To ask opinions on IVF at 53

[DrenchSal]

I’ve been considering it

i won’t be offended with anything negative - I just want honesty

I think it's the double standards of denial of biology on MN and it's seen as ageist.

I agree with this and I also think it's an increase in entitlement in society. People expect to get what they want and they don't like being told no. You can see it in action early in this thread with OP only engaging with the positive replies.

I will probably get shot down in flames for saying it but I think a woman that is in her 50s with no support system that goes ahead with IVF is demonstrably selfish and therefore exactly the sort of person that shouldn't become a parent. Parenting is about putting your own needs second and putting the best interest of a child first.

They want a baby, even if it would be in the best interest of that baby to never be born and a private IVF clinic may happily exploit that desire and take the money despite it being in nobody's best interests.....least of all a child's. It's profit above people and it is wrong.

This is just based on my own experience. My mum had me in her early 30s. I'm now 41 and she's early 70s. I lost my dad when I was a teenager. I'm glad that my mum is relatively healthy and active. We can holiday together, do long day trips and she even has my boys occasionally. If she had me in her 50s, she would be in her 90s now (or have passed away).

I had my boys later (I was 33 and 37) but I'm hoping that when they're in their teens/20s, I'll still be active enough to do a lot with them.

I sympathise that the it must be heartbreaking to want children so much and not have them and the pain infertility must cause. But at some point, logic and rational thinking needs to take over and at 53, you're very deluded to think this still a viable option and a good idea.

I think the desire for children can take over and people go into it with such blinkers on without considering the future or the impact on the child and it just becomes about their own wants and desires. I have nothing against only children and single parents and these family set ups can work quite well. But in this case, the OP has no living family whatsoever. And I agree that friends can totally become like family but it's hard to see how this happens when the OP is a good 20 years older than most parents.

It's not even about the lack of family members. By using donor eggs and sperm, the child is going to be denied any biological connections whatsoever on either side of the family. There was a good post here from a donor concieved child who said she felt rootless and the impact this had on her.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/AMA/3718785-I-am-the-child-of-a-sperm-donor-AMA?page=1

I wanted to chime in with a different perspective. I had to be raised by my grandparents and they were roughly the age you are now when they ended up with me as a tiny baby. They both died when I was in my 30s and it absolutely destroyed me. Suddenly, I have no parents, no family, no home to go back to, no one to even talk to about the kind of things you only talk to parents about. It was not their choice, so they did the best they could, but please don’t make this decision by choice. Losing your parents decades before most others is very tough. My grandmother was my best friend, as many mothers and daughters are, and I’m not sure I’ll ever feel complete again without her. (I have had plenty of therapy - please don’t worry). So yes, don’t do this. Please. I know the harm it can unintentionally cause.

And given I had my kids in my mid-late 30s, I'm normally the first to defend older mothers! But there's a world of difference between having kids in your late 30s during your reproductive years and having them in your mid 50s.

Also a lot of older (much older!) celebrity mothers haven’t given birth to a baby at all - they’ve “welcomed” a baby.

Absolutely madness.

My mum became a grandma at 56 and I had children at 28!

Let's be careful about restricting having children to people who have parents willing and able to do childcare. I agree it takes a village but my parents are too busy in their retirement to replace nursery, and if you have much younger grandparents they will still be working themselves.

I remember talking to a mum at school her son was severely autistic violent had a one to one assistant. She had had her children then her new man had persuaded her to have a child together she felt too old but did anyway. They had the son who had severe SN he left. She freely admitted her life has been ruined. Gave me the chills.

Cannot imagine blithely taking the risk on having a baby over the age if 45.

My local authority has no upper age limit for adoption.

Exactly this. My parents had me at 33/34. Perfectly normal age. They both died in their early 60s. As it happens I was unable to have children. But should I not have even tried because my parents died when I was 30? If you’re lucky to have parents to help that’s great. But having grandparents around or not is not the reason to not have a child a 50+. The age is the reason.

On paper that's what they say! Would they allow a 70 year old to adopt a baby?

TBH OP I think IF you had really wanted to become a mum, you'd have done more about it before 53. You've had decades to change this.

I think this is a case of knowing the ship has sailed and you're 'rebelling' against it but in your heart you know it's too late. The IVF idea is just fantasy.

Your posts are all about you.
Not about the kind of life you could offer a child.

I'm sorry to hear how hard this was and has been for you. My own (late) mother lost her mother when Mum was 13 and it devastated her. She never got over it and it had effects on her that were lifelong. And Mum still had her dad, two brothers and wider family!

My advice is to join the Donor Conception Network. They have great forums and lots of advice/support. I had donor IVF overseas in my early 40's and have a wonderful network of similar single mums who I have now known for over10 years. We all live close by and support each other. Our kids are also friends and share the same conception history so they know someone "like them".

IVF Success Rate by Age: 45 and Over

• Success rate per embryo transfer: <2%

Live births using a woman’s own eggs at this age are extremely rare. Most successful IVF cycles at this age use donor eggs.

IVF Success Rate by Age: A Complete Guide for UK Patients

I think this is actually more so that grandparents can officially adopt family members.
as pp said I think in terms of actual placement they would not be looking to place a baby or young child with someone this age. Foster, yes!
the adoption process also takes quite a long time

I'm 47, I would have liked children and would have considered them up to 45. I wouldn't want to lumber a 10 year old with a 57 year old mother or worry about university fees when I should be retiring.

I might become like Irene in Home and Away and open my house to kids that need one one day though.

I had an ivf baby at 53, having conceived my two other children naturally at 43 and 47. The youngest is now five and has been such a happy and characterful addition to our family. I had no health issues during or after pregnancy and whilst life is chaotic I wouldn't change a thing. My own father died at 36 so I know losing a parent is tough but you can't predict your future health or lifespan. I have, however, got a supportive partner and if you don't have this or family help you might need to plan more for all eventualities.Best of luck with whatever you decide!

When we adopted there was a rule of thumb that the younger adopter should be no more than 45 years older than the child. Which seemed quite sensible.

@Nightow did you have IVF overseas as you live there or so you could have anonymous donation?

@vintageboymum why did you think having a third child at 53 was a good idea? You already had 2 children. Can't imagine having to pay for university fees well into my 70s

Why?
You had two children already.

I can’t work out if you are agreeing or disagreeing with me. I absolutely agree that using own eggs over 45 is absolutely pointless. Success rates are minuscule. I originally disagreed that the success rates for donor eggs was only 7%. This was your first post. And I used the link you gave me to show that this is not the case. The HFEA link you sent me shows success rates of over 30% for donor eggs for women up to 50. (Most clinics are unlikely to have many stats for 50+ as it’s very unusual and some will not even treat that old). And even in the link you just gave me, it states again that donor eggs can significantly increase the chances of success (it does not give statistics for this that I could see). So while it says 2% for over 45s, it then goes on to say donor eggs increase this. I have attached again the information from HFEA which was in the link you posted.

That's a good point and also so that when couples marry, the step parent can officially adopt an existing child from a previous relationship.