PIL thrown a strop over Christmas (sorry for mentioning)

[ToysCatapultedFromPram]

We just invited my PIL for Christmas, but they’ve declined in a huff. They aren’t coming.

The reason is because this year I’ve decided to have a bit of an open house. My sibling is staying near me, and as a result is able to bring down my parents. I’ll go pick them up from where they are staying and bring them to mine. How nice to have them in my own house when they live hundreds of miles away. A rare occurrence. My sibling will come over Boxing Day with their family. I’m delighted to host something that may not happen again.

Secondly, my DD’s serious partner spends Christmas Day alone for various strained family reasons and I’ve said they are more than welcome in my house over the Christmas period. It’s the right thing to do, and what Christmas is about.

However my PIL are not happy about this. TBH due to the proximity of where they live in relation to us, they’ve spent many more Christmases with us than anyone else.

They have been invited, but now declined. My DH is a bit upset.

AIBU to think that;

a) Inviting my DC’s partner is the RIGHT thing to do.

b) Having my family over, a rare occurrence, should be jumped on by me.

c) If my PIL don’t want to join us, that’s their problem, and I’m not going to change the above plans to suit them. I’m going the right thing and if they don’t like it, tough tits. If they want to spend it alone, that’s on them and Tbh I have a lovely family, much nicer than my in-laws, and I’m insulted at the slight.

So who IBU here?

Let them strop on!

Your family has as much right to be in your house as they have.
DDs boyfriend, sooner or later they will want to have Christmas together anyway.

But I'd invite him even if he wasn't a boyfriend, if he was just a pal, I couldn't leave someone on their own at Christmas. Particularly not a young person who should have family round them.

I've had my nephews pal, just a pal not a partner or anything in mine at Christmas. Nephew asked could his pal join us, his Mum deceased, Dad an a-hole.

Your description of these people sounds a lot like my own dynamic. Luckily for my own are no longer with us and the MIL has remarried, is only interested in HIS family, and moved to a city 7hrs away by plane. Personally, I would consider not having to cater to horrible outlaws the best Christmas gift ever.

OP you are NOT being unreasonable.
I asked my mother if she had a nice time Christmas night and she said no, she didn't like being around strangers. The strangers were my in-laws whom she had known for 15 yrs
She lived thousands of miles away and in-laws lived near us and we were close and the kids loved them.
She was only comfortable around her own sisters but has gone non- contact with us all. That's what she does if someone has a different opinion than her.

Well, you're not being unreasonable as you know OP, but you are being a bit of a wazzock about it. We didn't need several posts of you congratulating yourself for being the generous, kind and moral(??) Spirit of Christmas.

As the mumsnet phrase goes 'it's an invite not a summons' if they dont want to come to a bug family Christmas they dont have to.

YANBU to have your family over but inlaws are NBU to decline the offer either. They aren't kicking off or demanding anything so I think YABU to be so annoyed at them.

My parents are introverts and if I had my inlaws for Christmas they would decline an invite too but no drama or bad feeling we would just meet another day.

As a general principle I invite who I like to my house/party etc. If they don’t want to come it’s up to them. Enjoy your time with those who do want to be there.

I have to say that I agree with PP's that you need to take them at their word NOW and allocate beds. So when MIL changes her mind, as she inevitably will, all beds are taken and they can come but they cant stay over.

She will then have an EPIC tantrum because obviously you should have held their room for them (bonus points if you say "oh sorry MIL but as you said you werent coming I have given your room to my parents") , and will either not come (win) or will come and make it all about how neglected they have been. But it sounds like you and your family will simply ignore and drown out her attention seeking which is the best way to go.

YANBU you are totally in the right here. They are acting like children. But it's up to them if they wanna spend Christmas alone in a huff.

You are certainly not being unreasonable. You are embracing the true spirit of Christmas by hosting everyone including non- family. A lovely Polish catholic friend taught me that their family tradition was always to set an extra place at the table to accommodate any unknown stranger who may need a Christmas meal. You are pretty much doing that. What a shame your in-laws can’t embrace the love.

