To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

As someone who's been through it since 2020 with no success, it can affect your whole being. The hormonal changes, the emotional rollercoaster, the wait, the miscarriages... I'm in my 40s and considered a 'textbook case' but nothing is ever straightforward in IVF. We didn't break the bank and I have embryos remaining for transfers but I'm scared as hell to go through another miscarriage. The treatment of miscarriage warrants a different thread altogether.

The reality is you will almost definitely need donor eggs. The process will change your body whether or not you have a live birth. And if you are lucky to be successful, can you go through motherhood as an older person? What if the child has special needs? My last round of eggs were collected at 41 and my husband and I agreed we will terminate if the child isn't 100% normal; and they can't detect all abnormalities before birth. We also agreed we won't foster or adopt - you're absolutely right that one needs to be in a different mindset for that and we know we don't want that.

I would advise you read up about it; I did my last 2 rounds abroad. Some clinics offer a first free consultation. Be as informed as possible and make a calculated decision.Good luck in your journey.

I can't deny it was simply because I hadn't realised I would love being a mum so much and I wanted to extend my mothering life! I don't regret my decision,although I wish I had had them earlier, but I didn't meet my husband till I was fourty.

Here’s a screenshot from the London egg bank showing PURELY donor egg success rates after 2 transfers. It really isn’t 2% or 7% for donor eggs. It really is around 30% per go. HFEA (who you sent me the link to) governs every clinic. Their statistics are the one to look at. (The reason I know this is because I looked into using donor eggs myself before deciding against it.)

I understand you are in a hard situation and that it must be hard also dealing with all these comments. That said, and with kindness, there is something a little strange about the way you are responding. Not sure how to describe it, maybe it’s what you focus on or being very brief and sometimes off topic in your responses.

Still wondering why you feel you're not in the right headspace for fostering or adoption OP?

Very unlikely to have a healthy pregnancy. Don’t be selfish OP. But I am sorry if you’re feeling like you’ve missed out on something

I agree.

I've asked OP a couple of times how she feels after reading the comments but no reply. She also 'loved' a few of my posts which were quite negative about proceeding with IVF, but she's not really engaging on a meaningful level.

It's not a good idea.

My NDN had 2 children (via her own frozen eggs and a surrogate) in her early 50s. She and her similar aged DH literally cannot keep up with them. They are here, there and everywhere and the parents really struggle. And now the husband has been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing chemo.

They are beautiful and much loved children who have brought their parents a world of happiness but there is no denying that the mum and dad are struggling to cope with dealing with youngsters as they approach their 60s.

Madness to even consider

Nope.
This would be entirely for you, not for your child.

The only person who has ever told me she regretted having a child was the one who had her first (only) at age 42.
Her reasons were that she no longer felt fit enough to keep up with the demands of a rambunctious toddler, and was beginning to dread the teenage years cutting in when she would be 55.
Of course, she had nothing but love to give her child, but felt that she wouldn’t be able to give them the best life/same as their peers…
Of course, you may have the spring-chicken gene and feel like you are in your late twenties or early thirties, health-wise. If you also have relatives that lived to 100 and were fit and active well into their 70’s, then go ahead - but I would recommend that you honestly assess yourself against these two possibilities before committing to have a child that you may not see grow to adulthood, and who could find themselves bereaved before or during puberty - the worst possible outcome if no other living and loving relatives are around them.

Don't underestimate what menopause can do to you. At 53 I felt relatively OK, coping with it. At 56 I was a basket case with no motivation whatsoever. HRT has sorted tge basket case part but lack of motivation is still there and is absolutely debilitating for me.

I was brought up by my grandparents but my grandmother was 10 years younger than you. As a child I developed huge anxiety about her dying and leaving me which I kept to myself even though we were very close.

I don’t regret my children but being a single mum is bloody hard and I don’t think it’s great for mum or kids unless you have a good support system. I did not and I certainly would never recommend anyone to become a single mum intentionally without a good support system.

It's not only mumsnetters - even the BBC get statistics wrong or misinterpret data.

Hardly anybody says they regret having a child, but there are people who do. For obvious reasons, it's not something that's easy to admit to.

I have 4 dc's - my eldest is 36 and my youngest 13.

I was 41 when I had my youngest, and it was massively a different and harder being an older parent. I had 2 mc's before falling pregnant, couldn't then enjoy my pregnancy at all as I was worried the whole time and I found being pregnant exhausting. Lots more checks as there are more risks. It was a lot!

I'm just about to turn 55 and have an annoying teenager.... that in itself is hard work. I'd hoped to be cutting down my hours by now. But I can't as I need to support him (and house his 19 year old dsis), and I'm in the midst of divorcing from their father so at present we don't have a secure financial future despite me having a good job. So my retirement plans are on hold for a few more years! Although in 10 years time (my absolute time limit) I will be retired and living abroad! He'll probably still be with me though...

So no, I wouldn't do it at 53.

She was a coworker who I was supporting as she was having a hard time on a project and she felt so guilty for saying it. I didn’t judge, as I was struggling with my 2 DC and was over 10 years younger than her, I sympathised because my own DM had me around the same age and struggled, too…

I mentioned age rules in adoption in a previous post - in the UK the OP would be offered an 8 year old or older under the usual rule of thumb for placements.

No way would she qualify for a baby.

This isn't because local authorities are discriminating against older people - it is due to the realities.

People are often unrealistic about the future - retiring to the middle of nowhere with no public transport for example, then being stuck when they can't drive. I put this proposal in the same category - fine right now but there is no Plan B for if things go wrong.

I stopped IVF after 7 rounds at 45 because I too have very little / no family that would have been able to step in if something happened to me. My own risk of an earlier death and the absence of a strong family community to support a child in that circumstance made it very difficult to conclude morally that I was doing the right thing any more and I could not place that risk on a child intentionally (never mind a child that might be struggling with being donor conceived as well, which would almost certainly be true for you if you went ahead). Grief is a terrible thing and I can’t imagine increasing the risk of it for a child. It took me over a year to make that decision but sometimes you must accept that life has not gone the way you would have wished and that you must instead make the most of the life that you have.

My grandmother had my uncle at 53 and her mum had 3 kids between 50 and 55. We are biologically programmed to have babies until menopause & so a baby in your early 50s is fine.

Fair enough. That’s your decision. My decision was underpinned by asking myself how I’d feel at the age of 89+ (the age when most female deaths occur in the UK) if I didn’t try to have kids in my 40s so I went for it & am so glad I did.

I think that was very selfless of you and you should feel proud of the decision. Wishing you all the very best in life.

Babies are much less likely to be adopted in the UK that’s why. In any case my local authority prefers babies and toddlers are adopted by ex-foster parenrs most of whom are older than 45. So there’s no hard and fast rule for this.

It’s also biologically possible to have a child at 12 but no one’s doing that.

That's not why. It is because a 45 year age gap is considered the maximum they will consider unless there are extenuating circumstances.

OP wouldnt get a 2 or 3 year old either, unless there was some kind of unusual ethnic match which they felt should override the age issue.