PIL thrown a strop over Christmas (sorry for mentioning)

[ToysCatapultedFromPram]

We just invited my PIL for Christmas, but they’ve declined in a huff. They aren’t coming.

The reason is because this year I’ve decided to have a bit of an open house. My sibling is staying near me, and as a result is able to bring down my parents. I’ll go pick them up from where they are staying and bring them to mine. How nice to have them in my own house when they live hundreds of miles away. A rare occurrence. My sibling will come over Boxing Day with their family. I’m delighted to host something that may not happen again.

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

However my PIL are not happy about this. TBH due to the proximity of where they live in relation to us, they’ve spent many more Christmases with us than anyone else.

They have been invited, but now declined. My DH is a bit upset.

AIBU to think that;

a) Inviting my DC’s partner is the RIGHT thing to do.

b) Having my family over, a rare occurrence, should be jumped on by me.

c) If my PIL don’t want to join us, that’s their problem, and I’m not going to change the above plans to suit them. I’m going the right thing and if they don’t like it, tough tits. If they want to spend it alone, that’s on them and Tbh I have a lovely family, much nicer than my in-laws, and I’m insulted at the slight.

So who IBU here?

This is the exact way to deal with it. The answer to them should be “what a shame, you’ll be missed. Let us know if you change your mind” and then get on with what you have planned. It’s shit for your DH to have his family behave this way, but it’s not on either of you to chase after grown ups who are throwing a tantrum. That only enables their behaviour more.

C: THEY are! Your husband has three months to feel less upset. If nearer the time they angle for an invitation m, say no! 🤣

😜

I’m sure you will have a wonderful Christmas. I wouldn’t mention it to your PIL again as they’ve been invited once and have chosen to refuse.Their loss and not yours to worry about.

Families!
You are lovely and have included everyone which is a really nice thing to do.
Your PIL are invited, if they choose not to come that is absolutely fine.
I would try not to waste time thinking about it, they either come and make the best of it, or stay home but this is on them not you.
My partner's family all hate each other but every Christmas they get together and pretend to like each other because that is the spirit of Christmas! 🤣

YANBU, pretend you take them at face value and aren't bothered!

@ToysCatapultedFromPram Good on you!!

Stick by your guns!

I hope (sure you will!) you have a lovely time without them!!

It might even be the start of a new tradition… 😉

Of course you're not being unreasonable and have a lovely time! Its quite common to do one set of parents one year and the other set the next - it sounds like that's impractical in your circumstances but they ate lucky to be able to have every Christmas eith you if they want to.

They’ve done you a favour….you should be delighted!! But stand by for them “changing their mind” or “supposing it will have to do”… narcissistic tendencies rarely allow people to let the drama die when there’s still an opportunity to make things about them.

Do you think baby Jesus would like this?

Enjoy the well deserved break from spending Christmas with them

The more the merrier here!

Why have your Christmases always been so IL focussed?

If PiL are making it uncomfortable for your DC to have partners to stay at Christmas, definitely stick to your guns. DC trump inlaws, why should they feel uncomfortable in their own home.

Before you said I just knew that one of them would be a narcissist. My DM was exactly like this, she couldn't be easy going, had to be the centre of attention at all times even at funerals.

It's sweet of you to invite your DD's partner. Do the Christmas you want and let them stew.

It's the most Christian of Christmassy spirit to make sure that no man (or woman) is left behind (alone) on Christmas day unless they choose to be. Please don't concede on that point.

How absolutely lovely to have your own family around you for once! Do grumpy PIL live far away?

YANBU at all. Just make sure that if it gets difficult your DH sets the boundaries. They may be gunning to make you the bad guy in all this. I would just send the odd pleasant message, smile and wave in text form, and let them spite themselves.

We have a bit of an 'open house' at Christmas too. My MIL usually comes over; when my parents were alive, they did to (ditto FIL), and then we often have friends here who'd otherwise be sitting at home on their own.
I've extended initiations to others before, neighbours and less close family for the same reason - it's really nice to bring people together.

Not sure who we'll have here this year, I've not planned that far ahead yet.

Yes it is very much their problem. You have invited them, you are free to invite other people as well as it as your home. They have spent a disproportionate amount of Christmases with you anyway. Having 1 Christmas with your own family only begins to redress this imbalance. I personally don't like mixing my side of the family with my husband's unless needed (wedding, baptism etc.) so I'd be having my family over every other year if it was me and wouldn't even invite them in these years!

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable on the face of it – it sounds like a really lovely plan for Christmas. I’m curious about a few things though:

1. How does Christmas usually play out for you? Is it normally just you, your DH, your daughter and your in-laws, or a wider mix? What’s the usual dynamic?
2. Have your in-laws actually said why they don’t want to come, or are you assuming? Has your DH had a proper conversation with them about it?
3. Have there been any past issues between your side of the family and them that might be influencing this?
4. From your post it sounds as if you don’t particularly like them. Do you think that may have affected how you’ve approached the situation? They are your DH’s family after all, and maybe your (understandable) enthusiasm to see your family makes them feel a bit sidelined.

You're right. I'm in my 50s and I've had to make similar adjustments. You end up being a christmas martyr otherwise. We're entitled to enjoy christmas and do what suits us too.
You've got plenty of room for everyone.

I really don't understand the issue. You invited them, they prefer not to come. That's their prerogative. Maybe they can't face the journey, maybe they don't like one of the invited guests, maybe they fear cramped conditions, or too much noise or children, maybe they think you'll have enough on your hands, whatever. It sounds to me as though you are feeling guilty about having a different plan this year, and one that suits you better. There is no need. I read somewhere a phrase like 'I am not trying to annoy you, I am just not going out of my way to make you comfortable'. I think this applies here and you shouldn't give it another thought.

They are correct that Christmas is about family, but family includes your parents, not just them. Family also includes the partners of your children, married or not.

One Christmas we had an employee of my husband’s join us for Christmas dinner, because otherwise she would have been alone. I had met her once, but I couldn’t leave her alone when we could fit her in.

You sound like such a beautiful person, with boundaries op. I hope you and your lovely family have the day(s) you deserve.
❤️

I’m glad you prioritised your dc wishes over PIL. The right thing to do.