL don’t want to join us, that’s their problem, and I’m not going to change the above plans to suit them. I’m going the right thing and if they don’t like it, tough tits. If they want to spend it alone, that’s on them and Tbh I have a lovely family, much nicer than my in-laws, and I’m insulted at the slight.

So who IBU here?

I would say option c!
They can not control who you invite to your home. It's lovely you will be able to spend Christmas with your family, especially your parents which you saying is a rare occasion so don't even think twice. Life is too short and unfortunately we never know when it's the last time we meet, so absolutely spend as much time with them as you can. And now get excited about planning and forget your in-laws. I've just seen Christmas decorations in Bargains today.

God I wonder if we are somehow cosmically related @ToysCatapultedFromPram I had this issue last year so I told my DH that I’m not seeing them this year. In fact I’m fucking off and doing my own thing. They don’t know it yet. Our kids are with family in UK so DH and I are alone. I may go away to a desert island (if we’re not at war by then!).

Whats your DH like?
Does he share their lack of generosity, empathy and compassion?

We are about the same age & a few years ago I had a similar issue with my parents.
My husband died suddenly & unexpectedly with his funeral being 25/11. We had 2 teenaged kids together. I’m also an only child.

Every year my parents came to us Christmas Eve & stayed for a week. My mother didn’t lift a finger, expected to be waited on & have everyone dance to their tune (eg all forced to have certain foods, not allowed alcohol etc). I had the emotional blackmail with my mother saying that I didn’t know how many more Christmases I would have them for.

The year my husband died I spoke with the kids & especially as it was so close to Christmas they wanted a quiet Christmas. We agreed that my parents could come but just for the day. With me collecting them in the morning & returning them early evening.

When I told my mother she threw her teddy & said there was no point in them coming. We stuck to our guns & visited Christmas Eve to deliver their presents. Only at this point did my mother say that if it was all they were going to be offered then they may as well come to us. She sulked the whole time and bad mouthed me to anyone who would listen.

I am so pleased that I stood firm. For once I put our family before my mother. Please stay firm. You are doing the right thing. Your family should not revolve around your MIL like ours should revolve around my mother.

I’m so confused! I can’t see anything wrong with what OP has planned - they sound crazy!

I think it might be phrases like "aren't giving me grace."

I don't think what you are doing is BU OP, but I do think you are talking and sounding quite unpleasantly aggressive in the way you are going about it and talking about it.

They sound selfish as hell. So they'd rather not come than share the holiday with others? Let them miss out. You extended the invitation and they have made their choice.

Christmas isn't just about family. That is just their opinion. It is about loved ones. And your daughter is grown and this is a serious boyfriend. Why on earth should he be excluded? She could end up marrying this guy someday for all the know.

They sound miserable. Let them be miserable. Don't let them ruin your holiday.

They're being ridiculous. Invite them all. , if they don't like it then fine that's their choice

🤣 and I absolutely agree with your username, love it.

DH in the fog, OP? Did you have a tough time when you first got together what with mil needing to be the centre of attention? He can go round and do the begging, which it sounds like he will. When does dd’s partner become ‘family’? When they’ve been married for 20 years and had 5 kids?! What is her objection to him?

Who are the ‘others’ that mil isn’t sure about going to yet? DH’s siblings? Is anyone likely to invite them or will they all think the pil are going to yours as they have done for year upon year so won’t even bother to invite them?

Posts like this are the reason I regularly say a silent prayer of gratitude that I don't have in-laws.

I mean, you sound delighted about it! And to be honest, I don't blame you. But I wouldn't count your chickens just yet. Because my money is on them changing their mind and coming anyway and making things more miserable all round.

100% agree with you. You sound lovely
(better than the other thread where lady won’t invite sis after she’s alone this year cos mum just died)

Sounds like your DH may benefit from some FOG therapy.

Ignore the silly PIL tantrum. But be fully prepared for nonsense from them in December. Expect anything from over-dramatic insistence that they will spend it alone, flouncy sudden appearances to ‘drop off gifts’, tearful calls to DH (inc from other relatives on his side), and sudden illness or talk of thinking of going to hospital.

nothing wrong with what you’ve done.

they are allowed to decline but shouldn’t be annoyed with you in anyway.

As a side issue, do you have any concerns about the fact that your DCs partner has no contact with any family?

Sounds fabulous to me, OP - you get to host a great family Xmas WITHOUT Mr & Mrs Grinch!

Just pretend to everyone including them that they declined gracefully, in order to give you a year where Christmas is just your side of the family, and proceed accordingly.

Alternating years with each set of inlaws is the most sensible and comfortable thing for everyone. If I was them I probably wouldn't want to come either when loads of your family are there, but I wouldn't be a dick about it.

Sounds like a them problem OP. You enjoy yourself with your family ☺️

My parents and in-laws are like chalk and cheese and would not want to spend time together but they don’t hate each other’s guts. Just different lifestyles. I’m happy DC gets to see everyone at some stage over the Xmas and New Year period.

Good old Xmas . There’s really no other occasion like it ( apart from weddings perhaps ) that causes some people to throw a strop . You have extended the invitation so leave it at that . I would invite your own family every year in the hope that this pair don’t come ever again ! Really who do they think they are ? ! They sound absolutely dreadful & I bet u have a great time without them being there !

Your house. Your invite. Their choice

But your family are your blood family and his family are his blood family, so I’m not sure what his point is? Do you usually spend all your christmases with your in-laws?

Who you invite into your home is entirely up to you.
It is not for your PIL to veto the guest list!

If you were to bend to their will over this, it tacitly implies that you agree they should have the final say in the matter.

You must hold the line.

Stand your ground, they’re being ridiculous. I’d start collecting loads of pub Xmas meal flyers and pass them on, when they comment how expensive it is say well it’s not cheap to host!

I did have a similar issue with my in laws a good number of years back, there seemed lots of people and extended family who would otherwise be on their own so invited them, they didn’t have a strop but they weren’t happy and once we scratched the surface we worked out it wasn’t the extra people it was the term “open house” (which dh decided to sell it to them on) as they thought it would be a buffet arrangement/one in one out, and dfil wanted to make sure he got a seat!

I'm so glad we did it, several of those people are no longer with us, some came for a short time, but several stopped a while (including small kids), it was so much fun, nobody was centre of attention as it was so busy (and squashed), nobody expected lifts here there and everywhere, people went out for a walk after dinner and people helped with the washing up.

This. Yes, be prepared!