I would remind PIL that they are not your blood relatives, but they remain welcome & to let you know if they change their mind so you can cater for them. I honestly wouldn’t even entertain worrying about it. They’re grown adults and can react to your invite and welcome however they so please. You don’t need to be controlled by them. Their options are - chop off their nose to spite their face, or spend the next 3 months getting used to the fact Christmas is a time for family, and they’re included in your definition of that.

He’s not upset with me. He’s just upset about the situation. His family do seem to have a lot of politics constantly going on. It’s tiresome and boring and we keep well out of it.

MIL will be cross that she wasn’t asked first, that we’ve invited others, and that we won’t be revolving it around how she likes Christmas. She’s been here when my DC’s partners have been over and she doesn’t like it. They don’t even speak to them.

I just feel that I’m 50 now, and I’m now the matriarch of my family (I’m not really like that, but it’s the stand I’m taking with them. MIL has always been the bossy Matriarch). They’re welcome as family, but I’m no longer going to revolve things around them. Our family is evolving rapidly and we must adjust ourselves accordingly.

PIL are stubborn. They won’t come and they’ll be really off with us. MIL seems to think that these are punishments and we’ll learn a lesson. Whilst I’m on here ranting, in real life I’ll pretend I’ve not even noticed what’s going on…. because I’m a bit slow.

How can you stand these awful people? Where do they get off behaving like this?

Stand your ground.
You have young adult DC, you might not be a kick in the backside away from weddings and the next generation.
You need to support your DC and welcome their partners and any other stray friends with nowhere to go.

Well, she's cut off her nose to spite her face, hasn't she! She'll get over herself eventually, but that's very much a HER problem, not yours.

Well done for standing your ground! You will have a wonderful Christmas without those miserable buggers! And now you’ve done it once, you never need to host them again. You invited them, they refused. Their decision. And you move on. I’ve discovered that the older I get the less I am prepared to put up with this sort of nonsense. They don’t sound very nice anyway, if they won’t talk to the DC’s partners. How very rude! I bet everyone has the best Christmas ever!

If The Silent Treatment is a punishment I'd take that as a win!! Maybe get a new phone and number for Christmas and don't give it to them. Dh can deal with them. My ils never had my mobile number.. Made for a much less stressful life..

You sound lovely and balanced, and you're right with your family evolving and expanding you need to adapt and include.
Your in laws sounds unpleasant, and it's their problem, not yours - they've been invited, let them sulk and then enjoy the peace!

I think you are going about this the right way. Planning a lovely family Christmas- parents, adult DC,their partners everyone invited. Plus with 5 bedrooms you have the house space to host them all.
You have invited the PiL - their choice not to come. If anyone asks, says of course they are welcome and have been invited, but they declined. They are the ones in the wrong, not you. Rant on here, keep the moral high ground in real life.

It's amazing how awful, self-centred people think that their absence from events and special occasions will be a punishment rather than a cause for celebration!

I hope you have a wonderful Christmas!

This

PIL are stubborn. They won’t come and they’ll be really off with us. MIL seems to think that these are punishments and we’ll learn a lesson. Whilst I’m on here ranting, in real life I’ll pretend I’ve not even noticed what’s going on…. because I’m a bit slow.

Hilarious, isn’t it @ToysCatapultedFromPram, when awful people assume that their absence from your life is somehow a terrible punishment? That you’ll miss running around after their miserable demanding arses so much that you’ll be suitably chastised into toeing the line next time - when in fact you’re punching the air and popping corks 😂.

Hope you have a great Christmas with your own ‘blood family’.

I think leave them to it - it sounds like they want a hotel/restaurant service! Maybe ask them again later on just to give them chance to change their mind - but it’s up to them and they’re acting like children

Definitely feign ignorance. Problem? What problem?

Stick to your guns!! Hopefully you can have an open house every year from now on. You need to start planning on who else you can invite.

Could you travel to your parents next year?

I like your style!